Move on

Do you like yourself when you are with him?  When you were with him?  Were you always so irritable, so ugly, so annoyed?  Even though you couldn't explain it.

Nothing is wrong with you or the other person's.  It's just nature's way of saying you don't belong to each other.  Quit this madness and move on.

happy

I want to be happy again. Without thinking or being pressured to do things I don't like.

Weddings and past relationships

I met you again at the wedding.  I am 20 pounds heavier now, and you gained maybe just 10 pounds. I felt so giddy, so excited to see you again.  I gave you a music box, one that reminded you (us) of Singapore.  I thought you wouldn't remember, but you did.  You said - like the one in Singapore?
I didn't reply.  That gift is for chatting with me the entire time in college, Vietnam, and Canada (except when I had boyfriends because I try to make them my priority and my new bestfriends but it didn't work out. apparently, friendships takes years).  You were always there for me especially when I needed you the most. I tried to forget you, you know.  Because I know it will be hard for you to break up with your long time girlfriend, so there is almost zero chances of us being together.

The boys were all over me. They came to me, and kissed me on the cheek, really made me welcome.  Their girlfriends, however, are not really my friends.  Just hi, and nothing else.  At 3 pm, I had to leave, and said goodbye to the groom and gave him a music box too.M---- made an effort to say goodbye.  It was too fast. I wasn't able to say goodbye to you, to P--- and to our other friends.  I should have taken a few minutes to kiss you all goodbye, to thank everyone for all the good times and memories in college, because I don't know when I will see you all again.  For several days before the event, I was already imagining how I'd be, what I will say, what I will do when I see you all. But I was not able to do all of those at the wedding.

Anyway, I had a great time talking to the person who drove me to the wedding.  There was no dull moment, and it was so easy discussing everything with him/  Because we already know each other somehow, so it was just flowing.  The entire time we were at the church, he kept discussing with me how he wants his own wedding to be - no hassle, less traditions, more socials, less expenses.  We pretty much agreed on everything - except for the dining tables.  He wanted cocktail tables and no sit down except for senior citizens.  I wanted a relaxed vibe but with tables.  No church wedding, cutting all expenses in half. It's so strange but it feels nice and familiar, but I guess this is how friends are. It's nice to be with friends, and people that think similarly.  I wish it was at least like that with my ex.

Have to sleep now.  I have a few regrets.  I should have been more lively, but I was better now than before. I was more at ease, more comfortable with people, and I think I actually looked better and enjoyed myself better than most of them. They're still so conscious with themselves.

To my ex-boyfriend, my ex-fiance, the one I left behind

You probably wouldn't understand, wouldn't understand why I was tired of you, of us, of myself when I'm with you, and it's my fault, honestly.  I did not communicate well with you.  I did not try.  I got tired, lazy, let it go so often, lost myself, became annoyed at myself, and now blaming you.

I am sorry for everything.  I gave all of myself to you, which was so wrong.  I thought that's how relationships should be - giving, sacrificing.  I gave all of me to you which I was not able to do with my first relationship.  I thought that will make you stay, and want me, and not leave me. I thought it will make our relationship better, last a lot longer than the first one I had.

I was wrong.  I should have been myself and not pretended to be anyone else.  You often complained I was not that open to you, like it seemed that I was not comfortable with you.  I really was not comfortable with you, and I'm sorry.

I wish I had the courage to break up with you earlier, or take things slow, or be myself more so we could decide if we are really compatible.  I am sorry it reached this point, that I have to back down on our engagement.

I was afraid.  I was afraid I'd be making a mistake, that I will not find a kind, generous man like you who will love til death, I was afraid to be alone and face other people who will ask why.  I was afraid I didn't do enough, that every time I miss you means I love you and I should get back to you.  I was afraid to face the consequences and the entire healing process after a break-up.

I have nothing else to say. I cared for you, I care for you, and I am sorry.  You did nothing wrong, and that's the worst part.  I have no reasonable explanation to myself and to other people, why I decided to be single again.

I am sorry for everything.  You deserve so much better, someone more honest with her feelings.

Wrong priorities

Doing all the routine things, I have no more time to do the things I really need or want to do.  I try to do all the little things first thinking after I have done all of them, I will finally have time to do the big things, but then it never happened.

Been doing this all my life.  Never learned.  I thought that I shouldn't sacrifice my routine tasks, but things pop up so often, I end up doing endless little tasks.

Cafe

I want to set up a cafe, a library, a quiet nook. not for board games, not for noisy people. Just jazz music and books, and extremely good coffee. Relaxing ambience, soothing colors, lots of good books. Big enough people will have some privacy when they talk.

It will interesting artifacts from different countries and local items. Nothing fancy. Just cozy. Good books, good food.  And with a bulletin board for possible charity work too.

work

Finally!  I brought my PC and swivel chair to my bedroom so I have no more choice but to work when I need to. Haha.

I guess this is it. Tons of things to do, but excited to finish them now. I forgot what I was supposed to write.

Steve, I don't think you'll ever email me again.  Maybe you got too scared that I wanted to marry you. Anyway, I changed my mind again. I don't think I want to get married now. I just want someone with me, like a partner in life. Or is that called marriage?

Save towards vacation!

I am saving towards a good vacation now, a very long vacation.  I am hoping that by the end of this month, all my debts are paid off including my insurance.  I am hoping that I will be able to save a lot more this month, this year, until the end of May.  On June, I will leave. So, I am hoping to set up the systems in place so I only need to maintain, monitor, and occasionally fix something.  But I want to have the time to think, not to waste and drain all my energy and time doing routine things.  I no longer have time to think how to become more effective and efficient.  I just do what needs to be done, begrudgingly.

I will miss my kitty cats. I just love them to bits.

But I am so excited now, to finally finish all the things I need to do, and to do all the things I need to do.  I am much more motivated now, especially in the mornings. I just want to do them so I can leave, but to where, I do not know.

Vacation

I'm dreaming of taking a vacation soon...with you...after all the things I need to do are finished.
I want to tell you so many things, but I'am afraid you don't even want to listen to me.
Do you ever want me? Like me? Want to be with me?  You never ask me how I am.  You never ask questions about me.  I end up telling you all about myself.  In defense, I am just rationalizing my behavior - me talking to you about myself is partly in hope for a reconciliation, and also partly for my own sanity.  You are someone I can discuss with, and give advice.  By telling you my plans and my intentions, I am also reinforcing them in my mind - that I really have to do those things at the time frame I have stated.  It also makes me more structured, and more organized.  By thinking first about those things which I tell you, it forces me to think/plan through it.  So, thank you...somehow.

I dream we are together soon, and we like each other's company.  I doubt if you ever had good friends, and if you still communicate with them.  Or are you a lone traveler now and you don't want to settle down and make friends?

I love you, without any rush, without any definite time frame of being together, without wanting commitments.  I have changed from before, where I was setting ultimatums just to see if you would respond.  I guess I matured (or just grew tired) from my previous relationship.

I just hope I do get to finish the taxes tomorrow!  It will be one pain in the neck to get rid off!  You have such a carefree life compared to mine.  But I anticipated this.  I had fun during my solo traveling.  It's time to work hard now! and learn a lot!

I wish i said yes

I wish i wasn't so scared to say yes. I was afraid what will happen next if i said yes. Now i know i should have been more brave, and willing to take risk.  I loved him. And i think i still do.

I should have told him i am happy with him, and i want to be with him forever,