i am a little desperate..a bit desperate to move on, move out and leave this place.
i cannot, with all the patience and tolerance that i have, stay in one place for too long. nor be with the same people for a long time. it tires me, bores me, and makes me sick and irritated with everything and everybody. i need a change of scenery every now and then, to reflect and to forget. i never had a best friend perhaps because of this. i see people in the best way i can. i approach people with the best intentions. i easily make friends, draw them closer than what others can do. and then there is the wall. i do not easily reveal secrets, and i prefer concealment than lying. i am a terrible liar; the best i can do is put on a poker face and be silent. and my friends will reach the limit, and i cannot draw them closer anymore, nor do i want to.
i feel so...neglected lately. was it my fault then, that i was so secretive and do not participate much in conversations? maybe it's true, that indeed i am a loner. im okay being alone, unlike some people who need companions most of the time.
up to last year, i always thought i can get along with any person, at least from the start. up to last year, i thought i have enough patience to tolerate the need to stay with any person for some time. turned out i was wrong big time. as months went by, i realized i was alone in my little world. i have always been a spectator rather than a particpant in anything. people i love to watch. but to interact is a diferent matter. most of the time they come naturally though.
what i have been saying might be contradicting. i do get along well with people especially those i talk to the first time, but these are those whom i met several times before. but any closer and any newer will probably make me nervous and edgy.
they never do seem to understad me. their way of thinking is different from mine. and though they are accurate most of the time, the narrow mindedness and limitations of the way they think annoys me.
my communication skills are not good, not as good as them. i cannot make them comprehend my ideas, thoughts. they think im stupid so most of the time i just leave them alone until they were able to realize or think on their own what i have been saying or what was obvious for a long time.
they probably do not intend to bully or annoy me, but their teasing on certain matters really gets me. sometimes i pretend i do not hear or see them. i pretend that i did not understand them, just to prevent any more damage on my part.
it tires me so to be in this state. and it depresses me more. i wish i could go out. transfer and move away, before i break somebody else's neck.
