Realizations

It's been such a long time. I bought a book today at my favorite bookstore with all the second (or third) hand books. It's about diaries of women, with excerpts to show their feelings. It's mostly about emotions, and I was moved. I haven't finished it yet, but I intend to. I love my weekends! I have plenty of time to think, and to read! And I love reading, and thinking and reflecting about what I've just read. And these women! They have real emotions, with depth and breadth and with no attempt to pretend or conceal any of it. And I recognize most of them! The dreams, the loneliness, the tempers, and all the little peskiness "normal" people would dismiss as petty.

I wanted to write this entry here, and not in my Steve blog. That was for him, and I have to have my own identity. I longed and still do, long for someone to be able to share my thoughts with. I usually imagine myself talking to someone explaining my side of the story, with my conjured up scenarios wherein I'd prevail as the one more experienced, more interesting, more exciting of the group. Just to be able to think! It makes me think of reasons I would have never thought of just thinking on my own without imagining conversing with it with someone else. And I do long to have a real person whom I can share those imaginary conversations with, with a resulting enlightenment and happiness on both sides. But with Steve, our relationship is still quite new. We are just starting. It may seem as if we have fastforwarded some events as a couple, but I suppose with the distance we are learning how to slow down and get back at the start. So we are starting anew each time, and discovering more about ourselves I hope. I want to learn more about him, but I'm quite afraid that if I bombard him with my personal thoughts, he may be overwhelmed and he may think he should respond in the same way. It might cause him to shut down and remove me completely from his system. And I know I cannot go on without him...at this point, that is. So for now, we'll take it slow. As I am not a person of subtlety and gradualness, rather a person of extremes, with no comprises in between - this is a rather taxing occupation.

I've been thinking what I have done so far since last year. You see, 2009 - I graduated from college, took the CPA board exam, and went to Singapore and Thailand. This year, 2010 - I started and ended 3 jobs, and went to Vietnam. At present, I've come to realize life has been moving so fast. That if I'm not careful of being at "present" and holding on to my dreams, if I'll just let society (not life) move me - I will go on forever living in the office cubicle. It would have been by far, the MOST CONVENIENT way to live life, isn't it? With a nice cubicle, a good job, good environment, steady pay and long-term benefits so you won't worry in the future? Was I living on a payday-to-payday basis then? Working just to pay my bills? Was it all it meant to be an adult? Keep a job to pay the bills, and manage your temper. Days just zoom by, and before you know it, it's been weeks...and months! What have I accomplished these past several weeks? I don't think I have enjoyed the working days half as much than my weekends - where I felt free and limited at the same time. Free to do anything I want, but limited as to time.

Did I quit? Was it considered quitting? I would like to think more if it as Pausing. Trying to stop time for a little while, just to think and see how far I've gone and chart my future. I can't go on just because. I want to be able to dream again, and believe in my dreams. I may be naive, honey. But imagination keeps me alive! I wanted to have and feel that passion again - the passion to do something, feel the love for something. Office job makes me feel dead. It's killing me. Other people are fine with it, some even bloom I suppose. But I don't. It's just not me. I would like to start my mornings with coffee and newspaper, do some reading and writing, and then do (not work as it implies something dreadful and grueling) something I really want to do! Something I'd wake up for!

I don't want a job with only the end in mind. To feel rewarded and happy upon achieving something, and be totally miserable and stressed the whole time on the way to that goal. I heard that Life is a Journey, not an end in itself. I want to enjoy the way, like traveling. It's not just from point A to B. It's the whole trip! Of course we can't have happy moments all the time, as I've also read that you can't differentiate happiness and sadness if you're just feeling one emotion all the time. But we can Choose our general disposition.

And about Steve, have I been making illusions of him as my knight in shining armor? Someone who's gonna take care of me so I won't have to work? I've got all these disney fairy tales in my mind - prince charming and happily ever after. It's like there is a fork in the road leading to 2 narrow paths - 1 successful independent career, and 1 happy romantic marital bliss. Can I have both? Independence as my own person, and Marriage (or Companionship) with my soul mate. Would it be compatible? I have been thinking lately they are quite exclusive of each other, and to choose one would be to ignore the other. Maybe it will work, as soon as I find and develop my own person.

I want to work - doing something I know adds value to the human society, as a whole, as the net effect to everything and everyone in general. Not limited to the family, the country, or whatever group society has demanded service for. I commute to work everyday, and I see the faces of my fellow commuters. They are dead, retired as someone else said. Some are pretty and wear makeup, but most are plain and dull and boring...as if they live a boring life. Because oftentimes a face is a reflection of your soul - with your eyes and the smile. But they look like zombies just going to work because they have to and have been programmed to. Maybe they appear so because they're using the travel time to reflect and think about that day or other issues? But the end matter is...they don't look happy. They look totally devoid of life.

But I want life. I want emotions, passions, expressions! Fine, even tempers! Those goody two shoes girls I met makes me wonder if they have really experienced enough in life to have the depth and breadth of human emotions. Why are they so limited, so controlled? ...so narrow. It's not good to judge people, but it's not bad to reflect about their lives so I'll know what I want and don't.

I like Steve precisely because he's got character, and his own personality. And he reads. He isn't afraid what people might think of him. He's got his own mind, and I think that's what makes one a Man or a Woman. Though he's happy when I take the lead sometimes, with his permission of course. It makes him relaxed. But still, he's his own person and he won't bend for anybody. And neither of us can claim having controlled the other. With guys my age, they seem captivated by me and my mind and whatever it is I've done or planned to do. I have conquered them, and they haven't even conquered themselves.

Quite ironic now that I'm hearing a lot of young women wanting to marry their Prince Charmings, stop working, and live in their castles forever. And this after decades of women fighting for freedom and equality. :)

Sept 13, Monday

Steve,

Hindi ko man lang nasabi sayo ng harap-harapan, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na mahal kita. Andaming pagkakataon pero hindi ko man lang yun nagawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero kung hindi pa panahon, maghihintay ako. Kung tayo talaga, sana marinig mo rin ang tawag ng tadhana.

I must admit, you were more committed to the relationship at the start. I didn't know if it was just so easy for you to be that, or if you're really in love with me. I was so cold and distant. But I was still trying to figure out my feelings as well as how to express them. Honestly, I don't know if it's love, if it's the real thing. But the only thing I know is that I want to be with you forever. And I told you that before, you're the only person I can give forever to.

Mahal, sana masaya ka kung nasaan ka man. At habang ako'y nagsisimula ng panibagong buhay, gagawin ko ang lahat para sa susunod nating pagkikita (kung sakali man), mas magiging maayos at masaya ang relasyon natin. At sana magkasama tayo magpakailanman.

letter to Steve

Dear Steve,

I'm here in Manila already. I just changed my Facebook status as not listed in a relationship, which I might as well do before you delete your account. I really hope you wouldn't though. I want to see some of your pictures in China.

I'm sorry for last night - I should have listened and answered your questions. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time, that you'd laugh at them, and then I'd know that they don't matter to you. I'm sorry for today's calls - I just can't imagine how it's going to be like the next days, and weeks, and months. We've only been going out for over a month, but I hope the notes tell you how much you mean to me.

Thank you for everything. I have no regrets in saying "yes", meeting you, and having fun. I was happy, and I hope you were too. My only regret would be that we were both there for each other when we were planning our next trips, and I was thinking that maybe...just maybe, we could have done something to make it work for both of us.

I remember the Ninh Binh trip with the bridge, the stars, the fireflies, and you. I remember sitting beside the lake, in a cafe, or having lunch/dinner with you in a restaurant. I remember just hanging out with you watching TV in your apartment. I remember you driving all the way to Cau Giay just to pick me up, and later drop me off at Doi Can. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses, your smell, your shirt, everything about you. I will miss your apartment, your motorbike, and all the places we've been to. I will miss the way you hold me, and I will miss your laughter. I will miss you, evil Steve. It's not going to be easy for me, but you were nice and sympathetic enough.

And oh, I think you'd be a great dad. I've seen you with pets and kids, and you love them. Age isn't an issue. You know what? I thought, just thought...that with all those side comments from you, that you were actually changing your mind about marriage. False hope, I guess. I was hoping that there'd be something more. And now I realized what the differences are between dating and bf-gf: Love and Commitment. And we never told each other the L-word. So I'm saying it now - I do love you, Steve. And it will take me some time to let go, and move on. But I will really really try not to contact you again unless you ask. This should be my last, and I really hope I can control myself. I'm still crying, and I've been crying since I called you this morning. It hurts, and I can't help it.

Even though it hurts, still I'd wish on a thousand shooting stars for Forever. But only if you'd be happy too. And I wish you the best in everything that you do.

Love,
Nikki

Reflections on Breakup

Why I had no boyfriend before?

I never liked anyone that much to exert effort in a relationship. I follow my instincts more than I do what my brain thinks. And with you, I was just comfortable - no questions asked. It just felt so right. I knew there was no certainty, but I was still in for the real thing. It was a risk I had to take, and I wanted to take. And I'd do it again if given the same opportunity.

I just want you to know, that even though I knew there was no assurance, that we have to part ways, and there will be changes..I was still in for the real thing.

Maybe it just took me some time to get used to the idea of having you around. Maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other, and that we might misinterpret what the other person is trying to say. Maybe I just didn't have the previous experiences necessary for me to express my feelings properly. Maybe I just wasn't the expressively sweet and loving person you want me to be.

But I just want you to know - that I do care for you, and I wish you the best in life. I hope you enjoy the travels and adventures you will have ahead.

We had a great time, didn't we? We had a wonderful time together. And I don't regret taking the risk. If I had one shot at Mr. Right, I'm going to take the risk. Yes, yes. I will say Yes, over and over again.

You taught me how to love, how to let go. I'm willing to do everything, and fight for something but I have to know that person I'm willing to fight for wants me to do it as well...wants to be won over.

You're a very attractive person, and I am jealous of all the girls throwing themselves at you, while you continue to be the sweet person that you are.

Things I should have told you then:
1. You are attractive
2. You make me happy and contented
3. You make me laugh
4. Yes, you got me!

And I have taken them all for granted

I have to stop being so sensitive. You love me, and I know that! And I'm not helping either of us, or the situation by being so negative. You love me. And I love you. And we will be together forever.

I know the feeling of being grumpy and not caring about the other people. It's been too long, and you are tired. I hope you're making the right decision darling.

I am happy. Because I found someone whom I can give forever to. I thank the Lord everyday, that I met you and I experienced love, which is something you cannot sympathize with unless you experienced it.

What will happen is just a challenge - a test if we are really for each other. Bring it on, Life! I'm ready. If we're not for each other, then somebody else out there is for us. Someone better suited to us. And yes, we shouldn't be sad. We should be happy. Because in the end, everything's going to be alright. Just the way it should be. Just the way God wants it to be. The perfect way.

Breakup Part 3

August 31: The last day in my calendar

We were at the cafe, and you were just trying to hold on to a conversation mindlessly, heartlessly. Just like some colleague at work trying to cheer themselves without their hearts really into it. I can see it in your eyes, in the way you talk, and the way you look at me.

I kept wanting to hug you, but you kept pushing me away. You said it's the same thing over and over again. I was trying to hold back tears, and you kept telling me not to cry. But I kept crying, and I can sense the annoyance in your voice. You said I cannot understand why I'm sad. We had a great time, and it's something we
should be happy about. You cannot understand why it's hard for me to let go and move on.

Me: Would it kill you to hold me back just for a few more days before you leave?
You: -no response-
Me: You wouldn't hear from me again - no texts, no calls, no emails.
You: *shocked* What? I thought we're gonna keep this up - on and off.
Me: What? Merry Christmas, Steve? It's easier for me that way.
You: Okay.

Me: But while we're still here, we might as well be happy, right?
You: Yeah we can still hang out, go somewhere, chat. But it's over. And you know that.
Me: -long pause- Is it over because we're gonna leave soon, or is it because you don't like me anymore?
You: I still like you. -but maybe not as much as before?-
Me: I knew there was no assurance, and I should have been more prepared.
You: You are prepared.
Me: -confused- Yea, time's up. It's in my calendar - August 31. 45..46 days.
You: -surprised- That's it for you? -no idea why you're so annoyed by what i said-
Me: Yes. And then I'll go back to the Philippines, and will try to forget you. Can we go to your apartment one last time? I want to tell you one more thing.

@ your apartment:
I sat on your lap and hugged you. And I won't let you push me away.
Me: I care about you, and I'm happy when I'm with you.
You: Is that all? Were you just afraid you're gonna cry again?
Me: Yes.
You: But you just told me you're gonna forget me when you get back to the Philippines.
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend?
You: -no reaction-
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend? How could I forget my first kiss?...Well,we can't be friends, but I won't hate you either.
You: -shocked again and long pause- How was it?
Me: What?
You: Your first kiss!
Me: Well, we were in Ninh Binh.
You: I didn't ask where, I asked how was it!
Me: I'm trying to remember!
You: You don't have to remember anything!
Me: Great!
You: You're learning!

And then you hugged me, kissed me. And you just transformed into the old sweet, charming Steve that I used to know. And I haven't told you yet that I love you.

Then we had a nice time watching TV, and had a wonderful dinner. A happy evening for us.

Breakup Part 2

Farewell Party:

The only reason that I invited him is because I'm thankful he introduced me to you. I'm getting emotional lately, and I really promised you that I won't be emotional at the party. There was no assurance from the start, we both knew it's gonna be over at the end of the month. It was no surprise to anyone. I knew it from the start. I played it cool the whole time. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now. If it's a game, then I lost. But I took the risk, and I don't regret it.

I have to be smiling at the party. And it really takes an effort every time I'm reminded of the time remaining. When i start crying, you'd tell me gently that when we started dating, we both knew. But you were so distant these past few days. You weren't as sweet as before. So I'm really getting worried. You were so ready to commit before, when we just started.

Breakup Part 1

Let me try to remember what exactly happened for the past week. When we got back from Hai Phong, I told you I was hurt because you kept pushing me away. You kept giving me the "It's hot and I'm sweating" excuse. Days after that, I was the one who initiated most of our dates. I called you, asked you to pick me up, and barged into your apartment.

You were cold and distant, and I couldn't figure out why. When we go out, it seems like you never even want to see me. You don't even want to touch and kiss me. I had the feeling it's gonna be over soon.

We had lunch the day before the farewell party. Before we slept that night, we talked about our breakup. And you gave me your hanky because you said I'm gonna need it.

You: How about it started with a lunch and ended with a lunch? The last lunch we'd ever have. It can be the one we had today or tomorrow or any other day. Or how about 3.33am? Good enough for you?
Me: How about lunch and dinner? Started with a lunch and ended with a dinner?
You: I still like lunch-lunch. The last lunch. It's almost poetic. We'd never know until it's way over.
Me: Okay.
You: Or how about now?
Me: Now?
You: Now? How about now?
Me: Last lunch then.

Darn it. You got me now, and you want to let go?!

I was crying for the past several days, and my eyes are always red and puffy. You said you never understood why I was crying. We had a great time, I should be happy. It's nothing to be sad about. When I say I'm gonna miss you, you say nothing. As if you heard nothing.

Darling

You thought I'd play the game. You thought I can play the game. You thought I usually play the game. Even with that image of me in your mind, I took the risk and refused to back down. You wouldn't have dated me if you knew I'd be in for the real thing, would you?

I'd be the sweet, wonderful, easy-going person you liked the first few weeks of us being together. Because darling, if I've got one shot at Mr. Right, I'm willing to take the risk. And yes, I have to be happy for the remaining days in our calendar.

You are my first boyfriend. My first kiss.

Darling, I just have to tell you that before you leave. Not that I want you to go back to me, but I just want to show you that despite my coldness, my defense mechanism of protecting myself...I really wanted you that much to give you everything of me.

You

I love you, darling. And I haven't even told you that.

Mantra: I am an attractive, loving person and so are you. We are in love. You love me. We will live together forever. We will be happy forever.

Funny

Me: We're going somewhere to meet someone for something.
Him: Who are we meeting? And why are we meeting him?
Me: Him/Her, I don't know yet. Because I need that person for something.
Him: So you need me to be there when you meet this person you haven't even met before?
Me: I don't NEED you. I WANT you to be there. I want your opinion.

Him: Is it a preacher? A priest, or anyone associated with church or any religion?
Me: HUH? HAHAHA! No! Don't worry, it has nothing to do with long-term commitments.
Him: It isn't about long-term commitments! With all those questions about religion you were asking me then!

----
Me: It's a surprise!
Him: I don't like surprises! I already have a lot of bad experiences with surprises, and they usually involve women!
Me: Okaay.
----
Me: Mot...Hai
Him: Hello :)

wired in a different way

Aug 17: First Monthsary

Me: I got my hair cut yesterday, and you didn't notice.
You: I'm bad at that!
Me: I got my legs waxed, AND you didn't notice.
You: OH, I DID!

Wow. :D

Aug 20: thank you for driving me home at 7 in the morning. haha.

Aug 25:
i was taking it seriously. i shouldn't have.
maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other.
for me, it's taking initiative.
for him, it's giving me control.

Sleep-over: I was sick, and although you expressed your disgust over my trash - you gave me tons of tissue paper just to make sure I'd be okay. Thoughtful in some weird way. :)

Aug 26:
If there's a soulmate for everyone, then I've found mine! :)
I just have to look at the really sweet things that he does for me.

Would it?

Would it really kill you to hold me every time we're together? At least for a week before you leave for China?

Dating vs. Bf-Gf

I just realized, the difference would be the "L" and "C" words - Love and Commitment. And we never acknowledged those:

1. No "L" words so far.
2. No certainty about our future.

Am I being too clingy?

Why do I need reassurance from time to time?

1. Because you never really showed affection for me in front of people we know. You never announced it, and you never seemed to see the importance of defending my position or of our relationship. You don't flirt, but you don't defend.

2. You never told me you love me. But I know you care, I know you do.

3. Because I don't know what will happen next. I just want to hold on to you as long as I can, as much as I can, because I don't know until when I can do that. Will I ever see you again?

L-O-V-E

Do you love me, darling?
You've never told me that you do.
With 13 days left in our calendar, I should be getting nervous.
But I'm not.

Do you see a future in us?
We are attracted to each other, you know that.
And I miss you so today.

We've been mentioning those 3 words in connection to other people-
Not us.
We make fun, we make jokes.
Because there's this fear inside us -
Does the other person love us?

you're different!

You - white skin, gray hair, brown goatee, green eyes, and a red tattoo! :)

te echo de menos

I miss you!

After 16 days of seeing each other everyday, today is the first day I'm not going to see you. 16 days! 2 weeks and 2 days! I want to see you...NOW. But I have lots of work to do. And I think we need a little break from time to time.

Do you miss me too? :)

sweetest things

August 5, 2010 Thursday

After my meeting, I tried to call you, and ask you to pick me up tomorrow after my class. There was something wrong with the connection, and our calls always get cut off.

Then I was walking to Hoan Kiem lake, and I passed by a Photo Exhibit entitled "Today's China". It was a decent exhibit - neat, clean, organized, and nothing frilly, but the pictures were awesome. Aside from the title and the name of the photographer, there is not a lot of information. After nearly completing the round, I texted you and you came right over. By then, I already completed 2 rounds, counted the pictures, and written on the dedication board/book. Haha. :) You came over, and I did a third round with you. You also wrote on the dedication book.

Had lunch, and went to a bookstore after. Over lunch, you told me:

1. You got coffee (not 3-in-1)when you did shopping yesterday. You don't drink coffee.
2. Also got eggs (for breakfast - I always have breakfast, and you never do. haha).
3. That I should come over and watch over your shoulder so you'd do all the things you should do - upload photos, etc. That it's a pretty good reason for me to come over.

You want me to move in? Because I really like you, and you like me too! :)

sweetest things

This morning:

1. You said "I love you" in such a whisper, I still doubt whether I heard it right. I asked you again, and you said a different thing. Haha.
2. You said I have to bring an overnight bag next time.
3. You kept asking if I like your place. I do, darling. Yes, I do. :)
4. You said you still have the chocolates in your fridge, and that I've got a reason to come back.
5. You said you'll think about me when you're watching Glee.
6. Indirectly, you're saying you want me to hug you.
7. You asked if I want to stay in Hanoi for another year. What was I thinking when I said No?

I'd rather not say the word

I am not confrontational so I'd rather send you an email rather than talk to you in person. I was rather offended that you think I'd go for money. It is tempting but I already thought about it before, and when a person thinks s/he can have everything s/he wants anytime, that offer becomes less tempting. I can work - I don't need it, I don't want it.

Btw, I posted some pictures of our trip on my FB. And no - there is no indication of you and I are going out as a couple - or whatever we are, I don't know. I am a poor uneducated provincial girl - I don't know the game, nor the rules. I am just a girl who happened to like someone who also happened to think that I'm just in for the fun and treat. Oh wow. We're both bored and we have time. And apparently, you think you have something you can give me and vice-versa - a mutually beneficial relationship.

I do not tolerate polygamy on either side, and I'd be out of the picture if you decide to follow the rule - When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

too attached, too soon

Regarding the decent bathroom in the first guesthouse:

Him: Nikki's happy.
Me (looking at him): You're happy.
Him: See, it doesn't take a lot for us to be happy.

----------------------------------------------------------


I'm happy for the past few days. I love the way you touch me. I love the way you hold me. i should have trained before. My intimacy skills are zero. and really, i want you. I hope you'd be patient, I hope you'd understand. Not that I don't want you, coz I really do. It's just that I don't know how to show you.

I remember last monday night - we hugged for the first time. your left arm was around my waist, and your head resting on my neck. it felt like heaven. not that i know what heaven feels like. but it was nothing like i've ever felt before.

Tuesday night - that slight tug on my waist as i went away. i was saying goodnight and you wouldn't let me go that easy.

2 days without YOU is already driving me crazy - can't do anything, can't sleep, don't even want to start Reading the books, and my concentration is totally out of control! I want you here, NOW! stupid rain.

I just want to finish everything I need to do so I can be with you as soon as I can.

2 days is torture! Why did I even tell you we won't see each other for the rest of the week?

Tue - I told Lyn and Rj about you. I was asking for advice. I want to make this work.
Wed - I told Anh and Jed for FYI only, and Auntie Gie for advice.

And my Mom knows. For some weird reason, she seems supportive!

You

You - Caucasian, at least 6 ft tall, with a goatee and a tattoo. You - are 16 years older than me.

And really, why don't you just come over? I told you last night I don't want to bother you today, and I can't just take it back! I want you here with me, NOW.

Will I last one day without you? Why don't you even call? I miss you. And no, no "L" word for now. But yes, I love the way you hold me. I love the way you hold my hand, I love the way you put your arms around my waist. I love it when we just hug and cuddle together.

First time for me.

Cheesy. I'm getting really cheesy (and touchy!) these days. :)

Mantra: More memories with you. You are here with me now.

Yes, I'd say Yes

We just went out today! Wasn't exactly the perfect date I (or he) imagined, but it was great just being with him or being together.

Lunch
Movie - Eclipse
Chatting in my room

Why am i deliriously happy? :)

Then FB with a batchmate - long one. About her relationship problems - so similar to my pseudo-relationship a long time ago. I enumerated all the things that happened between me and the guy, and how i moved on. She said it was so totally the same - she was the one always initiating, the guy just responds when it suited him, and she'd make excuses for him to herself when he does something disappointing.

I'm really glad i was over that one. Took me years. I learned and realized more when i talked to my friend. And it helped I'm quite happy right now.

The competition was a great distraction. It helped me in a lot more ways than I originally imagined. :)

memories

Another prayer: You are here with me now.

One week, and it really takes a lot of effort to let go, move on, and put all the memories in one little box (or FB).

I see us together - traveling, having fun, living life. :)

Soulmate

The first time I met you, I sensed a connection between us. You were so fun-loving and easy-going. I was attracted; deeply,deeply attracted.

Second time we met, it was awesome how easily we understood each other and we were of the same "wavelength". We love traveling, we don't worry much (at least when I'm with you, I don't), we have the same interests, and we don't BS.

Despite the generation gap, we read the same books, movies, and hobbies. We have similar talents and skills.

We don't have to impress each other, we don't have to impress other people, we don't have to pretend. It was just me and you, and nothing else. I wasn't tensed, except when riding with you. But then, I just want to hold on to you tighter, closer. And I know you want me to.

I knew everything's going to be fine at the very least, and great most of the time.

You're sweet, charming, and a very good person. I hope we meet again.

Mantra: I am sweet, charming, attractive; and you won't be able to resist me. We will travel, and live life together forever.

For you, I can give forever. :)

midlife crisis

I realized I don't like you anymore; you became more controlling of me - my thoughts, decisions, and actions. You told me you abhor manipulative men, and yet you are one of them. You studied behavioral sciences - how come you don't know that nagging and reverse psychology don't work on highly intellectual people?

There is no way you can control me, or tie me down. Simply no way, darling. I'm outta here on September.

You and your friend keep on making passes at me. Don't know if you're both playing with me. But I will refuse to concede. I can play this game. And I'd be leaving 2 broken hearts on September. And I thought men trained in the military have hearts made of steel.

Jack: Steve, Rick: Sam. And Sam and I haven't even met. Poor guys being dissed by their so-called friends. Crappy little bikes? What's with Porches and middle-aged men? Midlife crisis.

money and more money! :)

I never learned how to budget my money back in high school and college. I loved going out, and was always in shopping malls, restaurants and bars all the time.

Now, you'd be proud to know that I'm learning. I'm broke again, for the fourth month in a row. Not really broke, 'cause I'm not negative. I just don't have any cash left. I have enough to pay for the basic expenses until I get my salary on Wednesday.

I smile, and I hope that money will come my way today. Thank you Lord for keeping me alive just to hope.

I don't want to use my credit cards to get a cash advance. I don't think I have enough money to go to a bank anyway.

I don't know what to do. Money's always in my mind. And I really have to learn how to manage my finances. July and August should be fun. I paid all my fixed costs this month, and I just want to have fun.

Back in college, I always had this feeling of having tons of money in the bank. Just a false thought, but I never worried and kept on spending. And of course my bank account sufferred.

But now, i'm learning how to live on so little money. I hope it's healthier, and better for me. I tend to stay home a lot too, since I have no money to spend. But hey, now I just spend most of the time thinking and contemplating about life. I'm more peaceful, I can sense my emotions as I get more anxious and stiff, and try to relax. I'm learning to relax, let go, and forgive myself of the mistakes.

And it happens again and again - I regret spending too much during the early days. It never evens out.

Let me have fun next month. 'Cause I can't wait!

Let's pretend: I have a million dollars in my bank account!

I have a million dollars in cash right now! :)

rules and hormones

i came here to get away from the "rules" i grew up with - corporate, social, financial rules or standards.

i thought - here, I wouldn't make any difference. That no one would care whether i know everything or i know nothing, whether I have something or nothing, that I'm tooooo young relative to something I don't know. I thought there would be no rules.

I was wrong. I just jumped into a society with a whole different set of rules - differet from the previous one, but still - rules, standards, stereotyping.

Maybe it's just me - maybe I can choose not to follow, not to react.

But still, it's the same case the world over - judgment based on economic, financial and social status.

So, what if I'm at the lowest level?

You still want me, do you? Want me, need me. Because darling, you can't find anyone else like me. The odd man (or woman) out.
--------------------------------------------------------------

is it just my hormones, or am i falling for you? oh no. if we can last more than a month, maybe.

--------------------------------------------------------------

why am i thinking more and more of you these days? We've known each other for only 3 months and it seemed forever. 2 more months to go. I'm just lonely, I guess.

Why do the guys don't bring their girlfriends along? Haha. But they like me, so they want me to come with them.

Some people aren't just worth it, so they won't bother bringing them along on a relaxing trip/vacation.

I love these guys.

july

would love to love you.
but it just so happens that you're the only one i see.
july - i have to go out, have fun
this is totally depressing me
july - new haircut, waxing, nails done, shoes, dresses, parties
july is going to be a fun fun month :)

Entries from the past 2

January 7, 2010
always looking for the perfect start for the perfect ending.
what an illusion.
he snapped me right out of it.
Just start somewhere,
he said.

February 28, 2010
wont you even speak to me?
darling i love you, you know that.
what's with cruise control?
don't you care for me?
will you ignore me until i come back?
can't you see im waiting for you?
you're still with her?
don't you love me at all?
i think you care

March 24, 2010
Next month, it will be different.
Darling, there's so much i want to tell you!
I really, really want to talk to you now.
I miss you.
And yet, will you not make it work?
I'm dreaming, when I’m back. will you still love me?
Do you love me now?

for no other reason, i just want to cry.
i am certainly not homesick.
not bored.
i have something to do. for at least 5 more months.
but why am i feeling so helpless? hopeless
Broke?
self inflicted pain.
just depressed. i think i need some chocolate.
i thought leaving, a change of scenery - would me make feel better. Yes I’m free. and worthless.

the lunch food i bought for 30000 dong left a horrible "death" taste in my mouth. i want something sweet, something heavenly.

some people move. some people stay. I’m a mover. make me stay, darling.

March 29, 2010
Stillness
Hi Toni, here's what I read from J. Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted about stillness. "Today, before I make decisions, I will try to listen for God's voice. Today, I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or anger - I will take those feelings as prompts from the Spirit to listen first. In each of these situations, I will ask God, 'How would you want me to respond?'. I will live in stillness."

April 4, 2010
Wedding!

I saw that Yahoo article about pet peeves during weddings, and now I'm imagining my own wedding! What would it feel like to get proposed to, and have a wedding! :)

I would love to have it in a beach or garden. I hope it's sunny and warm. People can dress comfortably (with the assistance of the hired stylists), get a light sunny makeup, and dressed up hair. It would be great if everyone can feel beautiful and happy at the same time. they feel easy, comfortable, and free. Punctuality would be a must. Mass, signing, then pictorials all throughout and a formal one at the end of the mass. Then, reception in the same area. Lots of good comfort food - familiar, healthy, delicious, good-quality. There would be cocktails before the mass, no food during the mass, then full-course after the mass. There would be appetizers, main course; desserts served buffet style with many tables so not much lines. There would be veggies, vegan food, pork, chicken, beef, everything! lots of fruits, chocolates, champagne, and beer. No one is allowed to get drunk. no cocktails, just champagne, soda, water, and light beer.

Everybody can stuff themselves full - easy dining with no fuss for the formal table manners and clothes. Then they can watch the video of the guests afterwards and there will be games for everyone - kids, teens, adults, oldies. Lots of dancing too! cake will be delicious and served during the dancing, with champagne. Ahh desserts. Everyone should dance. garter and bouquet as a game for the single adults.

So much love and comfort. If beach, then people can go swimming afterwards. Souvenirs will be sent through mail - photos and a little thingy. A hundred guests will be enough - just close family and friends.

Gosh, i want to attend a wedding like that. Afternoon to evening would be perfect. 3pm-4pm mass. at 5pm,reception will start at sunset.

April 26, 2010
Third week of April, 2010

I know I'm supposed to be here. Everything keeps pointing this way. All the arrows- all of them - even the maps and directions I've asked ages ago - are pointing this way.

But I still have no idea- aside from my personal development, what else is in here for me?

I guess this is the time to fix myself up. And there will be no escape or exit route for me this time. I have to fix myself and work on it. Really, really hard.

Part 2:

Darling,

How come you're not here with me? I've tried to put a face on you. But no - it escapes me. You're like a myriad of characteristics of all the men I've ever met and interested in.

I am not lonely. It's just that things aren’t working out as well as I thought it would be. And I want to move away - escape from everything. Stat all over again, and leave all the mess where it started. But I know, some way or another, all the messes I've left and escaped from - will come back to me in the most haunting way. And I'm afraid I can't face them all at the same time, and all by myself.

I just want you to know, that whoever you are, please come and help me. I just feel like crying and darn, I hate it. I've been stuck up in this room for days - sick physically and emotionally. And most are psychological anyway. I want some excuse to be excused from all the normal ordinary work that haunts me now. Darling, please come over and rescue me before I start getting angry. Everyone and everything is normal - with the usual ups and downs. But why do I feel this way? Maybe it's just that I haven't really mastered the art of dealing with the unfortunate situations.

I've been wanting to get into therapy - to talk to someone. What are the chances I'll be living with someone who got a degree in psychology? I'm meant to be here darling. All arrows are pointing this way. But I'm not ye sure wh/ But I'll do everything I can - fix myself, grow, develop into a more mature and charming person.

April 27, 2010
This week

Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.

I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?

I remember random things we talked about:

1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.

2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.

Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. What a pickup line.

April 27, 2010
YES

Yes, I know intercultural marriages are now very common. But people are still very judgmental about it.

I’ll tell you what. If you are just somewhat younger, probably my age – I’ll respond. But darling, you’re a nice person and I do recognize the signs:

1. You remember everything I said - the food!
2. You care
3. You want to see and talk to me all the time
4. You kept making all these excuses to see me and be with me. And oh, your classic pick up lines.
5. Chocolate? You wanted to kiss me. You need a girlfriend.
6. Breaking your diet? Hah. I know better.
7. You’ll do everything for me. You don’t want me to leave.

But I’ve got an amazing self-control, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, you couldn’t control yourself, right? Beers and rushing to your bedroom? You just left me in the kitchen? You’re not like that.

I’m a tease. And you’re my friend. And that’s all there is to it. I’m giving you hints – you’re older than my parents, my friends (guys), guys I want to date - no marriage, etc. You have to know, a lot of guys feel the same way as you do about me. That’s why they kept wanting me to settle down with them. I can make a connection with anyone I want to have one. See? They’re not coincidences. All these guys – they feel like I’m their soul mate or something. One I really particularly liked, and would have introduced him to my parents had he not suggested it in the first place.

But you – you’ve been through everything I wanted to do. Now your life is quite stable, you’re all settled now – ready to settle down and get married. But me? I want a fast-tracked life with all the fun and excitement. We are not meant to be together. We are just friends.

You think I’m holding back my feelings? I always maintain a certain space between us. Cause I know it would be a trigger for you. You’d feel something much more stronger if I touch you, see? That’s why I avoid even just touching you. But yesterday, i just had to call your attention. and we did. And it’s a mistake. At least last night, we realized how different we are.

I’m not that pretty for men to always fall at my feet. There are always several men that I also like but seem to have very strong feelings.

I’m so messed up right now. I don’t know how to face you tomorrow. We really need to talk.

As you have said, women have internal loser radars. And we have this attraction radar too. After a few days or weeks together, I can somehow “read” a guy’s mind and get in sync with his life. I’m quite flexible, if that’s the case. But they’ll never have me. Never.

Entries from the past 1

July 5, 2009
The Secret

but isn’t being happy now sends signals to the universe that you like what you have now when in fact you want bigger grander things?
or should we pretend a lot?
Feel good. be happy then ask for what you really want.
be positive. be optimistic. believe everything will turn out fine. everything will turn out exactly how you wanted them to be.
Good friends, great family, my soul mate.
we transcend boundaries. God is energy.
but feeling good translates to doing good? - conscience is the check mechanism
people have different tastes, wants and feeling happy

July 17, 2009
I learned a new word (or phrase) last March 7, 2009 in Singapore.
"home-court advantage"

July 31, 2009
Complexities

With the popularity of personality development courses, people are becoming more aware of how to act and speak which will impart to the receiver what the message the speaker or doer wants conveyed.

But then, in the process, they are becoming more and more aware of the power- the power to manipulate people. Sincerity is left out- as people study how to read and show the nonverbal gestures/body language that will impress the receiver.

Somehow i wish that they would just speak and do what they really want, within the bounds of civility and etiquette. I think the moral foundation of the rights and wrongs- a person's ethics code, coupled with sensitivity and understanding- is enough to guide him on how to converse and relation with other people.

Pretense should be dead.

August 1, 2009
Darling

You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
undercurrents rise us above everyone else.

If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?

People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.

To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize how much I've lost

You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, with your help, show you
how much I care about you
Because darling, I don't know how.
---

But I will try to learn.
I will, even if I have to fail several times over.
And then I will be ready for you.

November 15, 2009
Dear Universe,

I really want my UPEACE scholarship and a nice job with good salary and work for the months in between.
I really want to travel this year - free, someplace different.
I love my family, please let them be nice, honest, and loving.
I am going home for Christmas, and take him with me.
Lord, Thank you for everything.

3 things

Thank you for:
1. this job and opportunity to travel
2. for having a supportive family and friends
3. for the capabilities I have right now :)

fb clean up

Had this sudden urge to clean up my FB with regard to my second life here. Paranoid? Instinct? I think I'm being watched, was or will be. In any case, i've been a little lazy lately. Should have been more aware of what other people will think of me. I need them, for now.

I wanted my wall to be "me" - with all the memories and emotions attached to the pictures, and in every single thing I say. But i send messages instead of wall posts. and delete wall posts in less than a week.

darn clean-up. I hate to let go, but it's just like breaking up and moving on. New lease (or leash?) on life. At least for once, the people I care about, have seen the real me even in glimpses.

HN House #2

Will be staying here for the next 5 months. I'm living with a Vietnamese family and another transient, a middle-aged American who travels a lot in a motorbike. :)

I love my new room - with aircon, tv & dvd player, desk & chair, cabinet, and ala-theatre curtains! :D
Bookshelf with his things and mine
My desk
Bags and a really nice cabinet! :)
My new room, previously Ms. Trang's brother's room. But he's studying in Shanghai now, so it's rented out. And there are some movies and music in DVDs and CDs left in the room. They're classics! :) Bach, Beatles, Cannes movies. :D
Nikita & Trang in Trang's room

Nikita's last night. She stayed here for a month, went to Sapa for 2 weeks, then a few days here, and she's leaving the next day for NZ, hoping to get a job in the mountains.
Trang's new mug! :)

Easter Sunday

With my housemate, Jack -also a Catholic.
A free Easter egg from the church! :)

Tour with Jack

With my housemate, an American who can speak Vietnamese.

He said I gotta stop being so que. Haha. que = from the countryside = probinsiyana! okay, I really am probinsiyana. but well, i think i passed the vodka mixing test. haha.

Funny, since he's touring me around and speaking Viet to the locals, while I'm the one Asian and who's often mistaken for a Viet! Haha. :D

Went to his favorite cafes - Viet, French, and other Western types. He always gets a beer from every place - restaurant, pub, bar, whatever you call them. Lunch at Kangaroo cafe (owned by an Aussie), cakes at Paris Deli (French chef?), then Sofitel Metropole (French architecture) for vodka during the happy hour.

People-watching - lots of tourists on the cyclos, and backpackers with their lonely planet books & 1-liter bottles of water. :D

old Viet restaurant - he said they used to serve good food. no longer. haha.
View from the resto
Jack again haha
Kangaroo cafe. there are quite a lot of fake ones. haha.
some other cafe i forgot the name. he got a beer.
lunch at Kangaroo.
arrabiata. no black olives?
NOTES AT THE TOILET! haha it's unisex so there are notes for boys (2) and girls (1), and for tourists (1). The owner must be really mad at his customers. Haha.
Very narrow house with a gallery at the first floor
Ice cream- funny, not smooth, but flavors are okay :)
drunk tourists- there were four of them. one with a hat, backpack, and a bottle of water. Another with a glass of bia hoi.
they were probably looking for something, but it seems like they were trying to pick a fight with the locals.
really drunk
vendors from the countryside (que)
market
Le Pub - french. he got another beer.
fake kangaroo cafe #1
fake kangaroo #2
Opera house and an accident
the accident as mentioned in the previous picture
Paris deli for the cakes
blueberry cheesecake for him
black forest for me
my seat
press club
Sofitel Metropole
at the hotel
vodka at the hotel

B52 Crash Site

I was feeling really sick, and I had canceled all my classes that day. But it was such a nice sunny day after weeks of cold, wet weather, so Jack took me out for a ride late in the afternoon to see the B52 crash site. It was less than 10 minutes drive from our place. Thought it would do me some good to get some fresh air, as my room had this sick atmosphere already.

The US fighter plane (bomber) was fired down by the Vietnamese army way back in the 1970's. According to Jack, the army used women to target the planes as they are better shooters than men - and I agree. Haha. If given the chance, we really do shoot better - we're calm, and fire straight at the target. But women don't usually care for guns, anyway. :)

He got some ribs for snack. Excuse for some needed protein.

Ethonology Museum & Hoa Lo Prison

Ethnology Museum again, with Jack this time. He hasn't been there before. But he claims to have seen some of the featured tribes in his motorbike trips. Haha. I'm so excited for our motorbike trip next weekend!

Then we had lunch at a Chinese fast food near our house.

Hoa Lo Prison or Hanoi Hilton (sarcastic nickname given by the prisoners) in the afternoon. The Maison Centrale is just a small portion as most of the area had been converted to apartment buildings known as Hanoi Towers. Classy, hotel-like condominiums with a really nice supermarket inside. Jack said there are occupants who claim seeing ghosts. No wonder, with all the prisoners who died in the prison.

tomb
tomb of a tribe who's really crazy about fertility
Tall house. Lots of tourists since it's a holiday.
Hoa Lo Prison
Some prisoners escaped through a sewer
sewer escape
inside the prison
where they chop the head off
Hanoi towers right beside the museum
Inside the Hanoi towers - resto at 4th floor.
It's a really great family-friendly restaurant. It's big, and there are areas for everyone. They've got a big screen TV and another LCD projector screen showing some sports game where some foreigners were watching. Hanoi towers is mostly for expats, anyway.
He wanted some fresh spring rolls. I was eating my chocolate bar.

motorbikes

I rented a Honda Wave for my next 3 months here for USD100! Basically, tires are my responsibility but all other repairs especially the engine are the owner's.

Well, I know it's scary but I can't go on riding buses and xe-oms/taxis until the end of my term here. I know I need to learn how to drive, and the first step is to get one. I've delayed it long enough. :)

Jack brought home his new Minsk bike last night, which he bought for USD200 last Wednesday. He sold his old Minsk for the same amount last Thursday - drove it up in OQ, and sold in 5 mins. Minsks are WWII-technology motorbikes made in Russia.

Honda Wave semi-automatic! I like small, light bikes; certainly not the big, butt-heavy, small-wheeled ones.

It doesn't have a big butt like the Vespas, in which the seat often serve like a car's trunk. But the owner got a raincoat for me under the seat! Yey! And yeah, it's missing one side mirror. Should put more air on the tires, and a mirror. But people often drive without one. :)

Btw, ang gwapo pala ng bike ko! Haha
Jack's old Minsk
Jack's new Minsk - taller suspension

moorbike trip

Left Friday morning, returned Tuesday afternoon

With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.

2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!

Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)

to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike! haha. yeah, everyone's staring at his bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!

At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!

Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.

Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha

Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.


Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)

stop nagging!

June 10:
i am not playing the pretend wife today

June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.

1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.

So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.

2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.

June 9, 2010

I don't fit your criteria of a friend or an interesting person, yet you "like me"? And you're inviting me to the motorbike trip on September that I am clearly not suitable at.

I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.

June 6, 2010

Dear Diary (or Bloggy),

Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.

So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??

Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.

Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.

Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.

Nevermind

Oh well, forget it. I'm not gonna edit it to please certain people. I'm gonna lose my individuality if I do. I want them to be personal to be shared with people I care about, and interested about. They will see the real me, and I hope they will accept me as I am.

cleaning up

Today, I'm going to clean up my FB - make it less personal, less interesting, and more general. I was so focused on a certain group people. But now I have to face the possibility that other groups of people may be looking at my profile, and so I have to edit it to be more "decent" and "presentable", without them thinking anything offensive or suggestive about their own "groupmates".

Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)

over beer and whisky

Highlights of the drinking session last night:

1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.

You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.

here.now.

I need you now, darling. Really. This week started like hell, and I wish it would just end. But i can't deny there are a few little moments of happiness.

But i wish you're here, and we can weather any storm together.

herbivores

http://www.slate.com/id/2220535

funny!

yesterday

Yesterday morning:

an expert at subtlety - you always make me think if you're using as one of your metaphors again, any of the subjects we're talking about to represent our situation.
Are you reading me again? my body language?
darling, you might think I'm playing with fire with you.
I don't know about you, but as my record will show, I'm not the one who always gets burned.
are you studying me all the time?
you love me, don't you?
1 week and you're already attached.
we're less than halfway, darling.
and you're already worried about being dumped.

Last night:

We talked for 3 hours. Am I just a friend, or am i now more like a girlfriend, or even a wife? Haha. We live in the same house, have breakfast and/or dinner together, chat for hours, update on our lives, and plan the future.

My guy friends usually accuse me of being a jealous girlfriend, when I'm not - and they have girlfriends. Haha. Sometimes I can't just help it - maybe I act more than a friend should be. But still, 99% of the time - it makes us closer. They see it as a sweet, thoughtful act, and maybe just like a little sister throwing tantrums when ignored. But sometimes I get carried away, and them too. But I always back out as fast as I can, and they're left behind. Not that I want to; it's just because I feel it's not right.

I was wondering last night how it would feel to sleep in your arms.

He's mine.

I really want that cat. He's the one for me. I've been thinking about it for some time, you know - getting a pet. I want a pet that will respond - not a fish or a turtle or a bird. A dog or a cat would be great. And it will be a nice training for me in taking care of someone or something. I'll get him tomorrow, no matter what. He or she, it doesn't matter.

---------------------------
Funny moment:

Him: But you'll just dump him after 2 months. Animal Ethics.
Me: 3, I'd be here for another 3 months. What??
Him: Then, you'll dump him after 3 months.
Me: It's not dumping. I'm just giving him to someone else!
Him: That's still dumping him. They get attached, you know. You have to take care of them forever. [was it really the word "forever" again?]
Me: No. [referring to dumping; not attachment]
Him: Trang is probably okay with it, but her parents won't be. And they're gonna move to the countryside after a few years. [retirement]
Me: Huh? Then it's dead by then.
Him: Depends on how old it is.

------------------------------

Is it just a way of playing a role? Is the cat a kind of metaphor? Darling, when I say something, you don't have to over-think or over-analyze. I'm not like Ernest Hemingway; what I say is what I mean - not an iceberg, no 2/3s underneath. Call me shallow, tactless, stupid - I don't care. If it gets the point across, that's my only responsibility. If you over-think and think the wrong thing, then it's no longer my fault.

And oh, a little update - we're both moving out on early September. Haha. Funny, funny how our schedules coincide. My plan was already fixed when I arrived, yours wasn't. Darling, i know you just can't leave me. You don't want to leave me.

training for something

June 3, 2010

my mom is telling me to get a job which promises a good work experience - or should I say the most gasgas word in job hunting history - good "training". Haha. I'm at a total loss, what am i supposed to be training for? Something that will back up my degree, or something that i want to do in the future? Maybe i should... start planning my career (and life) direction, and saving up for retirement. Yey. Haha. :)

Uncle: too early and too young to be planning for career and retirement .let it come to you.enjoy what you have now .how about visiting us again.you and the boys will have alot to share about careers.love you.

Auntie: good advise manoy __. listen to him.

charming, lovely community

Amusing things here:

1. Grocery store in the diplomatic area with a cafe next door with the same owner. Foreign books at the cafe in all sorts of languages; left by customers perhaps. People can borrow (just get any book from the shelf), and just return them anytime. No issues whatsoever. It doesn't matter, and everyone's cool about it.

2. Bookworm -if you buy something here, you can sell it back for 1/3 the price. good english books are hard to come by, that's why people would just rather like it rotate in the city than leave the country. And it's so interesting to find a myriad of books of different eras. Haha.

3. Xe-om drivers - they remember me, and the places where I usually go. No more bargaining, same price all the time.

4. Market - everytime I go out, I say hello to the babies with their grandmothers in the alley. I pass by the pineapple lady and smile, say hello. Pass by the xeom drivers, say hello. Into the market, and say hello to the tomato man and the fruit lady. Fruit lady's always offering me the dragonfruit, which is Jack's favorite and not mine. I never buy that fruit, although I'd eat it if it's there. Haha.

5. Pharmacy and sari-sari stores across doi can -they know I can't speak the local language, so they're more helpful and accommodating. And they no longer mind me just hovering inside their stores looking hard for something. In other stores, people follow me around and keep on asking what I want. But when they know me already, they just let me be. Haha.

I feel like I'm part of a community, which I'd never felt before in a larger scale.

off to neverland

Last week, we were at the Perfume Pagoda. This week, Trixie's in Japan, Lisa's somewhere, and Mia's probably in Philippines now. I feel so down, like the loser in a group. We were never been a group of friends, just people who stuck together for convenience and 'cause it's the best way to do it. But it was fun.

Life should be great. Life is great.

private thoughts, private intentions

We were discussing a medical condition wherein parasites live in the body, and how to prevent such thing by taking a tablet of Fugacar.

Him: You've never taken any (he was assuming). You're not going to be a very attractive girlfriend.
Me: But I don't want a boyfriend.

-----------------------------------------

You wanted me to say something in your defense.

Your age - that you're not too old.
Your body - that you look great.
Your bike - that you're the coolest guy in town.

Darling, I'm a rebel at heart. I will not say/do anything that people expect me to say or do. I know you want me to compliment you or whatever. I'm scared of the effect. For me, it would be normal. But I don't know how you're gonna take it.

We have an entirely platonic relationship, right?

You said you like me, that you really really like me. And that you'd kill anyone who's gonna hurt me. And that you don't like a lot of people. I took it in the friendship plane. I'm having my doubts now. I don't think we were thinking in the same level.

You've been putting the other guy down - acting like a 15 year old, reckless, girly bike, girly ways, what else? 'Cause you're jealous. You can see I really like him, and that we hit it off immediately. Chemistry? No problem.

And I wasn't exactly responding to your advances, right? No comments, no flattery. You don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm gonna do, and my reactions would be. So sorry.

accomplishments

What have I accomplished so far (January-June 5)?

1. MJN- flowcharts project on tax cycle, fixed assets and purchasing
2. FA 1 book - student's workbook, teacher's manual - answer key and transcript, CD tracks
3. 2 CS classes

Ongoing:

1. 2 FA/B classes
2. Learning to cook local food
3. Learning Spanish and Viet

Should do one every after half-year. Will review at the end of June.

fixed costs

why i'm pretty cash-tight (read: will be broke in a while) this month:
1. paid for my 3month visa which cost nearly 200USD
2. paid room rental until end of August
3. paid bike rental for 3 months until end of August
4. vacation and tours last month
5. new phone and SIM, and lost cash last month

At least, all my fixed costs for the next 3 months are covered. Only the variable expenses then has to be monitored, or controlled, which is exactly my problem. I can't say no to eating out and having fun. Haha.

direction

my mom is pressuring me to get a career (and life) direction, get a job with good work experience or should i say the most gasgas word - "training". but i'm at an absolute loss, darling. training for what? what am i supposed to be training for?

with my college friends working for auditing firms or as MTs in MNCs, now I look like I'm the only one naliligaw ng landas. But why does everything right now feels so right? Not perfect; life isn't perfect - i have my own share of troubles. But I feel so at home.

note

note to self:

when something bad happens that is out of my control, i'd say: shit happens
when i made a mistake or a wrong decision, i'd say: charge it to experience

a lesson

Learning for the past 3 months: It's N-O, or count to 10 and it's STFU. Both with a smile, darling. :)

proposals

After several minutes of him talking about my future career and where I'll live and what I'll do:

Me: You're planning my future again!
Him: 'Cause you're not doing it!

-----------------------------------------------

i lost count on how many times you've proposed marriage or any long term commitment, indirectly. The night we had some beer (wednesday night), you defended yourself over the issues i knew i offended you over time - motorbike trip, paranoia, keys, etc.

I know i offended you, and i'm sorry. You defended yourself, i understand your point, and can we now just forget about the whole thing? I'll be more careful the next time i talk to you.

Next time.

-----------------------------------------------

At the resort, you were already pushing me to someone else - you'll set up a dinner for the two of us, you complimented the guy, and already planned my future with him (that Shanghai wouldn't be so far from Japan.) A few days later, you changed your mind and decided again that you want me for yourself - that the other guy is not as good as you. So two nights ago, you criticized him; even saying that he's acting like a 15 year old. Haha. You're jealous, dead jealous. But you can't show it, darling. You don't have the right. We don't have any commitment, and no exclusivity for that matter. And I, can do anything as I please.

risks

It's not because of my age, or the it's "too late" part. It's the perception. I thought that by just being here, quitting the usual "career path" and doing something different, that I'm different - that I'm taking risks an average person wouldn't do. But apparently, for him, it's nothing. I didn't know there are groups of people who'd never even bother talking to civilians. And me? I've never been in a war. I've been brought up with pop culture and MTV. Just like any normal person my age, I guess; even though I think I'm better off than most people I've met because I've been exposed and self-educated with some real stuff - good literature, music, and ideas. I know what's crap, and what's great. I read books that are far more than just for entertainment. I thought that was enough. But for him, it's nothing.

According to a chinese proverb, he said, "to be an adult, a person should have experienced these 3 things - poverty, war, and love." So I'm practically an infant then, if that's the definition of adulthood.

> thanks sir denis! you're a mentor through and through. :) yes, i won't believe in everything he says - to each his own, i guess. although the fact remains that he was a psychologist in the west, and he fought in the middle east. i insisted that he tells me his own conclusion of my life, and he did say that he broke every rule of the profession for that.

forever part 2

Him: Saying that I'm paranoid [about being careful with everything] shows that you're naive.
Me: Well, at least I know that I'm safe when I'm with you.
Him: Yes, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Me: I know.
Him: But if ever someone hurt you, I'd kill them straight off. If you're with (name of other person who's a little bit reckless), you'd be f*cked up.

.........
Him: So, how would you like to stay here in Hanoi forever?
Me: Huh? Forever?
.........

Darling, there's no such thing as "forever" for me.

home

Darling, i want to go home. now. I want my friends back. I want people I can talk to. I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather leave first than be left behind. It always makes me cry.

The scientist

Thank you so much for doing everything for me. I really appreciate it that you're always there for me. I'm grateful for the "family" I have here. But you don't have to feel obligated. Sometimes I feel you care too much for me.

1. How can I ever repay your kindness?
2. You're not interested in me, are you? 'Cause I've seen some people do that for me, and they are. I don't know how I can return the affection, when all I can offer is friendship.
3. Feedback. Should I have done better?

You cooked for me, thank you so much. Why didn't you tell me that they don't know how to cook it the way I wanted, and I could have ordered just any other dish. It won't matter so much, you know. You're always a gentleman, serving me all the time, and now you tell me you're leaving in a few months?

I'll try to remember everything that happened. But it all went so fast, then I got scared. I remember our breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinners together. You always made it a point to come home for dinner right after your work, so we can talk together until the late hours. Coffee we love to have in the morning, lasting for 2 hours at the least. We always had long talks anytime we bump into each other, which isn't hard considering we live in the same house. And then you started talking about marriage, that you had dreams that you'll marry in 2 years time. I still remember telling you that 2 years is not enough time for a woman to be prepared for a wedding, and you said you'll take care of everything! Then you did the palm reading in which you advised me to be open to relationships and be more passionate in life. That I was holding myself back. When I asserted that there is no one currently for me to hold back from, you said there might be someone and that I never know for sure. That maybe I only needed someone who can take care of me. And for weeks, I noticed you were always pointing out the "bad" qualities of some husbands, and that you're different, that you're nice. Okay, and you're really vain about your body. Haha. Physical fitness and your muscles, darling? We spent weeks talking about marriage, couples, and the future. At the start, you planned for my future, and even "our" future!

Then last week, before the trip - we went to a restaurant for lunch. You called me and asked me if I wanted to go for lunch. We already had lots of "semi-dates" before that - going to different places all over the city - museums, parks, restaurants, everything! And you were always giving me advice in everything.

Last week, I introduced you to my uncle - which happened to know a lot more about what I need to know than whatever you can give me. And sometimes I let slip my former lifestyle with above average wealth. Did you give up? That I really don't need you as much as you thought before? That I have enough of my own, and the reality is different from what you've imagined?

For the past weeks, I've been saying that I don't want to get married at all. Last week, I told you that if I ever got married, it would be someone a little bit older than me and that it would be someone from the Philippines. Did I just turn you down?

Last week, I met your friends. We had fun, didn't we? We had our own house, hideaway, a pet dog, and we just stayed together the whole day.

You should tell me directly, you know - what you want and how you feel. And even I have a hard time telling you about how I feel right now - that I'm scared, but I'm really thankful that you're here.

We're drifting into that mood of "please say anything so that there won't be any silence, and that the other won't have to start talking about his/her thoughts and feelings, and the unspoken but felt issues between us". Remember that weekend that I was pissed off the whole time? I said sorry after, and you tried to be super nice to me. You gave me materials and all that stuff - making amends of what?

You're a great person, but I hope that's it. Can we ever go back from the start?

Over the holidays

One annoying thing during the trip that kept happening again and again:

You see, Rick and Jack speak fluent Vietnamese, and Steve & I don't. When the two talk to the locals like in buying food or petrol, the locals would look at me and start talking to me. Sometimes they're not that polite, and are nearly screaming at my face. As if they need me to translate whatever Rick and Jack told them. They can understand them if they just look past the white skin. And they had to tell the locals every time to stop talking to me 'cause I don't speak Viet, and they can perfectly understand Rick & Jack. Some apologize, others don't. But we've always gotten what we wanted in the end, so they really understood them from the start. Momentary shock with these Westerners speaking the local language, i guess. They don't talk to Steve, since he obviously looks like a foreigner. As these guys all pointed out, I don't look like a Viet, I'm distinguishably a Filipina. But I look Asian, and for these people, I guess it equates to Viet. Sometimes Steve would say: "They're talking to her again, and she can't understand them." 'Cause I was facing in the opposite direction, oblivious to all the Viet people talking to me (or shouting at me!). I guess I learned how to shut them off my mind. Haha.

oregano

Had lunch at a new restaurant - good, not excellent. won't go back there again. it's average in manila. Haha. But it's quite rare here, i guess.

I really have to talk to him tonight and straighten things up. It's just that I'm not good at confrontations. Really have to clear up everything.

I'm good at controlling my positive feelings, but not my negative emotions. :)

friends?

Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.

I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?

I remember random things we talked about:

1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.

2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.

Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. That if I just take chances, I'd do the right thing. Take chances? of what? And he said, see, if i would just open myself to opportunities. or in what i can remember, he means if i just consider some things as opportunities and not categorize them as "cannot be".

What a pickup line. or lines, I should say. Repeated again when I went to his bedroom to ask for something. I wasn't flirting. I was being friendly.

Friday:
We went to a museum, had lunch, another museum, grocery, then home. like a date. i was eating chocolates. He mentioned chocolates produce better effects than kissing. then he bought a lot of chocolates on the way home. he ate everything. *he was trying to substitute chocolates for kissing?*

then we planned for the next day.

Saturday:
i went to a museum. he texted me for dinner, called several times. we went to a mall, grocery, then coffee, then we had a nice dinner at the buffet. great. best meal i've had. but dull conversations. i avoided saying too much to him that day. i mentioned the boys though. i was even feeling a bit sick and tired. I knew i was acting kinda distant. then we went to the night market, and the jazz club. we realized then that we were different. I wanted to go somewhere he doesn't want to, dance and party all night. we went home after the bar thing, and then he got some beers and immediately went to his room. he left me in the kitchen? i was getting some tea, for goodness' sake. he knew i wanted to chat for a while.

was this day like a second date?

Consolation:
Good thing we split the bills. I never have to carry the guilt feeling.

Sunday and Monday: we didn't see each other. Which is great. Space is what we need.

I just wanted friendship. Why is it so hard with these people? Men, whom I'm usually stuck with.

scared

Part 2:

I was saying that Trang's gonna marry this year, he's gonna marry in 2 years, and me in 10 years. And Trang said something..

Him: ..but you see, 10 years is a pretty long time.
Me: Huh? But I'M gonna marry in 10 years! YOU'RE gonna get married in 2 years! *What's your issue with my 10-year plan?*

And there was also something like cooking and trying to impress someone. And when I asked him why I should want to impress him, he made some excuse like trying to be helpful for my training to my future husband. Haha.

This morning, he made some comments about me marrying some primitive person. Haha. I recognize those signs - teasing me and suggesting partners for me. And yet, even with all the teasing, I know that they're gonna do everything for me. I know they love me. Essentially, they all make the same signs.

They try to make suggestions through teasing like - you're not gonna get married, or you're gonna be an old maid, or you should marry the next guy who'll propose because you might not get another. haha. darling, i know when a guy likes me and loves me enough to propose- but just scared to do so, because they're not sure if I love them back.

But you know, I'm just scared. I'm not sure I can trust them so it's pretty difficult for me to really accept it and commit to someone.

reason why

I'm really confused right now, darling.

I know i'm supposed to be here. All the signs are pointing this way. And I feel totally at home. There's no doubt that I made the right decision coming here. The things happening aren't just coincidences - they are meant to happen. The reason why I'm here, however, is what I don't know.

See, I've realized the following after having a talk with a friend last night:
1. I don't like the corporate life because it's too confining or restricting working in an office environment with all the cubicles, work hours, and policies.
2. I don't like my current job because I don't think I'm good at it. And low pay doesn't make me feel any better either.
3. I always try to move away if things don't go as good as planned. Or you can say, I try to escape the mess I'm in.

So, I think I have some idea now why I'm here:
1. Fix myself - emotionally and mentally - my plans, my attitude, and how I face temporary setbacks in life.
2. Have fun. Learn how to relax.

What are the chances, darling?
1. I've read that if you stay with police people, you don't have to do much paperwork. And I do now. I just learned about it that they're part of the police.
2. A housemate with a degree in psychology? I had wished for ages to talk to someone professional for some kind of therapy. Even informal.
3. A family. They are really nice and I like them. It feels so much like what a home should feel like.

I gotta fix myself. I was so messed up when I left the country.

forever?

These aren't the exact lines but they capture the essence:

He asked about my plans, and I told him I don't have any yet. My plan is only good for the next few months, and it's not even sure.

Me: So what are your plans?
Him: Forever?
Me: No! (*totally bewildered*) Just for this year!!!

> Gosh. What's with FOREVER? I'm living one month at a time, one week at a time, ONE DAY at a time. And then of course, he told me he wasn't sure yet. and I think it was then that he told me he's planning to get married in 2 years. Not planning, but he can feel it. Haha.

Me: you FEEL that you're getting married in 2 years?
Him: Yeah. Have you ever had that feeling? Like a gut feel, and if you don't follow it, it's going to be bad luck. I've had it for the past months - dreams, thoughts, you know.
Me: Yeah, that's why I'm HERE.

>I don't mean it that way! I was only saying I'm here in this country because of gut feel, like this is the one path for me at that time (and until now). But not in relation to his marriage feeling. HAHA.

take it slow

"Corbett was perfectly charming; it was inevitable that he should go on being charming to the end of the chapter. It was equally inevitable that she should go on being in love with him; but her love had undergone a modification which the years were not to efface.

Formerly he had been to her like an unexplored country, full of bewitching surprises and recurrent revelations of wonder and beauty; now she had measured and mapped him, and knew beforehand the direction of every path she trod. His answer to her question had give her the clue to the labyrinth; knowing what he had once done, it seemed quite simple to forecast his future conduct. For that long-past action was still a part of his actual being; he had not outlived or disowned it; he had not even seen that it needed defending.

Her ideal of him was shivered like the crystal above the miniature of the warrior of Chancellorsville. She had the crystal replaced by a piece of clear glass which (as the jeweler had pointed out to her) cost much less and looked equally well; and for the passionate worship which she had paid her husband she substituted a tolerant affections which possessed precisely the same advantages."

- excerpt from The Lamp of Psyche by Edith Wharton


This is what happens when a woman suddenly "figures out" her partner. Their relationship changes. It differs from the Twilight case in which the lead was attracted to the lady because he can't read her mind. When you figure someone's character, you can predict what they will think and say. It is entirely different from being able to read what someone else is thinking at the present moment, when that person is already thinking about whatever it is.

Then it becomes so predictable and boring. It is not just because you can already predict their thoughts and actions, but rather you can now see the narrowness and limit of their personality. This will result to disappointment and boredom. Really.

I've met guys who are non-losers but bordering on the losers' group. They were smart, nice, straight-arrow men. Good in school, but you won't know about the future because after-school or career is entirely different. There is no laid-out plan. But anyway, these guys, they have good jobs now & vacations, girlfriends, hobbies/sports, family, etc. The usual. Are they interesting? At first. But then it tends to get boring after. You see that after a while, they have nothing new to offer. Maybe I was impatient. Only a month, and I think I figured them out. Maybe a few more months, and deep conversations we would be able to find it each other more interesting, exciting. And then create new memories, experiences to share with each other.

To my future Prince: I hope you take it really slow but please assure me all the time that you love me. I will panic when you start asking about my plans, and meeting my parents. Please wait when I'm ready.

the signs

Dear Diary,

I think he's in love with me. Let me count the ways, darling:

1. He's too protective - doesn't want me to do a lot of things he deems risky
2. He asks about my schedule, and always says "see you" when hell, we're living in the same house.
3. wants me to meet his friends and vice-versa
4. wants to go to the country
5. plans my future and sometimes "our" future
6. keeps saying "we"
7. doesn't want to tell his age and wouldn't ask for mine - afraid it would burst the bubble or pose a threat/issue
8. compliments me almost daily
9. would talk to me for hours, and abandon his work/gym or anything he was planning to do
10. being a total gentleman - opens the doors, lets me in first, etc

I hope I'm mistaken, though. But all the signs I usually see in the opposite sex (my age most of the time) are present. I had to find a way, so I asked for everyone's birthday. I really wanted to know the birthdays so I wouldn't miss a special day. But I wanted him to know that I'm less than half his age. He's even older than my parents! He kept avoiding that fact.

It took only 2 weeks. 17 days tomorrow. Even the first week already had an effect. I only wanted a friend, a companion, a buddy - someone that will have my back if something happens to me in this foreign land. And I'd do the same for that person too. But I got more than I bargained for, I got a family and someone who treats me so well it scares me so.

Just one thing, though - we split the bills. no monetary indebtedness. haha.

2 weeks passed. 21 weeks to go. :)

my housemates

I'm renting a room on the third floor of the house of a Viet family, and an American is also renting a room on the second floor. He's really nice, friendly, and decent. He's well-educated and well-traveled. He's a good conversationalist, and I'm always at ease with him - no tensions, no pretensions, no anything at all. It's a good sign; it means I'm happier and more relaxed these days. And we spend hours talking during mealtimes - breakfast/brunch, lunch, dinner. I have yet to know if he's smart and witty enough to handle things he hasn't encountered yet. But with his age, it's hard to find anything he hasn't dealt with before. But sometimes yeah, I'm more adventurous on some things. He absolutely forbids me to take the xeom. And I get some things done more easily and faster. I got the brains, he's got the experience (& brains too i guess). Haha. It gives me some security though, that as we get closer and are friends now (can't avoid since we see each other almost everyday)- that someone will be there for me if anything happens, that he's got my back, and he knows everything that will make it easier for me. And that he will do everything to help me, if I ever get into trouble. Although i think he's a tad too protective, and really cautious.

I think he's a bit older than my parents too. So I'm less than half his age. Haha. It's quite amusing, meeting people and making friends from different backgrounds and different age groups. And although locals probably think negatively of a young Asian woman walking around with a much older Caucasian man, i honestly don't care. It's fun hanging around with him, and I'm learning a lot. I really think he cares for me, but he won't tell me his age. Haha.

turn-ons

so what do I like in a guy?

1. Smart, conversationalist, sociable: good talker, not boring, has some decent sense of humor.
2. Ma-diskarte: a characteristic that will assure me that we will be able to handle everything that comes our way.
3. Passion and ambition: to succeed in life (no lies & crimes, please)
4. Neat, clean, presentable: decent looks and hygiene
5. Really loves me.