Mrs. Anerton

read "The Muse's Tragedy" this morning.

intellectual comrade? a new concept yet so familiar. why am i playing all the roles of wharton's women?

i pride myself that he involves me in all his important decisions, out of habit and because we suit each other - not because he loves me. i hope i don't end up like Mrs. Anerton, who at middle-age realized everything she missed in her youth. It is because he didn't love me, it is because I never got what I wanted, that I wasn't able to move on.

--
I always felt with pride that the other girl passed on to you (as well as her previous one) after I was done with each of you. But I was the coward, wasn't I? She tried, she loved and received something in return. I, on the other hand, lived on illusions, on what-ifs, on vagueness. There
wasn't a start nor an end, sort of like a fleeting moment which you only depend on fate whether to move you forward or not. It's like a period of "let's see where it goes" and if nothing happens, then one can easily exit without any reproach from the other person; no guilt - you didn't promise anything.

Yes please, I'll give it a try with everything attached to it - the time, the attention and the commitment. I will not settle again for a fleeting moment, i'm willing to risk friendship. I will be brave enough to swim through deeper waters. I will emerge victorious or I will drown; either way I moved. I will no longer be playing in the shallow waters darling. An ultimatum (how many times have I said this before?) has to work for me; it must.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

This morning, I finished reading Wilde's Dorian Gray - about a corrupted person who was always seeking pleasure and not happiness. An innocent, sweet-faced young man who was poisoned by a book.

--And I realized, from reading Wharton and Wilde- aside from the usual standards, I want someone who leads a more exciting, more interesting life than me. So I guess I like men who are a bit egoistic - who won't tolerate liking, loving, and living with a person who is more interesting (or less dull) than they are. I want someone who's got an ambition, a passion for life. Not fleeting passions for pleasure, but a life-long passion for happiness, that will keep us from becoming dull and conventional. I want someone who will live life with me - we will travel the world together, overcome obstacles, and love each other more every single day. It is such a romanticized view of the future, but I will persist.

So, Am I Dorian Gray? Lord Henry? or Basil?

Dorian Gray

They just don't feel right, you know.
As if they're just part of the learning process I have to go through..
And not my destination.
Well, that's life anyway-
A journey, and not something you'll arrive at.

3 things that made me happy today:
1. I finished reformatting and reinstalling my sister's laptop. Took me one whole day!
2. I'm reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's amusing and tragic at the same time. Lots of new philosophies, ways of looking at life. Giving me a new perspective on dealing with things. Lots of realizations. Dorian Gray - new subject matter after ethan frome haha
3. Happy times at home. No worries except for a few petty ones.

Why are people so confusing? Maybe I should learn not to overthink, over-analyse or try to be sensitive of other people's feelings. I don't get them right, and it's just not me. You're better at this, you know. :)

applications

Have pending applications in at least 4 companies. Wouldn't hurt to try.

Oh by the way, sir offered to send my resume to SCB's HR. Apparently, the HR manager is a friend of his. He sent it yesterday. I told him you may be interested but that I won't bother you while you're on vacation. We''ll talk about it when you arrive, yes?

I'll try to be more offline these coming days. Starting tomorrow - will check mail only twice a day. Will try to get out more. Haha. Been fixing my sister's laptop since yesterday. Was so bored waiting for all the installing and downloading that I had to be online most of the time to prevent sleeping.

November 4 - turned down 2 companies; last day for sending online applications
Nov 5 onwards - wait for pending applications :)
Dec 5 - decide :) :) :)

waiting

I miss you darling. I hope you're having fun wherever you are. No use being miserable in circumstances we can't control.

I have lots to tell you!

First, I cancelled my application to the two companies I've applied. I have decided to wait for the results of my scholarship application. Now we're back to the original plan. I've been so bored with no deadlines to meet or exams to study for, that I've wanted to hurry things up. Wanted to fast forward everything. Now I think I should learn to be patient, and wait. But I have an interview in another company on the 19th. I want a company who can take me for just four months (Dec-Mar).

Second, the other scholarship I've been eyeing is no longer open. So I guess I really have to wait for you to decide.

Third, I have a party this weekend. I'll send you an invitation later even though I know you can't come. :)

I can't make them come sooner. Haha. I'll wait for you.

process of learning

i'm learning-
that there's a lot more in this world,
there's so much more i can do,
so many oppotunities,
that i only have to be aware of them.

and i'm learning not to be insecure,
when i see people who are-
prettier, smarter, wealthier, more educated
-better than me in certain aspects
or maybe all.
i'm learning to learn from them,
and make myself a better person. :)

I learned to:
1. be aware of my insecurities
2. face them rather than turning away or ignoring the causes
3. assess the differences, and try to apply them in my life.

sure, theoretically i know them already. but to actually do it? Haha.
I'm having a hard time but i'm determined.
I know I'll learn. and i'll be so much happier then.

fb

with that networking site,
i'm hooked (but not so much as the others),
torn, and it's giving me more than my occassional bouts of insecurities.
i always feel like i'm such a boring person,
compared to those who post a lot.

do you ever feel that way, darling?
I'm happy with my life now (will be happier with you though haha),
trying to make the best out of everything and anything that comes my way.
Then I log on, hoping to be updated of my friends,
but then I end up feeling so miserable.

Ah, the false beauty of pretentiousness.

out of sync

So much for timing, darling. Haha
I'm awful terrible at that;
although sometimes I can sync myself with another person.
I just need some time to adjust. :)

3 things on a sunday

3 things:

1. budgeting:
downloaded some free budgeting programs and decided on which one to use. Planned out my budgeting strategy which will be implemented this november. It's going to be a clean fresh start; still waiting for some of my accounts to be debited/credited. zero out by november. learning something! :)

2. sonnets:
Shakespeare's first 3 sonnets are so into procreation. It's like he's saying the only purpose women are here is to aid in reproduction. amusing :)

3. relaxing: :)
i watched transformers 2; will watch gi joe tonight. clearing up my mind these days before i go home. i'm so excited to go home, not really to be "at home" but rather i just want to do something different or i think i just need a change of scenery.

-didn't go to church. lots of people there and it's going to give me a headache, plus it was so hot outside. will attend a mass tomorrow after PRC/PICPA registration. And oh, i sent my resume to ING last friday. Think maybe they'd call this week? :)