I rented a Honda Wave for my next 3 months here for USD100! Basically, tires are my responsibility but all other repairs especially the engine are the owner's.
Well, I know it's scary but I can't go on riding buses and xe-oms/taxis until the end of my term here. I know I need to learn how to drive, and the first step is to get one. I've delayed it long enough. :)
Jack brought home his new Minsk bike last night, which he bought for USD200 last Wednesday. He sold his old Minsk for the same amount last Thursday - drove it up in OQ, and sold in 5 mins. Minsks are WWII-technology motorbikes made in Russia.
Honda Wave semi-automatic! I like small, light bikes; certainly not the big, butt-heavy, small-wheeled ones.
It doesn't have a big butt like the Vespas, in which the seat often serve like a car's trunk. But the owner got a raincoat for me under the seat! Yey! And yeah, it's missing one side mirror. Should put more air on the tires, and a mirror. But people often drive without one. :)
Btw, ang gwapo pala ng bike ko! Haha
Jack's old Minsk
Jack's new Minsk - taller suspension
Sunday, June 13, 2010
moorbike trip
Left Friday morning, returned Tuesday afternoon
With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.
2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!
Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)
to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike! haha. yeah, everyone's staring at his bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!
At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!
Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.
Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha
Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.
Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)
With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.
2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!
Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)
to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!
At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!
Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.
Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha
Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.
Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
stop nagging!
June 10:
i am not playing the pretend wife today
June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.
1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.
So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.
2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.
i am not playing the pretend wife today
June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.
1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.
So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.
2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.
June 9, 2010
I don't fit your criteria of a friend or an interesting person, yet you "like me"? And you're inviting me to the motorbike trip on September that I am clearly not suitable at.
I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.
I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.
June 6, 2010
Dear Diary (or Bloggy),
Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.
So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??
Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.
Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.
Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.
Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.
So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??
Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.
Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.
Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.
Nevermind
Oh well, forget it. I'm not gonna edit it to please certain people. I'm gonna lose my individuality if I do. I want them to be personal to be shared with people I care about, and interested about. They will see the real me, and I hope they will accept me as I am.
cleaning up
Today, I'm going to clean up my FB - make it less personal, less interesting, and more general. I was so focused on a certain group people. But now I have to face the possibility that other groups of people may be looking at my profile, and so I have to edit it to be more "decent" and "presentable", without them thinking anything offensive or suggestive about their own "groupmates".
Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)
Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
over beer and whisky
Highlights of the drinking session last night:
1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.
You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.
1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.
You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.
here.now.
I need you now, darling. Really. This week started like hell, and I wish it would just end. But i can't deny there are a few little moments of happiness.
But i wish you're here, and we can weather any storm together.
But i wish you're here, and we can weather any storm together.
Monday, June 07, 2010
yesterday
Yesterday morning:
an expert at subtlety - you always make me think if you're using as one of your metaphors again, any of the subjects we're talking about to represent our situation.
Are you reading me again? my body language?
darling, you might think I'm playing with fire with you.
I don't know about you, but as my record will show, I'm not the one who always gets burned.
are you studying me all the time?
you love me, don't you?
1 week and you're already attached.
we're less than halfway, darling.
and you're already worried about being dumped.
Last night:
We talked for 3 hours. Am I just a friend, or am i now more like a girlfriend, or even a wife? Haha. We live in the same house, have breakfast and/or dinner together, chat for hours, update on our lives, and plan the future.
My guy friends usually accuse me of being a jealous girlfriend, when I'm not - and they have girlfriends. Haha. Sometimes I can't just help it - maybe I act more than a friend should be. But still, 99% of the time - it makes us closer. They see it as a sweet, thoughtful act, and maybe just like a little sister throwing tantrums when ignored. But sometimes I get carried away, and them too. But I always back out as fast as I can, and they're left behind. Not that I want to; it's just because I feel it's not right.
I was wondering last night how it would feel to sleep in your arms.
an expert at subtlety - you always make me think if you're using as one of your metaphors again, any of the subjects we're talking about to represent our situation.
Are you reading me again? my body language?
darling, you might think I'm playing with fire with you.
I don't know about you, but as my record will show, I'm not the one who always gets burned.
are you studying me all the time?
you love me, don't you?
1 week and you're already attached.
we're less than halfway, darling.
and you're already worried about being dumped.
Last night:
We talked for 3 hours. Am I just a friend, or am i now more like a girlfriend, or even a wife? Haha. We live in the same house, have breakfast and/or dinner together, chat for hours, update on our lives, and plan the future.
My guy friends usually accuse me of being a jealous girlfriend, when I'm not - and they have girlfriends. Haha. Sometimes I can't just help it - maybe I act more than a friend should be. But still, 99% of the time - it makes us closer. They see it as a sweet, thoughtful act, and maybe just like a little sister throwing tantrums when ignored. But sometimes I get carried away, and them too. But I always back out as fast as I can, and they're left behind. Not that I want to; it's just because I feel it's not right.
I was wondering last night how it would feel to sleep in your arms.
He's mine.
I really want that cat. He's the one for me. I've been thinking about it for some time, you know - getting a pet. I want a pet that will respond - not a fish or a turtle or a bird. A dog or a cat would be great. And it will be a nice training for me in taking care of someone or something. I'll get him tomorrow, no matter what. He or she, it doesn't matter.
---------------------------
Funny moment:
Him: But you'll just dump him after 2 months. Animal Ethics.
Me: 3, I'd be here for another 3 months. What??
Him: Then, you'll dump him after 3 months.
Me: It's not dumping. I'm just giving him to someone else!
Him: That's still dumping him. They get attached, you know. You have to take care of them forever. [was it really the word "forever" again?]
Me: No. [referring to dumping; not attachment]
Him: Trang is probably okay with it, but her parents won't be. And they're gonna move to the countryside after a few years. [retirement]
Me: Huh? Then it's dead by then.
Him: Depends on how old it is.
------------------------------
Is it just a way of playing a role? Is the cat a kind of metaphor? Darling, when I say something, you don't have to over-think or over-analyze. I'm not like Ernest Hemingway; what I say is what I mean - not an iceberg, no 2/3s underneath. Call me shallow, tactless, stupid - I don't care. If it gets the point across, that's my only responsibility. If you over-think and think the wrong thing, then it's no longer my fault.
And oh, a little update - we're both moving out on early September. Haha. Funny, funny how our schedules coincide. My plan was already fixed when I arrived, yours wasn't. Darling, i know you just can't leave me. You don't want to leave me.
---------------------------
Funny moment:
Him: But you'll just dump him after 2 months. Animal Ethics.
Me: 3, I'd be here for another 3 months. What??
Him: Then, you'll dump him after 3 months.
Me: It's not dumping. I'm just giving him to someone else!
Him: That's still dumping him. They get attached, you know. You have to take care of them forever. [was it really the word "forever" again?]
Me: No. [referring to dumping; not attachment]
Him: Trang is probably okay with it, but her parents won't be. And they're gonna move to the countryside after a few years. [retirement]
Me: Huh? Then it's dead by then.
Him: Depends on how old it is.
------------------------------
Is it just a way of playing a role? Is the cat a kind of metaphor? Darling, when I say something, you don't have to over-think or over-analyze. I'm not like Ernest Hemingway; what I say is what I mean - not an iceberg, no 2/3s underneath. Call me shallow, tactless, stupid - I don't care. If it gets the point across, that's my only responsibility. If you over-think and think the wrong thing, then it's no longer my fault.
And oh, a little update - we're both moving out on early September. Haha. Funny, funny how our schedules coincide. My plan was already fixed when I arrived, yours wasn't. Darling, i know you just can't leave me. You don't want to leave me.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
training for something
June 3, 2010
my mom is telling me to get a job which promises a good work experience - or should I say the most gasgas word in job hunting history - good "training". Haha. I'm at a total loss, what am i supposed to be training for? Something that will back up my degree, or something that i want to do in the future? Maybe i should... start planning my career (and life) direction, and saving up for retirement. Yey. Haha. :)
Uncle: too early and too young to be planning for career and retirement .let it come to you.enjoy what you have now .how about visiting us again.you and the boys will have alot to share about careers.love you.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
charming, lovely community
Amusing things here:
1. Grocery store in the diplomatic area with a cafe next door with the same owner. Foreign books at the cafe in all sorts of languages; left by customers perhaps. People can borrow (just get any book from the shelf), and just return them anytime. No issues whatsoever. It doesn't matter, and everyone's cool about it.
2. Bookworm -if you buy something here, you can sell it back for 1/3 the price. good english books are hard to come by, that's why people would just rather like it rotate in the city than leave the country. And it's so interesting to find a myriad of books of different eras. Haha.
3. Xe-om drivers - they remember me, and the places where I usually go. No more bargaining, same price all the time.
4. Market - everytime I go out, I say hello to the babies with their grandmothers in the alley. I pass by the pineapple lady and smile, say hello. Pass by the xeom drivers, say hello. Into the market, and say hello to the tomato man and the fruit lady. Fruit lady's always offering me the dragonfruit, which is Jack's favorite and not mine. I never buy that fruit, although I'd eat it if it's there. Haha.
5. Pharmacy and sari-sari stores across doi can -they know I can't speak the local language, so they're more helpful and accommodating. And they no longer mind me just hovering inside their stores looking hard for something. In other stores, people follow me around and keep on asking what I want. But when they know me already, they just let me be. Haha.
I feel like I'm part of a community, which I'd never felt before in a larger scale.
1. Grocery store in the diplomatic area with a cafe next door with the same owner. Foreign books at the cafe in all sorts of languages; left by customers perhaps. People can borrow (just get any book from the shelf), and just return them anytime. No issues whatsoever. It doesn't matter, and everyone's cool about it.
2. Bookworm -if you buy something here, you can sell it back for 1/3 the price. good english books are hard to come by, that's why people would just rather like it rotate in the city than leave the country. And it's so interesting to find a myriad of books of different eras. Haha.
3. Xe-om drivers - they remember me, and the places where I usually go. No more bargaining, same price all the time.
4. Market - everytime I go out, I say hello to the babies with their grandmothers in the alley. I pass by the pineapple lady and smile, say hello. Pass by the xeom drivers, say hello. Into the market, and say hello to the tomato man and the fruit lady. Fruit lady's always offering me the dragonfruit, which is Jack's favorite and not mine. I never buy that fruit, although I'd eat it if it's there. Haha.
5. Pharmacy and sari-sari stores across doi can -they know I can't speak the local language, so they're more helpful and accommodating. And they no longer mind me just hovering inside their stores looking hard for something. In other stores, people follow me around and keep on asking what I want. But when they know me already, they just let me be. Haha.
I feel like I'm part of a community, which I'd never felt before in a larger scale.
off to neverland
Last week, we were at the Perfume Pagoda. This week, Trixie's in Japan, Lisa's somewhere, and Mia's probably in Philippines now. I feel so down, like the loser in a group. We were never been a group of friends, just people who stuck together for convenience and 'cause it's the best way to do it. But it was fun.
Life should be great. Life is great.
Life should be great. Life is great.
private thoughts, private intentions
We were discussing a medical condition wherein parasites live in the body, and how to prevent such thing by taking a tablet of Fugacar.
Him: You've never taken any (he was assuming). You're not going to be a very attractive girlfriend.
Me: But I don't want a boyfriend.
-----------------------------------------
You wanted me to say something in your defense.
Your age - that you're not too old.
Your body - that you look great.
Your bike - that you're the coolest guy in town.
Darling, I'm a rebel at heart. I will not say/do anything that people expect me to say or do. I know you want me to compliment you or whatever. I'm scared of the effect. For me, it would be normal. But I don't know how you're gonna take it.
We have an entirely platonic relationship, right?
You said you like me, that you really really like me. And that you'd kill anyone who's gonna hurt me. And that you don't like a lot of people. I took it in the friendship plane. I'm having my doubts now. I don't think we were thinking in the same level.
You've been putting the other guy down - acting like a 15 year old, reckless, girly bike, girly ways, what else? 'Cause you're jealous. You can see I really like him, and that we hit it off immediately. Chemistry? No problem.
And I wasn't exactly responding to your advances, right? No comments, no flattery. You don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm gonna do, and my reactions would be. So sorry.
Him: You've never taken any (he was assuming). You're not going to be a very attractive girlfriend.
Me: But I don't want a boyfriend.
-----------------------------------------
You wanted me to say something in your defense.
Your age - that you're not too old.
Your body - that you look great.
Your bike - that you're the coolest guy in town.
Darling, I'm a rebel at heart. I will not say/do anything that people expect me to say or do. I know you want me to compliment you or whatever. I'm scared of the effect. For me, it would be normal. But I don't know how you're gonna take it.
We have an entirely platonic relationship, right?
You said you like me, that you really really like me. And that you'd kill anyone who's gonna hurt me. And that you don't like a lot of people. I took it in the friendship plane. I'm having my doubts now. I don't think we were thinking in the same level.
You've been putting the other guy down - acting like a 15 year old, reckless, girly bike, girly ways, what else? 'Cause you're jealous. You can see I really like him, and that we hit it off immediately. Chemistry? No problem.
And I wasn't exactly responding to your advances, right? No comments, no flattery. You don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm gonna do, and my reactions would be. So sorry.
accomplishments
What have I accomplished so far (January-June 5)?
1. MJN- flowcharts project on tax cycle, fixed assets and purchasing
2. FA 1 book - student's workbook, teacher's manual - answer key and transcript, CD tracks
3. 2 CS classes
Ongoing:
1. 2 FA/B classes
2. Learning to cook local food
3. Learning Spanish and Viet
Should do one every after half-year. Will review at the end of June.
1. MJN- flowcharts project on tax cycle, fixed assets and purchasing
2. FA 1 book - student's workbook, teacher's manual - answer key and transcript, CD tracks
3. 2 CS classes
Ongoing:
1. 2 FA/B classes
2. Learning to cook local food
3. Learning Spanish and Viet
Should do one every after half-year. Will review at the end of June.
fixed costs
why i'm pretty cash-tight (read: will be broke in a while) this month:
1. paid for my 3month visa which cost nearly 200USD
2. paid room rental until end of August
3. paid bike rental for 3 months until end of August
4. vacation and tours last month
5. new phone and SIM, and lost cash last month
At least, all my fixed costs for the next 3 months are covered. Only the variable expenses then has to be monitored, or controlled, which is exactly my problem. I can't say no to eating out and having fun. Haha.
1. paid for my 3month visa which cost nearly 200USD
2. paid room rental until end of August
3. paid bike rental for 3 months until end of August
4. vacation and tours last month
5. new phone and SIM, and lost cash last month
At least, all my fixed costs for the next 3 months are covered. Only the variable expenses then has to be monitored, or controlled, which is exactly my problem. I can't say no to eating out and having fun. Haha.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
direction
my mom is pressuring me to get a career (and life) direction, get a job with good work experience or should i say the most gasgas word - "training". but i'm at an absolute loss, darling. training for what? what am i supposed to be training for?
with my college friends working for auditing firms or as MTs in MNCs, now I look like I'm the only one naliligaw ng landas. But why does everything right now feels so right? Not perfect; life isn't perfect - i have my own share of troubles. But I feel so at home.
with my college friends working for auditing firms or as MTs in MNCs, now I look like I'm the only one naliligaw ng landas. But why does everything right now feels so right? Not perfect; life isn't perfect - i have my own share of troubles. But I feel so at home.
note
note to self:
when something bad happens that is out of my control, i'd say: shit happens
when i made a mistake or a wrong decision, i'd say: charge it to experience
when something bad happens that is out of my control, i'd say: shit happens
when i made a mistake or a wrong decision, i'd say: charge it to experience
Thursday, May 27, 2010
a lesson
Learning for the past 3 months: It's N-O, or count to 10 and it's STFU. Both with a smile, darling. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
proposals
After several minutes of him talking about my future career and where I'll live and what I'll do:
Me: You're planning my future again!
Him: 'Cause you're not doing it!
-----------------------------------------------
i lost count on how many times you've proposed marriage or any long term commitment, indirectly. The night we had some beer (wednesday night), you defended yourself over the issues i knew i offended you over time - motorbike trip, paranoia, keys, etc.
I know i offended you, and i'm sorry. You defended yourself, i understand your point, and can we now just forget about the whole thing? I'll be more careful the next time i talk to you.
Next time.
-----------------------------------------------
At the resort, you were already pushing me to someone else - you'll set up a dinner for the two of us, you complimented the guy, and already planned my future with him (that Shanghai wouldn't be so far from Japan.) A few days later, you changed your mind and decided again that you want me for yourself - that the other guy is not as good as you. So two nights ago, you criticized him; even saying that he's acting like a 15 year old. Haha. You're jealous, dead jealous. But you can't show it, darling. You don't have the right. We don't have any commitment, and no exclusivity for that matter. And I, can do anything as I please.
Me: You're planning my future again!
Him: 'Cause you're not doing it!
-----------------------------------------------
i lost count on how many times you've proposed marriage or any long term commitment, indirectly. The night we had some beer (wednesday night), you defended yourself over the issues i knew i offended you over time - motorbike trip, paranoia, keys, etc.
I know i offended you, and i'm sorry. You defended yourself, i understand your point, and can we now just forget about the whole thing? I'll be more careful the next time i talk to you.
Next time.
-----------------------------------------------
At the resort, you were already pushing me to someone else - you'll set up a dinner for the two of us, you complimented the guy, and already planned my future with him (that Shanghai wouldn't be so far from Japan.) A few days later, you changed your mind and decided again that you want me for yourself - that the other guy is not as good as you. So two nights ago, you criticized him; even saying that he's acting like a 15 year old. Haha. You're jealous, dead jealous. But you can't show it, darling. You don't have the right. We don't have any commitment, and no exclusivity for that matter. And I, can do anything as I please.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
risks
It's not because of my age, or the it's "too late" part. It's the perception. I thought that by just being here, quitting the usual "career path" and doing something different, that I'm different - that I'm taking risks an average person wouldn't do. But apparently, for him, it's nothing. I didn't know there are groups of people who'd never even bother talking to civilians. And me? I've never been in a war. I've been brought up with pop culture and MTV. Just like any normal person my age, I guess; even though I think I'm better off than most people I've met because I've been exposed and self-educated with some real stuff - good literature, music, and ideas. I know what's crap, and what's great. I read books that are far more than just for entertainment. I thought that was enough. But for him, it's nothing.
According to a chinese proverb, he said, "to be an adult, a person should have experienced these 3 things - poverty, war, and love." So I'm practically an infant then, if that's the definition of adulthood.
According to a chinese proverb, he said, "to be an adult, a person should have experienced these 3 things - poverty, war, and love." So I'm practically an infant then, if that's the definition of adulthood.
forever part 2
Him: Saying that I'm paranoid [about being careful with everything] shows that you're naive.
Me: Well, at least I know that I'm safe when I'm with you.
Him: Yes, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Me: I know.
Him: But if ever someone hurt you, I'd kill them straight off. If you're with (name of other person who's a little bit reckless), you'd be f*cked up.
.........
Him: So, how would you like to stay here in Hanoi forever?
Me: Huh? Forever?
.........
Darling, there's no such thing as "forever" for me.
Me: Well, at least I know that I'm safe when I'm with you.
Him: Yes, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Me: I know.
Him: But if ever someone hurt you, I'd kill them straight off. If you're with (name of other person who's a little bit reckless), you'd be f*cked up.
.........
Him: So, how would you like to stay here in Hanoi forever?
Me: Huh? Forever?
.........
Darling, there's no such thing as "forever" for me.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
home
Darling, i want to go home. now. I want my friends back. I want people I can talk to. I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather leave first than be left behind. It always makes me cry.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
The scientist
Thank you so much for doing everything for me. I really appreciate it that you're always there for me. I'm grateful for the "family" I have here. But you don't have to feel obligated. Sometimes I feel you care too much for me.
1. How can I ever repay your kindness?
2. You're not interested in me, are you? 'Cause I've seen some people do that for me, and they are. I don't know how I can return the affection, when all I can offer is friendship.
3. Feedback. Should I have done better?
You cooked for me, thank you so much. Why didn't you tell me that they don't know how to cook it the way I wanted, and I could have ordered just any other dish. It won't matter so much, you know. You're always a gentleman, serving me all the time, and now you tell me you're leaving in a few months?
I'll try to remember everything that happened. But it all went so fast, then I got scared. I remember our breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinners together. You always made it a point to come home for dinner right after your work, so we can talk together until the late hours. Coffee we love to have in the morning, lasting for 2 hours at the least. We always had long talks anytime we bump into each other, which isn't hard considering we live in the same house. And then you started talking about marriage, that you had dreams that you'll marry in 2 years time. I still remember telling you that 2 years is not enough time for a woman to be prepared for a wedding, and you said you'll take care of everything! Then you did the palm reading in which you advised me to be open to relationships and be more passionate in life. That I was holding myself back. When I asserted that there is no one currently for me to hold back from, you said there might be someone and that I never know for sure. That maybe I only needed someone who can take care of me. And for weeks, I noticed you were always pointing out the "bad" qualities of some husbands, and that you're different, that you're nice. Okay, and you're really vain about your body. Haha. Physical fitness and your muscles, darling? We spent weeks talking about marriage, couples, and the future. At the start, you planned for my future, and even "our" future!
Then last week, before the trip - we went to a restaurant for lunch. You called me and asked me if I wanted to go for lunch. We already had lots of "semi-dates" before that - going to different places all over the city - museums, parks, restaurants, everything! And you were always giving me advice in everything.
Last week, I introduced you to my uncle - which happened to know a lot more about what I need to know than whatever you can give me. And sometimes I let slip my former lifestyle with above average wealth. Did you give up? That I really don't need you as much as you thought before? That I have enough of my own, and the reality is different from what you've imagined?
For the past weeks, I've been saying that I don't want to get married at all. Last week, I told you that if I ever got married, it would be someone a little bit older than me and that it would be someone from the Philippines. Did I just turn you down?
Last week, I met your friends. We had fun, didn't we? We had our own house, hideaway, a pet dog, and we just stayed together the whole day.
You should tell me directly, you know - what you want and how you feel. And even I have a hard time telling you about how I feel right now - that I'm scared, but I'm really thankful that you're here.
We're drifting into that mood of "please say anything so that there won't be any silence, and that the other won't have to start talking about his/her thoughts and feelings, and the unspoken but felt issues between us". Remember that weekend that I was pissed off the whole time? I said sorry after, and you tried to be super nice to me. You gave me materials and all that stuff - making amends of what?
You're a great person, but I hope that's it. Can we ever go back from the start?
1. How can I ever repay your kindness?
2. You're not interested in me, are you? 'Cause I've seen some people do that for me, and they are. I don't know how I can return the affection, when all I can offer is friendship.
3. Feedback. Should I have done better?
You cooked for me, thank you so much. Why didn't you tell me that they don't know how to cook it the way I wanted, and I could have ordered just any other dish. It won't matter so much, you know. You're always a gentleman, serving me all the time, and now you tell me you're leaving in a few months?
I'll try to remember everything that happened. But it all went so fast, then I got scared. I remember our breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinners together. You always made it a point to come home for dinner right after your work, so we can talk together until the late hours. Coffee we love to have in the morning, lasting for 2 hours at the least. We always had long talks anytime we bump into each other, which isn't hard considering we live in the same house. And then you started talking about marriage, that you had dreams that you'll marry in 2 years time. I still remember telling you that 2 years is not enough time for a woman to be prepared for a wedding, and you said you'll take care of everything! Then you did the palm reading in which you advised me to be open to relationships and be more passionate in life. That I was holding myself back. When I asserted that there is no one currently for me to hold back from, you said there might be someone and that I never know for sure. That maybe I only needed someone who can take care of me. And for weeks, I noticed you were always pointing out the "bad" qualities of some husbands, and that you're different, that you're nice. Okay, and you're really vain about your body. Haha. Physical fitness and your muscles, darling? We spent weeks talking about marriage, couples, and the future. At the start, you planned for my future, and even "our" future!
Then last week, before the trip - we went to a restaurant for lunch. You called me and asked me if I wanted to go for lunch. We already had lots of "semi-dates" before that - going to different places all over the city - museums, parks, restaurants, everything! And you were always giving me advice in everything.
Last week, I introduced you to my uncle - which happened to know a lot more about what I need to know than whatever you can give me. And sometimes I let slip my former lifestyle with above average wealth. Did you give up? That I really don't need you as much as you thought before? That I have enough of my own, and the reality is different from what you've imagined?
For the past weeks, I've been saying that I don't want to get married at all. Last week, I told you that if I ever got married, it would be someone a little bit older than me and that it would be someone from the Philippines. Did I just turn you down?
Last week, I met your friends. We had fun, didn't we? We had our own house, hideaway, a pet dog, and we just stayed together the whole day.
You should tell me directly, you know - what you want and how you feel. And even I have a hard time telling you about how I feel right now - that I'm scared, but I'm really thankful that you're here.
We're drifting into that mood of "please say anything so that there won't be any silence, and that the other won't have to start talking about his/her thoughts and feelings, and the unspoken but felt issues between us". Remember that weekend that I was pissed off the whole time? I said sorry after, and you tried to be super nice to me. You gave me materials and all that stuff - making amends of what?
You're a great person, but I hope that's it. Can we ever go back from the start?
Over the holidays
One annoying thing during the trip that kept happening again and again:
You see, Rick and Jack speak fluent Vietnamese, and Steve & I don't. When the two talk to the locals like in buying food or petrol, the locals would look at me and start talking to me. Sometimes they're not that polite, and are nearly screaming at my face. As if they need me to translate whatever Rick and Jack told them. They can understand them if they just look past the white skin. And they had to tell the locals every time to stop talking to me 'cause I don't speak Viet, and they can perfectly understand Rick & Jack. Some apologize, others don't. But we've always gotten what we wanted in the end, so they really understood them from the start. Momentary shock with these Westerners speaking the local language, i guess. They don't talk to Steve, since he obviously looks like a foreigner. As these guys all pointed out, I don't look like a Viet, I'm distinguishably a Filipina. But I look Asian, and for these people, I guess it equates to Viet. Sometimes Steve would say: "They're talking to her again, and she can't understand them." 'Cause I was facing in the opposite direction, oblivious to all the Viet people talking to me (or shouting at me!). I guess I learned how to shut them off my mind. Haha.
You see, Rick and Jack speak fluent Vietnamese, and Steve & I don't. When the two talk to the locals like in buying food or petrol, the locals would look at me and start talking to me. Sometimes they're not that polite, and are nearly screaming at my face. As if they need me to translate whatever Rick and Jack told them. They can understand them if they just look past the white skin. And they had to tell the locals every time to stop talking to me 'cause I don't speak Viet, and they can perfectly understand Rick & Jack. Some apologize, others don't. But we've always gotten what we wanted in the end, so they really understood them from the start. Momentary shock with these Westerners speaking the local language, i guess. They don't talk to Steve, since he obviously looks like a foreigner. As these guys all pointed out, I don't look like a Viet, I'm distinguishably a Filipina. But I look Asian, and for these people, I guess it equates to Viet. Sometimes Steve would say: "They're talking to her again, and she can't understand them." 'Cause I was facing in the opposite direction, oblivious to all the Viet people talking to me (or shouting at me!). I guess I learned how to shut them off my mind. Haha.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
oregano
Had lunch at a new restaurant - good, not excellent. won't go back there again. it's average in manila. Haha. But it's quite rare here, i guess.
I really have to talk to him tonight and straighten things up. It's just that I'm not good at confrontations. Really have to clear up everything.
I'm good at controlling my positive feelings, but not my negative emotions. :)
I really have to talk to him tonight and straighten things up. It's just that I'm not good at confrontations. Really have to clear up everything.
I'm good at controlling my positive feelings, but not my negative emotions. :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
friends?
Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.
I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?
I remember random things we talked about:
1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.
2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.
Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. That if I just take chances, I'd do the right thing. Take chances? of what? And he said, see, if i would just open myself to opportunities. or in what i can remember, he means if i just consider some things as opportunities and not categorize them as "cannot be".
What a pickup line. or lines, I should say. Repeated again when I went to his bedroom to ask for something. I wasn't flirting. I was being friendly.
Friday:
We went to a museum, had lunch, another museum, grocery, then home. like a date. i was eating chocolates. He mentioned chocolates produce better effects than kissing. then he bought a lot of chocolates on the way home. he ate everything. *he was trying to substitute chocolates for kissing?*
then we planned for the next day.
Saturday:
i went to a museum. he texted me for dinner, called several times. we went to a mall, grocery, then coffee, then we had a nice dinner at the buffet. great. best meal i've had. but dull conversations. i avoided saying too much to him that day. i mentioned the boys though. i was even feeling a bit sick and tired. I knew i was acting kinda distant. then we went to the night market, and the jazz club. we realized then that we were different. I wanted to go somewhere he doesn't want to, dance and party all night. we went home after the bar thing, and then he got some beers and immediately went to his room. he left me in the kitchen? i was getting some tea, for goodness' sake. he knew i wanted to chat for a while.
was this day like a second date?
Consolation:
Good thing we split the bills. I never have to carry the guilt feeling.
Sunday and Monday: we didn't see each other. Which is great. Space is what we need.
I just wanted friendship. Why is it so hard with these people? Men, whom I'm usually stuck with.
I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?
I remember random things we talked about:
1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.
2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.
Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. That if I just take chances, I'd do the right thing. Take chances? of what? And he said, see, if i would just open myself to opportunities. or in what i can remember, he means if i just consider some things as opportunities and not categorize them as "cannot be".
What a pickup line. or lines, I should say. Repeated again when I went to his bedroom to ask for something. I wasn't flirting. I was being friendly.
Friday:
We went to a museum, had lunch, another museum, grocery, then home. like a date. i was eating chocolates. He mentioned chocolates produce better effects than kissing. then he bought a lot of chocolates on the way home. he ate everything. *he was trying to substitute chocolates for kissing?*
then we planned for the next day.
Saturday:
i went to a museum. he texted me for dinner, called several times. we went to a mall, grocery, then coffee, then we had a nice dinner at the buffet. great. best meal i've had. but dull conversations. i avoided saying too much to him that day. i mentioned the boys though. i was even feeling a bit sick and tired. I knew i was acting kinda distant. then we went to the night market, and the jazz club. we realized then that we were different. I wanted to go somewhere he doesn't want to, dance and party all night. we went home after the bar thing, and then he got some beers and immediately went to his room. he left me in the kitchen? i was getting some tea, for goodness' sake. he knew i wanted to chat for a while.
was this day like a second date?
Consolation:
Good thing we split the bills. I never have to carry the guilt feeling.
Sunday and Monday: we didn't see each other. Which is great. Space is what we need.
I just wanted friendship. Why is it so hard with these people? Men, whom I'm usually stuck with.
Friday, April 23, 2010
scared
Part 2:
I was saying that Trang's gonna marry this year, he's gonna marry in 2 years, and me in 10 years. And Trang said something..
Him: ..but you see, 10 years is a pretty long time.
Me: Huh? But I'M gonna marry in 10 years! YOU'RE gonna get married in 2 years! *What's your issue with my 10-year plan?*
And there was also something like cooking and trying to impress someone. And when I asked him why I should want to impress him, he made some excuse like trying to be helpful for my training to my future husband. Haha.
This morning, he made some comments about me marrying some primitive person. Haha. I recognize those signs - teasing me and suggesting partners for me. And yet, even with all the teasing, I know that they're gonna do everything for me. I know they love me. Essentially, they all make the same signs.
They try to make suggestions through teasing like - you're not gonna get married, or you're gonna be an old maid, or you should marry the next guy who'll propose because you might not get another. haha. darling, i know when a guy likes me and loves me enough to propose- but just scared to do so, because they're not sure if I love them back.
But you know, I'm just scared. I'm not sure I can trust them so it's pretty difficult for me to really accept it and commit to someone.
I was saying that Trang's gonna marry this year, he's gonna marry in 2 years, and me in 10 years. And Trang said something..
Him: ..but you see, 10 years is a pretty long time.
Me: Huh? But I'M gonna marry in 10 years! YOU'RE gonna get married in 2 years! *What's your issue with my 10-year plan?*
And there was also something like cooking and trying to impress someone. And when I asked him why I should want to impress him, he made some excuse like trying to be helpful for my training to my future husband. Haha.
This morning, he made some comments about me marrying some primitive person. Haha. I recognize those signs - teasing me and suggesting partners for me. And yet, even with all the teasing, I know that they're gonna do everything for me. I know they love me. Essentially, they all make the same signs.
They try to make suggestions through teasing like - you're not gonna get married, or you're gonna be an old maid, or you should marry the next guy who'll propose because you might not get another. haha. darling, i know when a guy likes me and loves me enough to propose- but just scared to do so, because they're not sure if I love them back.
But you know, I'm just scared. I'm not sure I can trust them so it's pretty difficult for me to really accept it and commit to someone.
reason why
I'm really confused right now, darling.
I know i'm supposed to be here. All the signs are pointing this way. And I feel totally at home. There's no doubt that I made the right decision coming here. The things happening aren't just coincidences - they are meant to happen. The reason why I'm here, however, is what I don't know.
See, I've realized the following after having a talk with a friend last night:
1. I don't like the corporate life because it's too confining or restricting working in an office environment with all the cubicles, work hours, and policies.
2. I don't like my current job because I don't think I'm good at it. And low pay doesn't make me feel any better either.
3. I always try to move away if things don't go as good as planned. Or you can say, I try to escape the mess I'm in.
So, I think I have some idea now why I'm here:
1. Fix myself - emotionally and mentally - my plans, my attitude, and how I face temporary setbacks in life.
2. Have fun. Learn how to relax.
What are the chances, darling?
1. I've read that if you stay with police people, you don't have to do much paperwork. And I do now. I just learned about it that they're part of the police.
2. A housemate with a degree in psychology? I had wished for ages to talk to someone professional for some kind of therapy. Even informal.
3. A family. They are really nice and I like them. It feels so much like what a home should feel like.
I gotta fix myself. I was so messed up when I left the country.
I know i'm supposed to be here. All the signs are pointing this way. And I feel totally at home. There's no doubt that I made the right decision coming here. The things happening aren't just coincidences - they are meant to happen. The reason why I'm here, however, is what I don't know.
See, I've realized the following after having a talk with a friend last night:
1. I don't like the corporate life because it's too confining or restricting working in an office environment with all the cubicles, work hours, and policies.
2. I don't like my current job because I don't think I'm good at it. And low pay doesn't make me feel any better either.
3. I always try to move away if things don't go as good as planned. Or you can say, I try to escape the mess I'm in.
So, I think I have some idea now why I'm here:
1. Fix myself - emotionally and mentally - my plans, my attitude, and how I face temporary setbacks in life.
2. Have fun. Learn how to relax.
What are the chances, darling?
1. I've read that if you stay with police people, you don't have to do much paperwork. And I do now. I just learned about it that they're part of the police.
2. A housemate with a degree in psychology? I had wished for ages to talk to someone professional for some kind of therapy. Even informal.
3. A family. They are really nice and I like them. It feels so much like what a home should feel like.
I gotta fix myself. I was so messed up when I left the country.
Friday, April 16, 2010
forever?
These aren't the exact lines but they capture the essence:
He asked about my plans, and I told him I don't have any yet. My plan is only good for the next few months, and it's not even sure.
Me: So what are your plans?
Him: Forever?
Me: No! (*totally bewildered*) Just for this year!!!
> Gosh. What's with FOREVER? I'm living one month at a time, one week at a time, ONE DAY at a time. And then of course, he told me he wasn't sure yet. and I think it was then that he told me he's planning to get married in 2 years. Not planning, but he can feel it. Haha.
Me: you FEEL that you're getting married in 2 years?
Him: Yeah. Have you ever had that feeling? Like a gut feel, and if you don't follow it, it's going to be bad luck. I've had it for the past months - dreams, thoughts, you know.
Me: Yeah, that's why I'm HERE.
>I don't mean it that way! I was only saying I'm here in this country because of gut feel, like this is the one path for me at that time (and until now). But not in relation to his marriage feeling. HAHA.
He asked about my plans, and I told him I don't have any yet. My plan is only good for the next few months, and it's not even sure.
Me: So what are your plans?
Him: Forever?
Me: No! (*totally bewildered*) Just for this year!!!
> Gosh. What's with FOREVER? I'm living one month at a time, one week at a time, ONE DAY at a time. And then of course, he told me he wasn't sure yet. and I think it was then that he told me he's planning to get married in 2 years. Not planning, but he can feel it. Haha.
Me: you FEEL that you're getting married in 2 years?
Him: Yeah. Have you ever had that feeling? Like a gut feel, and if you don't follow it, it's going to be bad luck. I've had it for the past months - dreams, thoughts, you know.
Me: Yeah, that's why I'm HERE.
>I don't mean it that way! I was only saying I'm here in this country because of gut feel, like this is the one path for me at that time (and until now). But not in relation to his marriage feeling. HAHA.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
take it slow
"Corbett was perfectly charming; it was inevitable that he should go on being charming to the end of the chapter. It was equally inevitable that she should go on being in love with him; but her love had undergone a modification which the years were not to efface.
Formerly he had been to her like an unexplored country, full of bewitching surprises and recurrent revelations of wonder and beauty; now she had measured and mapped him, and knew beforehand the direction of every path she trod. His answer to her question had give her the clue to the labyrinth; knowing what he had once done, it seemed quite simple to forecast his future conduct. For that long-past action was still a part of his actual being; he had not outlived or disowned it; he had not even seen that it needed defending.
Her ideal of him was shivered like the crystal above the miniature of the warrior of Chancellorsville. She had the crystal replaced by a piece of clear glass which (as the jeweler had pointed out to her) cost much less and looked equally well; and for the passionate worship which she had paid her husband she substituted a tolerant affections which possessed precisely the same advantages."
- excerpt from The Lamp of Psyche by Edith Wharton
This is what happens when a woman suddenly "figures out" her partner. Their relationship changes. It differs from the Twilight case in which the lead was attracted to the lady because he can't read her mind. When you figure someone's character, you can predict what they will think and say. It is entirely different from being able to read what someone else is thinking at the present moment, when that person is already thinking about whatever it is.
Then it becomes so predictable and boring. It is not just because you can already predict their thoughts and actions, but rather you can now see the narrowness and limit of their personality. This will result to disappointment and boredom. Really.
I've met guys who are non-losers but bordering on the losers' group. They were smart, nice, straight-arrow men. Good in school, but you won't know about the future because after-school or career is entirely different. There is no laid-out plan. But anyway, these guys, they have good jobs now & vacations, girlfriends, hobbies/sports, family, etc. The usual. Are they interesting? At first. But then it tends to get boring after. You see that after a while, they have nothing new to offer. Maybe I was impatient. Only a month, and I think I figured them out. Maybe a few more months, and deep conversations we would be able to find it each other more interesting, exciting. And then create new memories, experiences to share with each other.
To my future Prince: I hope you take it really slow but please assure me all the time that you love me. I will panic when you start asking about my plans, and meeting my parents. Please wait when I'm ready.
Formerly he had been to her like an unexplored country, full of bewitching surprises and recurrent revelations of wonder and beauty; now she had measured and mapped him, and knew beforehand the direction of every path she trod. His answer to her question had give her the clue to the labyrinth; knowing what he had once done, it seemed quite simple to forecast his future conduct. For that long-past action was still a part of his actual being; he had not outlived or disowned it; he had not even seen that it needed defending.
Her ideal of him was shivered like the crystal above the miniature of the warrior of Chancellorsville. She had the crystal replaced by a piece of clear glass which (as the jeweler had pointed out to her) cost much less and looked equally well; and for the passionate worship which she had paid her husband she substituted a tolerant affections which possessed precisely the same advantages."
- excerpt from The Lamp of Psyche by Edith Wharton
This is what happens when a woman suddenly "figures out" her partner. Their relationship changes. It differs from the Twilight case in which the lead was attracted to the lady because he can't read her mind. When you figure someone's character, you can predict what they will think and say. It is entirely different from being able to read what someone else is thinking at the present moment, when that person is already thinking about whatever it is.
Then it becomes so predictable and boring. It is not just because you can already predict their thoughts and actions, but rather you can now see the narrowness and limit of their personality. This will result to disappointment and boredom. Really.
I've met guys who are non-losers but bordering on the losers' group. They were smart, nice, straight-arrow men. Good in school, but you won't know about the future because after-school or career is entirely different. There is no laid-out plan. But anyway, these guys, they have good jobs now & vacations, girlfriends, hobbies/sports, family, etc. The usual. Are they interesting? At first. But then it tends to get boring after. You see that after a while, they have nothing new to offer. Maybe I was impatient. Only a month, and I think I figured them out. Maybe a few more months, and deep conversations we would be able to find it each other more interesting, exciting. And then create new memories, experiences to share with each other.
To my future Prince: I hope you take it really slow but please assure me all the time that you love me. I will panic when you start asking about my plans, and meeting my parents. Please wait when I'm ready.
the signs
Dear Diary,
I think he's in love with me. Let me count the ways, darling:
1. He's too protective - doesn't want me to do a lot of things he deems risky
2. He asks about my schedule, and always says "see you" when hell, we're living in the same house.
3. wants me to meet his friends and vice-versa
4. wants to go to the country
5. plans my future and sometimes "our" future
6. keeps saying "we"
7. doesn't want to tell his age and wouldn't ask for mine - afraid it would burst the bubble or pose a threat/issue
8. compliments me almost daily
9. would talk to me for hours, and abandon his work/gym or anything he was planning to do
10. being a total gentleman - opens the doors, lets me in first, etc
I hope I'm mistaken, though. But all the signs I usually see in the opposite sex (my age most of the time) are present. I had to find a way, so I asked for everyone's birthday. I really wanted to know the birthdays so I wouldn't miss a special day. But I wanted him to know that I'm less than half his age. He's even older than my parents! He kept avoiding that fact.
It took only 2 weeks. 17 days tomorrow. Even the first week already had an effect. I only wanted a friend, a companion, a buddy - someone that will have my back if something happens to me in this foreign land. And I'd do the same for that person too. But I got more than I bargained for, I got a family and someone who treats me so well it scares me so.
Just one thing, though - we split the bills. no monetary indebtedness. haha.
2 weeks passed. 21 weeks to go. :)
I think he's in love with me. Let me count the ways, darling:
1. He's too protective - doesn't want me to do a lot of things he deems risky
2. He asks about my schedule, and always says "see you" when hell, we're living in the same house.
3. wants me to meet his friends and vice-versa
4. wants to go to the country
5. plans my future and sometimes "our" future
6. keeps saying "we"
7. doesn't want to tell his age and wouldn't ask for mine - afraid it would burst the bubble or pose a threat/issue
8. compliments me almost daily
9. would talk to me for hours, and abandon his work/gym or anything he was planning to do
10. being a total gentleman - opens the doors, lets me in first, etc
I hope I'm mistaken, though. But all the signs I usually see in the opposite sex (my age most of the time) are present. I had to find a way, so I asked for everyone's birthday. I really wanted to know the birthdays so I wouldn't miss a special day. But I wanted him to know that I'm less than half his age. He's even older than my parents! He kept avoiding that fact.
It took only 2 weeks. 17 days tomorrow. Even the first week already had an effect. I only wanted a friend, a companion, a buddy - someone that will have my back if something happens to me in this foreign land. And I'd do the same for that person too. But I got more than I bargained for, I got a family and someone who treats me so well it scares me so.
Just one thing, though - we split the bills. no monetary indebtedness. haha.
2 weeks passed. 21 weeks to go. :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
my housemates
I'm renting a room on the third floor of the house of a Viet family, and an American is also renting a room on the second floor. He's really nice, friendly, and decent. He's well-educated and well-traveled. He's a good conversationalist, and I'm always at ease with him - no tensions, no pretensions, no anything at all. It's a good sign; it means I'm happier and more relaxed these days. And we spend hours talking during mealtimes - breakfast/brunch, lunch, dinner. I have yet to know if he's smart and witty enough to handle things he hasn't encountered yet. But with his age, it's hard to find anything he hasn't dealt with before. But sometimes yeah, I'm more adventurous on some things. He absolutely forbids me to take the xeom. And I get some things done more easily and faster. I got the brains, he's got the experience (& brains too i guess). Haha. It gives me some security though, that as we get closer and are friends now (can't avoid since we see each other almost everyday)- that someone will be there for me if anything happens, that he's got my back, and he knows everything that will make it easier for me. And that he will do everything to help me, if I ever get into trouble. Although i think he's a tad too protective, and really cautious.
I think he's a bit older than my parents too. So I'm less than half his age. Haha. It's quite amusing, meeting people and making friends from different backgrounds and different age groups. And although locals probably think negatively of a young Asian woman walking around with a much older Caucasian man, i honestly don't care. It's fun hanging around with him, and I'm learning a lot. I really think he cares for me, but he won't tell me his age. Haha.
I think he's a bit older than my parents too. So I'm less than half his age. Haha. It's quite amusing, meeting people and making friends from different backgrounds and different age groups. And although locals probably think negatively of a young Asian woman walking around with a much older Caucasian man, i honestly don't care. It's fun hanging around with him, and I'm learning a lot. I really think he cares for me, but he won't tell me his age. Haha.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
turn-ons
so what do I like in a guy?
1. Smart, conversationalist, sociable: good talker, not boring, has some decent sense of humor.
2. Ma-diskarte: a characteristic that will assure me that we will be able to handle everything that comes our way.
3. Passion and ambition: to succeed in life (no lies & crimes, please)
4. Neat, clean, presentable: decent looks and hygiene
5. Really loves me.
1. Smart, conversationalist, sociable: good talker, not boring, has some decent sense of humor.
2. Ma-diskarte: a characteristic that will assure me that we will be able to handle everything that comes our way.
3. Passion and ambition: to succeed in life (no lies & crimes, please)
4. Neat, clean, presentable: decent looks and hygiene
5. Really loves me.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
today is an all-time low
I want to move all the time, just to be somewhere different than before. It may seem like I'm escaping all the time, and maybe it is so.
Darling, i never seem to fit anywhere. There are always tensions and i don't know if they're self-induced. I hope I can be the ray of sunshine of everyone i meet. But I'm always worried about money, feeling not so good, or sometimes hungry. My situation is pathetic, i know. Sometimes I don't want to eat breakfast or lunch, because I know I'll have a good dinner and so I don't have to spend for the first two meals. I'd just stuff myself during dinner.
I know, i know. I need to learn how to relax. That's why I need to be away; because I need to learn how to do things on my own and stop being a nuisance to others. But sometimes it's so difficult trying to be strong all the time. I just want to relax, and be carefree. And I know, that when I'm relaxed and not trying HARD to do anything - everything that I wish for (& more) comes to me willingly. This is my training, darling. I need to learn something to improve myself, so I'll be ready for you.
I need to discipline myself, and start being happy. I need to relax, and let go. I need to learn how to stop trying too hard and worrying. And, I need this training on how to be independent so that we won't have a hard time together.
Good news: I'm becoming more punctual!
Bad news: My output and productivity is suffering. I am neither effective nor efficient at the moment.
I need you to support me that everything will be alright. So I don't need to worry, and try too hard. But you don't seem to need me, so I guess I'm all alone. My self-esteem is in its record low. Darling, why can't I feel happy? Is it because of too much caffeine? Why am I not feeling happy? Do I need chocolates for this?
Btw, the food here is really great. lots of veggies and different ways of cooking. But lots of msg i guess. terrible after-taste. I'm yearning for a "fry-up"! feels like my tongue is full of MSG all the time.
Darling, i never seem to fit anywhere. There are always tensions and i don't know if they're self-induced. I hope I can be the ray of sunshine of everyone i meet. But I'm always worried about money, feeling not so good, or sometimes hungry. My situation is pathetic, i know. Sometimes I don't want to eat breakfast or lunch, because I know I'll have a good dinner and so I don't have to spend for the first two meals. I'd just stuff myself during dinner.
I know, i know. I need to learn how to relax. That's why I need to be away; because I need to learn how to do things on my own and stop being a nuisance to others. But sometimes it's so difficult trying to be strong all the time. I just want to relax, and be carefree. And I know, that when I'm relaxed and not trying HARD to do anything - everything that I wish for (& more) comes to me willingly. This is my training, darling. I need to learn something to improve myself, so I'll be ready for you.
I need to discipline myself, and start being happy. I need to relax, and let go. I need to learn how to stop trying too hard and worrying. And, I need this training on how to be independent so that we won't have a hard time together.
Good news: I'm becoming more punctual!
Bad news: My output and productivity is suffering. I am neither effective nor efficient at the moment.
I need you to support me that everything will be alright. So I don't need to worry, and try too hard. But you don't seem to need me, so I guess I'm all alone. My self-esteem is in its record low. Darling, why can't I feel happy? Is it because of too much caffeine? Why am I not feeling happy? Do I need chocolates for this?
Btw, the food here is really great. lots of veggies and different ways of cooking. But lots of msg i guess. terrible after-taste. I'm yearning for a "fry-up"! feels like my tongue is full of MSG all the time.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
meant to be
Am I meant to be here, darling?
It was easy for me to get here, and I don't feel as much resistance as I normally do on changes. But then again, I'm a mover. I move a lot, and residences are always temporary for me. I've probably stayed in 15-20 houses over my lifetime - and they are the "permanent" addresses type (months to years).
No resistance, just smooth flow. It was easy, fast, and I feel at home.
And the people I meet? They're like family. And oh, I got the book I was looking for several months already.
But then, are we?
It was easy for me to get here, and I don't feel as much resistance as I normally do on changes. But then again, I'm a mover. I move a lot, and residences are always temporary for me. I've probably stayed in 15-20 houses over my lifetime - and they are the "permanent" addresses type (months to years).
No resistance, just smooth flow. It was easy, fast, and I feel at home.
And the people I meet? They're like family. And oh, I got the book I was looking for several months already.
But then, are we?
dream land
So, i moved in to a new house today. this morning. I have a nice room, bigger and better than the earlier one. It's clean, net, and fully furnished! :) It's got an aircon, a TV and dvd player, a fan, a cabinet, a nice desk & chair. :)
Well, the family I'm living with is nice and friendly. They gave me sheets and a pillow, and I'm free to use the kitchen too. I wish I have some extra money right now to buy some food. I'm always so hungry lately. I want to buy and eat some real food. I bought a bread a while ago, cheapest one I could find. I couldn't really buy from the street because there's no price and sometimes, they try to rip me off. I hate it. I wish I'll stop thinking about being ripped off, coz it will always happen if i do. Maybe i should bring my calculator to show how much. or learn the numbers in the local language. Hay.
So there. Dead broke.
Anyway, the family I'm with - the dad's a fireman, the mom's a cook in the police department, and the daughter is a chemist who works in the fire department's laboratory (same place as dad's), and the son is in shanghai for university studies. And there's a cousin staying here also for university.
Kinda surreal, isn't it? Just like in the movies! Haha. I've always wanted an exciting life. Similar to what I see in the films. I'm a small-town girl who dreams of traveling the world, and experiencing a different kind of life.
Another thing- they have a lot of opportunities here! I've met a lot of students who has sisters/brothers in US, Europe, etc studying on a scholarship! Isn't it grand? And we, in the premier university in our country barely have enough scholarships just studying there! So envious of these people! When we are as good as them, and better even in communication. Oh, i really hope I can get a scholarship in an Ivy League university and work abroad! One of our dreams.
I'm also wondering at their level of income. The family that I'm living with have a really nice house, in a good location at that. So how can they afford it? The people here must be earning pretty well even at that level of work.
Well, the family I'm living with is nice and friendly. They gave me sheets and a pillow, and I'm free to use the kitchen too. I wish I have some extra money right now to buy some food. I'm always so hungry lately. I want to buy and eat some real food. I bought a bread a while ago, cheapest one I could find. I couldn't really buy from the street because there's no price and sometimes, they try to rip me off. I hate it. I wish I'll stop thinking about being ripped off, coz it will always happen if i do. Maybe i should bring my calculator to show how much. or learn the numbers in the local language. Hay.
So there. Dead broke.
Anyway, the family I'm with - the dad's a fireman, the mom's a cook in the police department, and the daughter is a chemist who works in the fire department's laboratory (same place as dad's), and the son is in shanghai for university studies. And there's a cousin staying here also for university.
Kinda surreal, isn't it? Just like in the movies! Haha. I've always wanted an exciting life. Similar to what I see in the films. I'm a small-town girl who dreams of traveling the world, and experiencing a different kind of life.
Another thing- they have a lot of opportunities here! I've met a lot of students who has sisters/brothers in US, Europe, etc studying on a scholarship! Isn't it grand? And we, in the premier university in our country barely have enough scholarships just studying there! So envious of these people! When we are as good as them, and better even in communication. Oh, i really hope I can get a scholarship in an Ivy League university and work abroad! One of our dreams.
I'm also wondering at their level of income. The family that I'm living with have a really nice house, in a good location at that. So how can they afford it? The people here must be earning pretty well even at that level of work.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
easy
"I don't know if I should care for a man who made life easy; I should want someone who made it interesting."
— Edith Wharton
— Edith Wharton
Monday, March 22, 2010
Mark Twain's Roughing It
I've just read the last chapter of Mark Twain's Roughing it:
"Moral: If the reader thinks he is done, now, and that this book has no moral to it, he is in error. The moral of it is this: If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them - if the people you go among suffer by the operation."
With more than a century between us, Mark Twain captured my situation so accurately that I'm laughing my head off at this very moment. This excerpt can be found at the end of the last chapter and before the appendix. This is so hilarious.
I've dutifully read every single sentence in the book for about the first 60%, and randomly selected chapters in the next 40%. So I haven't read the other stories, but I find them quite amusing. Really. Life is all about Roughing It.
Thank you so much, Mark Twain. :D
"Moral: If the reader thinks he is done, now, and that this book has no moral to it, he is in error. The moral of it is this: If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them - if the people you go among suffer by the operation."
With more than a century between us, Mark Twain captured my situation so accurately that I'm laughing my head off at this very moment. This excerpt can be found at the end of the last chapter and before the appendix. This is so hilarious.
I've dutifully read every single sentence in the book for about the first 60%, and randomly selected chapters in the next 40%. So I haven't read the other stories, but I find them quite amusing. Really. Life is all about Roughing It.
Thank you so much, Mark Twain. :D
Saturday, March 20, 2010
settle down?
I just want to try something different. Youth has its perks: I have the energy, the determination to be risky, and the excuse to be reckless. And I've seen, youth has special benefits from society - they're not apparent, but if you try to look for "special" opportunities, you'll see them. Young people are exempted from the demands of the bureaucracy - be it an internship, a volunteer program, etc. They see youths as a new blood- which can help the ailing economy to achieve a different, more successful route.
Coz if I settle for a permanent "career", hey, when will I be able to do what I wanted to do? What I've always dreamt of doing? I just want to see what else is out there; what else the world can offer me; and what else can be done.
Different perspectives lead people to better solutions, more win-win situations.
Give me some time, darling. I'd settle down in a while. :D
Coz if I settle for a permanent "career", hey, when will I be able to do what I wanted to do? What I've always dreamt of doing? I just want to see what else is out there; what else the world can offer me; and what else can be done.
Different perspectives lead people to better solutions, more win-win situations.
Give me some time, darling. I'd settle down in a while. :D
tried
I tried to really work. So my laptop was turned on the whole day. But I can't seem to start right. I'll just sleep and wake up early tomorrow, hoping all my creative ideas will come rushing and inspire me to do my work.
I can smell some cooked food - like freshly baked cookies. But I know they are not, because there's not even an oven here.
I hope I can live a better life than what I have right now. But I want you with me. No matter what happens, we'll be there for each other.
I can smell some cooked food - like freshly baked cookies. But I know they are not, because there's not even an oven here.
I hope I can live a better life than what I have right now. But I want you with me. No matter what happens, we'll be there for each other.
potential
I guess there are a lot of people with more problems that I have right now. Not really problems, i'm just worrying myself sick of the future "potential" problems. Mostly due to financial scarcity. Oh well, after worrying for it the past week, and no solution has arrived - I guess I'll just leave it up to God. and He will take care of it. I tried, really really tried, to get another job. But it seems all doors are slamming on my face - nobody wants me. So there.
I resolve to be happy, try to minimize expenses, but would no longer worry about my future problems. Will take of them as they come.
How about you, darling? :)
I resolve to be happy, try to minimize expenses, but would no longer worry about my future problems. Will take of them as they come.
How about you, darling? :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
3 things
that made my day:
1. Taught my first class! It was great! I hope they enjoyed it, and learned a lot in the process.
2. Confirmed for my new house/room! :)
3. Bought some bread and milk. Gosh, i miss my usual fare at home. I love peanut butter but it's so expensive here! imported from US. but love it love it love it. wish it's sweeter though. haha. just like the ones Philippine-made.
now that i've told you something about my day, tell me about yours. :)
1. Taught my first class! It was great! I hope they enjoyed it, and learned a lot in the process.
2. Confirmed for my new house/room! :)
3. Bought some bread and milk. Gosh, i miss my usual fare at home. I love peanut butter but it's so expensive here! imported from US. but love it love it love it. wish it's sweeter though. haha. just like the ones Philippine-made.
now that i've told you something about my day, tell me about yours. :)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
yes?
Aren't you going to talk to me? :/
I would really like to talk to you. Because darling, if you want me there, I'd be there. :)
I would really like to talk to you. Because darling, if you want me there, I'd be there. :)
Monday, March 15, 2010
3 things
you reminded me of 3 things:
1. accounting books
2. thick clothes
3. roaming
I was able to prepare for the last item only. And now, I realize everything you said was right. Haha. How I wish I listened to you.
1. accounting books
2. thick clothes
3. roaming
I was able to prepare for the last item only. And now, I realize everything you said was right. Haha. How I wish I listened to you.
bye
I got the message loud and clear - you don't want me.
Okay then, I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you in the coming months. Goodbye. :)
Okay then, I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you in the coming months. Goodbye. :)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
hormones
too much caffeine and raging hormones. darn. shouldn't have taken much coffee and tea. and my period is so bad timing.
Haha. Met a cute guy last night though.
Haha. Met a cute guy last night though.
Friday, March 12, 2010
illusions again
darling, i'm kinda busy tomorrow. going someplace with friends all over the city. i miss you, and i wish you're here. But you'd never really "go" with me, right? You have commitments, and you have hesitations about being risky and adventurous, even when you've been dreaming about it for so long. Will you ever live up to your dreams? Will you ever try and just jump? Or will just wait forever for that "perfect opportunity" that will knock on your door without any effort and give you "a too good to be true" chance of a lifetime?
i hope this weekend will be something for me. I need some cheering up every now and then. And i know you do too. I'm so sorry I'm not there with you all this time. But you know I have to do this, right? I have to, in order to become a better person. And I know you'll love me more (and hate me too) for this. I hope you'll be online in a while, and please tell me that you do care about me.
I wonder, will we ever meet again? and feel the same way as we did before? But why oh why, in all my illusions, are my feelings getting stronger?
i hope this weekend will be something for me. I need some cheering up every now and then. And i know you do too. I'm so sorry I'm not there with you all this time. But you know I have to do this, right? I have to, in order to become a better person. And I know you'll love me more (and hate me too) for this. I hope you'll be online in a while, and please tell me that you do care about me.
I wonder, will we ever meet again? and feel the same way as we did before? But why oh why, in all my illusions, are my feelings getting stronger?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
hello
Good morning! How are you today? It's been pretty chilly here, so i still can't sleep well. But it's not as freezing as before. :)
hey you
But hey- you admitted last night that you were online everyday before i left. Was it intentional? :)
-----
Funny thing here: Saw a Kia car with the name New Morning. I remember seeing another car named Jolie (forgot the manufacturer's name but it's a famous brand). Hehe. Localized? I don't see any of those in our country.
-----
Funny thing here: Saw a Kia car with the name New Morning. I remember seeing another car named Jolie (forgot the manufacturer's name but it's a famous brand). Hehe. Localized? I don't see any of those in our country.
how are you?
What are you up to lately? Everytime we talk, I'm always bursting with stories that I always forget to ask you about your life, until it's too late and you're saying goodbye.
Why didn't you text me then? I'm on roaming anyway. After you so insisted on it. Haha. And you didn't text me the day I left, you weren't online the night before it, and for a darn whole week after that day. And you didn't even drive me home that night we had dinner! Agh.
Where are you now? I just want to know what's happening to you for the past few months. :)
Just tell me - what and where are we now?
Why didn't you text me then? I'm on roaming anyway. After you so insisted on it. Haha. And you didn't text me the day I left, you weren't online the night before it, and for a darn whole week after that day. And you didn't even drive me home that night we had dinner! Agh.
Where are you now? I just want to know what's happening to you for the past few months. :)
Just tell me - what and where are we now?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
princess
When I get back, i wont be a princess anymore. haha.
I want to prove to myself that i can do anything, no matter where I am. With my life now, i'm pretty independent. and i'm not asking money from my parents anymore. i have to make do with what i have.:)
Just a bit of lakwatsa after college, but i have to pay my way. And it's fun and really educational at the same time! :)
I want to prove to myself that i can do anything, no matter where I am. With my life now, i'm pretty independent. and i'm not asking money from my parents anymore. i have to make do with what i have.:)
Just a bit of lakwatsa after college, but i have to pay my way. And it's fun and really educational at the same time! :)
you
i want to ask you a lot of questions:
1. did you just put me under cruise control?
2. why didn't you even say goodbye?
3. what's up with you now? How's the job application process?
1. did you just put me under cruise control?
2. why didn't you even say goodbye?
3. what's up with you now? How's the job application process?
internship
Internship - just another excuse for companies to hire young people(fresh university grads) temporarily (like probe) for low wages, in exchange for experience and additional boost in a resume. So most of the time, companies that offer this kind of employment is a big multi-national, or has some clout with its name.
Haha. Well, that's my personal definition of that word. Okay lang, basta at least break-even ako. :)
Haha. Well, that's my personal definition of that word. Okay lang, basta at least break-even ako. :)
here (part 2)
1. They lock their gates from the inside. There's a small square hole where you can put your hand to lock or unlock the padlock. It is so difficult at first! Takes a lot of practice.
2. They really dress well here. People are mostly in shoes (stilletos for women!) and longsleeves (corporate attire). I feel so underdressed (too casual) or overdressed (too formal) most of the time. They're somehow in the middle - casual dressy or smart casual or casual chic. And they all somehow fit together in the environment/setting. Even if they're driving motorbikes.
3. They can wear silk. It's not humid here. Weather is really good, and it's not so dusty or windy. It doesn't smell so polluted either.
4. My office has really nice classrooms! And one of my teachers uses a notepad through a computer and a stylus then projected. It was really good. Imported teachers = malaysians.
5. We drink coffee, tea most of the time. Tea is just water and a tea bag. Filipinos really have a sweet tooth - sweet everything! Here, the focus is mostly on the natural flavor of the food.
5. Most people here are either buddhist or atheist. Athough there are a lot of pagodas, a "normal person" here doesn't have a religion.
2. They really dress well here. People are mostly in shoes (stilletos for women!) and longsleeves (corporate attire). I feel so underdressed (too casual) or overdressed (too formal) most of the time. They're somehow in the middle - casual dressy or smart casual or casual chic. And they all somehow fit together in the environment/setting. Even if they're driving motorbikes.
3. They can wear silk. It's not humid here. Weather is really good, and it's not so dusty or windy. It doesn't smell so polluted either.
4. My office has really nice classrooms! And one of my teachers uses a notepad through a computer and a stylus then projected. It was really good. Imported teachers = malaysians.
5. We drink coffee, tea most of the time. Tea is just water and a tea bag. Filipinos really have a sweet tooth - sweet everything! Here, the focus is mostly on the natural flavor of the food.
5. Most people here are either buddhist or atheist. Athough there are a lot of pagodas, a "normal person" here doesn't have a religion.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
hang-over
It's not our game anymore. Let's move on. There are a lot of things we can still do (not to mention more fun & exciting) than what we had then. You've got a very heavy hang-over, darling. :)
Te extraño
Annnnnddd you miss me! Hahaha.
Anyway, i took the bus yesterday - just me. It was my first time, and I was on my own. I was armed with a map and some cash. Haha. And some notes I just show to the conductor, written in Vietnamese by my classmate (and new found friend). So nice! :D
Oh well, I hope I can get another job during my free time.
:)
PS: that's from yahoo answers hahaha
Anyway, i took the bus yesterday - just me. It was my first time, and I was on my own. I was armed with a map and some cash. Haha. And some notes I just show to the conductor, written in Vietnamese by my classmate (and new found friend). So nice! :D
Oh well, I hope I can get another job during my free time.
:)
PS: that's from yahoo answers hahaha
Friday, March 05, 2010
here
people here don't bother much on cleanliness. they throw everything everywhere. restaurants seem like garbage dumps with toothpicks (they use it like candy - public and a darn long time), tissue papers, and whatever else fell on the table/floor.
they're nice enough coz they are very patient (seldom angry), and they don't mind the unruly drivers. there's a lack of street/driving rules here. there is always a left turn in intersections so can you imagine turning left when the other side is rushing from the opposite direction? head-on (or sideways?) collision! hay. so stressful.
what else? i want a nice breakfast - bacon, ham and eggs. can't get it here.
and oh, i just passed by a duty free this morning! finally, maybe i can get some jams and peanut butter there. i can't find cotton and jams at the supermarket. but the usual meals here are good - mostly vegetarian.
there are also lots and lots of cafes (pho, bia hoi, and restaurants with seats outside) and karaoke here.
they're nice enough coz they are very patient (seldom angry), and they don't mind the unruly drivers. there's a lack of street/driving rules here. there is always a left turn in intersections so can you imagine turning left when the other side is rushing from the opposite direction? head-on (or sideways?) collision! hay. so stressful.
what else? i want a nice breakfast - bacon, ham and eggs. can't get it here.
and oh, i just passed by a duty free this morning! finally, maybe i can get some jams and peanut butter there. i can't find cotton and jams at the supermarket. but the usual meals here are good - mostly vegetarian.
there are also lots and lots of cafes (pho, bia hoi, and restaurants with seats outside) and karaoke here.
yahoo
haha yahoo posted some dating tips. of course i read it! and my gosh, you just hit 2 - #5&7. and i'm not even sure. Haha.
'cause you're nice, you really are. when I have a problem with my car, i always text/call you. and you were always there to talk to me on just about anything (waaay back then). but 2points over 10? i admit the rest i don't even care about. haha. but it would be nice if you hit a 100%.
so what happened to us?
'cause you're nice, you really are. when I have a problem with my car, i always text/call you. and you were always there to talk to me on just about anything (waaay back then). but 2points over 10? i admit the rest i don't even care about. haha. but it would be nice if you hit a 100%.
so what happened to us?
Thursday, March 04, 2010
youthsays
Haha. just browsing my seachange page, earning a few pesos for every survey but none right now. I should probably edit my profile to get all possible surveys. out of sheer boredom, darling.
Check it out so I'll get some points, haha:
http://philippines.youthsays.com/pyro/waterday
Check it out so I'll get some points, haha:
http://philippines.youthsays.com/pyro/waterday
swot
So I'm going to teach a subject in CAT and ICFE. Oh well. Haha. English is not particularly my strong point, but hey, this is a time for me to work on my weaknesses. Same thing with my work last month - auditing.
After I've worked on my weaknesses, I think I can work better on my strengths. So this experience is all for the best. :)
After I've worked on my weaknesses, I think I can work better on my strengths. So this experience is all for the best. :)
listen
Darling, can you download and listen to Glee's version of Journey's "Don't stop believin'"? It captured exactly what I'm feeling right now. and yes, i so miss you too. :)
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
hanoi chronicles
March 1, 2010
new month, new life?
I'm here in Hanoi, and it's my fourth day here. I haven't done much, compared to a tourist.
What's my resolution? Instead of wasting my time thinking about you, I'll just write about my experiences here in Vietnam.
Feb 26 (Day 1):
I was at the airport whole day. I was so early at the airport. I was already at the boarding area at 9.30 when my flight is supposed to leave at 12.50pm. Haha. PAL has a small meal given to passengers; other airlines wouldn't give any. So ate some siopao and siomai, read the Vietnam handbook, then boarded the plane. A lot of Filipinos going to Vietnam. Plane is quite full although the seat beside me is vacant. Everyone is so helpful coz I couldn't even carry my carry-on baggage! I have my laptop bag, and my stroller hand-carry. Whew! so heavy. 12.50-3pm to Saigon, then 5-7pm to Hanoi. Then people were always talking to me in Vietnamese! I guess I look like one. Then Hong, an AIESEC guy, and Tito Joey picked me up at the airport. He treated us to dinner too at Hotel Hanoi. Service is terrible, but the food is okay. We ate using small bowls and chopsticks. Then he drove me to where I'll be staying. Met Nhung for the first time.
Feb 27:
Rest. I was sleeping, cleaning, and reading books whole day. Had lunch and dinner with my four housemates. Good food. lots of veggies! loved it! No tables and chairs in dining area, just a big mat at the center of the floor, and then there's a big round tray at the center of the mat. We take off our shoes/slippers, sit down whatever position you want, then eat. You can get food from the plates then directly to your mouth, or out it in your bowl first and then eat rice with it little by little. Not western style where you get everything served on your plate and then you eat from there. There's a lot of bonding in the Vietnamese setup, along with a lot of saliva being shared. Hehe.
Feb 28:
Vinh picked me up for a meeting. I realize most Vietnamese wear shoes, not like Filipinos who are always in slippers. BUT they have really really nice shoes! quite fashionable, and stilletos! Just really cute! Wanna buy some! :D
Vinh is a really really cute guy. Haha. Nice outfit too. :)
Then tito joey pciked me up at 6.45pm, then we went to exchange 100USD to 1.8M dong. Haha. Then we went to the supermarket to buy some stuff- coffee, sugar, mug, spoon & fork, toiletries. Haha. Funny. Then went to KFC and he paid for my dinner and ice cream!
My housemates don't seem to use the bathroom a lot. They don't even drink a lot of water! Haha. No glasses of water while eating. But they do eat a lot of veggies, and there's always fruits after the meal.
Had some fruits around 10 pm with four housemates. Just learned I have 5 housemates! Haha. so funny.
March 1:
People here are very much ontime. they can estimate the distance (kms) as well as the travel time it takes from Pt A to Pt B. Really great people!
Vinh picked me up at 8.30am, then to CFM at 9am. He was there all throughout. He's really nice and friendly. I'm so attracted to him. But he's got a girlfriend already, but she's not staying in Hanoi. Ahh great.
Why am i so involved with men who are already attached? Probably because they're the best ones. Well, so what? I got 6 months here. And it would be so fine if he'll be with me all the time.
Maybe he can teach me how to motorbike? :)
I am so excited! :)
Training will start tomorrow afternoon.
new month, new life?
I'm here in Hanoi, and it's my fourth day here. I haven't done much, compared to a tourist.
What's my resolution? Instead of wasting my time thinking about you, I'll just write about my experiences here in Vietnam.
Feb 26 (Day 1):
I was at the airport whole day. I was so early at the airport. I was already at the boarding area at 9.30 when my flight is supposed to leave at 12.50pm. Haha. PAL has a small meal given to passengers; other airlines wouldn't give any. So ate some siopao and siomai, read the Vietnam handbook, then boarded the plane. A lot of Filipinos going to Vietnam. Plane is quite full although the seat beside me is vacant. Everyone is so helpful coz I couldn't even carry my carry-on baggage! I have my laptop bag, and my stroller hand-carry. Whew! so heavy. 12.50-3pm to Saigon, then 5-7pm to Hanoi. Then people were always talking to me in Vietnamese! I guess I look like one. Then Hong, an AIESEC guy, and Tito Joey picked me up at the airport. He treated us to dinner too at Hotel Hanoi. Service is terrible, but the food is okay. We ate using small bowls and chopsticks. Then he drove me to where I'll be staying. Met Nhung for the first time.
Feb 27:
Rest. I was sleeping, cleaning, and reading books whole day. Had lunch and dinner with my four housemates. Good food. lots of veggies! loved it! No tables and chairs in dining area, just a big mat at the center of the floor, and then there's a big round tray at the center of the mat. We take off our shoes/slippers, sit down whatever position you want, then eat. You can get food from the plates then directly to your mouth, or out it in your bowl first and then eat rice with it little by little. Not western style where you get everything served on your plate and then you eat from there. There's a lot of bonding in the Vietnamese setup, along with a lot of saliva being shared. Hehe.
Feb 28:
Vinh picked me up for a meeting. I realize most Vietnamese wear shoes, not like Filipinos who are always in slippers. BUT they have really really nice shoes! quite fashionable, and stilletos! Just really cute! Wanna buy some! :D
Vinh is a really really cute guy. Haha. Nice outfit too. :)
Then tito joey pciked me up at 6.45pm, then we went to exchange 100USD to 1.8M dong. Haha. Then we went to the supermarket to buy some stuff- coffee, sugar, mug, spoon & fork, toiletries. Haha. Funny. Then went to KFC and he paid for my dinner and ice cream!
My housemates don't seem to use the bathroom a lot. They don't even drink a lot of water! Haha. No glasses of water while eating. But they do eat a lot of veggies, and there's always fruits after the meal.
Had some fruits around 10 pm with four housemates. Just learned I have 5 housemates! Haha. so funny.
March 1:
People here are very much ontime. they can estimate the distance (kms) as well as the travel time it takes from Pt A to Pt B. Really great people!
Vinh picked me up at 8.30am, then to CFM at 9am. He was there all throughout. He's really nice and friendly. I'm so attracted to him. But he's got a girlfriend already, but she's not staying in Hanoi. Ahh great.
Why am i so involved with men who are already attached? Probably because they're the best ones. Well, so what? I got 6 months here. And it would be so fine if he'll be with me all the time.
Maybe he can teach me how to motorbike? :)
I am so excited! :)
Training will start tomorrow afternoon.
risky moves
Just tell me one thing - are we just friends?
Why won't you talk to me now? Am i just your "intellectual companion"? Someone you could talk to when you're bored? And when you're busy, you'll not talk to me anymore?
You're still with her. How am i supposed to reconcile the fact that you do care for me (that's why you hate me for leaving, yes?) and that you're still with her?
I've always felt like you do care for me, but sometimes you just leave without saying anything. Just "poof!" and you're gone.
Then we'll talk again as if nothing happened. Like it this way, darling? No consistency, no commitments? I must admit I was the first one to break the consistency. Because darling, I wasn't sure. You haven't said anything, and I thought you're still with her.
I don't want to be embarrassed by asking you directly. We have a lot of common friends, and we move in similar circles. It would be really really difficult to face everyone's opinion about us. But are you willing to take the risk?
Why won't you talk to me now? Am i just your "intellectual companion"? Someone you could talk to when you're bored? And when you're busy, you'll not talk to me anymore?
You're still with her. How am i supposed to reconcile the fact that you do care for me (that's why you hate me for leaving, yes?) and that you're still with her?
I've always felt like you do care for me, but sometimes you just leave without saying anything. Just "poof!" and you're gone.
Then we'll talk again as if nothing happened. Like it this way, darling? No consistency, no commitments? I must admit I was the first one to break the consistency. Because darling, I wasn't sure. You haven't said anything, and I thought you're still with her.
I don't want to be embarrassed by asking you directly. We have a lot of common friends, and we move in similar circles. It would be really really difficult to face everyone's opinion about us. But are you willing to take the risk?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
platonic relationship
i checked your status, and i am so disgusted with myself. Are we just friends, darling? Just friends?
no goodbyes
why didn't you even say goodbye? no goodbyes? and now you don't even want to talk to me! can't you see I need you? And yes, I need to do this darling, not because I don't care for you. I need to experience living alone, doing this kind of things, before I settle down. Before I take on a long-term commitment, which I think i'll have to do later on. Won't you even talk to me and tell me what's wrong?
Or are you indifferent, and I am just imagining all these sick delusional thoughts? :/
I just want to know that you do care for me. Because I care for you, and I want you to be happy. But this darn situation is just a test. Just one more test for us. I had not seen you for 5 months, and it was so annoying that you pretended that it was nothing. And we wouldn't even talk then.
Now that I have left and will be gone for 6 months, can we make it right this time?
Or are you indifferent, and I am just imagining all these sick delusional thoughts? :/
I just want to know that you do care for me. Because I care for you, and I want you to be happy. But this darn situation is just a test. Just one more test for us. I had not seen you for 5 months, and it was so annoying that you pretended that it was nothing. And we wouldn't even talk then.
Now that I have left and will be gone for 6 months, can we make it right this time?
Friday, February 26, 2010
why?
You didn't text me yesterday! You were the only one who didn't text me. And it seems like you don't want to talk to me when I saw you online last night. You hate me?
If you told me you don't want me to go, I would have stayed. Find something else to do. But then, would you still love me?
I saw an FB status msg this morning, and it is so true. I care for you but I don't want to be tamed. Totally against my nature, darling. Running is so much more exciting.
Please tell me what's wrong.
If you told me you don't want me to go, I would have stayed. Find something else to do. But then, would you still love me?
I saw an FB status msg this morning, and it is so true. I care for you but I don't want to be tamed. Totally against my nature, darling. Running is so much more exciting.
Please tell me what's wrong.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
oh no
I was crying in the taxi on the way home. :( this is so embarrassing. haha. oh no, i missed them so. :(
Sunday, January 10, 2010
starting to get ugly
Before everything else blurs from my mind, i would have to record what happened this morning.
I was in a so-so mood when I woke up, with a slight pain at the left side of my face, near the ears and forehead. left at 8.30 i guess then drove to the nearest gas station. Then I drove to the usual route to the bookstores, and when I did the U-turn there was this guy in front of me beside the green car. I thought i was gonna make it, since the guy didn't signal anything whatsoever. Civilians usually help around, especially when they're just standing there. Hit the car, backed up, drove to the bookstore which is like only 10 meters away. Then the guard there wouldn't let me park even with all the space in front of the bookstore free. There were stupid signs like reserved for something - bank, motel, and one for the bookstore's PRESIDENT! What the hell. Good salesmanship, doorman.
I had to drive around twice looking for a parking space. Then I drove home, commuted then taxi back home. There were these who were supposed to guard the cars - parking attendants employed by the city itself I think. They were wearing yellow uniforms (t-shirts).
What a bad day. This year couldn't be worse. I lost my watch last dec., hit a car this month. And I still don't have a job.
I wish to be optimistic about everything, that maybe there's a lesson in all these. I don't mind making mistakes, but not costly ones. I wish I have a nice nice job to compensate for all my errors.
Yes, I ran away from my responsibility. BUt I can't right now. Not now, please.
I was in a so-so mood when I woke up, with a slight pain at the left side of my face, near the ears and forehead. left at 8.30 i guess then drove to the nearest gas station. Then I drove to the usual route to the bookstores, and when I did the U-turn there was this guy in front of me beside the green car. I thought i was gonna make it, since the guy didn't signal anything whatsoever. Civilians usually help around, especially when they're just standing there. Hit the car, backed up, drove to the bookstore which is like only 10 meters away. Then the guard there wouldn't let me park even with all the space in front of the bookstore free. There were stupid signs like reserved for something - bank, motel, and one for the bookstore's PRESIDENT! What the hell. Good salesmanship, doorman.
I had to drive around twice looking for a parking space. Then I drove home, commuted then taxi back home. There were these who were supposed to guard the cars - parking attendants employed by the city itself I think. They were wearing yellow uniforms (t-shirts).
What a bad day. This year couldn't be worse. I lost my watch last dec., hit a car this month. And I still don't have a job.
I wish to be optimistic about everything, that maybe there's a lesson in all these. I don't mind making mistakes, but not costly ones. I wish I have a nice nice job to compensate for all my errors.
Yes, I ran away from my responsibility. BUt I can't right now. Not now, please.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Shakespeare's sonnets
Reposted from http://www.shakespeare-online.com
Shakespeare's sonnets 18, 116, 130 :)
SONNET 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
SONNET 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Shakespeare's sonnets 18, 116, 130 :)
SONNET 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
SONNET 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
no thanks
I don't want a jetski or a kayak; I want someone to talk to, someone's who's going to be there for me.
Friday, January 08, 2010
long long run
I was reading the "The Long Run" again. It speaks so much of missed opportunities and regrets. It's like doing something you know you don't want to do, even in the long-run. But then you can't bring yourself to do otherwise.
And the train left. You're stuck in the station, and it's the kind of train that only goes once, never twice, and if it ever did, it will never pass the original/"supposed" tracks again.
Because we knew, we knew what would happen if we didn't do it. But we didn't know what would happen if we did do it. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth giving up everything right now for something vague in the future - which the two of us alone are responsible? For something that might be much much happier than what we have now?
If you've got nothing to lose, then I guess there's no excitement either. But the risk, the responsibility, the vagueness of everything- in the long run, you'll realize- maybe it's worth a try. Being bored, boring, dull and conventional with life, is probably the greatest price or prize, for not doing what you should have and wanted to do, but was too afraid to take the leap.
I hope you understand. You did try, but I didn't. Because I didn't know.
And the train left. You're stuck in the station, and it's the kind of train that only goes once, never twice, and if it ever did, it will never pass the original/"supposed" tracks again.
Because we knew, we knew what would happen if we didn't do it. But we didn't know what would happen if we did do it. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth giving up everything right now for something vague in the future - which the two of us alone are responsible? For something that might be much much happier than what we have now?
If you've got nothing to lose, then I guess there's no excitement either. But the risk, the responsibility, the vagueness of everything- in the long run, you'll realize- maybe it's worth a try. Being bored, boring, dull and conventional with life, is probably the greatest price or prize, for not doing what you should have and wanted to do, but was too afraid to take the leap.
I hope you understand. You did try, but I didn't. Because I didn't know.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
hey
We're not good at planning, are we? I think it's better this way. Let's just see what happens. Much more fun. :) Be there for me all the way, and I'll gladly do the same for you. Not because I want my attention reciprocated, but rather because I know you want me to.
Friday, December 18, 2009
alone time
My realizations during my meditations:
1. I have this fear of commitments -but once I do commit, there's no turning back.
2. I want a job which has a greater purpose, not just economic/financial; like serving humanity, and contibuting something to give everyone a chance for a better life.
3. I want a job which includes continuous education, learning new skills. Certainly not doing the same thing over and over again.
1. I have this fear of commitments -but once I do commit, there's no turning back.
2. I want a job which has a greater purpose, not just economic/financial; like serving humanity, and contibuting something to give everyone a chance for a better life.
3. I want a job which includes continuous education, learning new skills. Certainly not doing the same thing over and over again.
home
Since I am doing pretty good with my diet and regular reading (especially Maxwell's), I decided to extend my disciplined activities to online and planning behavior.
For now:
No online activities especially e-mails and facebook from Dec 20-25, 2009.
Will not bring laptop home, only my camera and HDD.
Will not bring a planner.
Oh life. How will I face everything?
For now:
No online activities especially e-mails and facebook from Dec 20-25, 2009.
Will not bring laptop home, only my camera and HDD.
Will not bring a planner.
Oh life. How will I face everything?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
mind
I am bored. Honestly, completely bored. I envy people who have jobs, and even those who have tons of problems. At least they have something to do, something to preoccupy them. Because just being alone for a long period of time is frightening. To be with your mind alone is very very depressing. You can control it or you can succumb to loneliness.
God help me conquer my own mind.
God help me conquer my own mind.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
politicians
The politicians are at it again. They are not honest people. With such baggage needed to propel them to their current positions, they can’t help but be liars and thieves and whatever you call those scumbags.
I guess the system ought to be replaced by something different that will align people to their moral and economic objectives. Give those corporate consultants some real work.
I guess the system ought to be replaced by something different that will align people to their moral and economic objectives. Give those corporate consultants some real work.
mine.
It is the sense of desperation that is really murdering my soul. Mine is a free spirit, but to lose the purpose to live is devastating to anyone.
God, please. I received a message yesterday informing me to take an exam today. I mistakenly thought of it as an interview, I didn’t read it properly. As I was already in a vehicle on the way to the supposed interview, I suddenly had the urge to check the message again. And clear as heaven, stated there was an exam which I already took two weeks ago.
I should be thankful, yes. I wasn’t far yet and was able to go back home after a few minutes. I know, I know, everything is under my control – my thoughts, my emotions. I should act based on my own free will, rather than be acted upon. That is why, later this afternoon I should take charge and ask what is mine.
Darling, as good as you are to me right now, may I ask for something more?
God, please. I received a message yesterday informing me to take an exam today. I mistakenly thought of it as an interview, I didn’t read it properly. As I was already in a vehicle on the way to the supposed interview, I suddenly had the urge to check the message again. And clear as heaven, stated there was an exam which I already took two weeks ago.
I should be thankful, yes. I wasn’t far yet and was able to go back home after a few minutes. I know, I know, everything is under my control – my thoughts, my emotions. I should act based on my own free will, rather than be acted upon. That is why, later this afternoon I should take charge and ask what is mine.
Darling, as good as you are to me right now, may I ask for something more?
plans
Darling, what are your plans with me? Am I supposed to be just the friend to which you can confide your plans? Am I nothing else? Because i don't want to stay like this forever.
I was polite, civil with her because we've been introduced. But never again will I communicate with her unless totally, absolutely necessary.
By the way, that was a personal right, non-transferrable.
I was polite, civil with her because we've been introduced. But never again will I communicate with her unless totally, absolutely necessary.
By the way, that was a personal right, non-transferrable.
nothing
Hello darling,
We had dinner, and I'm the only one unemployed. I was talking with some guys, and I had forgotten they were so much more emotionally advanced than me. All I ever know are from the books and movies. Experience-wise, none. I barely observe people and seldom think about their thoughts. Very inconsiderate of me, i know. I'm still learning, I hope you understand.
I don't want to go home with nothing to show. They so believe in me, yet I can't meet their expectations.
I wish you're here. Just here with me.
We had dinner, and I'm the only one unemployed. I was talking with some guys, and I had forgotten they were so much more emotionally advanced than me. All I ever know are from the books and movies. Experience-wise, none. I barely observe people and seldom think about their thoughts. Very inconsiderate of me, i know. I'm still learning, I hope you understand.
I don't want to go home with nothing to show. They so believe in me, yet I can't meet their expectations.
I wish you're here. Just here with me.
:(
Did you ever have this feeling of depression and loss of hope? I feel so miserable lately. I'm not doing anything, that's why.
Please. I want that job. I hope I get it. Because darling, if this lasts for another week, I don't think I can still take it. I'll get anything, work for anything. Just give me something to do that will get me away from here.
Please.
Please. I want that job. I hope I get it. Because darling, if this lasts for another week, I don't think I can still take it. I'll get anything, work for anything. Just give me something to do that will get me away from here.
Please.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
3 things
3 things:
1. yesterday - you asked me to wait for you before I make any more plans, yes? But we won't make plans since they don't happen when we do. As long as you're here, surprises will be greater than any other plan. I'll wait. :)
2. today - it showed that you miss the batch. And you miss me too, right?
3. next year - can you bring me a musicbox, darling? Just like the one we used to play with at that store.
1. yesterday - you asked me to wait for you before I make any more plans, yes? But we won't make plans since they don't happen when we do. As long as you're here, surprises will be greater than any other plan. I'll wait. :)
2. today - it showed that you miss the batch. And you miss me too, right?
3. next year - can you bring me a musicbox, darling? Just like the one we used to play with at that store.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
5 things
My daily The Secret advice said I should start thinking of everything I'm thankful for. Here goes the list:
1. Family- although very dysfunctional. I guess I'm lucky we are a pretty exciting bunch.
2. Education- One of the best ones. so you think I'm a geek? Yeah maybe, I read classics and watch old movies. But they are so much better than the ones we have now.
3. Opportunties- had enough during college. Met you.
4. Social Life- went out with more than a handful of guys back in highschool and college. Not so much of a geek right? Haha.
5. You! :) I learned so much from and with you. I want to change and improve myself, for you and because you believed I can do it. And you want me to improve not because it will reflect on you, but rather you want me to be confident of myself. Thanks darling.
Overall, I think i live a pretty decent life. :)
This takes my mind off my worries. I can't wait to see you! :)
1. Family- although very dysfunctional. I guess I'm lucky we are a pretty exciting bunch.
2. Education- One of the best ones. so you think I'm a geek? Yeah maybe, I read classics and watch old movies. But they are so much better than the ones we have now.
3. Opportunties- had enough during college. Met you.
4. Social Life- went out with more than a handful of guys back in highschool and college. Not so much of a geek right? Haha.
5. You! :) I learned so much from and with you. I want to change and improve myself, for you and because you believed I can do it. And you want me to improve not because it will reflect on you, but rather you want me to be confident of myself. Thanks darling.
Overall, I think i live a pretty decent life. :)
This takes my mind off my worries. I can't wait to see you! :)
conversations
Okay. So my mom thinks i need communication courses. I'm such a killer of conversations; they always end when I start saying something. I'm not a good conversationalist, hence the course. But she probably needs one in temperament and consideration for others. That goes for my dad too.
Darling, I'm sorry I was such a chatterbox yesterday. I should have let you do all the talking, but I just so wanted to discuss some of my concerns. Was insensitive.
It seemed like I was being unfaithful to you yesterday. I talked to him after you went to sleep. But I wanted to clear up everything and smoothen our relationship as part of the moving on process. I want a clean slate so I don't have another skeleton to hide in my closet. There wasn't any kilig factor, I swear. Haha. We are friends, we never ceased to be friends. Yes we did go out in the past, but no commitments. And now, after a long time, I realized it wouldn't have (and will not) worked anyway. So it took us 7 years to get to know each other and move through all the stages with mind-guessing and without commitments. Not a good move, and it caused a lot of anger and heartache on my part (don't know about him). But hey, now it's over and we are still friends. Finally over, this one-sided relationship of ours which takes either side from time to time, and never got together at the same time.
But for you, I'll wait. And take the risk.
Darling, I'm sorry I was such a chatterbox yesterday. I should have let you do all the talking, but I just so wanted to discuss some of my concerns. Was insensitive.
It seemed like I was being unfaithful to you yesterday. I talked to him after you went to sleep. But I wanted to clear up everything and smoothen our relationship as part of the moving on process. I want a clean slate so I don't have another skeleton to hide in my closet. There wasn't any kilig factor, I swear. Haha. We are friends, we never ceased to be friends. Yes we did go out in the past, but no commitments. And now, after a long time, I realized it wouldn't have (and will not) worked anyway. So it took us 7 years to get to know each other and move through all the stages with mind-guessing and without commitments. Not a good move, and it caused a lot of anger and heartache on my part (don't know about him). But hey, now it's over and we are still friends. Finally over, this one-sided relationship of ours which takes either side from time to time, and never got together at the same time.
But for you, I'll wait. And take the risk.
Friday, December 11, 2009
hope
I have a lot of free time in my hands. So, what to do?
1. Looked up for short courses on Culinary Arts. There's an interesting one at Fort. Quite affordable too.
2. Reading books, got lots unfinished. Right now it's Covey's 7 habits.
3. Self study on Urban Planning Course #1 from MIT OCW. They're free, but the powerpoint presentations don't teach you much.
But darling, we're not really good at planning, are we? Might as well take a general direction and go with the flow, believing that the best will come to us no matter what. We'll take our chances with the opportunities that come our way. Doesn't mean we have to be passive all the time. I'm using all of my resources now to get a chance with all the options available. Where I will be accepted, then that's where God wants me to be. At least I tried my best in everything, and He will choose for me. There will be guidance.
1. Looked up for short courses on Culinary Arts. There's an interesting one at Fort. Quite affordable too.
2. Reading books, got lots unfinished. Right now it's Covey's 7 habits.
3. Self study on Urban Planning Course #1 from MIT OCW. They're free, but the powerpoint presentations don't teach you much.
But darling, we're not really good at planning, are we? Might as well take a general direction and go with the flow, believing that the best will come to us no matter what. We'll take our chances with the opportunities that come our way. Doesn't mean we have to be passive all the time. I'm using all of my resources now to get a chance with all the options available. Where I will be accepted, then that's where God wants me to be. At least I tried my best in everything, and He will choose for me. There will be guidance.
Pray
It is so frustrating to wait. Wait for their calls, wait for the scheduled interviews...and wait for you.
I guess i'm prematurely experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I'm unemployed, single, not dating, and has nothing else to do. I can't be like this forever. But hey, can it be any worse than this? It would be fun to see Life try to give me something worse!
Oh Lord, help me. Is there something I have to learn from all these? Is this karma? Do I need to learn how to be patient? Or do I just have to be persistent and look for the Right One for me? I need some divine intervention. Please.
I guess i'm prematurely experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I'm unemployed, single, not dating, and has nothing else to do. I can't be like this forever. But hey, can it be any worse than this? It would be fun to see Life try to give me something worse!
Oh Lord, help me. Is there something I have to learn from all these? Is this karma? Do I need to learn how to be patient? Or do I just have to be persistent and look for the Right One for me? I need some divine intervention. Please.
Friday, December 04, 2009
dear you
you obviously don't care. let me count the ways:
1. you don't reply to my emails. you never did.
2. you seem to forget everything you've promised me, and
3. you are still involved with someone else.
Is this an ultimatum? I guess so. I should be happy.
1. you don't reply to my emails. you never did.
2. you seem to forget everything you've promised me, and
3. you are still involved with someone else.
Is this an ultimatum? I guess so. I should be happy.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
initiate!
I was rude, I didn't ask. I was thinking you'd reply anyway. You should know me that much. I don't like to ask some questions, because darling, I'm afraid of what you'd say.
I know you've read my email.
So, how are you?
I know you've read my email.
So, how are you?
3 things
3 things:
1. Finished all the tasks my Mom asked me to do. Hay!
2. Had an interview, learned how to commute from that company (different route).
3. 2 companies called up- forgot the first one that was supposed to send me the contract through email today. second one is a bank, scheduling me for an exam on friday.
Can i have a 4th? It's you. :)
1. Finished all the tasks my Mom asked me to do. Hay!
2. Had an interview, learned how to commute from that company (different route).
3. 2 companies called up- forgot the first one that was supposed to send me the contract through email today. second one is a bank, scheduling me for an exam on friday.
Can i have a 4th? It's you. :)
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
lovely day
I'm confiding to you almost daily now. You can sense I haven't done much lately. Haha. Well anyway, I have an interview later this afternoon. It is a pretty nice company; i love their business model. I love what they do and why they do it. I hope they can offer me a good training program. What are your plans, by the way? :)
P.S. my previous entry probably showed the worst in me when it comes to relationships. I hope you're not disappointed with me.
P.S. my previous entry probably showed the worst in me when it comes to relationships. I hope you're not disappointed with me.
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Auntie: good advise manoy __. listen to him.