bench fever.

Dan: "Does he make you smile, like I do?"
Tess: "He doesn't make me cry, like YOU do."
-John Ballard Surrey/Margaret Rose Powers.qtd from email forwarded msgs.

june 30, friday- i thought this would be a very exciting night. i thought we're gonna make it.

he was late. as usual. i thought maybe he just underestimated the traffic (again)..now i think he intentionally did it for the sole purpose that he'l be able to spend less time with me. excuses. i'm not being paranoid, am i? but the fact is, he doesn't even show some care for me.

didn't open doors for me. walked straight ahead; quite forgetting i'm with him. so i pretended i didn't care so as not to appear running after him. crossing the streets? before i cross, i always look for him, just to make sure he's still there. nice. he's absolutely a master of disappearing acts. before i knew it, he's already at the other end, and the cars are already zooming by. why? because i was looking behind me to look for him. it happened a lot of times.

i waited in McDo for about an hour. 7 pm. he came by past 8. got lost going to the venue by 9.30. watched for 15 minutes. left. he called up his mom for extension of dorm's curfew. ice monster. bread talk. got lost. left me at makati. taxi. home by 11.20. i wanted to cry. but i gotta show i'm brave. at least now i'm proud to say i didn't cry over him dat day. it's done. it's finished.

he absolutely didn't care, doesn't care. if i'm not going to be in his priorities, then wer am i gonna be? can he just refuse so as not to let us both get hurt & suffer?..it's worse than refusing my invitation right on if he's not happy doing it for me.

i just wanted someone to be with me that day. i thought he'd like some time-out from his acads. i never thought that even while's he's with me, he's mind off to somewhere else, somewhere i could never be.

although i think i could have been better off i just invited another friend, i still think it is for the both of us. the experience i had with him that night is a revelation of his true motives for me, of what he really felt for me: nothing. i'm nobody for him. just nikki, who was always there if ever he needed someone to talk to.

now it's never going to happen darling. i'm still here for you. but there are limits or self-control i must impose upon myself to avoid expecting too much, and getting hurt in the process. if termination of our connection/communication is necessary for me to accomplish that goal, then yes darling, i'll have no qualms on doing it right on.

at least the bench fever's HOT.