a lesson

Learning for the past 3 months: It's N-O, or count to 10 and it's STFU. Both with a smile, darling. :)

proposals

After several minutes of him talking about my future career and where I'll live and what I'll do:

Me: You're planning my future again!
Him: 'Cause you're not doing it!

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i lost count on how many times you've proposed marriage or any long term commitment, indirectly. The night we had some beer (wednesday night), you defended yourself over the issues i knew i offended you over time - motorbike trip, paranoia, keys, etc.

I know i offended you, and i'm sorry. You defended yourself, i understand your point, and can we now just forget about the whole thing? I'll be more careful the next time i talk to you.

Next time.

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At the resort, you were already pushing me to someone else - you'll set up a dinner for the two of us, you complimented the guy, and already planned my future with him (that Shanghai wouldn't be so far from Japan.) A few days later, you changed your mind and decided again that you want me for yourself - that the other guy is not as good as you. So two nights ago, you criticized him; even saying that he's acting like a 15 year old. Haha. You're jealous, dead jealous. But you can't show it, darling. You don't have the right. We don't have any commitment, and no exclusivity for that matter. And I, can do anything as I please.

risks

It's not because of my age, or the it's "too late" part. It's the perception. I thought that by just being here, quitting the usual "career path" and doing something different, that I'm different - that I'm taking risks an average person wouldn't do. But apparently, for him, it's nothing. I didn't know there are groups of people who'd never even bother talking to civilians. And me? I've never been in a war. I've been brought up with pop culture and MTV. Just like any normal person my age, I guess; even though I think I'm better off than most people I've met because I've been exposed and self-educated with some real stuff - good literature, music, and ideas. I know what's crap, and what's great. I read books that are far more than just for entertainment. I thought that was enough. But for him, it's nothing.

According to a chinese proverb, he said, "to be an adult, a person should have experienced these 3 things - poverty, war, and love." So I'm practically an infant then, if that's the definition of adulthood.

> thanks sir denis! you're a mentor through and through. :) yes, i won't believe in everything he says - to each his own, i guess. although the fact remains that he was a psychologist in the west, and he fought in the middle east. i insisted that he tells me his own conclusion of my life, and he did say that he broke every rule of the profession for that.

forever part 2

Him: Saying that I'm paranoid [about being careful with everything] shows that you're naive.
Me: Well, at least I know that I'm safe when I'm with you.
Him: Yes, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Me: I know.
Him: But if ever someone hurt you, I'd kill them straight off. If you're with (name of other person who's a little bit reckless), you'd be f*cked up.

.........
Him: So, how would you like to stay here in Hanoi forever?
Me: Huh? Forever?
.........

Darling, there's no such thing as "forever" for me.

home

Darling, i want to go home. now. I want my friends back. I want people I can talk to. I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather leave first than be left behind. It always makes me cry.

The scientist

Thank you so much for doing everything for me. I really appreciate it that you're always there for me. I'm grateful for the "family" I have here. But you don't have to feel obligated. Sometimes I feel you care too much for me.

1. How can I ever repay your kindness?
2. You're not interested in me, are you? 'Cause I've seen some people do that for me, and they are. I don't know how I can return the affection, when all I can offer is friendship.
3. Feedback. Should I have done better?

You cooked for me, thank you so much. Why didn't you tell me that they don't know how to cook it the way I wanted, and I could have ordered just any other dish. It won't matter so much, you know. You're always a gentleman, serving me all the time, and now you tell me you're leaving in a few months?

I'll try to remember everything that happened. But it all went so fast, then I got scared. I remember our breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinners together. You always made it a point to come home for dinner right after your work, so we can talk together until the late hours. Coffee we love to have in the morning, lasting for 2 hours at the least. We always had long talks anytime we bump into each other, which isn't hard considering we live in the same house. And then you started talking about marriage, that you had dreams that you'll marry in 2 years time. I still remember telling you that 2 years is not enough time for a woman to be prepared for a wedding, and you said you'll take care of everything! Then you did the palm reading in which you advised me to be open to relationships and be more passionate in life. That I was holding myself back. When I asserted that there is no one currently for me to hold back from, you said there might be someone and that I never know for sure. That maybe I only needed someone who can take care of me. And for weeks, I noticed you were always pointing out the "bad" qualities of some husbands, and that you're different, that you're nice. Okay, and you're really vain about your body. Haha. Physical fitness and your muscles, darling? We spent weeks talking about marriage, couples, and the future. At the start, you planned for my future, and even "our" future!

Then last week, before the trip - we went to a restaurant for lunch. You called me and asked me if I wanted to go for lunch. We already had lots of "semi-dates" before that - going to different places all over the city - museums, parks, restaurants, everything! And you were always giving me advice in everything.

Last week, I introduced you to my uncle - which happened to know a lot more about what I need to know than whatever you can give me. And sometimes I let slip my former lifestyle with above average wealth. Did you give up? That I really don't need you as much as you thought before? That I have enough of my own, and the reality is different from what you've imagined?

For the past weeks, I've been saying that I don't want to get married at all. Last week, I told you that if I ever got married, it would be someone a little bit older than me and that it would be someone from the Philippines. Did I just turn you down?

Last week, I met your friends. We had fun, didn't we? We had our own house, hideaway, a pet dog, and we just stayed together the whole day.

You should tell me directly, you know - what you want and how you feel. And even I have a hard time telling you about how I feel right now - that I'm scared, but I'm really thankful that you're here.

We're drifting into that mood of "please say anything so that there won't be any silence, and that the other won't have to start talking about his/her thoughts and feelings, and the unspoken but felt issues between us". Remember that weekend that I was pissed off the whole time? I said sorry after, and you tried to be super nice to me. You gave me materials and all that stuff - making amends of what?

You're a great person, but I hope that's it. Can we ever go back from the start?

Over the holidays

One annoying thing during the trip that kept happening again and again:

You see, Rick and Jack speak fluent Vietnamese, and Steve & I don't. When the two talk to the locals like in buying food or petrol, the locals would look at me and start talking to me. Sometimes they're not that polite, and are nearly screaming at my face. As if they need me to translate whatever Rick and Jack told them. They can understand them if they just look past the white skin. And they had to tell the locals every time to stop talking to me 'cause I don't speak Viet, and they can perfectly understand Rick & Jack. Some apologize, others don't. But we've always gotten what we wanted in the end, so they really understood them from the start. Momentary shock with these Westerners speaking the local language, i guess. They don't talk to Steve, since he obviously looks like a foreigner. As these guys all pointed out, I don't look like a Viet, I'm distinguishably a Filipina. But I look Asian, and for these people, I guess it equates to Viet. Sometimes Steve would say: "They're talking to her again, and she can't understand them." 'Cause I was facing in the opposite direction, oblivious to all the Viet people talking to me (or shouting at me!). I guess I learned how to shut them off my mind. Haha.