starting to get ugly

Before everything else blurs from my mind, i would have to record what happened this morning.

I was in a so-so mood when I woke up, with a slight pain at the left side of my face, near the ears and forehead. left at 8.30 i guess then drove to the nearest gas station. Then I drove to the usual route to the bookstores, and when I did the U-turn there was this guy in front of me beside the green car. I thought i was gonna make it, since the guy didn't signal anything whatsoever. Civilians usually help around, especially when they're just standing there. Hit the car, backed up, drove to the bookstore which is like only 10 meters away. Then the guard there wouldn't let me park even with all the space in front of the bookstore free. There were stupid signs like reserved for something - bank, motel, and one for the bookstore's PRESIDENT! What the hell. Good salesmanship, doorman.

I had to drive around twice looking for a parking space. Then I drove home, commuted then taxi back home. There were these who were supposed to guard the cars - parking attendants employed by the city itself I think. They were wearing yellow uniforms (t-shirts).

What a bad day. This year couldn't be worse. I lost my watch last dec., hit a car this month. And I still don't have a job.

I wish to be optimistic about everything, that maybe there's a lesson in all these. I don't mind making mistakes, but not costly ones. I wish I have a nice nice job to compensate for all my errors.

Yes, I ran away from my responsibility. BUt I can't right now. Not now, please.

Shakespeare's sonnets

Reposted from http://www.shakespeare-online.com

Shakespeare's sonnets 18, 116, 130 :)

SONNET 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

SONNET 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

no thanks

I don't want a jetski or a kayak; I want someone to talk to, someone's who's going to be there for me.

long long run

I was reading the "The Long Run" again. It speaks so much of missed opportunities and regrets. It's like doing something you know you don't want to do, even in the long-run. But then you can't bring yourself to do otherwise.

And the train left. You're stuck in the station, and it's the kind of train that only goes once, never twice, and if it ever did, it will never pass the original/"supposed" tracks again.

Because we knew, we knew what would happen if we didn't do it. But we didn't know what would happen if we did do it. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth giving up everything right now for something vague in the future - which the two of us alone are responsible? For something that might be much much happier than what we have now?

If you've got nothing to lose, then I guess there's no excitement either. But the risk, the responsibility, the vagueness of everything- in the long run, you'll realize- maybe it's worth a try. Being bored, boring, dull and conventional with life, is probably the greatest price or prize, for not doing what you should have and wanted to do, but was too afraid to take the leap.

I hope you understand. You did try, but I didn't. Because I didn't know.

hey

We're not good at planning, are we? I think it's better this way. Let's just see what happens. Much more fun. :) Be there for me all the way, and I'll gladly do the same for you. Not because I want my attention reciprocated, but rather because I know you want me to.

alone time

My realizations during my meditations:

1. I have this fear of commitments -but once I do commit, there's no turning back.
2. I want a job which has a greater purpose, not just economic/financial; like serving humanity, and contibuting something to give everyone a chance for a better life.
3. I want a job which includes continuous education, learning new skills. Certainly not doing the same thing over and over again.

home

Since I am doing pretty good with my diet and regular reading (especially Maxwell's), I decided to extend my disciplined activities to online and planning behavior.

For now:
No online activities especially e-mails and facebook from Dec 20-25, 2009.
Will not bring laptop home, only my camera and HDD.
Will not bring a planner.

Oh life. How will I face everything?

mind

I am bored. Honestly, completely bored. I envy people who have jobs, and even those who have tons of problems. At least they have something to do, something to preoccupy them. Because just being alone for a long period of time is frightening. To be with your mind alone is very very depressing. You can control it or you can succumb to loneliness.

God help me conquer my own mind.

politicians

The politicians are at it again. They are not honest people. With such baggage needed to propel them to their current positions, they can’t help but be liars and thieves and whatever you call those scumbags.

I guess the system ought to be replaced by something different that will align people to their moral and economic objectives. Give those corporate consultants some real work.

mine.

It is the sense of desperation that is really murdering my soul. Mine is a free spirit, but to lose the purpose to live is devastating to anyone.

God, please. I received a message yesterday informing me to take an exam today. I mistakenly thought of it as an interview, I didn’t read it properly. As I was already in a vehicle on the way to the supposed interview, I suddenly had the urge to check the message again. And clear as heaven, stated there was an exam which I already took two weeks ago.

I should be thankful, yes. I wasn’t far yet and was able to go back home after a few minutes. I know, I know, everything is under my control – my thoughts, my emotions. I should act based on my own free will, rather than be acted upon. That is why, later this afternoon I should take charge and ask what is mine.

Darling, as good as you are to me right now, may I ask for something more?

plans

Darling, what are your plans with me? Am I supposed to be just the friend to which you can confide your plans? Am I nothing else? Because i don't want to stay like this forever.

I was polite, civil with her because we've been introduced. But never again will I communicate with her unless totally, absolutely necessary.

By the way, that was a personal right, non-transferrable.

nothing

Hello darling,

We had dinner, and I'm the only one unemployed. I was talking with some guys, and I had forgotten they were so much more emotionally advanced than me. All I ever know are from the books and movies. Experience-wise, none. I barely observe people and seldom think about their thoughts. Very inconsiderate of me, i know. I'm still learning, I hope you understand.

I don't want to go home with nothing to show. They so believe in me, yet I can't meet their expectations.

I wish you're here. Just here with me.

:(

Did you ever have this feeling of depression and loss of hope? I feel so miserable lately. I'm not doing anything, that's why.

Please. I want that job. I hope I get it. Because darling, if this lasts for another week, I don't think I can still take it. I'll get anything, work for anything. Just give me something to do that will get me away from here.

Please.

3 things

3 things:

1. yesterday - you asked me to wait for you before I make any more plans, yes? But we won't make plans since they don't happen when we do. As long as you're here, surprises will be greater than any other plan. I'll wait. :)
2. today - it showed that you miss the batch. And you miss me too, right?
3. next year - can you bring me a musicbox, darling? Just like the one we used to play with at that store.

5 things

My daily The Secret advice said I should start thinking of everything I'm thankful for. Here goes the list:

1. Family- although very dysfunctional. I guess I'm lucky we are a pretty exciting bunch.
2. Education- One of the best ones. so you think I'm a geek? Yeah maybe, I read classics and watch old movies. But they are so much better than the ones we have now.
3. Opportunties- had enough during college. Met you.
4. Social Life- went out with more than a handful of guys back in highschool and college. Not so much of a geek right? Haha.
5. You! :) I learned so much from and with you. I want to change and improve myself, for you and because you believed I can do it. And you want me to improve not because it will reflect on you, but rather you want me to be confident of myself. Thanks darling.

Overall, I think i live a pretty decent life. :)
This takes my mind off my worries. I can't wait to see you! :)

conversations

Okay. So my mom thinks i need communication courses. I'm such a killer of conversations; they always end when I start saying something. I'm not a good conversationalist, hence the course. But she probably needs one in temperament and consideration for others. That goes for my dad too.

Darling, I'm sorry I was such a chatterbox yesterday. I should have let you do all the talking, but I just so wanted to discuss some of my concerns. Was insensitive.

It seemed like I was being unfaithful to you yesterday. I talked to him after you went to sleep. But I wanted to clear up everything and smoothen our relationship as part of the moving on process. I want a clean slate so I don't have another skeleton to hide in my closet. There wasn't any kilig factor, I swear. Haha. We are friends, we never ceased to be friends. Yes we did go out in the past, but no commitments. And now, after a long time, I realized it wouldn't have (and will not) worked anyway. So it took us 7 years to get to know each other and move through all the stages with mind-guessing and without commitments. Not a good move, and it caused a lot of anger and heartache on my part (don't know about him). But hey, now it's over and we are still friends. Finally over, this one-sided relationship of ours which takes either side from time to time, and never got together at the same time.

But for you, I'll wait. And take the risk.

hope

I have a lot of free time in my hands. So, what to do?

1. Looked up for short courses on Culinary Arts. There's an interesting one at Fort. Quite affordable too.
2. Reading books, got lots unfinished. Right now it's Covey's 7 habits.
3. Self study on Urban Planning Course #1 from MIT OCW. They're free, but the powerpoint presentations don't teach you much.

But darling, we're not really good at planning, are we? Might as well take a general direction and go with the flow, believing that the best will come to us no matter what. We'll take our chances with the opportunities that come our way. Doesn't mean we have to be passive all the time. I'm using all of my resources now to get a chance with all the options available. Where I will be accepted, then that's where God wants me to be. At least I tried my best in everything, and He will choose for me. There will be guidance.

Pray

It is so frustrating to wait. Wait for their calls, wait for the scheduled interviews...and wait for you.

I guess i'm prematurely experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I'm unemployed, single, not dating, and has nothing else to do. I can't be like this forever. But hey, can it be any worse than this? It would be fun to see Life try to give me something worse!

Oh Lord, help me. Is there something I have to learn from all these? Is this karma? Do I need to learn how to be patient? Or do I just have to be persistent and look for the Right One for me? I need some divine intervention. Please.

dear you

you obviously don't care. let me count the ways:

1. you don't reply to my emails. you never did.
2. you seem to forget everything you've promised me, and
3. you are still involved with someone else.

Is this an ultimatum? I guess so. I should be happy.

initiate!

I was rude, I didn't ask. I was thinking you'd reply anyway. You should know me that much. I don't like to ask some questions, because darling, I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I know you've read my email.

So, how are you?