mine.

It is the sense of desperation that is really murdering my soul. Mine is a free spirit, but to lose the purpose to live is devastating to anyone.

God, please. I received a message yesterday informing me to take an exam today. I mistakenly thought of it as an interview, I didn’t read it properly. As I was already in a vehicle on the way to the supposed interview, I suddenly had the urge to check the message again. And clear as heaven, stated there was an exam which I already took two weeks ago.

I should be thankful, yes. I wasn’t far yet and was able to go back home after a few minutes. I know, I know, everything is under my control – my thoughts, my emotions. I should act based on my own free will, rather than be acted upon. That is why, later this afternoon I should take charge and ask what is mine.

Darling, as good as you are to me right now, may I ask for something more?

plans

Darling, what are your plans with me? Am I supposed to be just the friend to which you can confide your plans? Am I nothing else? Because i don't want to stay like this forever.

I was polite, civil with her because we've been introduced. But never again will I communicate with her unless totally, absolutely necessary.

By the way, that was a personal right, non-transferrable.

nothing

Hello darling,

We had dinner, and I'm the only one unemployed. I was talking with some guys, and I had forgotten they were so much more emotionally advanced than me. All I ever know are from the books and movies. Experience-wise, none. I barely observe people and seldom think about their thoughts. Very inconsiderate of me, i know. I'm still learning, I hope you understand.

I don't want to go home with nothing to show. They so believe in me, yet I can't meet their expectations.

I wish you're here. Just here with me.

:(

Did you ever have this feeling of depression and loss of hope? I feel so miserable lately. I'm not doing anything, that's why.

Please. I want that job. I hope I get it. Because darling, if this lasts for another week, I don't think I can still take it. I'll get anything, work for anything. Just give me something to do that will get me away from here.

Please.

3 things

3 things:

1. yesterday - you asked me to wait for you before I make any more plans, yes? But we won't make plans since they don't happen when we do. As long as you're here, surprises will be greater than any other plan. I'll wait. :)
2. today - it showed that you miss the batch. And you miss me too, right?
3. next year - can you bring me a musicbox, darling? Just like the one we used to play with at that store.

5 things

My daily The Secret advice said I should start thinking of everything I'm thankful for. Here goes the list:

1. Family- although very dysfunctional. I guess I'm lucky we are a pretty exciting bunch.
2. Education- One of the best ones. so you think I'm a geek? Yeah maybe, I read classics and watch old movies. But they are so much better than the ones we have now.
3. Opportunties- had enough during college. Met you.
4. Social Life- went out with more than a handful of guys back in highschool and college. Not so much of a geek right? Haha.
5. You! :) I learned so much from and with you. I want to change and improve myself, for you and because you believed I can do it. And you want me to improve not because it will reflect on you, but rather you want me to be confident of myself. Thanks darling.

Overall, I think i live a pretty decent life. :)
This takes my mind off my worries. I can't wait to see you! :)

conversations

Okay. So my mom thinks i need communication courses. I'm such a killer of conversations; they always end when I start saying something. I'm not a good conversationalist, hence the course. But she probably needs one in temperament and consideration for others. That goes for my dad too.

Darling, I'm sorry I was such a chatterbox yesterday. I should have let you do all the talking, but I just so wanted to discuss some of my concerns. Was insensitive.

It seemed like I was being unfaithful to you yesterday. I talked to him after you went to sleep. But I wanted to clear up everything and smoothen our relationship as part of the moving on process. I want a clean slate so I don't have another skeleton to hide in my closet. There wasn't any kilig factor, I swear. Haha. We are friends, we never ceased to be friends. Yes we did go out in the past, but no commitments. And now, after a long time, I realized it wouldn't have (and will not) worked anyway. So it took us 7 years to get to know each other and move through all the stages with mind-guessing and without commitments. Not a good move, and it caused a lot of anger and heartache on my part (don't know about him). But hey, now it's over and we are still friends. Finally over, this one-sided relationship of ours which takes either side from time to time, and never got together at the same time.

But for you, I'll wait. And take the risk.

hope

I have a lot of free time in my hands. So, what to do?

1. Looked up for short courses on Culinary Arts. There's an interesting one at Fort. Quite affordable too.
2. Reading books, got lots unfinished. Right now it's Covey's 7 habits.
3. Self study on Urban Planning Course #1 from MIT OCW. They're free, but the powerpoint presentations don't teach you much.

But darling, we're not really good at planning, are we? Might as well take a general direction and go with the flow, believing that the best will come to us no matter what. We'll take our chances with the opportunities that come our way. Doesn't mean we have to be passive all the time. I'm using all of my resources now to get a chance with all the options available. Where I will be accepted, then that's where God wants me to be. At least I tried my best in everything, and He will choose for me. There will be guidance.

Pray

It is so frustrating to wait. Wait for their calls, wait for the scheduled interviews...and wait for you.

I guess i'm prematurely experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I'm unemployed, single, not dating, and has nothing else to do. I can't be like this forever. But hey, can it be any worse than this? It would be fun to see Life try to give me something worse!

Oh Lord, help me. Is there something I have to learn from all these? Is this karma? Do I need to learn how to be patient? Or do I just have to be persistent and look for the Right One for me? I need some divine intervention. Please.

dear you

you obviously don't care. let me count the ways:

1. you don't reply to my emails. you never did.
2. you seem to forget everything you've promised me, and
3. you are still involved with someone else.

Is this an ultimatum? I guess so. I should be happy.

initiate!

I was rude, I didn't ask. I was thinking you'd reply anyway. You should know me that much. I don't like to ask some questions, because darling, I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I know you've read my email.

So, how are you?

3 things

3 things:

1. Finished all the tasks my Mom asked me to do. Hay!
2. Had an interview, learned how to commute from that company (different route).
3. 2 companies called up- forgot the first one that was supposed to send me the contract through email today. second one is a bank, scheduling me for an exam on friday.

Can i have a 4th? It's you. :)

lovely day

I'm confiding to you almost daily now. You can sense I haven't done much lately. Haha. Well anyway, I have an interview later this afternoon. It is a pretty nice company; i love their business model. I love what they do and why they do it. I hope they can offer me a good training program. What are your plans, by the way? :)

P.S. my previous entry probably showed the worst in me when it comes to relationships. I hope you're not disappointed with me.

thoughts

I want to talk about him (you-know-who). You have to understand, I have to start letting go.

We've known each other for nearly 7 years, just 1 month short. It may be because we're so used to each other that it's hard to let go. We're there for each other when no one else is. We function as "reserve" friends/dates when we need someone only when it's convenient to us, not out of obligation or commitment, or even just plain love.

When convenient, when favorable. We even go for months of no communication, and later on we'll just pick up where we left off. This kind of relationship is destructive, yet so addictive. Going for fleeting pleasures, not long-term happiness. We can't just discard those years we spent together, even now that I want to break the habit. Why did we let it continue for 7 years? I don't know. Maybe we just didn't care enough to risk knowing whether if it's going to work or not. We just let it be.

I know I don't want him, I just love the IDEA of someone being there for me anytime I want, and someone who wants me and needs me...well yeah, SOMETIMES.

We are not suited for each other - he bores me, and i think i have the same effect on him too. You may think I am dull and inactive, but he is worse. If you look at our resumes (credentials), I think mine is so much better. If you look at our day-to-day activities and our achievements (tasks done), you'll think I'm a superhero if you're putting his level for the average man. He tries to be interesting (to level up with me, I guess) but he ends up so pretentious and embarasses me even more. Yes, I feel ashamed for him. Haha. I hope I don't give you that feeling. Okay I admit, I probably did sometimes.

There are moments when you can read and predict what the other person is thinking. And oh, I really don't like it when it happens and I feel so disgusted with their thoughts. I don't know if my instincts is so off, but they always fall flat to the trap.

And when you can read what they're thinking (as long as you're focused on the people AND the situation you're all in), it's hard not be cranky and crabby and anything grouchy. It's hard for me to pretend to be nice and happy when I know what thoughts crosses their mind. Okay, I shouldn't think bad of others when they haven't even started saying anything bad yet. But the thoughts! You can see what they're thinking based on their actions! You'd probably think I'm crazy but I can read them before they themselves even realize why they're doing something.

'Cause darling, I can read him. I can't read you. (So Edward? Haha) You are more interesting, exciting, and you have so much more going on in your life than him. I can't be with someone who has less activities than me. It bores me and he'll feel insecure anyway.

Pure rant. Pure madness. Pure love.

3 realizations

don't know what to do today...update my planner i guess.

3 realizations:

1. that I shouldn't make plans and timelines, i end up getting so disappointed and frustated when things don't go according to plan. and then i'm unable to appreciate the sweet surprises that pass my way. so, no more plans! :D hell with "The Secret". It doesn't work for me in concrete terms. I only have to wish for the vaguest thing that I really really want, have faith, and then move on. No more with the HOWs and WHYs (i.e. planning and reasoning), just plain wishing.

2. have to be ready for you.

3. be happy! :D no matter what, even if i have no reason at all.

sweet, concise, and precise

what's in a word?

Hello darling,

As you may have seen in that social networking site, I was into some very awkward situations over the weekend. I probably need some help on "how to avoid and deal with embarassing situations". Haha. And you are so much better on this than me. You know that.

You've seen me (you were WITH me) during some of my weirdest, awkwardest*, most embarassing moments ever. And it's so comforting to know that you're still a friend.

Missing you. :)


*this word, if this really exists, looks really awkward. :D

results released

I received an email today. I wasn't prepared, I thought it was going to be released next week. I didn't get in. I was rejected..again.

But I guess when God closes the door, he opens a window. So cliche but that's all I have left to believe in. I can cry and mop but that's not going to solve anything, right? I wish you're here; you always know what to do.

I guess then, He doesn't want me to leave. If it's not for me, having given my best (except for the interview haha but overall, I think I did too well), then I'm willing to let go.

Guess I'll see you around?

3 things

3 things:
1. A company called :)
2. Went to Gilmore- had my mom's laptop fixed
3. Went to Greenhills - i love the bags! don't have a job yet, so no budget for that right now

so excited! :)

Can't wait to see you!
Are you going to bring me something? Haha.
Well it doesn't matter, I just want you to be here on that particular day.
But I could use a little surprise. :)

see you

I'd like to see you next week.
But if you really can't come, you can cancel your confirmation to the event.
Although I'm still hoping you'd be there. :)

dream job away.

I don't know what to do, darling. I didn't get the job that I really really want. After rejecting 3 companies and now that I have an idea on what I want, this is the only time I got rejected? Actually, I didn't really give my best into it. I was so depressed that day, like I'm going to take any offer, 'cause I was already tired looking for my "dream job". And I was thinking of actually cancelling the interview but just for the sake of honoring the commitment, I did. But I learned something, you know. That was when I realized what I want, and that I have to give my best in everything I do - no matter how secured or emotionally tired I am, 'cause that's when opportunity might present itself.

And I missed it!

There were two of us vying for that position. The other person is from the company itself and probably had a lot of work experience already. But I can't just blame it on that; I believe I could have done better in that interview at least to have a chance to get to the next round.

Enough about me (even though this is my blog haha). How are you? :)

patience.

if that's how you want it. if that's what you want...then fine..or was it because you just couldn't do anything about it?

but why didn't you tell me earlier? i'd like to be informed as soon as you make a decision instead of waiting for the last minute.

oh i'm really not good at waiting. but i can't make them come sooner, can i?

scholarship

They sent an email today, saying they'll release the results by the end of next week. Said it wouldn't be later than friday. So + 14 hours, I say I'll receive it by Saturday 6am.

Just in time. :)

yesterday's 3 things

3 things yesterday:
1. IBM exam - had to do something while waiting.
2. learned how to commute from Libis - i'm learning!
3. applied in other companies - through email.

---
I'm making a lot of mistakes. I realize I shouldn't have waited. I usually don't wait, but now that I'm trying to be patient....Oh well. At least November is going to end soon, I hope December will give me a fresh new start in everything!

Have to laugh inspite of all this darned mess. Thanks to God for keeping me alive. :)

Good morning! :)

ctrlA + Del

I'm thinking of deleting this blog. But then everytime I browse through my entries, it seems like I'd be deleting a part of me. They remind me of my feelings, of my thoughts on that particular day.

Oh whatever. When I need to move on, I will.

3 things

3 things:

1. Issued my very first check today! Haha I was so nervous writing the numbers and signing my name. It used to be just handling my parents' checks to be given to the payees, and learning the process in our law class.

2. Uploaded the pictures of this week's events.

3. I realized I am sooo over him. Whew! It feels great! :D

anticipating

will clean up soon. :)

comma

It's one of these moments that I really really wish you're here. You're missing a lot, but I'm glad you'll be there for the last one.

We're going to the waterpark. And of the most unfortunate moments, I have my period today. Haha Well it won't flow while I'm in the water, but I wouldn't want to risk anyone seeing a spot of red clot in my swimsuit right?

So much to tell you! See you! :)

Mrs. Anerton

read "The Muse's Tragedy" this morning.

intellectual comrade? a new concept yet so familiar. why am i playing all the roles of wharton's women?

i pride myself that he involves me in all his important decisions, out of habit and because we suit each other - not because he loves me. i hope i don't end up like Mrs. Anerton, who at middle-age realized everything she missed in her youth. It is because he didn't love me, it is because I never got what I wanted, that I wasn't able to move on.

--
I always felt with pride that the other girl passed on to you (as well as her previous one) after I was done with each of you. But I was the coward, wasn't I? She tried, she loved and received something in return. I, on the other hand, lived on illusions, on what-ifs, on vagueness. There
wasn't a start nor an end, sort of like a fleeting moment which you only depend on fate whether to move you forward or not. It's like a period of "let's see where it goes" and if nothing happens, then one can easily exit without any reproach from the other person; no guilt - you didn't promise anything.

Yes please, I'll give it a try with everything attached to it - the time, the attention and the commitment. I will not settle again for a fleeting moment, i'm willing to risk friendship. I will be brave enough to swim through deeper waters. I will emerge victorious or I will drown; either way I moved. I will no longer be playing in the shallow waters darling. An ultimatum (how many times have I said this before?) has to work for me; it must.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

This morning, I finished reading Wilde's Dorian Gray - about a corrupted person who was always seeking pleasure and not happiness. An innocent, sweet-faced young man who was poisoned by a book.

--And I realized, from reading Wharton and Wilde- aside from the usual standards, I want someone who leads a more exciting, more interesting life than me. So I guess I like men who are a bit egoistic - who won't tolerate liking, loving, and living with a person who is more interesting (or less dull) than they are. I want someone who's got an ambition, a passion for life. Not fleeting passions for pleasure, but a life-long passion for happiness, that will keep us from becoming dull and conventional. I want someone who will live life with me - we will travel the world together, overcome obstacles, and love each other more every single day. It is such a romanticized view of the future, but I will persist.

So, Am I Dorian Gray? Lord Henry? or Basil?

Dorian Gray

They just don't feel right, you know.
As if they're just part of the learning process I have to go through..
And not my destination.
Well, that's life anyway-
A journey, and not something you'll arrive at.

3 things that made me happy today:
1. I finished reformatting and reinstalling my sister's laptop. Took me one whole day!
2. I'm reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's amusing and tragic at the same time. Lots of new philosophies, ways of looking at life. Giving me a new perspective on dealing with things. Lots of realizations. Dorian Gray - new subject matter after ethan frome haha
3. Happy times at home. No worries except for a few petty ones.

Why are people so confusing? Maybe I should learn not to overthink, over-analyse or try to be sensitive of other people's feelings. I don't get them right, and it's just not me. You're better at this, you know. :)

applications

Have pending applications in at least 4 companies. Wouldn't hurt to try.

Oh by the way, sir offered to send my resume to SCB's HR. Apparently, the HR manager is a friend of his. He sent it yesterday. I told him you may be interested but that I won't bother you while you're on vacation. We''ll talk about it when you arrive, yes?

I'll try to be more offline these coming days. Starting tomorrow - will check mail only twice a day. Will try to get out more. Haha. Been fixing my sister's laptop since yesterday. Was so bored waiting for all the installing and downloading that I had to be online most of the time to prevent sleeping.

November 4 - turned down 2 companies; last day for sending online applications
Nov 5 onwards - wait for pending applications :)
Dec 5 - decide :) :) :)

waiting

I miss you darling. I hope you're having fun wherever you are. No use being miserable in circumstances we can't control.

I have lots to tell you!

First, I cancelled my application to the two companies I've applied. I have decided to wait for the results of my scholarship application. Now we're back to the original plan. I've been so bored with no deadlines to meet or exams to study for, that I've wanted to hurry things up. Wanted to fast forward everything. Now I think I should learn to be patient, and wait. But I have an interview in another company on the 19th. I want a company who can take me for just four months (Dec-Mar).

Second, the other scholarship I've been eyeing is no longer open. So I guess I really have to wait for you to decide.

Third, I have a party this weekend. I'll send you an invitation later even though I know you can't come. :)

I can't make them come sooner. Haha. I'll wait for you.

process of learning

i'm learning-
that there's a lot more in this world,
there's so much more i can do,
so many oppotunities,
that i only have to be aware of them.

and i'm learning not to be insecure,
when i see people who are-
prettier, smarter, wealthier, more educated
-better than me in certain aspects
or maybe all.
i'm learning to learn from them,
and make myself a better person. :)

I learned to:
1. be aware of my insecurities
2. face them rather than turning away or ignoring the causes
3. assess the differences, and try to apply them in my life.

sure, theoretically i know them already. but to actually do it? Haha.
I'm having a hard time but i'm determined.
I know I'll learn. and i'll be so much happier then.

fb

with that networking site,
i'm hooked (but not so much as the others),
torn, and it's giving me more than my occassional bouts of insecurities.
i always feel like i'm such a boring person,
compared to those who post a lot.

do you ever feel that way, darling?
I'm happy with my life now (will be happier with you though haha),
trying to make the best out of everything and anything that comes my way.
Then I log on, hoping to be updated of my friends,
but then I end up feeling so miserable.

Ah, the false beauty of pretentiousness.

out of sync

So much for timing, darling. Haha
I'm awful terrible at that;
although sometimes I can sync myself with another person.
I just need some time to adjust. :)

3 things on a sunday

3 things:

1. budgeting:
downloaded some free budgeting programs and decided on which one to use. Planned out my budgeting strategy which will be implemented this november. It's going to be a clean fresh start; still waiting for some of my accounts to be debited/credited. zero out by november. learning something! :)

2. sonnets:
Shakespeare's first 3 sonnets are so into procreation. It's like he's saying the only purpose women are here is to aid in reproduction. amusing :)

3. relaxing: :)
i watched transformers 2; will watch gi joe tonight. clearing up my mind these days before i go home. i'm so excited to go home, not really to be "at home" but rather i just want to do something different or i think i just need a change of scenery.

-didn't go to church. lots of people there and it's going to give me a headache, plus it was so hot outside. will attend a mass tomorrow after PRC/PICPA registration. And oh, i sent my resume to ING last friday. Think maybe they'd call this week? :)

Reading

Oh btw, I'm reading Shakespeare's sonnets everyday. One sonnet a day. Haha
I think I have to start on the Bible too.

Budgeting

I think I need to learn how to budget my money.
Because if I continue delaying it, later on there will be none to budget.
Quite a hard thing to do.
I have to face my fears-
zero out my credit card,
account for my transacations using my debit cards,
And compute my net worth.

It has to be on a regular basis.
But i hate checking my accounts,
and seeing the dismal amounts.

But I have to face it right?
All my college life, my accounts were in a complete mess.
And now that I'm finally done with college,
I have to learn this thing,
I've been putting off for years.

Today is my BUDGETING day.

interviews

Hello, how was your flight?

Btw, I sent my resume to FH the other day and I had my interview yesterday.
It was okay, average. Will have to do a case next week.

However, this morning at 6am (still sleeping and my maid woke me up),
I had my interview for the scholarship.
I was supposed to wake up at 6 and study for that which was scheduled at 8am.
So I wasn't able to study. Haha.
Results will be released on November 27th.

:)

yes we did

Commensurate to our efforts, eh?
Didn't get a place but so what? Haha
I'm so happy for us darling.
We made it! :)

Oh by the way, the society offers at most 10 scholarships for any fiscal year.
Think maybe we could each get one for next year?

in 7 hours

Are we going to make it, darling?
I'm so excited to see the results!

And oh, I miss you already. :)

faith and hope

We're going to pass this exam, right?
I want to get at least the 3rd place. Haha
It's a long shot from my preboard exams but who cares?
It doesn't matter-
As long as my mind's clear when I take the exam
As long as I can remember everything I've studied
As long as I'm happy
Then I can answer everything
Perfectly, completely well.

What's your place, darling?
If we're gonna dream, then we should dream of the highest most wondrous things.
Nothing wrong with wishing to be included in the top 10, yes?
or hey, what about the first place? :D

Have faith.

3 things

1. A bit late but still, I only missed 3 items on the handout! Hehe :)
2. I think I learned a lot in school today. Brushed up on my law lessons.
3. I learned I can erase negative thoughts just by thinking of positive ones. yey! such a relief! :D

charity

I've read this somewhere before, that it's easier to help nameless faceless people than those you are much closer to, like friends and kin.

And I agree, it's true. You help one-time, no commitments, no follow-ups, and you feel happy because you've helped someone and you're wishing it made a difference in their lives. But the long-term kind of helping your relatives and friends? It's more difficult because you get involved with the main problems and you see how they make use of the help you gave.

pop culture

The problem with pop culture is not so much on the mainstream ideas themselves, but rather on the feeling of 'knowing everything' that it gives you. It may seem to you that what you see is all there is to it, when in fact there are a lot more ways to look at a particular idea. It causes a person to become so narrow-minded that it reduces him to be like what society dictates him to be - nothing more, and just like everybody else.

But then, I despise the people who so desire to be unique (or at least they want people to think of them that way) that they have to scream and show the rest that their tastes and preferences are different and supposedly superior than the masses'.

application

No matter how stupid it may seem,
at least it's giving me something to live for,
something to wake up for,
something to look forward to.
'Cause darling, now I know how it feels
Not to want to wake up at all.

3 things

Monday

1. Early at class today! Well not really, just arrived before the teacher did so I didn't miss any lessons. Hehe.

2. Sent my UPeace application package! I'm hoping I'll get the scholarship! :) Results by late November.

3. Watched The Nanny. I love that show! :D

say

Tell me you still adore me.
Tell me you still love me.
Tell me you don't want to change me.
'Cause I'm willing to take the risk
But not if that is how it's going to be.

3 things

1. Had a break from my studies. Loved the smell inside the mall; oh i miss it so.
2. Just talking with lyn and seeing my batchmates, it was nice.
3. Some people are in a worse situation than me.

Now I know everything should be and will be okay.

no worries at all

I wish you're here with me.
Because I feel more secure, and I don't know why.
It seems like everything's going to be just fine when I'm with you.
I know it's not a reason to be careless or negligent, but I don't worry at all when you're around.
And now that it's super stressful with all the backlogs and cramming,
I just need to know that you're there for me-
That we're going through this together,
and tell me that everything will be just fine.

yesterday

You were irritable yesterday.
You don't want to talk to me, and you don't want to see me.
Are you just stressed or is it genuine dislike?

:)

and they say patience is a virtue

Mr. X

So what about Mr. X?

You probably know this already - our relationship was over years ago; it just took me a really long time to move on. Now I keep on thinking how much better you are for me, or you just really are a much better person anyway.

When Mr. X and I were together, we were so immature and competitive (a sign of immaturity) on who's smarter, more experienced, and who lives a more exciting life. With you, I don't have to pretend or assert superiority. Well, I rarely pretend but then I have to keep up just to show him I'm at par with him. It was stressful, and although we did try to make it work - it wouldn't. We were in pari delicto, and there was lack of enthusiasm (or passion) on either side to make room for the other. We were simply too young, too inexperienced. But I don't regret it, and neither does he (i hope so), because we learned. It's a process we had to undergo, and even though we found we were simply not for each other- the time we spent together and tried to care for the other - taught us something that we will carry on in our future relationships, and wishing that someday when the right one comes, we're ready.

So the years spent aren't exactly a waste of time, effort, and everything else that goes into a relationship. Because in that process I learned to look for and discover new things; I learned to be more patient (than i was before; still working on it); I started developing my own personality and character and sticking to it no matter what other people say; and in the end, I learned how to understand and adjust to the personality & temperaments of another person.

In the process of being more exciting than him (competitiveness kicking in), I had to look for ways to enliven my life. On a shallow note, I learned about computers and cars from him. :) I need to learn those things to be able to converse with him. So see? Not really a waste of time. And I'd like to think he learned some new things from me too.

I'm thinking that if I know a lot of things that interests a wide variety of people and it makes me able to converse with them, maybe in that way, I'll meet the right one for me.

-----

Now I wish you'd think of lunch or something. I'd love to see you tomorrow. :)

listen

"My life would suck without you"
Love that Kelly Clarkson song

tarot

I went to Galleria yesterday and I got a coupon offering a free 5-min tarot card reading. Haha yeah, i wouldn't let a free thing pass yes? So I went to the 4th floor and looked for the stall. It was a pretty small one with two cubicles. I waited for a minute for the reader to show up and he led me to one of the curtain-covered rooms. Cut the deck of cards into 3 using my left hand, then spread over, concentrated for a minute (breathing slowly) with hands over the cards, then was asked to get 3 cards using my left hand again. He told me just two things though: issues with work/career and relationships. Then he asked me to get another card and said the last one showed I'd be stable if i can resolve the two issues he stated before. 4th card was The Empress i think. I managed to see the "E". Haha.

Think it lasted for just 2 minutes. But anyway, although nothing specific was stated, those things have been on my mind lately. Anyone would think those two are applicable to anyone but at least they didn't end up in financial and health issues. God help me.

As for my work/career, I'm not working yet so I don't know how it applies. Well maybe that's it - the fact that I don't have a definite plan yet and there are concerns with my current plan. As for relationships, zero lovelife would count as an issue? He asked if there's someone, and then I was so embarassed to admit that there's no one but I just said he's just not committed to me. Because you want marriage, he said. Longterm yes, because I don't like it to end just like any other relationship. Fact is, even though it hasn't started yet, I don't want it to end.

Now I'm wondering if my career plan and relationship issues are intertwined. Is there a way where I can fix both? A solution that will go well for the two? As of now, my plan is to apply for the scholarship abroad- that's either a yes or a no. So if I leave, am i going to meet someone there? Unlikely though.

Or should I stay?

Now assuming I have a high probability of getting the scholarship, would you like me to continue my application?

Garfield

i love Garfield these days
been reading the vault for the past months, going back more than a decade back
it's funny how he thinks,
and how he views life
maybe out of boredom i'm doing this
maybe out of loneliness i'm doing this
but darling, are you happy?

why?

i can't understand why you're there and i'm stuck here
you always make me feel better you know
now i feel so tired and stressed
and i wish you're here with me
i'm hoping you feel the same way too

Practicing for TOEFL :)

Topic: More important for students to study history and literature than science and math.

History and literature are often intertwined in reference to past events and philosophies. Although they are very important in understanding our current situation, they can be detrimental in such a way that a person perceives no other solution or philosophy to improve the status quo. Although both are helpful such that they can advise people in avoiding repeating the mistakes of the past, them alone cannot help Mankind to move forward.

On the other hand, Science and Mathematics are quite abstract and forward-looking fields; interrelated in a way that Math is a subordinate of Science. Math is given a purpose by Science; it provides for the calculations needed in a scientific experiment to prove and disprove theories.

To be buried in history and literature will make a man make discoveries of the past, a new revelation perhaps. But it is a very backward-looking life, forever looking behind and appreciating all that is past and not the present nor the future.

The present is our time; we have to make something out of it and not by just looking on the glories of our ancestors. We do appreciate them and we learn from them, and those learnings are the ground, the rock- from which base we start to move forward.

It is my opinion therefore, that they are all equally important and that students should be able to have a fair understanding on each of the four subjects. To have a common ground on all these will make students more considerate of the other aspects as well as a broader view on life. Their perspectives or responses on a particular issue will then include the point of view from the other fields. The exposure to the different fields will lead the students to realize what they really want. It is then on higher education that students can have the option on what they want to specialize in.

a play

i watched a show a few hours ago and i had fun observing the contestants.
from a point of view of a detached audience- as audiences are anyway.
---
iv seen that scenario so many times -unfolding in front of me
played out so many times in the past months.


it seemed like there was something going on between them, a past romance i guess
they tried to act civilly
the girl wanted so much to impress everybody
that by giving the correct answers she will be able to impress him
and show everybody she's worth something-at least more than they think of her now
she tries to act happy, hyper even
but amidst the ever smiling face, there is the feeling that somehow
he will admire her and probably love her again
that maybe if she was able to answer everything he asked of her
he'll admire her, he'll think more of her
and realize how much he lost.
she was eager to impress him to see how much she was really worth to him.
but then he was cool
pretty pretty cool
and he was focused on his objectives-
play cool,and play well.

at the end of the game, the girl lost.
she gave the wrong answers on the few times he asked for help
he called on her just to show everybody he acted civilly and that he was a sport
even when she was there by his side, he acted as if she wasnt
he showed her he doesnt-didnt need her, and he can well answer for his own
they were both trying to make a point-
that each was superior to another,that the other should be the one begging
one was hurt
one was appeasing
both were proud
and the girl lost.

but love, romance- at least sometime in the past
was remembered again.
they werent over it
whatever it is that drifted them apart- or drew them close in the first place.

Trust Issues

You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
uncurrents rise us above everyone else.

If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?

People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.

To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize
how much I've lost.

You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, without your help, show you
how much I care about you.
Because darling,
I don't know how.

pretend darling

i am a little desperate..a bit desperate to move on, move out and leave this place.

i cannot, with all the patience and tolerance that i have, stay in one place for too long. nor be with the same people for a long time. it tires me, bores me, and makes me sick and irritated with everything and everybody. i need a change of scenery every now and then, to reflect and to forget. i never had a best friend perhaps because of this. i see people in the best way i can. i approach people with the best intentions. i easily make friends, draw them closer than what others can do. and then there is the wall. i do not easily reveal secrets, and i prefer concealment than lying. i am a terrible liar; the best i can do is put on a poker face and be silent. and my friends will reach the limit, and i cannot draw them closer anymore, nor do i want to.

i feel so...neglected lately. was it my fault then, that i was so secretive and do not participate much in conversations? maybe it's true, that indeed i am a loner. im okay being alone, unlike some people who need companions most of the time.

up to last year, i always thought i can get along with any person, at least from the start. up to last year, i thought i have enough patience to tolerate the need to stay with any person for some time. turned out i was wrong big time. as months went by, i realized i was alone in my little world. i have always been a spectator rather than a particpant in anything. people i love to watch. but to interact is a diferent matter. most of the time they come naturally though.

what i have been saying might be contradicting. i do get along well with people especially those i talk to the first time, but these are those whom i met several times before. but any closer and any newer will probably make me nervous and edgy.

they never do seem to understad me. their way of thinking is different from mine. and though they are accurate most of the time, the narrow mindedness and limitations of the way they think annoys me.

my communication skills are not good, not as good as them. i cannot make them comprehend my ideas, thoughts. they think im stupid so most of the time i just leave them alone until they were able to realize or think on their own what i have been saying or what was obvious for a long time.

they probably do not intend to bully or annoy me, but their teasing on certain matters really gets me. sometimes i pretend i do not hear or see them. i pretend that i did not understand them, just to prevent any more damage on my part.

it tires me so to be in this state. and it depresses me more. i wish i could go out. transfer and move away, before i break somebody else's neck.

inspired by kule

January 28, 2008 (Monday)

Philippine Collegian (Kule)
No. 21
25 Enero 08

Editorial: Hollow Glory

“For being celebratory is a double-edged disposition. It can either be a worthy occasion for assessment, or a mere opportunity for extravagance.”

I was actually tempted to write in double-edged sword.

Reading them made me think of the fiestas we celebrate in our provinces, with all the bonggang handaan. Though now they are kinda mellowing a little; not so much as I remembered years ago. Maybe people are becoming more sensible with their money. Sometimes I can’t avoid thinking they are all a façade, a pretense, a false image we want other people to see us. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going to fiestas – meeting people, the food, and the merrymaking. Just that watching these poor people who barely have enough to build a cemented house in an island always ravaged by typhoons, are offering their visitors so much food that could have last them for weeks. It makes me guilty to even eat their food.

I appreciate it that they do that. And I know they don’t want to be pitied. But then I can’t help it; thinking how they could be better off not wasting so much money on the handaan.

grinch

"...and the Grinch, with his Grinch-like feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
It came without ribbons.
It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before:
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas perhaps, means a little bit more.." - Dr. Seuss

-Forwarded text message from Sani. December 24, 2007 7:15:56pm

Forwarded text message

Forwarded text message:

When you're stuck loving someone, no matter how hard you try to forget that person, it's just not enough. Sometimes all we can do is STAY AWAY. And it does help a bit, but just for a while. 'Cause when that person shows you even the SMALLEST GESTURE OF AFFECTION, all your efforts of moving on go down the drain. And you're left alone gaian with nothing to say but..."Damn, I just fell for that again."

-Thanks Arcadio for sending this. It's exactly the way I feel about him (my uber longtime crush). I can't help it, and I really do try. Sometimes there are infatuations in between. I like another person but after some time it wears off, and I go back to dreaming of you again. They don't usually last long, those in-betweens. It's gone before they even realize it. And i can't figure out what to do to forget you and move on, MOVE ON. Years my gosh, and I think I've wasted a lot of my time for you, achieving nothing in return.

A Great Christmas: "Deal or No Deal"

For three years now, our family has been celebrating our Christmases with a competition. On the eve of the 24th of December, all of my relatives who are at the province gather at my grandmother’s house to celebrate Christmas. Since all of us in the province live in just one baranggay, it was easy to communicate with everybody.

The competition started on December 2004. To make the party more exciting, my grandmother decided that every family should present a little something – a show without any limit. It can be a dance or a song number, a play, or any other we could think of. There was only one rule: that all members of the family should participate in whatever they are going to present. An aunt from Germany sponsored the competition; that means she’s going to give the prizes. First prize was P 5000 for the winning family, and there were consolation prizes for the rest.

Now it so happened that my mom was so driven to win that competition. It’s not as if we really need the money. Maybe she was just in it for the excitement of a competition. So she secretly came up with an idea of how we’re going to present. Since we were all Disney babies (we were raised watching Disney movies!), and there are five girls in our family (me and my four sisters) plus our mom, that’s six, she decided that we’ll do a Disney show. She assigned a character for each one of us- Mulan, Little Mermaid, Jasmine, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella (me!), Beauty and the Beast (my mom & dad). We prepared the costumes, the music, and choreographed the whole show. Some were made to sing, some danced, and some did both.

The night of the competition, which is Christmas Eve, we were ready and confident to win. We were chosen to present first, and the others were so surprised and amused. They didn’t think that we prepared that much, and I must admit, my mom’s idea was pretty good. After our presentation, they felt that they have no chances of winning since they didn’t prepare much. They didn’t think anybody would give much thought about it. The parents or adults weren’t that concerned, but the kids, my cousins, sulked. They were telling their parents to practice but their parents were either too busy or just didn’t give much thought about it. Now they were regretting that they weren’t able to come up with a better presentation.

Since it seemed we’re the only ones who prepared, my grandmother decided to call off the competition. It was unfair; and my dad couldn’t help expressing his opinions. The thing is, it was an announced competition- fair and square. The rules were clear and there was no question or objection to any matter regarding the competition. It was probably my grandmother’s pity (awa) to the other families. They don’t even need that P5000. It’s just a bit of an incentive. Instead, she decided to give us a vaseful of chocolate coins – imported I guess, with the glass vase more valuable than those inside it, but much less than the supposed prize. But what concerns me most is the bad example she set for the little children – bending the rules without any justifiable reason. I don’t know if a relative asked her to call off the competition. But most knew that it was unfair, and it really felt awkward and stupid. After that, we just decided to forget the whole thing and enjoy the rest of the party.

December 2005: Now everybody’s preparing for their presentations. We decided to present (again, my mom’s idea) a magic show! My dad’s going to be the magician, and we’re supposed to be the dancers and the assistants. My mom hired someone to do our costumes and then we practiced our dance steps and blockings. My dad decided to go for a look like an Indian or a genie with a chaleco and a turban. We also have to prepare appropriate music for the show.

Haha! It was a blast! They didn’t anticipate it. Although my dad (who practiced the tricks just earlier that day) failed on a trick, he managed to get the audience roaring with laughter and entertainment. Though it was a little messy presentation, the idea was unique as compared to the others and audience participation and impact was greater than anybody else’s.

We won. We’re happy. My bachelor uncle sponsored for the prizes. Though they decided to reduce the first prize and increase the lower prizes, after of course, our presentation. It’s Christmas, I don’t want to say another bad word.

December 2006: My mom has an idea again. It seems like she’s always prepared for this. She wants a “Deal or No Deal” show. There are six girls total – my youngest sister was to play Kris Aquino, and the rest of us were to be the 26 K. My dad’s the banker. He was so excited he devised his radio set and headsets for “Kris”. My mom then again thought that we should be dressed in those sexy outfits the girls in “Deal or No Deal” wore. So she decided to hire someone again (same one who made our costumes last year) to make our green spaghetti tank top dresses. Since there are only 5 of us as the 26K, we have two “briefcases” each so that there are 10 amounts to choose from. My dad asked one of his construction workers to make the stands and my sister and I made the envelopes with the amounts written on them (the briefcases). Then there’s the music I have to download with the opening music, banker’s music and tension music (it’s the one you hear when a contestant is thinking of what briefcase to open, and when to press the button or not). It was fun preparing and dancing since we had to practice the dance steps the 26K girls do at the start of the show. Ours was all manual- there was a big illustration board for the amounts, and one of us has to strike out the amount which was opened. The audience was happy! They enjoyed the show and they were very much entertained. We gave a real prize by the way; the highest was P 2000 I think, with the lowest as P 1. The contestant got P 800.

The other presented a nativity play and several dance shows. Guess who won? One of the families who danced a folk dance crossed with modern steps and music, or vice-versa. All of us were pretty surprised. Even the winning family was so surprised. They were so sure they would lose after seeing all the presentations. I think they should be third, with the nativity coming in second, and ours as first. I forgot who the judges were, but I’m sure my grandmother’s one of them.

Of course some of the adults couldn’t help expressing themselves – some were in favor of us; some would rather keep silent for fear of angering the other parties.

That’s one year ago, and this year I think my mom doesn’t want to enter into a “competition” which isn’t really a fair one. There are criteria for judging given at the start; so even the kids know who’s going to win after watching the presentations.

My mom’s reply after we asked her what we’re going to present: “Ah, magdDEAL or NO DEAL pa rin tayo every year hanggang magsawa sila.”

-modified some: Jasmine (Snow White) and P2000 (P1000). I really coudn't remember the exact details when I wrote this for the Inquirer. My mom reminded after she read the issue. hehe. Had to give credit for Inquirer staff for making up the title. I also forgot to make one. :P

and yes, for you again

and you told another teacher that i'm salbahe?

yes, i'd like to think that it was you who told him. i couldn't bear to think that other teachers would tell that to him.

and you're always saying makulit ako. pinakamakulit sa klase. ah so u'd prefer that everybody in the class will text you rather than ako lang?

i'm sorry if i've been makulit. nalaman mo din sana kung gaano din sila kakulit.

i wish you luck. i wish you well.

to my teacher

it was already good, you know. even if i wasn't talking to you that much, you could have realized that it was already going fine.

or were we pretending to be tipsy or worse, drunk?

were you?

you asked kung sino sasama pabalik. were you directing that question to me? i felt like it was. and it seemed like ako lang naman pwede.

i was angry at you when you told everybody in the car (addressing no one in particular) that i wasn't your favorite in class. and you told them your favorite was the one who got high grades, and that i got low grades.

we weren't even discussing any topic connected with that matter. You just said it. And i was surprised more than angry. and i think the rest was surprised too. nobody reacted, if you noticed.

why were you being so defensive?

i wasn't asking to be your favorite student. i didn't care if i'm NOT a favorite student. but why do you have to tell everybody there? why do you have to remind me and tell everybody that i got low grades in your class? as if they care.

as if i care.

if that person is your fave student (one who's always getting the high grades), makakarating sa kanya, sabihin mo lang.

i was angry afterwards. after i overcame the shock. when i got home and realized what you said.

and i'm still confused.

past

it's all so confusing,

and my heart's breaking.

you could get on with your life without me.

and here i am,

trying my darndest to forget you.

and to forget you, it would be heaven...

or hell.

infatuation

It's hard to run from a feeling that haunts you every now and then. It's painful to tell your heart that you don't need it. You keep on pretending you are better off alone; when in fact you feel so empty. But why take chances if you see no hope? Why try if there's nothing to win for? Sometimes it pays to wait. Never hurry. Let infatuation die a natural death, and give birth to true love when it's time.
-forwarded text message

a prayer

i left a letter.

i gave in for my last indulgence.

i have to forget.

because now i realized that i

want nothing to do with you.

fooled myself with such illusions.

ahh. Lord. forgive me for my sins.

i have wasted time for an unworthy cause.

But now i know better.

Please guide me throughout the way.

Enlighten me always.

Thank you.

exams

results of wed exam: i passed 50% of my 116 4th LE. gosh, how i wish i'll pass the other 50%. though i fnished it, i knew i made a lot of mistakes there. sure ones! haha.

13th in class for the 50%; last one on the list with names on it. so happy!

had 105 final exam today. so totally unexpected. a different type of exam which caught me offguard. damn. wish i'll get at least a 2.0 on it.

went to SM with kat after exam. bought 2 phones for my 2 sisters - low cost nokia fones with bluetooth, cam, music. think they'll love it anyway. they get better phones than i do.=)

darn promises

i won't won't dare make any promises again.
they really are meant to be broken, especially if they pertain to you.

darn i'm so packed with activities and projects these days.
i really should focus on them.

sweet november

and yes, i still like you.

and i miss you.

and i want to be happy, happy, happy.

coz darling there's no sense being miserable.

oh sweet november.

the romance, the pleasure

i'm missing.

CARNIVALE!

CARNIVALE!

Magic, Acrobats, Streetdance!

Warehouse 135, Yakal St., Makati

September 7, 2007 8-11pm

Party with DJs afterwards!

Tickets @ 250php.Contact: Nikki. 09177374309.

CARNIVALE

an exhibition party that will leaveyou breathless
Marvel at unbelievable magicperformances

Mesmerize at amazing acrobatic stunts

Move to the beat of the latest grooves

WANA JOIN THE STREETDANCE COMPETITION?

10K worth of cash & prizes for the first placer!

Contact me for details!

CARNIVALE! magic, acrobats, streetdance, DJs!

CARNIVALE!

Magic, Acrobats, Streetdance!

Warehouse 135, Yakal St., Makati

September 7, 2007 8-11pm

Party with DJs afterwards!

Tickets @ 250php.Contact: Nikki. 09177374309.

CARNIVALE

an exhibition party that will leaveyou breathless
Marvel at unbelievable magicperformances

Mesmerize at amazing acrobatic stunts

Move to the beat of the latest grooves

WANA JOIN THE STREETDANCE COMPETITION?

10K worth of cash & prizes for the first placer!

Contact me for details!

a story of a little girl

There were two children who met at the church- a little boy and a little girl. They started playing around and was running after each other.

At one instance, probably the last game they had, the little girl was the one running after the boy. She's probably it. And then, the little boy went back to his parents and was busy with another activity again, forgetting about the game and the little girl.

The girl kept waiting. When she realized that her playmate wouldn't join her again, she just smiled sheepishly, somewhat embarrassed that she had been waiting for nothing. Then she went back to her parents, probably wishing nobody saw what happened.

My relationship with you darling, has been like that. Thing is, seems like i've always been it. Looks like it's not a fair game. But it was my fault, wasn't it? You expressed your resignment. I should have accepted it. I should have stopped...waiting.

Progress

was it a year ago? a few days before your brthday that i said goodbye?

it's nearly a year past..and i'm still stuck with the goodbyes.

it's been a year yes. and i haven't kept my word. i tried darling. i did.

yesterday i made a bet with my sister, just so that now i have to keep my promise. i should have nothing to do with you starting that day- yesterday, july 22, 2007, a sunday.

i made an improvement darling! you should be proud of me. i managed to delete your number and your folder of messages in my mobile phone. so now you're off in my phone. Next will be the YM messages, which will really take some time since darling, your folder in my message archive contains a year-worth of messages. i have to take care of it some other time. but i deleted you off my YM list already.

just so you would understand (not that you care anyway), I'm not doing this to spite you. I'm doing this for me and for both of us. You don't like me bothering you all the time. So i have to do something. I deleted you off my phone and my YM list so that I won't see your name on them, and so I will not be tempted to bother you.

and you're not online (or just invisble) these days anyway. hiding from me? no need darling. cause i'll resist every urge to contact you - with the bet and my resolution, I intend to keep my word.

promises are said to be meant to be broken. i did it a lot of times. now God, please help me keep my promise. I'm hurting now but it's better than to prolong the agony, the illusion.

Forwarded Messages:

12/30/2006 2:34:46pm: Arcadio

Math tells us the three saddest love stories:

The tangents who met once but parted forever.
The parallel lines who never really met, and never will.
And the asymptotes who are getting closer and closer but were not meant together.

1/17/2007 9:51:41pm: Jane

Kung meron ang math, meron din ang physics.

Physics demonstrates the three biggest ironies of love:

1. There are those with forces of attraction so great, but will never be together because a stronger force separates them.
2. There are those in uniform circular motion: infinite attraction, no interaction.
3. And there are those so similar, like two magnets with similar poles, the closer they get, the stronger the repelling force.

1/9/2007 8:33:39 pm: Ash

Para sa mga bitter:

“Maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow. Just so he can see and feel how much love hurts…advance happy valentines!”

1/1/2007 11:55:36pm: Jane

“Love someone whom you don’t have to be fancy or talk in a special way, you don’t have to mind your manners or wear your best clothes and shoes, you don’t have to pretend you’re happy when you’re feeling sad..Love someone you can cry on, you can laugh out loud with, you can speak your mind or say nothing at all, you don’t have to try hard to impress him/her..Go with someone whom you can just be you and appreciates you for that..”

[meaning I don’t have to, but want to is okay?]

11/28/2006 10:38:04pm: Jane

People say they love flowers,
Yet they pluck them.

They say they love trees,
But still cut them.

Now I know why some are afraid
When told that they are loved…

4/2/2007 11:32:12pm: Jane

In a world where almost everyone you meet is a jerk, you know you don’t need to be serious. Hang out, pretend, and play with them. Have fun and stop anytime. No attachments, no commitments, no pain. Convenient, isn’t it? But at the end of the show, you know you are still yearning for something genuine. You realize that what you are really looking forward to is having someone who can look at you straight in the eyes, and tell you he/she loves you; someone worth every risk of pain, someone who’ll stay, someone who will simply make a difference.

12/28/2006 9:57:07am: Ash

The human brain is the most outstanding thing. It functions 24 hours 365 days. It functions right from the time you were born…until you fall in love.

12/17/2006 10:02:56pm: Arcadio

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.- Anais Nin

11/18/2006 10:56:06pm: Jane

“2 letters”

Dear Diary,

I saw him passing my way. I didn’t know what to do. I used to smile and greet him but I feel so awkward so I looked the other way. Besides, he’s the star of the basketball team; he’ll never notice a geek like me.

Dear Diary,

I passed by the corridor and saw the pretty smart girl I usually sit with during chemistry. I tried to smile at her but she looked the other way. Besides, I’m just a guy who could shoot some hoops, while she’s the pretty honor student. She’ll never like a guy like me.

7/22/2007 10:29:04pm: Jane

“The worst pain in life is when someone you know turns into someone you knew.”

1/20/2007 10:51:06 am: Minnette

Pinaka-corny pero pinaka-effective na pick-up line:

“Miss, lam mo ba..Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop..At hindi tayo halaman..BAGAY tayo! BAGAY!”

1/7/2007 8:49:31pm: Raisa

Quotes from the world’s greatest warriors:

I came. I saw. I conquered.- Julius Caesar
I shall return.- Douglas McArthur
I will fight iniwan, iniwer, initaym. – Pacman

7/23/2007 1:27:30pm: Rose Ann

It’s nice to recall our mistakes in the past
Joke about real life punch lines
And laugh about our dumb old selves
Cause remembering how stupid we were
Makes us realize
How less stupid we are now.

ba 143

and i still can't help myself...

haha. forget you darling?

i saw my old crush in school. he was a classmate way back in first year. he suddenly looked so attractive to me. haha. i mean, of course he was quite good-looking then, but now! my gosh, sex appeal!

he was looking at me. i think he recognized me. but then i was in a sort of a hurry, i looked so frazzled and i remembered that i forgot to put on some perfume (not that i smell bad), so i was so embarrassed that i just rushed past him and pretended to be busy. i couldn't even look and smile at him.

but next time, if ever we're gonna meet again, i'll take my chance - look, smile, and say hello. if he recognizes me, then we'll probably talk. if not, then who's gonna use a pick-up line darling? haha.

but i still miss you.

reality

i did something stupid. and ugly. and embarassing. and i hate it.

but i did something else which is wonderful and fulfilling.

i did everything darling. i did everything i can even if there's nothing to save in the first place.

i suppose i should be happy now. that i was given the opportunity to do everything. i took the risk, see? even if it didn't turned out what i hoped for...what happened was different.

i didn't expect something incredible to happen, though i hoped for it. what happened was nice enough for me to wish for a second time around.

i was always giving and expecting nothing in return. but i wished and hoped, and i prayed, that someday you will do something for me. but darling, throughout the years, you never even bothered to give me something. sometimes you were there when i asked you to. but that's always it - i ask for it, and sometimes you give in. it's like you're forced to do it. it's like you do it in return for whatever you received from me. that's what i feel. that's what i think you feel about it.

and you don't even know my birthday. i appreciate everything you did for me; but sometimes the yearnings of a romantic shows itself - the roses & chocolates, the sweet nothings, the spark, the magic, and the feeling that you love and are loved in return.

and it's obvious in your part that there is nothing to believe in. i should quit fooling myself that the things you do for me are special. cause i think they are ordinary things you do to your friends. i can't stop thinking how i managed to be in a delusion for such a long time when i'm hurting all the time.

it's over. it should be.

cause you are real darling; and i should stick to reality.

sudden realization

now i know why i'm always tensed and nervous when we meet.

'cause darling, for such a long time, we communicated thru phone/PC. we got to know each other using these means of communication. in the absence of personal interaction, i somehow managed to conjure up illusions of you. the sole basis of course were the conversations we had, and the few times we met.

and then, i didn't know how to react - when someone i believed so far away is suddenly infront of me. how can i face my illusions? i imagined a person out of you. i made a dream person out of our conversations.

the premise for our conversations i believed at first, is that i can easily open up to you because we are never going to meet. see? as much as i want to meet you again and again, there is a lot of difference in talking with a person thru phone/PC compared to being with you personally.

i cannot imagine that someone i dreamed for so long, someone i illusioned, someone i made up out of my own wishful thinking, will face me. i can't stand the fact that someone i opened up to -my feelings, my secrets, my thoughts - will face me one day.

and the embarrassment! how am i supposed to confront you?

my dreams, my fears, my illusions - they have to fade away. somehow i managed to hold on to them for such a long time and disconnecting myself to them is like giving up a big part of me.

but it's time for me to move on. move on to reality. you cannot remain in my thoughts as is.

you are real.

i waited & waited, and then u left

maybe you're wondering why i wanted to go out again...

haha darling, the reason is not exactly because i want to see you again. main reason is that i want to redeem myself.

you're not giving me any opportunity to make up for that night. i wanted to show you the best side of me. it's so embarrassing for me that everytime we meet or see each other, i'm always in the worst form possible - my appearance, mood, what i'm doing at that particular moment, etc.

i don't know if men can understand this sort of feeling - the frustration to be able to impress yourself on the person you want so much, but end up rather disgusted with yourself.

this is a very embarrassing, and stupid situation.

i don't think you're wondering why i kept asking you if you were free last weekend. you're smart enough to guess that i wanted to go out again. i waited, and waited, and then you left. i wanted to makeup for that night.

but then again, sensing that you don't want to, i have to back down.

aggressiveness will lead to nowhere. you know me well i think. you can take hints.

but i'm confused by your actions. i don't know what to expect or what to do.

nothing i suppose.

please.

"Do not tell him you want a commitment, he will run, repeat, he will run faster than you can blink. "
-from somewhere in yahoo

pathetically speaking i'm ok

i'm sorry...(why am i forever saying sorry?)

if ever that's the last time we're gonna meet, i really do regret it. i always dreamt that we'll have fun and laugh, and wish that the night will never end.

but how come when i face you i can't be myself? why do i feel so tensed and nervous?..to tell the truth, it's much easier (and we have better conversations at that) actually to talk to you thru chat or text rather than personally. even the sound of your voice makes me so nervous, and it makes me act so differently than i want to.

maybe because we should try spending more time together rather than just through whatever means of communication that is/are convenient to us.

that is, if you want to.

it takes effort and time to make it. but obviously you don't seem to exert effort and give time, i suppose there really is nothing in there. plus, you got all the entertainment you need from the people surrounding you.

you don't need me. you don't want me. and i hate it.

pathetic.

100th post

yeah.. and when I see my first few posts, I learned that I haven't learned anything..I am not moving on. still stuck in the same old place - hurt & disgusted with myself.

more than a year already..stuck. agh.

little by little i'll move away, and by doing so will make me get over things i should have left years ago.

PLDT outreach with ANP

Outreach Program

May 2007

PLDT student campers with ANP(red)

PLDT revalida: PWEDE!

standing, L-R: Irene, Abi, David, Gene

sitting, L-R: Justine, Paul, Nikki

virac

and then i went home for the weekend to attend a wedding.

and yes, i played a lot. literally..played with my sisters.

and i wanna be home all the time. =)

greenbelt

National Sports GRill, Greenbelt
PLDT Summer Camp's 1st Kamustahan
April 20, 2007 (Friday)
-nice!-

makati

Ayala ave, Makati City

end of April 2007

taken while walking to the bus stop.

love as..

Love as insecurity, is not a very bad thing I suppose. Insecurity arises when one loves and there is a need to be loved in return. There is the expectation for the love to be reciprocated. Insecurity is shown as we are not comfortable with ourselves alone. We need others to appreciate us and to help us develop ourselves. Perhaps it can be expressed most as follows: “we love best those who need us most” (Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery). There is a sense of martyrdom or of a need to be hero – to be praised and appreciated by other people. Hence, the image of damsel in distress and knight in shining armor comes to mind. However, love as I’m speaking of, is not limited to romantic love alone, but to love of all kinds; a personal definition of love notwithstanding.

I am not saying this is a bad thing. It is actually human nature. And if the Creator/Divine Providence made us this way, maybe there is a good reason for that.

Living alone and not needing anybody is as lonely as could be. There is a purpose for us to be created as insecure and as needy for love as possible. It is to create brotherhood and enjoy life and the blessings of the Divine Providence all the more.

Perhaps love is at its best when there is mutual benefit and happiness.

Love in moderation is good. Excessive love might result to infatuation or obsession. I think it is safe to relate love to infatuation or obsession as we are not even sure exactly what love means.

-December 18, 2006 (Monday)

moody..

i'm getting a little cranky already. maybe because i haven't had a proper vacation yet since the christmas break. from all the acad work, org, intern, and other extra-curricular activities, i am already tired from rushing everything.

with just the weekend to relax--oh no! not relax! with all the org activities and laundry i have to do, and some catching up with friends and colleagues, i can't can't relax! work on weekdays and still i want to do something else..enroll in a dance class or something..something to develop a skill or discover a talent...

my sister's kidding me that i'm always trying to be a superwoman when i'm not and cannot be. Why do i always feel the need to do something or do a lot at the same time? why do i feel the need to try everything at the same time? Is time really running out? that i have to make the most of it? to no longer sleep if it's just not necessary..

tired darling. worn out. i just want to go out, relax, and have fun. don't get me wrong, i have fun working. it's just that, i think my physical aspect can no longer keep up with my determination.

i want out. i want a breather.

april madness

aside from having the first few days of april busy for some final exams & projects plus company interviews, i also had a lot if extra-curricular activities in mind.

rushing through exams and company interviews, i finally maanged to finish all the requirements and transfer all my stuff from my dorm to our house in san juan. then i have to do some FP requirements (i'm the VC for logistics for Financial Project this coming semester), American Chamber Seminar & Business Plan Competition, and then my internship with PLDT all in the same week (April 9-15, 2007). Then there's the screening for Stratmark/PANA team. There's also the plan sem for the org. The whole week, I went home just to take a bath and change clothes. I hadn't had the time to eat regularly and I was rushing from san juan to makati, to boni, to UP, and all around. I was pretty tired that week. I know I wasn't going to make it all. Some would be sacrificed for others. And i have to prioritized which matters most to me.

the results? my team won the amcham business plan competition & we got a pink glass trophy for that, and i didn't make it on the stratmark/pana screening. ironic isn' it? they're both marketing competitions..oh well. i guess i settled for the short-term goal.

I took a day off from work just to be able to make my presentation for the screening. but it was bad. i wasnt feeling good. and from the very start, i knew it would be terrible. but i want to try. i had to even though i knew it was going to be bad. Because i was still hoping..that even if my instincts are telling me it's not for me, I was still hoping that some miracle would happen and save me from destiny. I wanted to prove it wrong. That i'll be able to make it and that I make my own destiny. But no, there really are some things I can't do or change.

oh well, gotta accept fate.

after i took the PLDT contract, there are different companies calling me up everyday offerring better compansation & better work. but i could no longer back out. it's done. if i did, it would be much worse for me.

oh yeah, there's also the Philip Morris Choose your own adventure..i had the interview that friday. i know i'm not going to make it. it was bad. though i'm still hoping.

went to antipolo on sunday for the org's plan sem. tired. wasn't able to get anything from it. and i still got work the next day.

gotta rest rest rest.