It just seems so unnatural to feel like this. After knowing each other for more than three years, I thought I knew him already. Though we belong in separate circles in our society, we communicate regularly, met a few times, and discussed our lives through mobile phones & the Internet. We had our similarities & a few healthy differences, but we lived through them; and I think our relationship is closer now than ever.
Or so I thought. It seems there is a sudden realization over this infatuation that lasted for years and had shaped our lives in manners I do not wish for. Aggressiveness took over. Nobody controlled me, or him either. I started first. He started responding later on, much to my delight. Then now we are both so used to each other that makes it difficult to move on. We are like committed in a non-committal relationship. A fling perhaps? What began as a teen-age crush/infatuation lead to a disastrous obsession. I don’t even know what our relationship exactly is; are we just close friends? MU (though I don’t know how to describe this phase)? Or just nobodies who happen to find themselves when in need of company?
Mistakes in our lives cannot be erased, but can be remedied. I am an impulsive person, especially in situations where money is concerned. I don’t think much when I buy some things I deem necessary, & many of them were left unused, trashed, and wasted. Impulsiveness results to such restless characteristic, with feelings of insecurity and guilt creeping in. He is also an impulsive person. Trying to be cool, and accepted, and regarded high by his friends & acquaintances, has led him to make some wrong decisions. He is cool in any way I see. But his want to show off more of his perceived goodness overpowered his sense of reason & practicality. I tolerated his rants, egged him even more. Wanting to be with such a cool person. But the thing is, we’re driving each other into madness. Later on we’d be sorry of having done this, bought that, etc.
Another one is about money. We’re both willing to pay people to avoid confrontations. We are not that super-friendly people-persons that know how to handle awkward events. If someone pesters me so much, I’d just buy his/her product to just let it stop. Not knowing how to say NO properly, and not thinking enough about dealing with others has left us with our own problems- with money or friends. We forgot to think properly of the possible consequences of each action we undertook. There’s also our priorities that just doesn’t seem to match up. He’s into techie stuff (usually gadgets that are not cheap), and I spend a lot on things I like at first sight, not knowing that we are just wasting our resources for being gullible. But at least I do try to save.
Last one is our attitude. Ignoring someone is a perfect way to excuse yourself out of a circle you never wanted. But I think telling a person directly that you don’t want him/her for whatever is more appropriate.
I’ve been waiting for years, hoping we’ll lead somewhere & mature into happy, sensible individuals. But we’ve wasted so much time for each other that didn’t help us as much. I was so willing., willing to get along that I forgot my principles, ethics, & basic moral values.
The fact that you don’t tell me your plans that in any case may concern or affect me, is an obvious sign that you just don’t care.
You said you don’t have time. You’ve got to make some time. Make it work for you, not the other way around. I often questioned why you always said you’re busy with something, when I can handle my acads/grades in school in the top form, talk to you, and still have extra time for leisure. Maybe it’s your way of saying you don’t have time for me.
I get it now. You take me for granted, thinking you can have some use of me later on…but not on the matters I was hoping. We had a different purpose on being with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding & resentment. We’d drift off for a while, and then go back as if nothing happened. Back to square 1, but a little nicer than the first time around.
I looked on your actions towards me, and was always hoping for something that would show that in your own discreet ways, you truly care for me. Not much to hope. I see some efforts to please me, but the whole thing goes back to zero after a week. As if nothing happened. The magic died down, as sudden as it appeared.
Dreaming is one of my favorite past-times. Maybe I dreamed too much to lead into illusions. Maybe you never really felt something special about us. Maybe for you we really are just ordinary friends. Maybe I just imagined all those things that you may have felt. I really don’t know.
It’s been a pleasure sharing my life with you, and you in turn had also exerted a lot of time and effort in chatting with me even though you always said you were busy and don’t have much time. I appreciate that, regardless if you’ve got some hidden agenda for that.
Maybe you are just so insensitive of my feelings of whatever you’ll say or do, that it takes you at least two months to check if I’m still alive, Or in a much more probable scenario, you just happened to have some extra time and is bored to death that you eventually have to talk to somebody like me. There are always doubts. You never gave clear intentions or directions; and if something/somebody else has caught your attention, then I’m off waiting in the fog; forgotten in the middle of somewhere, wondering what really happened.
I thank you for all those things that you did for me. You were always there but never offered freely; I have to reach out with an extended hand, and ask for what I need.
I’m sorry for not being a better friend. I could have helped you make better decisions in your life when you were so discussing them with me. But with pride and inconsideration, I managed to let the opportunities for us to pass by.
I don’t know if it’s your super-inflated ego or perception of reflecting a macho image, that lead me to realize how similar we are. That being with each other lead to the less than the best outcomes. We don’t have to put up a front that we are our own happy and perfect individuals. With all these masks, I can hardly see you.
But then again, you never gave me much of your time. I barely merit your attention.
So cheers darling, to our relationship that already landed but never took off.
I say goodbye, & that I hope we learned much from each other to make ourselves the better persons we all want to be, without each other.
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