now u hate me...
i really don't know what it is you want., do u want me ever-present, voluntary in my part.., or just there when you want me?,,yea i suppose you want just when u want me, or need me..'me' is actually a very aggressive word. i think you only want someone as a companion, someone to talk to; regardless of whoever that person is. easiest one: me.
so depressing.
i don't like this non-committal type of relationship. it's so all over i couldn't draw the lines between the OKs & nO-nOs..
now here i am again, after that one-time effort on your part, i'm doing all the work again. y does it have to be like this? such a stupid one-way relationship with me being always the driver? & you as the passenger.., a backseat passenger.
but at least you can have the decency to tell me what you feel. if you don't want me, then tell me & it's fine. I'll be sad & all, but that's the best way.
sometimes you're sweet..the whole lot of time you act just like any other friend. are you going to keep me hanging like this forever? when i'm on the verge of letting you go, you suddenly appear, & your presence just pulls me back together again. after all those months of trying to forget you, of making you disappear., & in an instant you got me back again.
such a fickle-minded person.
and i think you act like that to all the other girls you've met, or are somewhat interested in. we're all hanging; ready on your beck & call. we aren't dogs, or pets for that matter. you play your cards well. i think i'm ready to play that game. i thought i was, 3 years ago..but i ended up with my heart shattered, glued, and shattered again. cycle repeated a thousand times. haven't i learned my lesson?..yes, if you ask me, my brain will answer with perfect explanation & analysis of why i should give you up. but my heart wouldn't listen, wouldn't it? substance over form.
now i'm ready. play with fire. -pyro.-
Friday, June 23, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
cheers darling...it's over
It just seems so unnatural to feel like this. After knowing each other for more than three years, I thought I knew him already. Though we belong in separate circles in our society, we communicate regularly, met a few times, and discussed our lives through mobile phones & the Internet. We had our similarities & a few healthy differences, but we lived through them; and I think our relationship is closer now than ever.
Or so I thought. It seems there is a sudden realization over this infatuation that lasted for years and had shaped our lives in manners I do not wish for. Aggressiveness took over. Nobody controlled me, or him either. I started first. He started responding later on, much to my delight. Then now we are both so used to each other that makes it difficult to move on. We are like committed in a non-committal relationship. A fling perhaps? What began as a teen-age crush/infatuation lead to a disastrous obsession. I don’t even know what our relationship exactly is; are we just close friends? MU (though I don’t know how to describe this phase)? Or just nobodies who happen to find themselves when in need of company?
Mistakes in our lives cannot be erased, but can be remedied. I am an impulsive person, especially in situations where money is concerned. I don’t think much when I buy some things I deem necessary, & many of them were left unused, trashed, and wasted. Impulsiveness results to such restless characteristic, with feelings of insecurity and guilt creeping in. He is also an impulsive person. Trying to be cool, and accepted, and regarded high by his friends & acquaintances, has led him to make some wrong decisions. He is cool in any way I see. But his want to show off more of his perceived goodness overpowered his sense of reason & practicality. I tolerated his rants, egged him even more. Wanting to be with such a cool person. But the thing is, we’re driving each other into madness. Later on we’d be sorry of having done this, bought that, etc.
Another one is about money. We’re both willing to pay people to avoid confrontations. We are not that super-friendly people-persons that know how to handle awkward events. If someone pesters me so much, I’d just buy his/her product to just let it stop. Not knowing how to say NO properly, and not thinking enough about dealing with others has left us with our own problems- with money or friends. We forgot to think properly of the possible consequences of each action we undertook. There’s also our priorities that just doesn’t seem to match up. He’s into techie stuff (usually gadgets that are not cheap), and I spend a lot on things I like at first sight, not knowing that we are just wasting our resources for being gullible. But at least I do try to save.
Last one is our attitude. Ignoring someone is a perfect way to excuse yourself out of a circle you never wanted. But I think telling a person directly that you don’t want him/her for whatever is more appropriate.
I’ve been waiting for years, hoping we’ll lead somewhere & mature into happy, sensible individuals. But we’ve wasted so much time for each other that didn’t help us as much. I was so willing., willing to get along that I forgot my principles, ethics, & basic moral values.
The fact that you don’t tell me your plans that in any case may concern or affect me, is an obvious sign that you just don’t care.
You said you don’t have time. You’ve got to make some time. Make it work for you, not the other way around. I often questioned why you always said you’re busy with something, when I can handle my acads/grades in school in the top form, talk to you, and still have extra time for leisure. Maybe it’s your way of saying you don’t have time for me.
I get it now. You take me for granted, thinking you can have some use of me later on…but not on the matters I was hoping. We had a different purpose on being with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding & resentment. We’d drift off for a while, and then go back as if nothing happened. Back to square 1, but a little nicer than the first time around.
I looked on your actions towards me, and was always hoping for something that would show that in your own discreet ways, you truly care for me. Not much to hope. I see some efforts to please me, but the whole thing goes back to zero after a week. As if nothing happened. The magic died down, as sudden as it appeared.
Dreaming is one of my favorite past-times. Maybe I dreamed too much to lead into illusions. Maybe you never really felt something special about us. Maybe for you we really are just ordinary friends. Maybe I just imagined all those things that you may have felt. I really don’t know.
It’s been a pleasure sharing my life with you, and you in turn had also exerted a lot of time and effort in chatting with me even though you always said you were busy and don’t have much time. I appreciate that, regardless if you’ve got some hidden agenda for that.
Maybe you are just so insensitive of my feelings of whatever you’ll say or do, that it takes you at least two months to check if I’m still alive, Or in a much more probable scenario, you just happened to have some extra time and is bored to death that you eventually have to talk to somebody like me. There are always doubts. You never gave clear intentions or directions; and if something/somebody else has caught your attention, then I’m off waiting in the fog; forgotten in the middle of somewhere, wondering what really happened.
I thank you for all those things that you did for me. You were always there but never offered freely; I have to reach out with an extended hand, and ask for what I need.
I’m sorry for not being a better friend. I could have helped you make better decisions in your life when you were so discussing them with me. But with pride and inconsideration, I managed to let the opportunities for us to pass by.
I don’t know if it’s your super-inflated ego or perception of reflecting a macho image, that lead me to realize how similar we are. That being with each other lead to the less than the best outcomes. We don’t have to put up a front that we are our own happy and perfect individuals. With all these masks, I can hardly see you.
But then again, you never gave me much of your time. I barely merit your attention.
So cheers darling, to our relationship that already landed but never took off.
I say goodbye, & that I hope we learned much from each other to make ourselves the better persons we all want to be, without each other.
Or so I thought. It seems there is a sudden realization over this infatuation that lasted for years and had shaped our lives in manners I do not wish for. Aggressiveness took over. Nobody controlled me, or him either. I started first. He started responding later on, much to my delight. Then now we are both so used to each other that makes it difficult to move on. We are like committed in a non-committal relationship. A fling perhaps? What began as a teen-age crush/infatuation lead to a disastrous obsession. I don’t even know what our relationship exactly is; are we just close friends? MU (though I don’t know how to describe this phase)? Or just nobodies who happen to find themselves when in need of company?
Mistakes in our lives cannot be erased, but can be remedied. I am an impulsive person, especially in situations where money is concerned. I don’t think much when I buy some things I deem necessary, & many of them were left unused, trashed, and wasted. Impulsiveness results to such restless characteristic, with feelings of insecurity and guilt creeping in. He is also an impulsive person. Trying to be cool, and accepted, and regarded high by his friends & acquaintances, has led him to make some wrong decisions. He is cool in any way I see. But his want to show off more of his perceived goodness overpowered his sense of reason & practicality. I tolerated his rants, egged him even more. Wanting to be with such a cool person. But the thing is, we’re driving each other into madness. Later on we’d be sorry of having done this, bought that, etc.
Another one is about money. We’re both willing to pay people to avoid confrontations. We are not that super-friendly people-persons that know how to handle awkward events. If someone pesters me so much, I’d just buy his/her product to just let it stop. Not knowing how to say NO properly, and not thinking enough about dealing with others has left us with our own problems- with money or friends. We forgot to think properly of the possible consequences of each action we undertook. There’s also our priorities that just doesn’t seem to match up. He’s into techie stuff (usually gadgets that are not cheap), and I spend a lot on things I like at first sight, not knowing that we are just wasting our resources for being gullible. But at least I do try to save.
Last one is our attitude. Ignoring someone is a perfect way to excuse yourself out of a circle you never wanted. But I think telling a person directly that you don’t want him/her for whatever is more appropriate.
I’ve been waiting for years, hoping we’ll lead somewhere & mature into happy, sensible individuals. But we’ve wasted so much time for each other that didn’t help us as much. I was so willing., willing to get along that I forgot my principles, ethics, & basic moral values.
The fact that you don’t tell me your plans that in any case may concern or affect me, is an obvious sign that you just don’t care.
You said you don’t have time. You’ve got to make some time. Make it work for you, not the other way around. I often questioned why you always said you’re busy with something, when I can handle my acads/grades in school in the top form, talk to you, and still have extra time for leisure. Maybe it’s your way of saying you don’t have time for me.
I get it now. You take me for granted, thinking you can have some use of me later on…but not on the matters I was hoping. We had a different purpose on being with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding & resentment. We’d drift off for a while, and then go back as if nothing happened. Back to square 1, but a little nicer than the first time around.
I looked on your actions towards me, and was always hoping for something that would show that in your own discreet ways, you truly care for me. Not much to hope. I see some efforts to please me, but the whole thing goes back to zero after a week. As if nothing happened. The magic died down, as sudden as it appeared.
Dreaming is one of my favorite past-times. Maybe I dreamed too much to lead into illusions. Maybe you never really felt something special about us. Maybe for you we really are just ordinary friends. Maybe I just imagined all those things that you may have felt. I really don’t know.
It’s been a pleasure sharing my life with you, and you in turn had also exerted a lot of time and effort in chatting with me even though you always said you were busy and don’t have much time. I appreciate that, regardless if you’ve got some hidden agenda for that.
Maybe you are just so insensitive of my feelings of whatever you’ll say or do, that it takes you at least two months to check if I’m still alive, Or in a much more probable scenario, you just happened to have some extra time and is bored to death that you eventually have to talk to somebody like me. There are always doubts. You never gave clear intentions or directions; and if something/somebody else has caught your attention, then I’m off waiting in the fog; forgotten in the middle of somewhere, wondering what really happened.
I thank you for all those things that you did for me. You were always there but never offered freely; I have to reach out with an extended hand, and ask for what I need.
I’m sorry for not being a better friend. I could have helped you make better decisions in your life when you were so discussing them with me. But with pride and inconsideration, I managed to let the opportunities for us to pass by.
I don’t know if it’s your super-inflated ego or perception of reflecting a macho image, that lead me to realize how similar we are. That being with each other lead to the less than the best outcomes. We don’t have to put up a front that we are our own happy and perfect individuals. With all these masks, I can hardly see you.
But then again, you never gave me much of your time. I barely merit your attention.
So cheers darling, to our relationship that already landed but never took off.
I say goodbye, & that I hope we learned much from each other to make ourselves the better persons we all want to be, without each other.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
half-naked
i often wondered why some people can't live together, or can't learn to live together in peace..it's easy for me to get along with all kinds of people., the only trick is to expect nothing out of them, but don't be proud yourself..
i got a lot of friends..not really that much but enough to keep my name known in our small town..this i need to accomplish some nearly-impossible tasks when i was a student there..i got friends..but they're just it..nothing more..i'm not proud to say that i never had a bestfriend..being with the same person for a long time makes me feel sick. i start seeing his/her mistakes, flaws, imperfections..as if i'm perfect myself. but to avoid such unnecessary confrontations & petty quarrels, i just pretend that i'm ok and then later move on to another crowd..still friends, and it's better for all of us. i can't stand some people and it has been easier for me to ignore them totally..i perfected that craft..of making people disappear, pretending they do not exist is one of the easiest mental activities i can do..
i may not have a pretty life, but i managed to get along well enough with friends, some close ones, and family..
i tend to move on easily..forget the past and go on with the flow..at times hurting some of the people i knew back then.. it's easier for me..but it also brings out the worst.
i never thought there'd be a day i'll find someone that i'll never be able to live with..& it hurts more that he's one of the closest persons to me. can't deny i like him. what a terrible mistake indeed.
i got a lot of friends..not really that much but enough to keep my name known in our small town..this i need to accomplish some nearly-impossible tasks when i was a student there..i got friends..but they're just it..nothing more..i'm not proud to say that i never had a bestfriend..being with the same person for a long time makes me feel sick. i start seeing his/her mistakes, flaws, imperfections..as if i'm perfect myself. but to avoid such unnecessary confrontations & petty quarrels, i just pretend that i'm ok and then later move on to another crowd..still friends, and it's better for all of us. i can't stand some people and it has been easier for me to ignore them totally..i perfected that craft..of making people disappear, pretending they do not exist is one of the easiest mental activities i can do..
i may not have a pretty life, but i managed to get along well enough with friends, some close ones, and family..
i tend to move on easily..forget the past and go on with the flow..at times hurting some of the people i knew back then.. it's easier for me..but it also brings out the worst.
i never thought there'd be a day i'll find someone that i'll never be able to live with..& it hurts more that he's one of the closest persons to me. can't deny i like him. what a terrible mistake indeed.
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