thoughts

I want to talk about him (you-know-who). You have to understand, I have to start letting go.

We've known each other for nearly 7 years, just 1 month short. It may be because we're so used to each other that it's hard to let go. We're there for each other when no one else is. We function as "reserve" friends/dates when we need someone only when it's convenient to us, not out of obligation or commitment, or even just plain love.

When convenient, when favorable. We even go for months of no communication, and later on we'll just pick up where we left off. This kind of relationship is destructive, yet so addictive. Going for fleeting pleasures, not long-term happiness. We can't just discard those years we spent together, even now that I want to break the habit. Why did we let it continue for 7 years? I don't know. Maybe we just didn't care enough to risk knowing whether if it's going to work or not. We just let it be.

I know I don't want him, I just love the IDEA of someone being there for me anytime I want, and someone who wants me and needs me...well yeah, SOMETIMES.

We are not suited for each other - he bores me, and i think i have the same effect on him too. You may think I am dull and inactive, but he is worse. If you look at our resumes (credentials), I think mine is so much better. If you look at our day-to-day activities and our achievements (tasks done), you'll think I'm a superhero if you're putting his level for the average man. He tries to be interesting (to level up with me, I guess) but he ends up so pretentious and embarasses me even more. Yes, I feel ashamed for him. Haha. I hope I don't give you that feeling. Okay I admit, I probably did sometimes.

There are moments when you can read and predict what the other person is thinking. And oh, I really don't like it when it happens and I feel so disgusted with their thoughts. I don't know if my instincts is so off, but they always fall flat to the trap.

And when you can read what they're thinking (as long as you're focused on the people AND the situation you're all in), it's hard not be cranky and crabby and anything grouchy. It's hard for me to pretend to be nice and happy when I know what thoughts crosses their mind. Okay, I shouldn't think bad of others when they haven't even started saying anything bad yet. But the thoughts! You can see what they're thinking based on their actions! You'd probably think I'm crazy but I can read them before they themselves even realize why they're doing something.

'Cause darling, I can read him. I can't read you. (So Edward? Haha) You are more interesting, exciting, and you have so much more going on in your life than him. I can't be with someone who has less activities than me. It bores me and he'll feel insecure anyway.

Pure rant. Pure madness. Pure love.

3 realizations

don't know what to do today...update my planner i guess.

3 realizations:

1. that I shouldn't make plans and timelines, i end up getting so disappointed and frustated when things don't go according to plan. and then i'm unable to appreciate the sweet surprises that pass my way. so, no more plans! :D hell with "The Secret". It doesn't work for me in concrete terms. I only have to wish for the vaguest thing that I really really want, have faith, and then move on. No more with the HOWs and WHYs (i.e. planning and reasoning), just plain wishing.

2. have to be ready for you.

3. be happy! :D no matter what, even if i have no reason at all.

sweet, concise, and precise

what's in a word?

Hello darling,

As you may have seen in that social networking site, I was into some very awkward situations over the weekend. I probably need some help on "how to avoid and deal with embarassing situations". Haha. And you are so much better on this than me. You know that.

You've seen me (you were WITH me) during some of my weirdest, awkwardest*, most embarassing moments ever. And it's so comforting to know that you're still a friend.

Missing you. :)


*this word, if this really exists, looks really awkward. :D

results released

I received an email today. I wasn't prepared, I thought it was going to be released next week. I didn't get in. I was rejected..again.

But I guess when God closes the door, he opens a window. So cliche but that's all I have left to believe in. I can cry and mop but that's not going to solve anything, right? I wish you're here; you always know what to do.

I guess then, He doesn't want me to leave. If it's not for me, having given my best (except for the interview haha but overall, I think I did too well), then I'm willing to let go.

Guess I'll see you around?

3 things

3 things:
1. A company called :)
2. Went to Gilmore- had my mom's laptop fixed
3. Went to Greenhills - i love the bags! don't have a job yet, so no budget for that right now

so excited! :)

Can't wait to see you!
Are you going to bring me something? Haha.
Well it doesn't matter, I just want you to be here on that particular day.
But I could use a little surprise. :)

see you

I'd like to see you next week.
But if you really can't come, you can cancel your confirmation to the event.
Although I'm still hoping you'd be there. :)

dream job away.

I don't know what to do, darling. I didn't get the job that I really really want. After rejecting 3 companies and now that I have an idea on what I want, this is the only time I got rejected? Actually, I didn't really give my best into it. I was so depressed that day, like I'm going to take any offer, 'cause I was already tired looking for my "dream job". And I was thinking of actually cancelling the interview but just for the sake of honoring the commitment, I did. But I learned something, you know. That was when I realized what I want, and that I have to give my best in everything I do - no matter how secured or emotionally tired I am, 'cause that's when opportunity might present itself.

And I missed it!

There were two of us vying for that position. The other person is from the company itself and probably had a lot of work experience already. But I can't just blame it on that; I believe I could have done better in that interview at least to have a chance to get to the next round.

Enough about me (even though this is my blog haha). How are you? :)

patience.

if that's how you want it. if that's what you want...then fine..or was it because you just couldn't do anything about it?

but why didn't you tell me earlier? i'd like to be informed as soon as you make a decision instead of waiting for the last minute.

oh i'm really not good at waiting. but i can't make them come sooner, can i?

scholarship

They sent an email today, saying they'll release the results by the end of next week. Said it wouldn't be later than friday. So + 14 hours, I say I'll receive it by Saturday 6am.

Just in time. :)

yesterday's 3 things

3 things yesterday:
1. IBM exam - had to do something while waiting.
2. learned how to commute from Libis - i'm learning!
3. applied in other companies - through email.

---
I'm making a lot of mistakes. I realize I shouldn't have waited. I usually don't wait, but now that I'm trying to be patient....Oh well. At least November is going to end soon, I hope December will give me a fresh new start in everything!

Have to laugh inspite of all this darned mess. Thanks to God for keeping me alive. :)

Good morning! :)

ctrlA + Del

I'm thinking of deleting this blog. But then everytime I browse through my entries, it seems like I'd be deleting a part of me. They remind me of my feelings, of my thoughts on that particular day.

Oh whatever. When I need to move on, I will.

3 things

3 things:

1. Issued my very first check today! Haha I was so nervous writing the numbers and signing my name. It used to be just handling my parents' checks to be given to the payees, and learning the process in our law class.

2. Uploaded the pictures of this week's events.

3. I realized I am sooo over him. Whew! It feels great! :D

anticipating

will clean up soon. :)

comma

It's one of these moments that I really really wish you're here. You're missing a lot, but I'm glad you'll be there for the last one.

We're going to the waterpark. And of the most unfortunate moments, I have my period today. Haha Well it won't flow while I'm in the water, but I wouldn't want to risk anyone seeing a spot of red clot in my swimsuit right?

So much to tell you! See you! :)

Mrs. Anerton

read "The Muse's Tragedy" this morning.

intellectual comrade? a new concept yet so familiar. why am i playing all the roles of wharton's women?

i pride myself that he involves me in all his important decisions, out of habit and because we suit each other - not because he loves me. i hope i don't end up like Mrs. Anerton, who at middle-age realized everything she missed in her youth. It is because he didn't love me, it is because I never got what I wanted, that I wasn't able to move on.

--
I always felt with pride that the other girl passed on to you (as well as her previous one) after I was done with each of you. But I was the coward, wasn't I? She tried, she loved and received something in return. I, on the other hand, lived on illusions, on what-ifs, on vagueness. There
wasn't a start nor an end, sort of like a fleeting moment which you only depend on fate whether to move you forward or not. It's like a period of "let's see where it goes" and if nothing happens, then one can easily exit without any reproach from the other person; no guilt - you didn't promise anything.

Yes please, I'll give it a try with everything attached to it - the time, the attention and the commitment. I will not settle again for a fleeting moment, i'm willing to risk friendship. I will be brave enough to swim through deeper waters. I will emerge victorious or I will drown; either way I moved. I will no longer be playing in the shallow waters darling. An ultimatum (how many times have I said this before?) has to work for me; it must.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

This morning, I finished reading Wilde's Dorian Gray - about a corrupted person who was always seeking pleasure and not happiness. An innocent, sweet-faced young man who was poisoned by a book.

--And I realized, from reading Wharton and Wilde- aside from the usual standards, I want someone who leads a more exciting, more interesting life than me. So I guess I like men who are a bit egoistic - who won't tolerate liking, loving, and living with a person who is more interesting (or less dull) than they are. I want someone who's got an ambition, a passion for life. Not fleeting passions for pleasure, but a life-long passion for happiness, that will keep us from becoming dull and conventional. I want someone who will live life with me - we will travel the world together, overcome obstacles, and love each other more every single day. It is such a romanticized view of the future, but I will persist.

So, Am I Dorian Gray? Lord Henry? or Basil?

Dorian Gray

They just don't feel right, you know.
As if they're just part of the learning process I have to go through..
And not my destination.
Well, that's life anyway-
A journey, and not something you'll arrive at.

3 things that made me happy today:
1. I finished reformatting and reinstalling my sister's laptop. Took me one whole day!
2. I'm reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's amusing and tragic at the same time. Lots of new philosophies, ways of looking at life. Giving me a new perspective on dealing with things. Lots of realizations. Dorian Gray - new subject matter after ethan frome haha
3. Happy times at home. No worries except for a few petty ones.

Why are people so confusing? Maybe I should learn not to overthink, over-analyse or try to be sensitive of other people's feelings. I don't get them right, and it's just not me. You're better at this, you know. :)

applications

Have pending applications in at least 4 companies. Wouldn't hurt to try.

Oh by the way, sir offered to send my resume to SCB's HR. Apparently, the HR manager is a friend of his. He sent it yesterday. I told him you may be interested but that I won't bother you while you're on vacation. We''ll talk about it when you arrive, yes?

I'll try to be more offline these coming days. Starting tomorrow - will check mail only twice a day. Will try to get out more. Haha. Been fixing my sister's laptop since yesterday. Was so bored waiting for all the installing and downloading that I had to be online most of the time to prevent sleeping.

November 4 - turned down 2 companies; last day for sending online applications
Nov 5 onwards - wait for pending applications :)
Dec 5 - decide :) :) :)

waiting

I miss you darling. I hope you're having fun wherever you are. No use being miserable in circumstances we can't control.

I have lots to tell you!

First, I cancelled my application to the two companies I've applied. I have decided to wait for the results of my scholarship application. Now we're back to the original plan. I've been so bored with no deadlines to meet or exams to study for, that I've wanted to hurry things up. Wanted to fast forward everything. Now I think I should learn to be patient, and wait. But I have an interview in another company on the 19th. I want a company who can take me for just four months (Dec-Mar).

Second, the other scholarship I've been eyeing is no longer open. So I guess I really have to wait for you to decide.

Third, I have a party this weekend. I'll send you an invitation later even though I know you can't come. :)

I can't make them come sooner. Haha. I'll wait for you.