pyro

Today is probably a full-of-headache day

2011-11-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

I suppose the people you attract tells something about you. It reflects how you portray yourself to other people. I am not sure I will be proud if men think I'm a hooker. Or, maybe in your case, you are just an attention whore?

And to my on-and-off boyfriend, if you are just trying to be a perfectionist so you can appear different than other people, you can go f*ck yourself. And if I'm always cranky because I'm hungry, tired, and/or sleepy, remind me that that's my fault, and I'm expected to be able to take care of myself.

Unfortunately, they give me headaches and heartaches...oh, but not for long. I don't have time and energy for this. I don't think these are worth my education.

BUT! I'm cooking cornbeef and rice, and I will have a wonderful meal and I will study in peace. Yay! :)

Life

2011-07-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

3 days and I heard nothing from you.
Last Thursday, it was less than 5 minutes difference between you and my ex.
I marveled at the coincidence.
How did it happen that you both answered me at around the same time?

A conspiracy?
What a joke.

Life is mocking me.
And I will laugh back.
Bring it on.
I will welcome whatever it gives me with open arms.

Because, I know,
that in the end,
life will give me the best
of my heart's desire.

Last resort

2011-07-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

If we're still single by the time I'm 35, will you be my last resort? I would want to be married at that time, and settle down. What do you think?

I miss you

2011-07-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

I miss you.
When will you ever ask me out?
Yes, I liked you for 2 months now.
This isn't a simple crush.

I've been waiting for the past Wednesday.
Was so excited just to see you.
Then I got shy, and totally ignored you.

It wasn't a grammatical error.
It wasn't "I missed you."
I said I miss you.

And I really do.

June 21

2011-06-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of summer! :)

What happened today?
I backed out. I'm sorry.
I was so nervous.
I was so scared, and shy, and embarrassed at the same time.

You sat beside me while watching the movie.
You wanted to touch me.
You kinda asked if I was not straight.
My gosh, was that your move?
To make me more sexually aggressive?

You killed the bug;
You're my hero.
How come you knew exactly what's happening?

You said you wanted to stay home tonight,
and not to go bar with friends.
You asked what time I go to work the next day.

You said your mom's coming next week.
You said you're gonna take her to the restaurant we passed by.

You said you thought my job isn't a real job.
That's what my ex-boyfriend used to say before.
I ain't pleased.

June 20, 2011

2011-06-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

After class, you looked at me and kinda waited.
Then you asked if I'm walking, and I said yes.
I asked you to wait, and you did.
You were there near my locker door as I was putting my stuff inside.

You were there as if guarding me.
You made it clear to everyone that you're waiting for me.
It's like a High School romance I never had! Haha.
Then you said you like going home after class.
That you'll miss going to class when we're done.
That you like learning French, and going to class.
You asked if I'm going back on September.

During the break, we went to the park and sat on a bench, and chatted.
It was rather nice.
:)

French class

2011-06-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

You were supposed to walk with me, not with her.
I miss you.
I was running conversations in my head for the past few days.
I wanted to talk to you alone.
Why don't you even ask for my number?

Tuesday night you said - see you tomorrow
You didn't go to class Wednesday night.
It happened before too.

I hope to see you on Monday.
And I hope you find your cat.

I care

2011-05-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Where are you?
I've been waiting for your call the whole day.

Series of Culinary Experiments

2011-05-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Desserts:
6. Angel Cake - not good; too sweet for me
7. Flan de huevos blancos - made a mistake, not good
8. Strawberry cream pies - good!

Appetizers/Main:
1. Tokwa't baboy

Clean up

2011-05-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

To become more of a private person
I have to clean up my cyber footprints
Clean up my online image

Friendster - deleted
LinkedIn - deleted
Multiply - Ongoing downloading of photos; will be deleted soon
Facebook - major cleanup
Other sites - Jobstreet, etc - should all be deleted

FB life

2011-05-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ex told me once that those who are in FB are the people with no life.
No life in the real world.

Guess he's right. :/
Or they're attention whores.

Mixed thoughts

2011-05-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

We pride in being busy,
in being preoccupied most of the time,
even if aimlessly.
It's not because we're hoping it'll lead to something greater,
but because by doing so,
we FEEL important,
that's why.

Looking as if we can't be bothered,
that we don't have time for other people.
As if we are so much more important than others.
This is stupid.
I'm not busy, and I won't deny it.

I should go back to the musuem of fine arts when free,
and if there are exhibits.
Maybe on weekdays, not weekends;
there are tons of tourists on weekends.
I prefer less people; it's quieter.

I was already thinking about it-
not coming here.
But I feel at home here, somehow.
Still depressed, but less;
no longer suicidal.

Still it is depressing to know,
that I'm here all alone,
in this small lonely apartment of mine.
Yes, I like and love my apartment,
but it gets lonely living alone,
somehow.

I try to remember - some people have it worse than me
I'm quite selfish,
with only me to take care of.

I wish I have someone with me.
Someone to share life with.
Cheezy? Yes, but I don't care what you think.
Lord, I would like to thank you for that person.

Insecurities.

2011-04-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Not ready to deal with you right now.
Off with you.

Seems like you don't care anyway.
Took me a few months to realize.
Agh. I hate this feeling.

I have to be alone, heal myself
Get back on my own two feet
Without depending on anyone
Without seeking anyone
Asking them if they need me, want me

I look desperate, don't I?
I should keep myself busy.

WHAT?!

2011-04-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Messed up.
Mixed emotions.
Glad to have the day on my own.
So as not to affect others.
Though i'd love to go out.

I'm confused

2011-04-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it YOU? Why are you making me smile and blush? Why do I think of you often, and not him?

The day he arrived -
You: You cleaned my oven??? *Then opened the fridge, stared, and gaped.*
Me: I cleaned your fridge.
You: Ahhhhhh.
Me: I took out some food containers. Not good.
You: *Looking at me* You are amazing. Why do you have to go?

If I knew you didn't want me to leave, I would have stayed. I wanted to stay. I love your place. And I like pestering you in the morning. :D

I remember the first time we met. You looked at me for more than 10 seconds before you said anything! :D

The first time we met at the airport!
So, that was your best friend with you!

You stared at me for sometime.
As in stared at me!
I couldn't understand why -
Were you disappointed?
Were you surprised?
Did I look so different from my Facebook photos?
And your friend was smiling all the time!

Certainly not rushing

2011-04-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I understand him more when he speaks. Maybe because we've been talking long before I came here. Maybe because he's the first person I met here. Maybe because I lived with him for some time.

Maybe it's because of all those that I feel closer and more comfortable to him than to you. And he understands my background. I cannot deny though, that he's smart, good-looking, and quite attractive. He didn't flirt or try to be touchy with me. I was starting to think he was gay. He respected me and kept his distance. He's like one of my guy friends in college. I can talk to him, argue with him, make drama, laugh with/at him, do silly things, and he'd take it all in a stride, wouldn't think much about it, and still treat me the same way.

But You. You are too much like me, it scares me. Is it even real? We think in the same way, we have the same goals. We had the same reasons why we did what we did, why we're here.

March 1987.
5 years.
Graduated 2009.

But is it gonna last forever? I'll take it slow. A friend of mine told me to take it slow. We have 17 months left, anyway. Quite the opposite of my last relationship. :)

New You.

2011-04-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

No reply, honey? No calls nor text?
I kinda miss you. :)

For some reason, I like being with you.
It will take some time for me to open up,
But I feel comfortable being with you. :)

Will you ask me out again?
A real dinner this time? :)

You're just terrible when we don't see each other.
But you're awesome when we're together.

April 9

2011-04-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

He was definitely more attentive to me this time. He woke up for me, and opened the door, and there he was waiting and smiling at me. Just standing there, looking at me. Like when we met the first time at the airport.

And then:
Me: So when is the intern coming?
Him: In a month. So you can replace me with her.
Me: Who? What? Replace who? *lost and confused*

He loved my leche flan! He said it's actually pretty good! Definitely a compliment from someone who can cook! :) I said it's a dessert, and I pointed out that he's eating it for breakfast. He said he eats anything for breakfast. :)

THEN YOU CAME ALONG, AND ASKED IF I BOUGHT IT! He said I made it, and that I brought the pan. Then you said it's good, and that it's just like what your mom makes. I was a little surprised; I was pleased that you liked it, but it's like you're comparing me with your mom. Then you made up some sort of excuse, like it's your first month in Montreal today so it was a good thing I brought cake.

I love the way you touched me, I love the way you made coffee for me, I love the way you share things with me. :)

I'm scared, honey. I might fall in love with you too fast, too soon. I want to take it slow, also to allow you some time to think about it. I sincerely hope you're genuinely interested in me, and that the feeling's real.

It wasn't that exciting today. But I like you, and you're just so much like me in some ways. In how we view life. And you want to settle down after this. Haha. I mentioned travelling, and you said you wanted to stay in some place because you've already travelled enough. That was exactly what I told my officemates and friends just a few days ago!

You're ready! Omg! I never thought you are right now. Are you my soulmate? Someone I'd live life with? Someone I'd grow old with?

I'm starting to like you, and I hope you like me too. :) I probably haven't impressed that much on you that we're alike in so many ways, but I want to try show you that I'm not trying to pretend just to impress you.

I'd love to have us spending more time together! I so wanted to hold your hand and kiss you while we were in the theater. You are being more careful these days. Why, honey? Exactly a month ago, you were already holding my hand, and your arm was around my waist! :)

Happy First Month! :)

At the Start

2011-04-03T05:47:00.001-07:00

The first time we met - you held my hand, and you wrapped your arm around my waist.
In less than an hour.
You were smiling and holding my hand.

I saw you were just too straight to be gay.
I thought you were!
Too flirty.

Then you said me you miss me. :)
I'm starting to like you.

16 hours a week with me?
Will you ever do it?
Not for sex?

I wish we could spend more time together,
And get to know each other well.

I hope you are not too much of a cynic.
Can you appreciate just what's there?
And laugh, and smile as much as you can?

Because I'm starting to like you, honey!

Marriage

2011-03-20T17:18:00.001-07:00

I feel really lonely this weekend. Getting those occasional bouts of depression now that I'm quite settled. Still need to do some errands, but heart is empty and I want someone with me. I want someone to travel with, and share my experiences with - to talk to, to call anytime, and just to have fun. But I also want someone I can dream with, and make future plans.

Honestly, I want to do everything here and really enjoy this trip. But I also want to settle down in one place, with one person, with a long-term career plan and a dream. I guess I'm getting the marrying itch. Haha. Just right for my age? :)

And I hate you, Steve, for putting that idea into my head. Now I can't get it out.

You.are.funny.

2011-03-19T17:19:00.001-07:00

Last night, you called. I forgot my phone, so my friend returned your call. You said you don't want to see me again, because the f*ck last night (other night now) was really bad. My friend answered that we just f*cked and it was good!

Darn you. I never slept with you. I haven't even seen you for a week!

When I come back

2011-02-26T04:27:00.000-08:00

On September 2012:
I will go back to the province and work for the family.
I will study for the FSO exam while I'm there.

By that time, I'm 25 years old and has worked a total of 2 years abroad. Total work experience would be 1 month + 6 months + 1.5 months + 18 months = 26.5 months. I've had 4 jobs in 4 different companies, doing entirely different tasks. But now, at least, I know what to do. :)

Everything fell into place. I was able to help my parents during the time I was unemployed, and I attended a batch dinner and a get-together with college girlfriends this week. They were totally not planned for my departure, since I only learned about it yesterday. I'm glad about it, and thanks the Lord for making everything alright.

Catch-all

2011-02-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

Trying to be the catch-all assistant. From a secretary to a governess, I have to do everything else that needs to be done.

A Library

2011-01-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

I have a dream, a vision. I want to put up a library here in our province. It's gonna be something of a retirement job. I want to design it, build it, and manage it. It's going to be more of a private collection, but I suppose I can put a whole range of genres. There will be children's to old people's books. And there will be story telling sessions and autograph signing. It's got an automated system- a digitized library card maker, barcode scanner for books, and an inventory system like a POS. Just one computer for the librarian to manage lending and receiving. Another open terminal for people checking the reviews and availability of books. People can also write reviews on the books they've read using their library card. Then book sales can also be organized, and also for consignment from other people. Then a small cafe outside, and another private room for book club meetings and wifi users. A video and music room can also be made upstairs.

It's beautifully designed, warm and cozy. It's well ventilated, and most of all, it's FREE. Violations and late returns however, will be fined. :-)

Predominant mental disposition

2011-01-23T03:04:00.000-08:00

I think it is unavoidable to think negative thoughts, but our predominant mental disposition should be positive. I think I have a similar post about this months ago.

I should be like Cyrilla, able to make happy, cheery, and easy letters.

Work and feelings

2011-01-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

People say it takes work - great marriage, career, and everything else. So I'll work, and be as patient and as determined as possible to make our relationship work. A deal is a deal, even if it's only with myself.

And I won't let you decide how I feel. What I think and feel should be based on me alone, and I will not let outside circumstances affect me. I will continue to be a loving friend towards you. Not because I'm hoping you'd return the affection, but because it's me. I want to decide how I feel, and I am determined to be as happy as possible.

Alkaline

2011-01-19T17:55:00.001-08:00

On a completely unrelated topic, what do you think of alkaline water? Of course I'm doing research too, but I'd like to know if you've heard anything about it. Planning on switching to it from purified. Is the concept a scam? Is it really beneficial to our health or is it harmful?

Abroad

2011-01-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons why I love living in another country with a different language is because it is so much quieter. I can't understand them and I can easily block the "noise". I have only myself to think about, only my thoughts to hear.

vs. last year?

2011-01-11T22:03:00.001-08:00

Why do I feel stagnant? It's an awful feeling, and I don't like it. Compared to last year, it feels like I'm back to Square 1 again. No job, no money, no lovelife, nothing. Nothing going on in my life. I try to do everything I can with what I have, as I always do. But just right now- I'm in the same exact situation as I was a year ago. Late 2009-Early 2010: After the board exam, the holidays, and on to the new year. 2011- This is supposed to be my year. I want EVERYTHING! And I'm excited about the future!

24

2011-01-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

The date here is a day late. or half a day late. It's already January 5, and this post shows January 4. It was my cousin's 24th birthday yesterday. It reminds me that I'd also be turning 24 soon.

I keep dreaming that he will propose to me soon. That is, day dreaming. But no matter how exciting that prospect is, I hope I will snap out of it sooner than later. I am sick of waiting, with no assurance. Tired. Anxious. Hopeless.

24. I thought I'd have something GREAT going on in my life right now.

As Quitter of the Year

2011-01-02T01:06:00.001-08:00

2010 - I resigned from my last job and relationship. They're over. Time to move on.
2011 is going to be my year! Woohoooo!

2011 New Year's Resolution

2010-12-31T21:42:00.001-08:00

I promise to face my fears head-on as they come, and avoid any delay. Pretending they do not exist doesn't work, and the delay only causes it to be worse. Acknowledge the issue and face it. That's my goal for this year.

Applicable in all aspects of my life. Cheers to 2011! :D

What was it?

2010-12-18T23:28:00.000-08:00

So is it considered a "relationship" then? If not, then I'm back to the NBSB club. Haha.

Well, we knew and acknowledged we like each other, and care about each other. And we were exclusive and committed to each other and in our relationship while we were together.

But: there is no love, no sex, and no assurance as to the future.
First, during the whole time we were in Vietnam, I never told him that I love him, and he never told me he loves me either. Second, the whole no-sex set-up was of course conjured up by me. He's got nothing to lose, and I've got something. I have self control, and he always wants it anyway. Third, we knew about each other's plans. I was there when he was applying for jobs. I was there when he was processing his documents. I was there when he accepted the job offer, and he told me everything about it. And he knew about my plans too. Not really "plans" plans, since I have no real plans to speak of. But the alternatives of what I might do when I get back - get togethers with family and friends, job offers, etc. He knew all about them. So we have our own plans - separate, independent, individual plans.

So what did we have? Companionship for the time being that we both needed each other. Nothing permanent, but it was necessary. And important to both of us. So yeah, maybe I'm just delaying the end of it all.

The Secret working today

2010-12-16T05:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today started out okay. Just okay, good enough. Nothing great.

Woke up a bit late, got a taxi after some time, and paid just a little bit more than what I paid for the past 2 days (both same amount). Finally had my third and last day for sputum. Then went home and rested for a while. I planned for what I should do this afternoon. Went to 2 furniture shops in Quezon Ave but can't find a nice affordable dresser. Not good, and they're expensive! So went to Gilmore to buy some computer stuff for Mom. Got everything except for two items. Wow, good enough for a single without-call drop by. No major hitches - managed to withdraw the amount in a single transaction, just a bit of traffic jam, and a little rain. Then saw a laptop sale wherein my laptop now costs only 14K Php from 33K 2.5 years ago! That was fast! Oh my god. Well, most models are completely phased out and just renamed and a little upgraded and so much cheaper. I guess there are still a lot of stocks of my laptop unsold.

So then I went to Galleria. I got the book for Mama Trining! Last copy, and it was even the one with plastic cover! After searching in other malls and all out of stock, it was really lucky of me! Then I got some nice clothes as gifts for my sisters - on sale! :) Then I went to buy cellphone for Ate Beth, and I got it cheaper than the already discounted price for VIP members. And I got a Globe SIM card free! Just what mom asked me to do. A phone and a SIM card, and good, and cheap! Then I went to buy some vitamins and I was hoping I'd get it cheaper than before, and I found a promo pack which is cheaper than the other store, and the usual package I buy. Then I went to Mcdo and asked for 2 sulit burger meals totaling a hundred pesos. Just for snacks while in traffic on the way home. The cashier said there's none, asked me to Wait, then found...the last 2 burgers! Yey!

So, THE SECRET worked for me today! It really works! :)
1. Got the Gaisano stuff - more than usual!
2. Got the book - last one, after searching several branches already! and with plastic cover.
3. Got nice clothes for sisters - and discounted!
4. Got cellphone - discounted, and with SIM!
5. Got vitamins - cheaper!
6. Got the burger meals - last 2!

Downside:
1. No dresser yet
2. No Ipod for sophie yet
3. My laptop's depreciating price

Well, there are bits of ups and downs but today is definitely more on the UP! :) Lots of good things way above the downside. And who knows, maybe I didn't get those things or experienced the little negative, because something out there is better! This will all turn out for the best.

And if the Secret worked on little things, maybe it's time to work on bigger things? :) Successful career, happy family, a big house and cars and nice phones. Yey! :D

December 16

2010-12-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Last day for SPUTUM! Woohooo! And today, I have to go shopping! Lots of things to buy, and to do. Go go go!

Not so keen on attending the simbang gabi. Really tires me out. It started this morning, and I missed it. Oh well. I'll attend some later on. Thank you Lord for the wonderful life I have.

I know I have to move on - http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2010/11/how-to-get-over-the-guy-you-cant-get-over?currentPage=1

Christmas cards

2010-12-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sending cards to people. And the one person I really like to give a card to, doesn't want me to. Why, honey?

December 14

2010-12-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

FAITH. Like when you pray to the Lord, and believe He will grant your wish. You ask once, you believe that it will be done, you have Faith, and then you move on.

Today, I had my first Sputum test. One out of three consecutive days. It was inconvenient, but I had to do it. It was my way to move on. I'm thankful I have the money to pay all my bills and more. That I'm healthy, and in perfect health.

Thank you, Oh Lord.

December 13

2010-12-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

This morning, I decided to take him out of the equation. To avoid considering him in all my decisions. As if he's not part of my life anymore.

Now, if I can't have everything I want in a particular job. Then I suppose I will have to get my priorities straight. I want to travel, so I'll get a job which involves travelling. Even though the actual job itself is less than ideal. But this is better than just avoiding what I don't want, like what happened last time - going for anything other than audit.

Dec 11

2010-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful for waking up with my mom and sister in the house. We have good food, and a nice house. Today, I am thankful I have you, no matter where you are. Thank you for the plenty of time I have right now.

LDR

2010-12-09T03:52:00.000-08:00

Love.

So how does this work? How does this long distance relationship work? We are friends, i know. And I'll try to keep it as it is...for now. We'll just see how it goes.

I really love you, honey. And I don't know how to start again.

Start all over again

2010-12-08T03:13:00.000-08:00

I am confused, lost. And I really need you, honey. Not to tell me what to do, but to support me. Just be there for me. It seems I lost a big part of me when we separated. I'm just starting to pick up the pieces and start being inspired again.

Marriage

2010-12-07T20:56:00.001-08:00

In the context of The Secret, The Power, or the Law of Attraction -

We can say that marriage as an exclusive relationship and long-term commitment, is actually a blessing and a challenge. It is more subject to possibilities of failures due to human weaknesses. But the concerned parties are also more exposed to a wide range of emotions. In this case, with all the challenges faced in marriage compared to any other type of relationship - if you can surmount all, and still choose love, then you have in the process, learned the secret to life. You forgive, respect, trust, and love another person. It gives you a chance to apply all the learnings. And you practice it, you love, and you succeed in life.

Marriage is a way to be able to control your emotions, learn to love completely, and live life fully.

Planner

2010-12-07T20:05:00.001-08:00

That's why a planner is so important. You get to plan things ahead, you imagine how they're gonna work out, and then they do. You create your life intentionally, instead of relaying on outside forces to get things done. You become more effective, and efficient. You plan, you dream, and you imagine.

Perfect.

Jobs

2010-12-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

I would like to meet really passionate people in their work. Happy, passionate people. I've realized my batch mates are not happy with their jobs, even those in what we would normally consider our dream jobs. There must be something really wrong. There is something more than money in consideration.

Wealth. I want wealth.

2010-12-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

i want to be rich.
if i SAVE a lot, will I be rich?
Are the SAVERS we've often read about eliminating their credit card debt, living a debt free life, and no ccs - are they rich? wealthy? or they just debt free?

I want a ten bedroom house with a vast lawn and farm. with a pool and a garage. with plants and animals, butterflies and fireflies. I want to go to canada and live like a princess.

no haste or worry or fear
advancing or increasing myself is to make myself a better person
and add value to other people's lives
internal purpose and not to please others

i feel stagnant again
i want to start dreaming again of grand and beautiful things
and start acting on it!

"That is the way every seeming failure will work out for you, if you keep your faith, hold to your purpose, have gratitude, and do everyday, all that can be done that day, doing each separate act in a successful manner."

A Prayer

2010-12-02T00:57:00.000-08:00

I would like to Think. Really, really Think. I like museums, food, photography, travel. I like going around and actually doing something with my hands. Not just sitting in a computer all day long. It makes me sick and depressed.

Lord, please help me. That I may have Faith. To believe that Everything will be fine. That this point of my life will turn out to be a great blessing.

Point me the way. Where you want me to go. Where I can fulfill my duties and be happy. Where I can best exert my talents and skills.

Where do you want me, oh Lord? I hope I get the visa on time and free tickets so I can go to Canada. Or help me with my business. Thank you. I leave it up to you.

2009 and 2010

2010-11-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

What did I accomplish for the past 2 years?

2009:
March- IRC Singapore
April - Graduated
June - Double A Thailand trip
October - CPA

2010:
February - Mead Johnson, Philippines
March-September - Teaching in Vietnam
October-November - FPHC, Philippines
and I met Steve! :)

From the internet

2010-11-27T17:02:00.001-08:00

From somewhere in the internet on love & relationships:

You can't promise to love someone for life, because you either do or you don't. But speaking from experience, sometimes it's not the idea of marriage. It's who you're involved with. He may say he loves you & wants to be with you forever. But until you meet that one person who you don't want to risk losing & you back it up with action, those are just words. I told every guy I ever dated that I had zero interest in marriage. Until I fell in love with the man who I wanted to truly hold onto in love for life. When you're passionately in love, you want to seal the deal & start your lives together. You want to take it to that ultimate level of commitment. If someone doesn't feel the way you do, you have a choice to make. And you're not entitled to resent him or her if minds don't change, and you've wasted years hoping it would.

Posted by Glenda Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:36am PST
In the end, it doesn't really matter what his thinking is-he has you exactly the way he wants you, so there is no reason for him to get married. I am married; I didn't marry until I was 27 (I am now 53), and I dated many different men before I met my husband and married him. I was engaged twice before him; I wasn't ready and both men pushed me into the engagements, so of course thay didn't last. I will tell you this for a fact-it doesn't take very long for a man (or a woman) to decide if you are the one they want to marry; the hard cold truth is this-this man will most likely never willingly marry you, and if you somehow push him into marriage neither of you will really be happy and you will never hear the end of it.

Nine years is way too long to wait-you deserve a man who wants you and has no problem letting you know it; a man who will marry you and show you off proudly to the world as his wife. Don't "settle" for what this man is giving you-you deserve so much more! GO OUT AND GET IT, GIRL!!!!

Vicious cycle

2010-11-26T21:33:00.001-08:00

"Because we work harder, we reward ourselves by eating more—especially fast-food fare, which is laden with trans fats, smoking and drinking more. That leaves us less time to exercise and give our mind and bodies enough time to recover from its daily load of stress. The end-effect is a more financially affluent, but obese, overworked and stressed Asian who finds it necessary to calm his nerves by smoking. In China, three out of four men smoke. In the Philippines, more than half of men are smokers. Younger people, including the so-called adolescent “tweeners,” are smoking more."

http://business.inquirer.net/money/features/view/20101119-304170/Asean-cardiovascular-disease-challenge

A rather vicious cycle. We reward ourselves with fastfood, junkfood, smoking, and other stupid things because we worked hard and we earned a lot of money. And later on in life, we'll use the money we earned to reverse the "rewards" we treated ourselves to. Kinda like working a lot and stressing ourselves out just so we can afford to get a really nice spa.

Humiliating Love and a Bad Temper

2010-11-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

There are problems you want to get over by focusing on something else. Some hurt or pain will heal over time. But if they are questions you are trying to ignore and forget, later on they will confront you again and you’re back to square one.

Were they cowards? Who is braver? Is quitting (as to outsiders) and facing your inner demons (inside) braver or more cowardly than its opposite – going on like before while dying inside?

Women with their hormones, moods, and emotions-based thinking are more prone to feeling depressed. Ha, humiliating love and a bad temper - as from another woman in a book I'm reading. Is that all there is? A lot of women have been through the same thing as mine. I am not gonna hide and escape with career. I'm going to face this head on. Because time is fast and before I know it, months and years will pass by. Time would have passed, and I haven’t grown a bit.

My former boss said if she's presented a choice between marriage and career, she wouldn't have second thoughts and choose marriage with all the traditional concepts - plain housewife, raising children, stay-at-home, etc. And she still thinks about it. Maybe with regret, with what-ifs. But she looks happy, that you'd think she's living a charmed life.

I wonder how she's feeling inside.

Dual personality

2010-11-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

I think all of us have that dual personality, or an awareness that somewhere inside us is a person quite the opposite of what is generally on the outside. If we are the happy, gay, cheerful, helpful person...then there lies inside us also a quiet, reflective person with a few demons battling for attention.

And the change is triggered by certain unexpected and unpredictable scenarios, but the effect is oftentimes fleeting.

Which one do you like better? How much do you dread the other person? The opposite...and i suppose, other people call it yin and yang?

Men, not Boys

2010-11-20T18:55:00.001-08:00

I want a man of character - someone who can make decisions on his own, and can take risks, based on his principles, desires, and passions. It is, therefore, necessary that he knows himself as he can recognize those three when they appear, and build those into his personality that in the end, he has made himself whole.

A Single Woman's take on Love, Marriage, and Divorce

2010-11-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

With my current state of mind occupied 24/7 by thoughts of my relationship with my boyfriend, this is the only topic I could write about at the moment. Wait, boyfriend? Ex. Repeat, Ex. In a few weeks’ time, our status fluctuated from “In a relationship” to “Single” to “It’s Complicated” to “In a relationship” again, and now it’s back to “It’s Complicated”. As an accountant, I’m predisposed on prudence and conservatism, which is why I’m more likely to label our relationship as Off rather then On. Why the complicated status (pardon the pun), you might ask? Mainly because of the geographical distance between us.

I was an NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) for a good 23 years, when I met my first boyfriend in Hanoi 3 months ago. Initially, I thought a relationship is either a Yes or a No, and nothing in between…until now. Well, it’s one of those things a person has a hard time understanding until he/she personally experienced it. So I won’t bother explaining it to those who haven’t.

A year ago, I fell in love with a book. It’s a collection of 14 short stories – “The Stories of Edith Wharton”, Volume 1, Selected and Introduced by Anita Brookner. Five of them are my favorites, and they delve into the hearts, minds, and souls of the protagonists about the three matters I stated above. I will borrow excerpts from these stories, as I couldn’t express my thoughts better than the authoress herself.

The Letters

As her husband advanced up the path she had a sudden vision of their three years together. Those years were her whole life; everything before them had been colorless and unconscious, like the blind life of the plant before it reaches the surface of the soil. The years had not been exactly what she had dreamed; but if they had taken away certain illusions they had left richer realities in their stead. She understood now that she had gradually adjusted herself to the new image of her husband as he was, as he would always be. He was not the hero of her dreams, but he was the man she loved, and who had loved her. For she saw now, in this last wide flash of pity and initiation, that, as a comely marble may be made out of worthless scraps of mortar, glass, and pebbles, so out of mean mixed substances may be fashioned a love that will bear the stress of life.

Charm, Incorporated

‘But, Katinka, if Bellamy’s so gone on you, he ought to marry you,’ he said severely.

Katinka nodded her assent. ‘Certainly he ought. And I think he will, after I have lived with him a few months.’

This upset every single theory of Targatt’s with regard to his own sex. ‘But, my poor girl – if you go and live with a man first like…like any woman he could have for money, why on earth should he want to marry you afterward?’

Katinka looked at him calmly. Her eyelashes were not as long as Nadeja’s, but her eyes were as full of wisdom. ‘Habit,’ she said simply, and in an instant Targatt’s conventional world was in fragments at his feet. Who knew better than he did that of you once had the Kouradjine habit you couldn’t be cured of it? He said nothing more, and sat back to watch what happened to Mr. Bellamy.

Again, what is Love? Is it initial attraction thereafter sustained by Habit?

The Other Two

And then, gradually, habit formed a protecting surface for his sensibilities. If he paid for each day’s comfort with the small change of his illusions, he grew daily to value the comfort more and set less store upon the coin. He had drifted into a dulling propinquity with Haskett and Varick and he took refuge in the cheap revenge of satirizing the situation. He even began to reckon up the advantages which accrued from it, to ask himself if it were not better to own a third of a wife who knew how to make a man happy than a whole man who had lacked the opportunity to acquire the art. For it was an art, and made up, like all others, of concessions, eliminations, and embellishments; of light judiciously thrown and shadows skillfully softened. His wife knew exactly how to manage the lights and he knew exactly to what training she owed her skill. He even tried to trace the source of his obligations, to discriminate between the influences which had combined to produce his domestic happiness: he perceived that Haskett’s commonness had made Alice worship good breeding, while Varick’s liberal construction of the marriage bond had taught her to value the conjugal virtues; so that he was directly indebted to his predecessors for the devotion which made his life easy if not inspiring.

Friends are always asking me how many girlfriends my boyfriend had before me. I never asked, and never bothered. If it made him a sweeter person than before, then I’m fine with it. To how many girls do I owe such favor? Were they thinking that maybe our relationship was based on lies? I always felt his sincerity and genuineness, and he’s thoughtful in ways I would only realize afterward. He’s a gentleman in the most traditional sense, a warm person, and he knows how to treat people in the most endearing way appropriate.

The Reckoning

‘The law?’ she echoed ironically. ‘When he asks for his freedom?’
‘You are not obliged to give it.’
‘You were not obliged to give me mine – but you did.’
He made a protesting gesture.
‘You saw that the law couldn’t help you – didn’t you?’ she went on. ‘That is what I see now. The law represents material rights – it can’t go beyond. If we don’t recognize an inner law…the obligation that love creates…being loved as well as loving…there is nothing to prevent our spreading ruin unhindered…is there?’ She raised her head plaintively, with the look of a bewildered child. ‘That is what I see now…what I wanted to tell you. He leaves me because he’s tired…but I was not tired; and I don’t understand why he is. That’s the dreadful part of it – the not understanding: I hadn’t realized what it meant. But I’ve been thinking of it all day, and things have come back to me – things I hadn’t noticed…when you and I…’ She moved closer to him, and fixed her eyes on his with the gaze which tries to reach beyond words. ‘I see now that you didn’t understand – did you?’

With a predominantly Catholic society, we tend to look with disapproval the people who are publicly known as separated or divorced. Sometimes, it is ignored that an obviously unhappy-for-a-long-time married couple are such. It is seen as an obligation, and that the law is unbreakable. Even if they seem like they were suffering and had no hope of marital happiness, and their children as their only excuses for staying together, as they fervently placed all their reason of happiness on their children. We judge by official announcements, and external actions. We ignore the obvious, albeit not declared, declarations. How about the private thoughts, as well as the actions they exchanged as a couple? Do those not count as being unfaithful? These are details privy to the persons involved, but are they not treated as actions of unfaithfulness? Shouldn’t happiness be the first priority, as long as there is neither harm nor offense being inflicted on other people?

The Long Run

‘She summed it all up, you know, when she said that one way of finding out whether a risk is worth taking is not to take it, and then to see what one becomes in the long run, and draw one’s inferences. The long run - well, we’ve run it, she and I. I know what I’ve become, but that’s nothing to the misery of knowing what she’s become. She had to have some kind of life, and she married Reardon. Reardon’s a very good fellow in his way; but the worst of it is that it’s not her way…’

FYI: My boyfriend is Caucasian, 16 years my senior, currently lives in another country other than his hometown (and mine), and has no religion. With differences in age, language, culture, religion (or lack thereof), and yes, height too, we face all the stares and the glares, the smirks and the vicious comments about any of those aspects. We do not look like the conventional couple, but we are in love. And do we care about these critics? No, we don’t. I don’t think we offend them in any real way, anyway. Are we interested to learn more about each other’s background and make the necessary adjustments? Yes. And I’m thankful that the stars blessed us with an open-minded family and friends. We lived in our own little world, and we learned that sometimes, a little Ignorance is Bliss. There will be more challenges to come. But if we can weather the remaining 9 months with long-distance relationship until our first anniversary, then I suppose we can face any obstacle head-on after that. Will our 2-month actual romance fuel us with passion to last the trial period? Are we willing to finally decide for ourselves (vs. letting ourselves go where life takes us) and take risks that will affect us for the rest of our lives? We had plans even before we met. Our meeting together was not a part of our respective plans.

Is Love a game, then? Did I lose? Or was it a game where both parties may win? We created a love story regardless of other people’s definition of love, sweetness, and thoughtfulness. We took it to a whole new level, as we dealt with it as it is on our own time and in our own ways. It was without basis on a chick-lit’s drama, Nicholas Spark’s movies, and societal assumption of gender-based roles. So what if you knew more of domestic and household work than I do?

As I was getting all emotional with our then up-coming separation as we were both leaving the city where we met, and flying to different countries after:

Him: We had a great time, didn’t we?
Me: Yes!
Him: So, it’s nothing to be sad about. It’s something that we should be happy about.

All these stories were stuck in my head for months. And by the Law of Attraction, I might have attracted circumstances that are similar to my thoughts. If I knew that a few of the tragic scenes from these stories will happen in my life, I should have read all the fairy tales and all the happily-ever-after ones.

From the diary of a 15-year old girl

2010-11-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

February 18, 1918

...A passionate joy comes over me when I look into the distance; there, beyond the houses, the towns, the people, all is radiant, all is full of sunshine...Then it dawns upon me that my life will be different from theirs...bright, interesting...

Then I see young girls, such as I shall become in three or four years' time. They live, like every one else from day to day, waiting for something. They live drab, dull lives...Probably they too had visions of a bright, happy future, and gazed into the golden distance...But now...where is that golden distance? Did they not reach it? Can one never reach it? Does it exist really, or only in our dreams?

For, surely, I am not the only dreamer. Are they not dreamers too? Shall I live on as they do, following the pattern woven by routine on the canvas of life? Waiting for some one?

There will be nothing...No, no, not that! I am frightened. Given me my golden horizon. Let me live a full life, with all the strength of my soul.

October 14, 1918

...I shall arrange it, so as not to depend on love, let alone wait for it as so many girls do. I shall live. If love comes I shall take it; if not, I shall regret it, wildly regret it, but I shall live all the same.

I see in my imagination a small flat, furnished with exquisite comfort...Beauty everywhere, softness, cosiness. And I am the mistress of it - a woman and a personality at the same time. I live an interesting life: writers, artists, painters forgather at my house, a really interesting circle, a close, friendly community. I know no picture more attractive than this. I am free, independent. In these surroundings, in which there is even no place for it, I shall not regret love. Life is full without it. It is only the dawn of love which I should miss...those moments, the memory of which beautifies all the life of man.

-Nelly Ptaschkina

Realizations

2010-11-20T04:20:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time. I bought a book today at my favorite bookstore with all the second (or third) hand books. It's about diaries of women, with excerpts to show their feelings. It's mostly about emotions, and I was moved. I haven't finished it yet, but I intend to. I love my weekends! I have plenty of time to think, and to read! And I love reading, and thinking and reflecting about what I've just read. And these women! They have real emotions, with depth and breadth and with no attempt to pretend or conceal any of it. And I recognize most of them! The dreams, the loneliness, the tempers, and all the little peskiness "normal" people would dismiss as petty.

I wanted to write this entry here, and not in my Steve blog. That was for him, and I have to have my own identity. I longed and still do, long for someone to be able to share my thoughts with. I usually imagine myself talking to someone explaining my side of the story, with my conjured up scenarios wherein I'd prevail as the one more experienced, more interesting, more exciting of the group. Just to be able to think! It makes me think of reasons I would have never thought of just thinking on my own without imagining conversing with it with someone else. And I do long to have a real person whom I can share those imaginary conversations with, with a resulting enlightenment and happiness on both sides. But with Steve, our relationship is still quite new. We are just starting. It may seem as if we have fastforwarded some events as a couple, but I suppose with the distance we are learning how to slow down and get back at the start. So we are starting anew each time, and discovering more about ourselves I hope. I want to learn more about him, but I'm quite afraid that if I bombard him with my personal thoughts, he may be overwhelmed and he may think he should respond in the same way. It might cause him to shut down and remove me completely from his system. And I know I cannot go on without him...at this point, that is. So for now, we'll take it slow. As I am not a person of subtlety and gradualness, rather a person of extremes, with no comprises in between - this is a rather taxing occupation.

I've been thinking what I have done so far since last year. You see, 2009 - I graduated from college, took the CPA board exam, and went to Singapore and Thailand. This year, 2010 - I started and ended 3 jobs, and went to Vietnam. At present, I've come to realize life has been moving so fast. That if I'm not careful of being at "present" and holding on to my dreams, if I'll just let society (not life) move me - I will go on forever living in the office cubicle. It would have been by far, the MOST CONVENIENT way to live life, isn't it? With a nice cubicle, a good job, good environment, steady pay and long-term benefits so you won't worry in the future? Was I living on a payday-to-payday basis then? Working just to pay my bills? Was it all it meant to be an adult? Keep a job to pay the bills, and manage your temper. Days just zoom by, and before you know it, it's been weeks...and months! What have I accomplished these past several weeks? I don't think I have enjoyed the working days half as much than my weekends - where I felt free and limited at the same time. Free to do anything I want, but limited as to time.

Did I quit? Was it considered quitting? I would like to think more if it as Pausing. Trying to stop time for a little while, just to think and see how far I've gone and chart my future. I can't go on just because. I want to be able to dream again, and believe in my dreams. I may be naive, honey. But imagination keeps me alive! I wanted to have and feel that passion again - the passion to do something, feel the love for something. Office job makes me feel dead. It's killing me. Other people are fine with it, some even bloom I suppose. But I don't. It's just not me. I would like to start my mornings with coffee and newspaper, do some reading and writing, and then do (not work as it implies something dreadful and grueling) something I really want to do! Something I'd wake up for!

I don't want a job with only the end in mind. To feel rewarded and happy upon achieving something, and be totally miserable and stressed the whole time on the way to that goal. I heard that Life is a Journey, not an end in itself. I want to enjoy the way, like traveling. It's not just from point A to B. It's the whole trip! Of course we can't have happy moments all the time, as I've also read that you can't differentiate happiness and sadness if you're just feeling one emotion all the time. But we can Choose our general disposition.

And about Steve, have I been making illusions of him as my knight in shining armor? Someone who's gonna take care of me so I won't have to work? I've got all these disney fairy tales in my mind - prince charming and happily ever after. It's like there is a fork in the road leading to 2 narrow paths - 1 successful independent career, and 1 happy romantic marital bliss. Can I have both? Independence as my own person, and Marriage (or Companionship) with my soul mate. Would it be compatible? I have been thinking lately they are quite exclusive of each other, and to choose one would be to ignore the other. Maybe it will work, as soon as I find and develop my own person.

I want to work - doing something I know adds value to the human society, as a whole, as the net effect to everything and everyone in general. Not limited to the family, the country, or whatever group society has demanded service for. I commute to work everyday, and I see the faces of my fellow commuters. They are dead, retired as someone else said. Some are pretty and wear makeup, but most are plain and dull and boring...as if they live a boring life. Because oftentimes a face is a reflection of your soul - with your eyes and the smile. But they look like zombies just going to work because they have to and have been programmed to. Maybe they appear so because they're using the travel time to reflect and think about that day or other issues? But the end matter is...they don't look happy. They look totally devoid of life.

But I want life. I want emotions, passions, expressions! Fine, even tempers! Those goody two shoes girls I met makes me wonder if they have really experienced enough in life to have the depth and breadth of human emotions. Why are they so limited, so controlled? ...so narrow. It's not good to judge people, but it's not bad to reflect about their lives so I'll know what I want and don't.

I like Steve precisely because he's got character, and his own personality. And he reads. He isn't afraid what people might think of him. He's got his own mind, and I think that's what makes one a Man or a Woman. Though he's happy when I take the lead sometimes, with his permission of course. It makes him relaxed. But still, he's his own person and he won't bend for anybody. And neither of us can claim having controlled the other. With guys my age, they seem captivated by me and my mind and whatever it is I've done or planned to do. I have conquered them, and they haven't even conquered themselves.

Quite ironic now that I'm hearing a lot of young women wanting to marry their Prince Charmings, stop working, and live in their castles forever. And this after decades of women fighting for freedom and equality. :)

Sept 13, Monday

2010-09-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

Steve,

Hindi ko man lang nasabi sayo ng harap-harapan, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na mahal kita. Andaming pagkakataon pero hindi ko man lang yun nagawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero kung hindi pa panahon, maghihintay ako. Kung tayo talaga, sana marinig mo rin ang tawag ng tadhana.

I must admit, you were more committed to the relationship at the start. I didn't know if it was just so easy for you to be that, or if you're really in love with me. I was so cold and distant. But I was still trying to figure out my feelings as well as how to express them. Honestly, I don't know if it's love, if it's the real thing. But the only thing I know is that I want to be with you forever. And I told you that before, you're the only person I can give forever to.

Mahal, sana masaya ka kung nasaan ka man. At habang ako'y nagsisimula ng panibagong buhay, gagawin ko ang lahat para sa susunod nating pagkikita (kung sakali man), mas magiging maayos at masaya ang relasyon natin. At sana magkasama tayo magpakailanman.

letter to Steve

2010-09-11T02:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Steve,

I'm here in Manila already. I just changed my Facebook status as not listed in a relationship, which I might as well do before you delete your account. I really hope you wouldn't though. I want to see some of your pictures in China.

I'm sorry for last night - I should have listened and answered your questions. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time, that you'd laugh at them, and then I'd know that they don't matter to you. I'm sorry for today's calls - I just can't imagine how it's going to be like the next days, and weeks, and months. We've only been going out for over a month, but I hope the notes tell you how much you mean to me.

Thank you for everything. I have no regrets in saying "yes", meeting you, and having fun. I was happy, and I hope you were too. My only regret would be that we were both there for each other when we were planning our next trips, and I was thinking that maybe...just maybe, we could have done something to make it work for both of us.

I remember the Ninh Binh trip with the bridge, the stars, the fireflies, and you. I remember sitting beside the lake, in a cafe, or having lunch/dinner with you in a restaurant. I remember just hanging out with you watching TV in your apartment. I remember you driving all the way to Cau Giay just to pick me up, and later drop me off at Doi Can. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses, your smell, your shirt, everything about you. I will miss your apartment, your motorbike, and all the places we've been to. I will miss the way you hold me, and I will miss your laughter. I will miss you, evil Steve. It's not going to be easy for me, but you were nice and sympathetic enough.

And oh, I think you'd be a great dad. I've seen you with pets and kids, and you love them. Age isn't an issue. You know what? I thought, just thought...that with all those side comments from you, that you were actually changing your mind about marriage. False hope, I guess. I was hoping that there'd be something more. And now I realized what the differences are between dating and bf-gf: Love and Commitment. And we never told each other the L-word. So I'm saying it now - I do love you, Steve. And it will take me some time to let go, and move on. But I will really really try not to contact you again unless you ask. This should be my last, and I really hope I can control myself. I'm still crying, and I've been crying since I called you this morning. It hurts, and I can't help it.

Even though it hurts, still I'd wish on a thousand shooting stars for Forever. But only if you'd be happy too. And I wish you the best in everything that you do.

Love,
Nikki

Reflections on Breakup

2010-09-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

Why I had no boyfriend before?

I never liked anyone that much to exert effort in a relationship. I follow my instincts more than I do what my brain thinks. And with you, I was just comfortable - no questions asked. It just felt so right. I knew there was no certainty, but I was still in for the real thing. It was a risk I had to take, and I wanted to take. And I'd do it again if given the same opportunity.

I just want you to know, that even though I knew there was no assurance, that we have to part ways, and there will be changes..I was still in for the real thing.

Maybe it just took me some time to get used to the idea of having you around. Maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other, and that we might misinterpret what the other person is trying to say. Maybe I just didn't have the previous experiences necessary for me to express my feelings properly. Maybe I just wasn't the expressively sweet and loving person you want me to be.

But I just want you to know - that I do care for you, and I wish you the best in life. I hope you enjoy the travels and adventures you will have ahead.

We had a great time, didn't we? We had a wonderful time together. And I don't regret taking the risk. If I had one shot at Mr. Right, I'm going to take the risk. Yes, yes. I will say Yes, over and over again.

You taught me how to love, how to let go. I'm willing to do everything, and fight for something but I have to know that person I'm willing to fight for wants me to do it as well...wants to be won over.

You're a very attractive person, and I am jealous of all the girls throwing themselves at you, while you continue to be the sweet person that you are.

Things I should have told you then:
1. You are attractive
2. You make me happy and contented
3. You make me laugh
4. Yes, you got me!

And I have taken them all for granted

I have to stop being so sensitive. You love me, and I know that! And I'm not helping either of us, or the situation by being so negative. You love me. And I love you. And we will be together forever.

I know the feeling of being grumpy and not caring about the other people. It's been too long, and you are tired. I hope you're making the right decision darling.

I am happy. Because I found someone whom I can give forever to. I thank the Lord everyday, that I met you and I experienced love, which is something you cannot sympathize with unless you experienced it.

What will happen is just a challenge - a test if we are really for each other. Bring it on, Life! I'm ready. If we're not for each other, then somebody else out there is for us. Someone better suited to us. And yes, we shouldn't be sad. We should be happy. Because in the end, everything's going to be alright. Just the way it should be. Just the way God wants it to be. The perfect way.

Breakup Part 3

2010-09-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

August 31: The last day in my calendar

We were at the cafe, and you were just trying to hold on to a conversation mindlessly, heartlessly. Just like some colleague at work trying to cheer themselves without their hearts really into it. I can see it in your eyes, in the way you talk, and the way you look at me.

I kept wanting to hug you, but you kept pushing me away. You said it's the same thing over and over again. I was trying to hold back tears, and you kept telling me not to cry. But I kept crying, and I can sense the annoyance in your voice. You said I cannot understand why I'm sad. We had a great time, and it's something we
should be happy about. You cannot understand why it's hard for me to let go and move on.

Me: Would it kill you to hold me back just for a few more days before you leave?
You: -no response-
Me: You wouldn't hear from me again - no texts, no calls, no emails.
You: *shocked* What? I thought we're gonna keep this up - on and off.
Me: What? Merry Christmas, Steve? It's easier for me that way.
You: Okay.

Me: But while we're still here, we might as well be happy, right?
You: Yeah we can still hang out, go somewhere, chat. But it's over. And you know that.
Me: -long pause- Is it over because we're gonna leave soon, or is it because you don't like me anymore?
You: I still like you. -but maybe not as much as before?-
Me: I knew there was no assurance, and I should have been more prepared.
You: You are prepared.
Me: -confused- Yea, time's up. It's in my calendar - August 31. 45..46 days.
You: -surprised- That's it for you? -no idea why you're so annoyed by what i said-
Me: Yes. And then I'll go back to the Philippines, and will try to forget you. Can we go to your apartment one last time? I want to tell you one more thing.

@ your apartment:
I sat on your lap and hugged you. And I won't let you push me away.
Me: I care about you, and I'm happy when I'm with you.
You: Is that all? Were you just afraid you're gonna cry again?
Me: Yes.
You: But you just told me you're gonna forget me when you get back to the Philippines.
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend?
You: -no reaction-
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend? How could I forget my first kiss?...Well,we can't be friends, but I won't hate you either.
You: -shocked again and long pause- How was it?
Me: What?
You: Your first kiss!
Me: Well, we were in Ninh Binh.
You: I didn't ask where, I asked how was it!
Me: I'm trying to remember!
You: You don't have to remember anything!
Me: Great!
You: You're learning!

And then you hugged me, kissed me. And you just transformed into the old sweet, charming Steve that I used to know. And I haven't told you yet that I love you.

Then we had a nice time watching TV, and had a wonderful dinner. A happy evening for us.

Breakup Part 2

2010-09-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

Farewell Party:

The only reason that I invited him is because I'm thankful he introduced me to you. I'm getting emotional lately, and I really promised you that I won't be emotional at the party. There was no assurance from the start, we both knew it's gonna be over at the end of the month. It was no surprise to anyone. I knew it from the start. I played it cool the whole time. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now. If it's a game, then I lost. But I took the risk, and I don't regret it.

I have to be smiling at the party. And it really takes an effort every time I'm reminded of the time remaining. When i start crying, you'd tell me gently that when we started dating, we both knew. But you were so distant these past few days. You weren't as sweet as before. So I'm really getting worried. You were so ready to commit before, when we just started.

Breakup Part 1

2010-09-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

Let me try to remember what exactly happened for the past week. When we got back from Hai Phong, I told you I was hurt because you kept pushing me away. You kept giving me the "It's hot and I'm sweating" excuse. Days after that, I was the one who initiated most of our dates. I called you, asked you to pick me up, and barged into your apartment.

You were cold and distant, and I couldn't figure out why. When we go out, it seems like you never even want to see me. You don't even want to touch and kiss me. I had the feeling it's gonna be over soon.

We had lunch the day before the farewell party. Before we slept that night, we talked about our breakup. And you gave me your hanky because you said I'm gonna need it.

You: How about it started with a lunch and ended with a lunch? The last lunch we'd ever have. It can be the one we had today or tomorrow or any other day. Or how about 3.33am? Good enough for you?
Me: How about lunch and dinner? Started with a lunch and ended with a dinner?
You: I still like lunch-lunch. The last lunch. It's almost poetic. We'd never know until it's way over.
Me: Okay.
You: Or how about now?
Me: Now?
You: Now? How about now?
Me: Last lunch then.

Darn it. You got me now, and you want to let go?!

I was crying for the past several days, and my eyes are always red and puffy. You said you never understood why I was crying. We had a great time, I should be happy. It's nothing to be sad about. When I say I'm gonna miss you, you say nothing. As if you heard nothing.

Darling

2010-08-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

You thought I'd play the game. You thought I can play the game. You thought I usually play the game. Even with that image of me in your mind, I took the risk and refused to back down. You wouldn't have dated me if you knew I'd be in for the real thing, would you?

I'd be the sweet, wonderful, easy-going person you liked the first few weeks of us being together. Because darling, if I've got one shot at Mr. Right, I'm willing to take the risk. And yes, I have to be happy for the remaining days in our calendar.

You are my first boyfriend. My first kiss.

Darling, I just have to tell you that before you leave. Not that I want you to go back to me, but I just want to show you that despite my coldness, my defense mechanism of protecting myself...I really wanted you that much to give you everything of me.

You

2010-08-29T04:01:00.001-07:00

I love you, darling. And I haven't even told you that.

Mantra: I am an attractive, loving person and so are you. We are in love. You love me. We will live together forever. We will be happy forever.

Funny

2010-08-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

Me: We're going somewhere to meet someone for something.
Him: Who are we meeting? And why are we meeting him?
Me: Him/Her, I don't know yet. Because I need that person for something.
Him: So you need me to be there when you meet this person you haven't even met before?
Me: I don't NEED you. I WANT you to be there. I want your opinion.

Him: Is it a preacher? A priest, or anyone associated with church or any religion?
Me: HUH? HAHAHA! No! Don't worry, it has nothing to do with long-term commitments.
Him: It isn't about long-term commitments! With all those questions about religion you were asking me then!

----
Me: It's a surprise!
Him: I don't like surprises! I already have a lot of bad experiences with surprises, and they usually involve women!
Me: Okaay.
----
Me: Mot...Hai
Him: Hello :)

wired in a different way

2010-08-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

Aug 17: First Monthsary

Me: I got my hair cut yesterday, and you didn't notice.
You: I'm bad at that!
Me: I got my legs waxed, AND you didn't notice.
You: OH, I DID!

Wow. :D

Aug 20: thank you for driving me home at 7 in the morning. haha.

Aug 25:
i was taking it seriously. i shouldn't have.
maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other.
for me, it's taking initiative.
for him, it's giving me control.

Sleep-over: I was sick, and although you expressed your disgust over my trash - you gave me tons of tissue paper just to make sure I'd be okay. Thoughtful in some weird way. :)

Aug 26:
If there's a soulmate for everyone, then I've found mine! :)
I just have to look at the really sweet things that he does for me.

Would it?

2010-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Would it really kill you to hold me every time we're together? At least for a week before you leave for China?

Dating vs. Bf-Gf

2010-08-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

I just realized, the difference would be the "L" and "C" words - Love and Commitment. And we never acknowledged those:

1. No "L" words so far.
2. No certainty about our future.

Am I being too clingy?

2010-08-23T02:13:00.000-07:00

Why do I need reassurance from time to time?

1. Because you never really showed affection for me in front of people we know. You never announced it, and you never seemed to see the importance of defending my position or of our relationship. You don't flirt, but you don't defend.

2. You never told me you love me. But I know you care, I know you do.

3. Because I don't know what will happen next. I just want to hold on to you as long as I can, as much as I can, because I don't know until when I can do that. Will I ever see you again?

L-O-V-E

2010-08-18T15:07:00.001-07:00

Do you love me, darling?
You've never told me that you do.
With 13 days left in our calendar, I should be getting nervous.
But I'm not.

Do you see a future in us?
We are attracted to each other, you know that.
And I miss you so today.

We've been mentioning those 3 words in connection to other people-
Not us.
We make fun, we make jokes.
Because there's this fear inside us -
Does the other person love us?

you're different!

2010-08-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

You - white skin, gray hair, brown goatee, green eyes, and a red tattoo! :)

te echo de menos

2010-08-08T06:17:00.001-07:00

I miss you!

After 16 days of seeing each other everyday, today is the first day I'm not going to see you. 16 days! 2 weeks and 2 days! I want to see you...NOW. But I have lots of work to do. And I think we need a little break from time to time.

Do you miss me too? :)

sweetest things

2010-08-05T01:16:00.001-07:00

August 5, 2010 Thursday

After my meeting, I tried to call you, and ask you to pick me up tomorrow after my class. There was something wrong with the connection, and our calls always get cut off.

Then I was walking to Hoan Kiem lake, and I passed by a Photo Exhibit entitled "Today's China". It was a decent exhibit - neat, clean, organized, and nothing frilly, but the pictures were awesome. Aside from the title and the name of the photographer, there is not a lot of information. After nearly completing the round, I texted you and you came right over. By then, I already completed 2 rounds, counted the pictures, and written on the dedication board/book. Haha. :) You came over, and I did a third round with you. You also wrote on the dedication book.

Had lunch, and went to a bookstore after. Over lunch, you told me:

1. You got coffee (not 3-in-1)when you did shopping yesterday. You don't drink coffee.
2. Also got eggs (for breakfast - I always have breakfast, and you never do. haha).
3. That I should come over and watch over your shoulder so you'd do all the things you should do - upload photos, etc. That it's a pretty good reason for me to come over.

You want me to move in? Because I really like you, and you like me too! :)

sweetest things

2010-08-04T01:11:00.000-07:00

This morning:

1. You said "I love you" in such a whisper, I still doubt whether I heard it right. I asked you again, and you said a different thing. Haha.
2. You said I have to bring an overnight bag next time.
3. You kept asking if I like your place. I do, darling. Yes, I do. :)
4. You said you still have the chocolates in your fridge, and that I've got a reason to come back.
5. You said you'll think about me when you're watching Glee.
6. Indirectly, you're saying you want me to hug you.
7. You asked if I want to stay in Hanoi for another year. What was I thinking when I said No?

I'd rather not say the word

2010-08-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

I am not confrontational so I'd rather send you an email rather than talk to you in person. I was rather offended that you think I'd go for money. It is tempting but I already thought about it before, and when a person thinks s/he can have everything s/he wants anytime, that offer becomes less tempting. I can work - I don't need it, I don't want it.

Btw, I posted some pictures of our trip on my FB. And no - there is no indication of you and I are going out as a couple - or whatever we are, I don't know. I am a poor uneducated provincial girl - I don't know the game, nor the rules. I am just a girl who happened to like someone who also happened to think that I'm just in for the fun and treat. Oh wow. We're both bored and we have time. And apparently, you think you have something you can give me and vice-versa - a mutually beneficial relationship.

I do not tolerate polygamy on either side, and I'd be out of the picture if you decide to follow the rule - When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

too attached, too soon

2010-07-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Regarding the decent bathroom in the first guesthouse:

Him: Nikki's happy.
Me (looking at him): You're happy.
Him: See, it doesn't take a lot for us to be happy.

----------------------------------------------------------

I'm happy for the past few days. I love the way you touch me. I love the way you hold me. i should have trained before. My intimacy skills are zero. and really, i want you. I hope you'd be patient, I hope you'd understand. Not that I don't want you, coz I really do. It's just that I don't know how to show you.

I remember last monday night - we hugged for the first time. your left arm was around my waist, and your head resting on my neck. it felt like heaven. not that i know what heaven feels like. but it was nothing like i've ever felt before.

Tuesday night - that slight tug on my waist as i went away. i was saying goodnight and you wouldn't let me go that easy.

2 days without YOU is already driving me crazy - can't do anything, can't sleep, don't even want to start Reading the books, and my concentration is totally out of control! I want you here, NOW! stupid rain.

I just want to finish everything I need to do so I can be with you as soon as I can.

2 days is torture! Why did I even tell you we won't see each other for the rest of the week?

Tue - I told Lyn and Rj about you. I was asking for advice. I want to make this work.
Wed - I told Anh and Jed for FYI only, and Auntie Gie for advice.

And my Mom knows. For some weird reason, she seems supportive!

You

2010-07-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

You - Caucasian, at least 6 ft tall, with a goatee and a tattoo. You - are 16 years older than me.

And really, why don't you just come over? I told you last night I don't want to bother you today, and I can't just take it back! I want you here with me, NOW.

Will I last one day without you? Why don't you even call? I miss you. And no, no "L" word for now. But yes, I love the way you hold me. I love the way you hold my hand, I love the way you put your arms around my waist. I love it when we just hug and cuddle together.

First time for me.

Cheesy. I'm getting really cheesy (and touchy!) these days. :)

Mantra: More memories with you. You are here with me now.

Yes, I'd say Yes

2010-07-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

We just went out today! Wasn't exactly the perfect date I (or he) imagined, but it was great just being with him or being together.

Lunch
Movie - Eclipse
Chatting in my room

Why am i deliriously happy? :)

Then FB with a batchmate - long one. About her relationship problems - so similar to my pseudo-relationship a long time ago. I enumerated all the things that happened between me and the guy, and how i moved on. She said it was so totally the same - she was the one always initiating, the guy just responds when it suited him, and she'd make excuses for him to herself when he does something disappointing.

I'm really glad i was over that one. Took me years. I learned and realized more when i talked to my friend. And it helped I'm quite happy right now.

The competition was a great distraction. It helped me in a lot more ways than I originally imagined. :)

memories

2010-07-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

Another prayer: You are here with me now.

One week, and it really takes a lot of effort to let go, move on, and put all the memories in one little box (or FB).

I see us together - traveling, having fun, living life. :)

Soulmate

2010-07-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

The first time I met you, I sensed a connection between us. You were so fun-loving and easy-going. I was attracted; deeply,deeply attracted.

Second time we met, it was awesome how easily we understood each other and we were of the same "wavelength". We love traveling, we don't worry much (at least when I'm with you, I don't), we have the same interests, and we don't BS.

Despite the generation gap, we read the same books, movies, and hobbies. We have similar talents and skills.

We don't have to impress each other, we don't have to impress other people, we don't have to pretend. It was just me and you, and nothing else. I wasn't tensed, except when riding with you. But then, I just want to hold on to you tighter, closer. And I know you want me to.

I knew everything's going to be fine at the very least, and great most of the time.

You're sweet, charming, and a very good person. I hope we meet again.

Mantra: I am sweet, charming, attractive; and you won't be able to resist me. We will travel, and live life together forever.

For you, I can give forever. :)

midlife crisis

2010-07-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

I realized I don't like you anymore; you became more controlling of me - my thoughts, decisions, and actions. You told me you abhor manipulative men, and yet you are one of them. You studied behavioral sciences - how come you don't know that nagging and reverse psychology don't work on highly intellectual people?

There is no way you can control me, or tie me down. Simply no way, darling. I'm outta here on September.

You and your friend keep on making passes at me. Don't know if you're both playing with me. But I will refuse to concede. I can play this game. And I'd be leaving 2 broken hearts on September. And I thought men trained in the military have hearts made of steel.

Jack: Steve, Rick: Sam. And Sam and I haven't even met. Poor guys being dissed by their so-called friends. Crappy little bikes? What's with Porches and middle-aged men? Midlife crisis.

money and more money! :)

2010-06-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

I never learned how to budget my money back in high school and college. I loved going out, and was always in shopping malls, restaurants and bars all the time.

Now, you'd be proud to know that I'm learning. I'm broke again, for the fourth month in a row. Not really broke, 'cause I'm not negative. I just don't have any cash left. I have enough to pay for the basic expenses until I get my salary on Wednesday.

I smile, and I hope that money will come my way today. Thank you Lord for keeping me alive just to hope.

I don't want to use my credit cards to get a cash advance. I don't think I have enough money to go to a bank anyway.

I don't know what to do. Money's always in my mind. And I really have to learn how to manage my finances. July and August should be fun. I paid all my fixed costs this month, and I just want to have fun.

Back in college, I always had this feeling of having tons of money in the bank. Just a false thought, but I never worried and kept on spending. And of course my bank account sufferred.

But now, i'm learning how to live on so little money. I hope it's healthier, and better for me. I tend to stay home a lot too, since I have no money to spend. But hey, now I just spend most of the time thinking and contemplating about life. I'm more peaceful, I can sense my emotions as I get more anxious and stiff, and try to relax. I'm learning to relax, let go, and forgive myself of the mistakes.

And it happens again and again - I regret spending too much during the early days. It never evens out.

Let me have fun next month. 'Cause I can't wait!

Let's pretend: I have a million dollars in my bank account!

I have a million dollars in cash right now! :)

rules and hormones

2010-06-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

i came here to get away from the "rules" i grew up with - corporate, social, financial rules or standards.

i thought - here, I wouldn't make any difference. That no one would care whether i know everything or i know nothing, whether I have something or nothing, that I'm tooooo young relative to something I don't know. I thought there would be no rules.

I was wrong. I just jumped into a society with a whole different set of rules - differet from the previous one, but still - rules, standards, stereotyping.

Maybe it's just me - maybe I can choose not to follow, not to react.

But still, it's the same case the world over - judgment based on economic, financial and social status.

So, what if I'm at the lowest level?

You still want me, do you? Want me, need me. Because darling, you can't find anyone else like me. The odd man (or woman) out.
--------------------------------------------------------------

is it just my hormones, or am i falling for you? oh no. if we can last more than a month, maybe.

--------------------------------------------------------------

why am i thinking more and more of you these days? We've known each other for only 3 months and it seemed forever. 2 more months to go. I'm just lonely, I guess.

Why do the guys don't bring their girlfriends along? Haha. But they like me, so they want me to come with them.

Some people aren't just worth it, so they won't bother bringing them along on a relaxing trip/vacation.

I love these guys.

july

2010-06-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

would love to love you.
but it just so happens that you're the only one i see.
july - i have to go out, have fun
this is totally depressing me
july - new haircut, waxing, nails done, shoes, dresses, parties
july is going to be a fun fun month :)

Entries from the past 2

2010-06-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

January 7, 2010
always looking for the perfect start for the perfect ending.
what an illusion.
he snapped me right out of it.
Just start somewhere,
he said.

February 28, 2010
wont you even speak to me?
darling i love you, you know that.
what's with cruise control?
don't you care for me?
will you ignore me until i come back?
can't you see im waiting for you?
you're still with her?
don't you love me at all?
i think you care

March 24, 2010
Next month, it will be different.
Darling, there's so much i want to tell you!
I really, really want to talk to you now.
I miss you.
And yet, will you not make it work?
I'm dreaming, when I’m back. will you still love me?
Do you love me now?

for no other reason, i just want to cry.
i am certainly not homesick.
not bored.
i have something to do. for at least 5 more months.
but why am i feeling so helpless? hopeless
Broke?
self inflicted pain.
just depressed. i think i need some chocolate.
i thought leaving, a change of scenery - would me make feel better. Yes I’m free. and worthless.

the lunch food i bought for 30000 dong left a horrible "death" taste in my mouth. i want something sweet, something heavenly.

some people move. some people stay. I’m a mover. make me stay, darling.

March 29, 2010
Stillness
Hi Toni, here's what I read from J. Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted about stillness. "Today, before I make decisions, I will try to listen for God's voice. Today, I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or anger - I will take those feelings as prompts from the Spirit to listen first. In each of these situations, I will ask God, 'How would you want me to respond?'. I will live in stillness."

April 4, 2010
Wedding!

I saw that Yahoo article about pet peeves during weddings, and now I'm imagining my own wedding! What would it feel like to get proposed to, and have a wedding! :)

I would love to have it in a beach or garden. I hope it's sunny and warm. People can dress comfortably (with the assistance of the hired stylists), get a light sunny makeup, and dressed up hair. It would be great if everyone can feel beautiful and happy at the same time. they feel easy, comfortable, and free. Punctuality would be a must. Mass, signing, then pictorials all throughout and a formal one at the end of the mass. Then, reception in the same area. Lots of good comfort food - familiar, healthy, delicious, good-quality. There would be cocktails before the mass, no food during the mass, then full-course after the mass. There would be appetizers, main course; desserts served buffet style with many tables so not much lines. There would be veggies, vegan food, pork, chicken, beef, everything! lots of fruits, chocolates, champagne, and beer. No one is allowed to get drunk. no cocktails, just champagne, soda, water, and light beer.

Everybody can stuff themselves full - easy dining with no fuss for the formal table manners and clothes. Then they can watch the video of the guests afterwards and there will be games for everyone - kids, teens, adults, oldies. Lots of dancing too! cake will be delicious and served during the dancing, with champagne. Ahh desserts. Everyone should dance. garter and bouquet as a game for the single adults.

So much love and comfort. If beach, then people can go swimming afterwards. Souvenirs will be sent through mail - photos and a little thingy. A hundred guests will be enough - just close family and friends.

Gosh, i want to attend a wedding like that. Afternoon to evening would be perfect. 3pm-4pm mass. at 5pm,reception will start at sunset.

April 26, 2010
Third week of April, 2010

I know I'm supposed to be here. Everything keeps pointing this way. All the arrows- all of them - even the maps and directions I've asked ages ago - are pointing this way.

But I still have no idea- aside from my personal development, what else is in here for me?

I guess this is the time to fix myself up. And there will be no escape or exit route for me this time. I have to fix myself and work on it. Really, really hard.

Part 2:

Darling,

How come you're not here with me? I've tried to put a face on you. But no - it escapes me. You're like a myriad of characteristics of all the men I've ever met and interested in.

I am not lonely. It's just that things aren’t working out as well as I thought it would be. And I want to move away - escape from everything. Stat all over again, and leave all the mess where it started. But I know, some way or another, all the messes I've left and escaped from - will come back to me in the most haunting way. And I'm afraid I can't face them all at the same time, and all by myself.

I just want you to know, that whoever you are, please come and help me. I just feel like crying and darn, I hate it. I've been stuck up in this room for days - sick physically and emotionally. And most are psychological anyway. I want some excuse to be excused from all the normal ordinary work that haunts me now. Darling, please come over and rescue me before I start getting angry. Everyone and everything is normal - with the usual ups and downs. But why do I feel this way? Maybe it's just that I haven't really mastered the art of dealing with the unfortunate situations.

I've been wanting to get into therapy - to talk to someone. What are the chances I'll be living with someone who got a degree in psychology? I'm meant to be here darling. All arrows are pointing this way. But I'm not ye sure wh/ But I'll do everything I can - fix myself, grow, develop into a more mature and charming person.

April 27, 2010
This week

Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.

I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?

I remember random things we talked about:

1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.

2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.

Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. What a pickup line.

April 27, 2010
YES

Yes, I know intercultural marriages are now very common. But people are still very judgmental about it.

I’ll tell you what. If you are just somewhat younger, probably my age – I’ll respond. But darling, you’re a nice person and I do recognize the signs:

1. You remember everything I said - the food!
2. You care
3. You want to see and talk to me all the time
4. You kept making all these excuses to see me and be with me. And oh, your classic pick up lines.
5. Chocolate? You wanted to kiss me. You need a girlfriend.
6. Breaking your diet? Hah. I know better.
7. You’ll do everything for me. You don’t want me to leave.

But I’ve got an amazing self-control, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, you couldn’t control yourself, right? Beers and rushing to your bedroom? You just left me in the kitchen? You’re not like that.

I’m a tease. And you’re my friend. And that’s all there is to it. I’m giving you hints – you’re older than my parents, my friends (guys), guys I want to date - no marriage, etc. You have to know, a lot of guys feel the same way as you do about me. That’s why they kept wanting me to settle down with them. I can make a connection with anyone I want to have one. See? They’re not coincidences. All these guys – they feel like I’m their soul mate or something. One I really particularly liked, and would have introduced him to my parents had he not suggested it in the first place.

But you – you’ve been through everything I wanted to do. Now your life is quite stable, you’re all settled now – ready to settle down and get married. But me? I want a fast-tracked life with all the fun and excitement. We are not meant to be together. We are just friends.

You think I’m holding back my feelings? I always maintain a certain space between us. Cause I know it would be a trigger for you. You’d feel something much more stronger if I touch you, see? That’s why I avoid even just touching you. But yesterday, i just had to call your attention. and we did. And it’s a mistake. At least last night, we realized how different we are.

I’m not that pretty for men to always fall at my feet. There are always several men that I also like but seem to have very strong feelings.

I’m so messed up right now. I don’t know how to face you tomorrow. We really need to talk.

As you have said, women have internal loser radars. And we have this attraction radar too. After a few days or weeks together, I can somehow “read” a guy’s mind and get in sync with his life. I’m quite flexible, if that’s the case. But they’ll never have me. Never.

Entries from the past 1

2010-06-17T06:41:00.001-07:00

July 5, 2009
The Secret

but isn’t being happy now sends signals to the universe that you like what you have now when in fact you want bigger grander things?
or should we pretend a lot?
Feel good. be happy then ask for what you really want.
be positive. be optimistic. believe everything will turn out fine. everything will turn out exactly how you wanted them to be.
Good friends, great family, my soul mate.
we transcend boundaries. God is energy.
but feeling good translates to doing good? - conscience is the check mechanism
people have different tastes, wants and feeling happy

July 17, 2009
I learned a new word (or phrase) last March 7, 2009 in Singapore.
"home-court advantage"

July 31, 2009
Complexities

With the popularity of personality development courses, people are becoming more aware of how to act and speak which will impart to the receiver what the message the speaker or doer wants conveyed.

But then, in the process, they are becoming more and more aware of the power- the power to manipulate people. Sincerity is left out- as people study how to read and show the nonverbal gestures/body language that will impress the receiver.

Somehow i wish that they would just speak and do what they really want, within the bounds of civility and etiquette. I think the moral foundation of the rights and wrongs- a person's ethics code, coupled with sensitivity and understanding- is enough to guide him on how to converse and relation with other people.

Pretense should be dead.

August 1, 2009
Darling

You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
undercurrents rise us above everyone else.

If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?

People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.

To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize how much I've lost

You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, with your help, show you
how much I care about you
Because darling, I don't know how.
---

But I will try to learn.
I will, even if I have to fail several times over.
And then I will be ready for you.

November 15, 2009
Dear Universe,

I really want my UPEACE scholarship and a nice job with good salary and work for the months in between.
I really want to travel this year - free, someplace different.
I love my family, please let them be nice, honest, and loving.
I am going home for Christmas, and take him with me.
Lord, Thank you for everything.

3 things

2010-06-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you for:
1. this job and opportunity to travel
2. for having a supportive family and friends
3. for the capabilities I have right now :)

fb clean up

2010-06-13T08:40:00.001-07:00

Had this sudden urge to clean up my FB with regard to my second life here. Paranoid? Instinct? I think I'm being watched, was or will be. In any case, i've been a little lazy lately. Should have been more aware of what other people will think of me. I need them, for now.

I wanted my wall to be "me" - with all the memories and emotions attached to the pictures, and in every single thing I say. But i send messages instead of wall posts. and delete wall posts in less than a week.

darn clean-up. I hate to let go, but it's just like breaking up and moving on. New lease (or leash?) on life. At least for once, the people I care about, have seen the real me even in glimpses.

HN House #2

2010-06-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Will be staying here for the next 5 months. I'm living with a Vietnamese family and another transient, a middle-aged American who travels a lot in a motorbike. :)

I love my new room - with aircon, tv & dvd player, desk & chair, cabinet, and ala-theatre curtains! :D
Bookshelf with his things and mine
My desk
Bags and a really nice cabinet! :)
My new room, previously Ms. Trang's brother's room. But he's studying in Shanghai now, so it's rented out. And there are some movies and music in DVDs and CDs left in the room. They're classics! :) Bach, Beatles, Cannes movies. :D
Nikita & Trang in Trang's room

Nikita's last night. She stayed here for a month, went to Sapa for 2 weeks, then a few days here, and she's leaving the next day for NZ, hoping to get a job in the mountains.
Trang's new mug! :)

Easter Sunday

2010-06-13T08:37:00.001-07:00

With my housemate, Jack -also a Catholic.
A free Easter egg from the church! :)

Tour with Jack

2010-06-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

With my housemate, an American who can speak Vietnamese.

He said I gotta stop being so que. Haha. que = from the countryside = probinsiyana! okay, I really am probinsiyana. but well, i think i passed the vodka mixing test. haha.

Funny, since he's touring me around and speaking Viet to the locals, while I'm the one Asian and who's often mistaken for a Viet! Haha. :D

Went to his favorite cafes - Viet, French, and other Western types. He always gets a beer from every place - restaurant, pub, bar, whatever you call them. Lunch at Kangaroo cafe (owned by an Aussie), cakes at Paris Deli (French chef?), then Sofitel Metropole (French architecture) for vodka during the happy hour.

People-watching - lots of tourists on the cyclos, and backpackers with their lonely planet books & 1-liter bottles of water. :D

old Viet restaurant - he said they used to serve good food. no longer. haha.
View from the resto
Jack again haha
Kangaroo cafe. there are quite a lot of fake ones. haha.
some other cafe i forgot the name. he got a beer.
lunch at Kangaroo.
arrabiata. no black olives?
NOTES AT THE TOILET! haha it's unisex so there are notes for boys (2) and girls (1), and for tourists (1). The owner must be really mad at his customers. Haha.
Very narrow house with a gallery at the first floor
Ice cream- funny, not smooth, but flavors are okay :)
drunk tourists- there were four of them. one with a hat, backpack, and a bottle of water. Another with a glass of bia hoi.
they were probably looking for something, but it seems like they were trying to pick a fight with the locals.
really drunk
vendors from the countryside (que)
market
Le Pub - french. he got another beer.
fake kangaroo cafe #1
fake kangaroo #2
Opera house and an accident
the accident as mentioned in the previous picture
Paris deli for the cakes
blueberry cheesecake for him
black forest for me
my seat
press club
Sofitel Metropole
at the hotel
vodka at the hotel

B52 Crash Site

2010-06-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really sick, and I had canceled all my classes that day. But it was such a nice sunny day after weeks of cold, wet weather, so Jack took me out for a ride late in the afternoon to see the B52 crash site. It was less than 10 minutes drive from our place. Thought it would do me some good to get some fresh air, as my room had this sick atmosphere already.

The US fighter plane (bomber) was fired down by the Vietnamese army way back in the 1970's. According to Jack, the army used women to target the planes as they are better shooters than men - and I agree. Haha. If given the chance, we really do shoot better - we're calm, and fire straight at the target. But women don't usually care for guns, anyway. :)

He got some ribs for snack. Excuse for some needed protein.

Ethonology Museum & Hoa Lo Prison

2010-06-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Ethnology Museum again, with Jack this time. He hasn't been there before. But he claims to have seen some of the featured tribes in his motorbike trips. Haha. I'm so excited for our motorbike trip next weekend!

Then we had lunch at a Chinese fast food near our house.

Hoa Lo Prison or Hanoi Hilton (sarcastic nickname given by the prisoners) in the afternoon. The Maison Centrale is just a small portion as most of the area had been converted to apartment buildings known as Hanoi Towers. Classy, hotel-like condominiums with a really nice supermarket inside. Jack said there are occupants who claim seeing ghosts. No wonder, with all the prisoners who died in the prison.

tomb
tomb of a tribe who's really crazy about fertility
Tall house. Lots of tourists since it's a holiday.
Hoa Lo Prison
Some prisoners escaped through a sewer
sewer escape
inside the prison
where they chop the head off
Hanoi towers right beside the museum
Inside the Hanoi towers - resto at 4th floor.
It's a really great family-friendly restaurant. It's big, and there are areas for everyone. They've got a big screen TV and another LCD projector screen showing some sports game where some foreigners were watching. Hanoi towers is mostly for expats, anyway.
He wanted some fresh spring rolls. I was eating my chocolate bar.

motorbikes

2010-06-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

I rented a Honda Wave for my next 3 months here for USD100! Basically, tires are my responsibility but all other repairs especially the engine are the owner's.

Well, I know it's scary but I can't go on riding buses and xe-oms/taxis until the end of my term here. I know I need to learn how to drive, and the first step is to get one. I've delayed it long enough. :)

Jack brought home his new Minsk bike last night, which he bought for USD200 last Wednesday. He sold his old Minsk for the same amount last Thursday - drove it up in OQ, and sold in 5 mins. Minsks are WWII-technology motorbikes made in Russia.

Honda Wave semi-automatic! I like small, light bikes; certainly not the big, butt-heavy, small-wheeled ones.

It doesn't have a big butt like the Vespas, in which the seat often serve like a car's trunk. But the owner got a raincoat for me under the seat! Yey! And yeah, it's missing one side mirror. Should put more air on the tires, and a mirror. But people often drive without one. :)

Btw, ang gwapo pala ng bike ko! Haha
Jack's old Minsk
Jack's new Minsk - taller suspension

moorbike trip

2010-06-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Left Friday morning, returned Tuesday afternoon

With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.

2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!

Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)

to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike! haha. yeah, everyone's staring at his bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!

At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!

Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.

Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha

Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.

Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)

stop nagging!

2010-06-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

June 10:
i am not playing the pretend wife today

June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.

1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.

So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.

2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.

June 9, 2010

2010-06-12T03:10:00.001-07:00

I don't fit your criteria of a friend or an interesting person, yet you "like me"? And you're inviting me to the motorbike trip on September that I am clearly not suitable at.

I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.

June 6, 2010

2010-06-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary (or Bloggy),

Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.

So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??

Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.

Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.

Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.

Nevermind

2010-06-12T02:30:00.000-07:00

Oh well, forget it. I'm not gonna edit it to please certain people. I'm gonna lose my individuality if I do. I want them to be personal to be shared with people I care about, and interested about. They will see the real me, and I hope they will accept me as I am.

cleaning up

2010-06-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm going to clean up my FB - make it less personal, less interesting, and more general. I was so focused on a certain group people. But now I have to face the possibility that other groups of people may be looking at my profile, and so I have to edit it to be more "decent" and "presentable", without them thinking anything offensive or suggestive about their own "groupmates".

Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)

over beer and whisky

2010-06-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

Highlights of the drinking session last night:

1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.

You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.