hey

We're not good at planning, are we? I think it's better this way. Let's just see what happens. Much more fun. :) Be there for me all the way, and I'll gladly do the same for you. Not because I want my attention reciprocated, but rather because I know you want me to.

alone time

My realizations during my meditations:

1. I have this fear of commitments -but once I do commit, there's no turning back.
2. I want a job which has a greater purpose, not just economic/financial; like serving humanity, and contibuting something to give everyone a chance for a better life.
3. I want a job which includes continuous education, learning new skills. Certainly not doing the same thing over and over again.

home

Since I am doing pretty good with my diet and regular reading (especially Maxwell's), I decided to extend my disciplined activities to online and planning behavior.

For now:
No online activities especially e-mails and facebook from Dec 20-25, 2009.
Will not bring laptop home, only my camera and HDD.
Will not bring a planner.

Oh life. How will I face everything?

mind

I am bored. Honestly, completely bored. I envy people who have jobs, and even those who have tons of problems. At least they have something to do, something to preoccupy them. Because just being alone for a long period of time is frightening. To be with your mind alone is very very depressing. You can control it or you can succumb to loneliness.

God help me conquer my own mind.

politicians

The politicians are at it again. They are not honest people. With such baggage needed to propel them to their current positions, they can’t help but be liars and thieves and whatever you call those scumbags.

I guess the system ought to be replaced by something different that will align people to their moral and economic objectives. Give those corporate consultants some real work.

mine.

It is the sense of desperation that is really murdering my soul. Mine is a free spirit, but to lose the purpose to live is devastating to anyone.

God, please. I received a message yesterday informing me to take an exam today. I mistakenly thought of it as an interview, I didn’t read it properly. As I was already in a vehicle on the way to the supposed interview, I suddenly had the urge to check the message again. And clear as heaven, stated there was an exam which I already took two weeks ago.

I should be thankful, yes. I wasn’t far yet and was able to go back home after a few minutes. I know, I know, everything is under my control – my thoughts, my emotions. I should act based on my own free will, rather than be acted upon. That is why, later this afternoon I should take charge and ask what is mine.

Darling, as good as you are to me right now, may I ask for something more?

plans

Darling, what are your plans with me? Am I supposed to be just the friend to which you can confide your plans? Am I nothing else? Because i don't want to stay like this forever.

I was polite, civil with her because we've been introduced. But never again will I communicate with her unless totally, absolutely necessary.

By the way, that was a personal right, non-transferrable.

nothing

Hello darling,

We had dinner, and I'm the only one unemployed. I was talking with some guys, and I had forgotten they were so much more emotionally advanced than me. All I ever know are from the books and movies. Experience-wise, none. I barely observe people and seldom think about their thoughts. Very inconsiderate of me, i know. I'm still learning, I hope you understand.

I don't want to go home with nothing to show. They so believe in me, yet I can't meet their expectations.

I wish you're here. Just here with me.

:(

Did you ever have this feeling of depression and loss of hope? I feel so miserable lately. I'm not doing anything, that's why.

Please. I want that job. I hope I get it. Because darling, if this lasts for another week, I don't think I can still take it. I'll get anything, work for anything. Just give me something to do that will get me away from here.

Please.

3 things

3 things:

1. yesterday - you asked me to wait for you before I make any more plans, yes? But we won't make plans since they don't happen when we do. As long as you're here, surprises will be greater than any other plan. I'll wait. :)
2. today - it showed that you miss the batch. And you miss me too, right?
3. next year - can you bring me a musicbox, darling? Just like the one we used to play with at that store.

5 things

My daily The Secret advice said I should start thinking of everything I'm thankful for. Here goes the list:

1. Family- although very dysfunctional. I guess I'm lucky we are a pretty exciting bunch.
2. Education- One of the best ones. so you think I'm a geek? Yeah maybe, I read classics and watch old movies. But they are so much better than the ones we have now.
3. Opportunties- had enough during college. Met you.
4. Social Life- went out with more than a handful of guys back in highschool and college. Not so much of a geek right? Haha.
5. You! :) I learned so much from and with you. I want to change and improve myself, for you and because you believed I can do it. And you want me to improve not because it will reflect on you, but rather you want me to be confident of myself. Thanks darling.

Overall, I think i live a pretty decent life. :)
This takes my mind off my worries. I can't wait to see you! :)

conversations

Okay. So my mom thinks i need communication courses. I'm such a killer of conversations; they always end when I start saying something. I'm not a good conversationalist, hence the course. But she probably needs one in temperament and consideration for others. That goes for my dad too.

Darling, I'm sorry I was such a chatterbox yesterday. I should have let you do all the talking, but I just so wanted to discuss some of my concerns. Was insensitive.

It seemed like I was being unfaithful to you yesterday. I talked to him after you went to sleep. But I wanted to clear up everything and smoothen our relationship as part of the moving on process. I want a clean slate so I don't have another skeleton to hide in my closet. There wasn't any kilig factor, I swear. Haha. We are friends, we never ceased to be friends. Yes we did go out in the past, but no commitments. And now, after a long time, I realized it wouldn't have (and will not) worked anyway. So it took us 7 years to get to know each other and move through all the stages with mind-guessing and without commitments. Not a good move, and it caused a lot of anger and heartache on my part (don't know about him). But hey, now it's over and we are still friends. Finally over, this one-sided relationship of ours which takes either side from time to time, and never got together at the same time.

But for you, I'll wait. And take the risk.

hope

I have a lot of free time in my hands. So, what to do?

1. Looked up for short courses on Culinary Arts. There's an interesting one at Fort. Quite affordable too.
2. Reading books, got lots unfinished. Right now it's Covey's 7 habits.
3. Self study on Urban Planning Course #1 from MIT OCW. They're free, but the powerpoint presentations don't teach you much.

But darling, we're not really good at planning, are we? Might as well take a general direction and go with the flow, believing that the best will come to us no matter what. We'll take our chances with the opportunities that come our way. Doesn't mean we have to be passive all the time. I'm using all of my resources now to get a chance with all the options available. Where I will be accepted, then that's where God wants me to be. At least I tried my best in everything, and He will choose for me. There will be guidance.

Pray

It is so frustrating to wait. Wait for their calls, wait for the scheduled interviews...and wait for you.

I guess i'm prematurely experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I'm unemployed, single, not dating, and has nothing else to do. I can't be like this forever. But hey, can it be any worse than this? It would be fun to see Life try to give me something worse!

Oh Lord, help me. Is there something I have to learn from all these? Is this karma? Do I need to learn how to be patient? Or do I just have to be persistent and look for the Right One for me? I need some divine intervention. Please.

dear you

you obviously don't care. let me count the ways:

1. you don't reply to my emails. you never did.
2. you seem to forget everything you've promised me, and
3. you are still involved with someone else.

Is this an ultimatum? I guess so. I should be happy.

initiate!

I was rude, I didn't ask. I was thinking you'd reply anyway. You should know me that much. I don't like to ask some questions, because darling, I'm afraid of what you'd say.

I know you've read my email.

So, how are you?

3 things

3 things:

1. Finished all the tasks my Mom asked me to do. Hay!
2. Had an interview, learned how to commute from that company (different route).
3. 2 companies called up- forgot the first one that was supposed to send me the contract through email today. second one is a bank, scheduling me for an exam on friday.

Can i have a 4th? It's you. :)

lovely day

I'm confiding to you almost daily now. You can sense I haven't done much lately. Haha. Well anyway, I have an interview later this afternoon. It is a pretty nice company; i love their business model. I love what they do and why they do it. I hope they can offer me a good training program. What are your plans, by the way? :)

P.S. my previous entry probably showed the worst in me when it comes to relationships. I hope you're not disappointed with me.

thoughts

I want to talk about him (you-know-who). You have to understand, I have to start letting go.

We've known each other for nearly 7 years, just 1 month short. It may be because we're so used to each other that it's hard to let go. We're there for each other when no one else is. We function as "reserve" friends/dates when we need someone only when it's convenient to us, not out of obligation or commitment, or even just plain love.

When convenient, when favorable. We even go for months of no communication, and later on we'll just pick up where we left off. This kind of relationship is destructive, yet so addictive. Going for fleeting pleasures, not long-term happiness. We can't just discard those years we spent together, even now that I want to break the habit. Why did we let it continue for 7 years? I don't know. Maybe we just didn't care enough to risk knowing whether if it's going to work or not. We just let it be.

I know I don't want him, I just love the IDEA of someone being there for me anytime I want, and someone who wants me and needs me...well yeah, SOMETIMES.

We are not suited for each other - he bores me, and i think i have the same effect on him too. You may think I am dull and inactive, but he is worse. If you look at our resumes (credentials), I think mine is so much better. If you look at our day-to-day activities and our achievements (tasks done), you'll think I'm a superhero if you're putting his level for the average man. He tries to be interesting (to level up with me, I guess) but he ends up so pretentious and embarasses me even more. Yes, I feel ashamed for him. Haha. I hope I don't give you that feeling. Okay I admit, I probably did sometimes.

There are moments when you can read and predict what the other person is thinking. And oh, I really don't like it when it happens and I feel so disgusted with their thoughts. I don't know if my instincts is so off, but they always fall flat to the trap.

And when you can read what they're thinking (as long as you're focused on the people AND the situation you're all in), it's hard not be cranky and crabby and anything grouchy. It's hard for me to pretend to be nice and happy when I know what thoughts crosses their mind. Okay, I shouldn't think bad of others when they haven't even started saying anything bad yet. But the thoughts! You can see what they're thinking based on their actions! You'd probably think I'm crazy but I can read them before they themselves even realize why they're doing something.

'Cause darling, I can read him. I can't read you. (So Edward? Haha) You are more interesting, exciting, and you have so much more going on in your life than him. I can't be with someone who has less activities than me. It bores me and he'll feel insecure anyway.

Pure rant. Pure madness. Pure love.

3 realizations

don't know what to do today...update my planner i guess.

3 realizations:

1. that I shouldn't make plans and timelines, i end up getting so disappointed and frustated when things don't go according to plan. and then i'm unable to appreciate the sweet surprises that pass my way. so, no more plans! :D hell with "The Secret". It doesn't work for me in concrete terms. I only have to wish for the vaguest thing that I really really want, have faith, and then move on. No more with the HOWs and WHYs (i.e. planning and reasoning), just plain wishing.

2. have to be ready for you.

3. be happy! :D no matter what, even if i have no reason at all.

sweet, concise, and precise

what's in a word?

Hello darling,

As you may have seen in that social networking site, I was into some very awkward situations over the weekend. I probably need some help on "how to avoid and deal with embarassing situations". Haha. And you are so much better on this than me. You know that.

You've seen me (you were WITH me) during some of my weirdest, awkwardest*, most embarassing moments ever. And it's so comforting to know that you're still a friend.

Missing you. :)


*this word, if this really exists, looks really awkward. :D

results released

I received an email today. I wasn't prepared, I thought it was going to be released next week. I didn't get in. I was rejected..again.

But I guess when God closes the door, he opens a window. So cliche but that's all I have left to believe in. I can cry and mop but that's not going to solve anything, right? I wish you're here; you always know what to do.

I guess then, He doesn't want me to leave. If it's not for me, having given my best (except for the interview haha but overall, I think I did too well), then I'm willing to let go.

Guess I'll see you around?

3 things

3 things:
1. A company called :)
2. Went to Gilmore- had my mom's laptop fixed
3. Went to Greenhills - i love the bags! don't have a job yet, so no budget for that right now

so excited! :)

Can't wait to see you!
Are you going to bring me something? Haha.
Well it doesn't matter, I just want you to be here on that particular day.
But I could use a little surprise. :)

see you

I'd like to see you next week.
But if you really can't come, you can cancel your confirmation to the event.
Although I'm still hoping you'd be there. :)

dream job away.

I don't know what to do, darling. I didn't get the job that I really really want. After rejecting 3 companies and now that I have an idea on what I want, this is the only time I got rejected? Actually, I didn't really give my best into it. I was so depressed that day, like I'm going to take any offer, 'cause I was already tired looking for my "dream job". And I was thinking of actually cancelling the interview but just for the sake of honoring the commitment, I did. But I learned something, you know. That was when I realized what I want, and that I have to give my best in everything I do - no matter how secured or emotionally tired I am, 'cause that's when opportunity might present itself.

And I missed it!

There were two of us vying for that position. The other person is from the company itself and probably had a lot of work experience already. But I can't just blame it on that; I believe I could have done better in that interview at least to have a chance to get to the next round.

Enough about me (even though this is my blog haha). How are you? :)

patience.

if that's how you want it. if that's what you want...then fine..or was it because you just couldn't do anything about it?

but why didn't you tell me earlier? i'd like to be informed as soon as you make a decision instead of waiting for the last minute.

oh i'm really not good at waiting. but i can't make them come sooner, can i?

scholarship

They sent an email today, saying they'll release the results by the end of next week. Said it wouldn't be later than friday. So + 14 hours, I say I'll receive it by Saturday 6am.

Just in time. :)

yesterday's 3 things

3 things yesterday:
1. IBM exam - had to do something while waiting.
2. learned how to commute from Libis - i'm learning!
3. applied in other companies - through email.

---
I'm making a lot of mistakes. I realize I shouldn't have waited. I usually don't wait, but now that I'm trying to be patient....Oh well. At least November is going to end soon, I hope December will give me a fresh new start in everything!

Have to laugh inspite of all this darned mess. Thanks to God for keeping me alive. :)

Good morning! :)

ctrlA + Del

I'm thinking of deleting this blog. But then everytime I browse through my entries, it seems like I'd be deleting a part of me. They remind me of my feelings, of my thoughts on that particular day.

Oh whatever. When I need to move on, I will.

3 things

3 things:

1. Issued my very first check today! Haha I was so nervous writing the numbers and signing my name. It used to be just handling my parents' checks to be given to the payees, and learning the process in our law class.

2. Uploaded the pictures of this week's events.

3. I realized I am sooo over him. Whew! It feels great! :D

anticipating

will clean up soon. :)

comma

It's one of these moments that I really really wish you're here. You're missing a lot, but I'm glad you'll be there for the last one.

We're going to the waterpark. And of the most unfortunate moments, I have my period today. Haha Well it won't flow while I'm in the water, but I wouldn't want to risk anyone seeing a spot of red clot in my swimsuit right?

So much to tell you! See you! :)

Mrs. Anerton

read "The Muse's Tragedy" this morning.

intellectual comrade? a new concept yet so familiar. why am i playing all the roles of wharton's women?

i pride myself that he involves me in all his important decisions, out of habit and because we suit each other - not because he loves me. i hope i don't end up like Mrs. Anerton, who at middle-age realized everything she missed in her youth. It is because he didn't love me, it is because I never got what I wanted, that I wasn't able to move on.

--
I always felt with pride that the other girl passed on to you (as well as her previous one) after I was done with each of you. But I was the coward, wasn't I? She tried, she loved and received something in return. I, on the other hand, lived on illusions, on what-ifs, on vagueness. There
wasn't a start nor an end, sort of like a fleeting moment which you only depend on fate whether to move you forward or not. It's like a period of "let's see where it goes" and if nothing happens, then one can easily exit without any reproach from the other person; no guilt - you didn't promise anything.

Yes please, I'll give it a try with everything attached to it - the time, the attention and the commitment. I will not settle again for a fleeting moment, i'm willing to risk friendship. I will be brave enough to swim through deeper waters. I will emerge victorious or I will drown; either way I moved. I will no longer be playing in the shallow waters darling. An ultimatum (how many times have I said this before?) has to work for me; it must.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

This morning, I finished reading Wilde's Dorian Gray - about a corrupted person who was always seeking pleasure and not happiness. An innocent, sweet-faced young man who was poisoned by a book.

--And I realized, from reading Wharton and Wilde- aside from the usual standards, I want someone who leads a more exciting, more interesting life than me. So I guess I like men who are a bit egoistic - who won't tolerate liking, loving, and living with a person who is more interesting (or less dull) than they are. I want someone who's got an ambition, a passion for life. Not fleeting passions for pleasure, but a life-long passion for happiness, that will keep us from becoming dull and conventional. I want someone who will live life with me - we will travel the world together, overcome obstacles, and love each other more every single day. It is such a romanticized view of the future, but I will persist.

So, Am I Dorian Gray? Lord Henry? or Basil?

Dorian Gray

They just don't feel right, you know.
As if they're just part of the learning process I have to go through..
And not my destination.
Well, that's life anyway-
A journey, and not something you'll arrive at.

3 things that made me happy today:
1. I finished reformatting and reinstalling my sister's laptop. Took me one whole day!
2. I'm reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's amusing and tragic at the same time. Lots of new philosophies, ways of looking at life. Giving me a new perspective on dealing with things. Lots of realizations. Dorian Gray - new subject matter after ethan frome haha
3. Happy times at home. No worries except for a few petty ones.

Why are people so confusing? Maybe I should learn not to overthink, over-analyse or try to be sensitive of other people's feelings. I don't get them right, and it's just not me. You're better at this, you know. :)

applications

Have pending applications in at least 4 companies. Wouldn't hurt to try.

Oh by the way, sir offered to send my resume to SCB's HR. Apparently, the HR manager is a friend of his. He sent it yesterday. I told him you may be interested but that I won't bother you while you're on vacation. We''ll talk about it when you arrive, yes?

I'll try to be more offline these coming days. Starting tomorrow - will check mail only twice a day. Will try to get out more. Haha. Been fixing my sister's laptop since yesterday. Was so bored waiting for all the installing and downloading that I had to be online most of the time to prevent sleeping.

November 4 - turned down 2 companies; last day for sending online applications
Nov 5 onwards - wait for pending applications :)
Dec 5 - decide :) :) :)

waiting

I miss you darling. I hope you're having fun wherever you are. No use being miserable in circumstances we can't control.

I have lots to tell you!

First, I cancelled my application to the two companies I've applied. I have decided to wait for the results of my scholarship application. Now we're back to the original plan. I've been so bored with no deadlines to meet or exams to study for, that I've wanted to hurry things up. Wanted to fast forward everything. Now I think I should learn to be patient, and wait. But I have an interview in another company on the 19th. I want a company who can take me for just four months (Dec-Mar).

Second, the other scholarship I've been eyeing is no longer open. So I guess I really have to wait for you to decide.

Third, I have a party this weekend. I'll send you an invitation later even though I know you can't come. :)

I can't make them come sooner. Haha. I'll wait for you.

process of learning

i'm learning-
that there's a lot more in this world,
there's so much more i can do,
so many oppotunities,
that i only have to be aware of them.

and i'm learning not to be insecure,
when i see people who are-
prettier, smarter, wealthier, more educated
-better than me in certain aspects
or maybe all.
i'm learning to learn from them,
and make myself a better person. :)

I learned to:
1. be aware of my insecurities
2. face them rather than turning away or ignoring the causes
3. assess the differences, and try to apply them in my life.

sure, theoretically i know them already. but to actually do it? Haha.
I'm having a hard time but i'm determined.
I know I'll learn. and i'll be so much happier then.

fb

with that networking site,
i'm hooked (but not so much as the others),
torn, and it's giving me more than my occassional bouts of insecurities.
i always feel like i'm such a boring person,
compared to those who post a lot.

do you ever feel that way, darling?
I'm happy with my life now (will be happier with you though haha),
trying to make the best out of everything and anything that comes my way.
Then I log on, hoping to be updated of my friends,
but then I end up feeling so miserable.

Ah, the false beauty of pretentiousness.

out of sync

So much for timing, darling. Haha
I'm awful terrible at that;
although sometimes I can sync myself with another person.
I just need some time to adjust. :)

3 things on a sunday

3 things:

1. budgeting:
downloaded some free budgeting programs and decided on which one to use. Planned out my budgeting strategy which will be implemented this november. It's going to be a clean fresh start; still waiting for some of my accounts to be debited/credited. zero out by november. learning something! :)

2. sonnets:
Shakespeare's first 3 sonnets are so into procreation. It's like he's saying the only purpose women are here is to aid in reproduction. amusing :)

3. relaxing: :)
i watched transformers 2; will watch gi joe tonight. clearing up my mind these days before i go home. i'm so excited to go home, not really to be "at home" but rather i just want to do something different or i think i just need a change of scenery.

-didn't go to church. lots of people there and it's going to give me a headache, plus it was so hot outside. will attend a mass tomorrow after PRC/PICPA registration. And oh, i sent my resume to ING last friday. Think maybe they'd call this week? :)

Reading

Oh btw, I'm reading Shakespeare's sonnets everyday. One sonnet a day. Haha
I think I have to start on the Bible too.

Budgeting

I think I need to learn how to budget my money.
Because if I continue delaying it, later on there will be none to budget.
Quite a hard thing to do.
I have to face my fears-
zero out my credit card,
account for my transacations using my debit cards,
And compute my net worth.

It has to be on a regular basis.
But i hate checking my accounts,
and seeing the dismal amounts.

But I have to face it right?
All my college life, my accounts were in a complete mess.
And now that I'm finally done with college,
I have to learn this thing,
I've been putting off for years.

Today is my BUDGETING day.

interviews

Hello, how was your flight?

Btw, I sent my resume to FH the other day and I had my interview yesterday.
It was okay, average. Will have to do a case next week.

However, this morning at 6am (still sleeping and my maid woke me up),
I had my interview for the scholarship.
I was supposed to wake up at 6 and study for that which was scheduled at 8am.
So I wasn't able to study. Haha.
Results will be released on November 27th.

:)

yes we did

Commensurate to our efforts, eh?
Didn't get a place but so what? Haha
I'm so happy for us darling.
We made it! :)

Oh by the way, the society offers at most 10 scholarships for any fiscal year.
Think maybe we could each get one for next year?

in 7 hours

Are we going to make it, darling?
I'm so excited to see the results!

And oh, I miss you already. :)

faith and hope

We're going to pass this exam, right?
I want to get at least the 3rd place. Haha
It's a long shot from my preboard exams but who cares?
It doesn't matter-
As long as my mind's clear when I take the exam
As long as I can remember everything I've studied
As long as I'm happy
Then I can answer everything
Perfectly, completely well.

What's your place, darling?
If we're gonna dream, then we should dream of the highest most wondrous things.
Nothing wrong with wishing to be included in the top 10, yes?
or hey, what about the first place? :D

Have faith.

3 things

1. A bit late but still, I only missed 3 items on the handout! Hehe :)
2. I think I learned a lot in school today. Brushed up on my law lessons.
3. I learned I can erase negative thoughts just by thinking of positive ones. yey! such a relief! :D

charity

I've read this somewhere before, that it's easier to help nameless faceless people than those you are much closer to, like friends and kin.

And I agree, it's true. You help one-time, no commitments, no follow-ups, and you feel happy because you've helped someone and you're wishing it made a difference in their lives. But the long-term kind of helping your relatives and friends? It's more difficult because you get involved with the main problems and you see how they make use of the help you gave.

pop culture

The problem with pop culture is not so much on the mainstream ideas themselves, but rather on the feeling of 'knowing everything' that it gives you. It may seem to you that what you see is all there is to it, when in fact there are a lot more ways to look at a particular idea. It causes a person to become so narrow-minded that it reduces him to be like what society dictates him to be - nothing more, and just like everybody else.

But then, I despise the people who so desire to be unique (or at least they want people to think of them that way) that they have to scream and show the rest that their tastes and preferences are different and supposedly superior than the masses'.

application

No matter how stupid it may seem,
at least it's giving me something to live for,
something to wake up for,
something to look forward to.
'Cause darling, now I know how it feels
Not to want to wake up at all.

3 things

Monday

1. Early at class today! Well not really, just arrived before the teacher did so I didn't miss any lessons. Hehe.

2. Sent my UPeace application package! I'm hoping I'll get the scholarship! :) Results by late November.

3. Watched The Nanny. I love that show! :D

say

Tell me you still adore me.
Tell me you still love me.
Tell me you don't want to change me.
'Cause I'm willing to take the risk
But not if that is how it's going to be.

3 things

1. Had a break from my studies. Loved the smell inside the mall; oh i miss it so.
2. Just talking with lyn and seeing my batchmates, it was nice.
3. Some people are in a worse situation than me.

Now I know everything should be and will be okay.

no worries at all

I wish you're here with me.
Because I feel more secure, and I don't know why.
It seems like everything's going to be just fine when I'm with you.
I know it's not a reason to be careless or negligent, but I don't worry at all when you're around.
And now that it's super stressful with all the backlogs and cramming,
I just need to know that you're there for me-
That we're going through this together,
and tell me that everything will be just fine.

yesterday

You were irritable yesterday.
You don't want to talk to me, and you don't want to see me.
Are you just stressed or is it genuine dislike?

:)

and they say patience is a virtue

Mr. X

So what about Mr. X?

You probably know this already - our relationship was over years ago; it just took me a really long time to move on. Now I keep on thinking how much better you are for me, or you just really are a much better person anyway.

When Mr. X and I were together, we were so immature and competitive (a sign of immaturity) on who's smarter, more experienced, and who lives a more exciting life. With you, I don't have to pretend or assert superiority. Well, I rarely pretend but then I have to keep up just to show him I'm at par with him. It was stressful, and although we did try to make it work - it wouldn't. We were in pari delicto, and there was lack of enthusiasm (or passion) on either side to make room for the other. We were simply too young, too inexperienced. But I don't regret it, and neither does he (i hope so), because we learned. It's a process we had to undergo, and even though we found we were simply not for each other- the time we spent together and tried to care for the other - taught us something that we will carry on in our future relationships, and wishing that someday when the right one comes, we're ready.

So the years spent aren't exactly a waste of time, effort, and everything else that goes into a relationship. Because in that process I learned to look for and discover new things; I learned to be more patient (than i was before; still working on it); I started developing my own personality and character and sticking to it no matter what other people say; and in the end, I learned how to understand and adjust to the personality & temperaments of another person.

In the process of being more exciting than him (competitiveness kicking in), I had to look for ways to enliven my life. On a shallow note, I learned about computers and cars from him. :) I need to learn those things to be able to converse with him. So see? Not really a waste of time. And I'd like to think he learned some new things from me too.

I'm thinking that if I know a lot of things that interests a wide variety of people and it makes me able to converse with them, maybe in that way, I'll meet the right one for me.

-----

Now I wish you'd think of lunch or something. I'd love to see you tomorrow. :)

listen

"My life would suck without you"
Love that Kelly Clarkson song

tarot

I went to Galleria yesterday and I got a coupon offering a free 5-min tarot card reading. Haha yeah, i wouldn't let a free thing pass yes? So I went to the 4th floor and looked for the stall. It was a pretty small one with two cubicles. I waited for a minute for the reader to show up and he led me to one of the curtain-covered rooms. Cut the deck of cards into 3 using my left hand, then spread over, concentrated for a minute (breathing slowly) with hands over the cards, then was asked to get 3 cards using my left hand again. He told me just two things though: issues with work/career and relationships. Then he asked me to get another card and said the last one showed I'd be stable if i can resolve the two issues he stated before. 4th card was The Empress i think. I managed to see the "E". Haha.

Think it lasted for just 2 minutes. But anyway, although nothing specific was stated, those things have been on my mind lately. Anyone would think those two are applicable to anyone but at least they didn't end up in financial and health issues. God help me.

As for my work/career, I'm not working yet so I don't know how it applies. Well maybe that's it - the fact that I don't have a definite plan yet and there are concerns with my current plan. As for relationships, zero lovelife would count as an issue? He asked if there's someone, and then I was so embarassed to admit that there's no one but I just said he's just not committed to me. Because you want marriage, he said. Longterm yes, because I don't like it to end just like any other relationship. Fact is, even though it hasn't started yet, I don't want it to end.

Now I'm wondering if my career plan and relationship issues are intertwined. Is there a way where I can fix both? A solution that will go well for the two? As of now, my plan is to apply for the scholarship abroad- that's either a yes or a no. So if I leave, am i going to meet someone there? Unlikely though.

Or should I stay?

Now assuming I have a high probability of getting the scholarship, would you like me to continue my application?

Garfield

i love Garfield these days
been reading the vault for the past months, going back more than a decade back
it's funny how he thinks,
and how he views life
maybe out of boredom i'm doing this
maybe out of loneliness i'm doing this
but darling, are you happy?

why?

i can't understand why you're there and i'm stuck here
you always make me feel better you know
now i feel so tired and stressed
and i wish you're here with me
i'm hoping you feel the same way too

Practicing for TOEFL :)

Topic: More important for students to study history and literature than science and math.

History and literature are often intertwined in reference to past events and philosophies. Although they are very important in understanding our current situation, they can be detrimental in such a way that a person perceives no other solution or philosophy to improve the status quo. Although both are helpful such that they can advise people in avoiding repeating the mistakes of the past, them alone cannot help Mankind to move forward.

On the other hand, Science and Mathematics are quite abstract and forward-looking fields; interrelated in a way that Math is a subordinate of Science. Math is given a purpose by Science; it provides for the calculations needed in a scientific experiment to prove and disprove theories.

To be buried in history and literature will make a man make discoveries of the past, a new revelation perhaps. But it is a very backward-looking life, forever looking behind and appreciating all that is past and not the present nor the future.

The present is our time; we have to make something out of it and not by just looking on the glories of our ancestors. We do appreciate them and we learn from them, and those learnings are the ground, the rock- from which base we start to move forward.

It is my opinion therefore, that they are all equally important and that students should be able to have a fair understanding on each of the four subjects. To have a common ground on all these will make students more considerate of the other aspects as well as a broader view on life. Their perspectives or responses on a particular issue will then include the point of view from the other fields. The exposure to the different fields will lead the students to realize what they really want. It is then on higher education that students can have the option on what they want to specialize in.

a play

i watched a show a few hours ago and i had fun observing the contestants.
from a point of view of a detached audience- as audiences are anyway.
---
iv seen that scenario so many times -unfolding in front of me
played out so many times in the past months.


it seemed like there was something going on between them, a past romance i guess
they tried to act civilly
the girl wanted so much to impress everybody
that by giving the correct answers she will be able to impress him
and show everybody she's worth something-at least more than they think of her now
she tries to act happy, hyper even
but amidst the ever smiling face, there is the feeling that somehow
he will admire her and probably love her again
that maybe if she was able to answer everything he asked of her
he'll admire her, he'll think more of her
and realize how much he lost.
she was eager to impress him to see how much she was really worth to him.
but then he was cool
pretty pretty cool
and he was focused on his objectives-
play cool,and play well.

at the end of the game, the girl lost.
she gave the wrong answers on the few times he asked for help
he called on her just to show everybody he acted civilly and that he was a sport
even when she was there by his side, he acted as if she wasnt
he showed her he doesnt-didnt need her, and he can well answer for his own
they were both trying to make a point-
that each was superior to another,that the other should be the one begging
one was hurt
one was appeasing
both were proud
and the girl lost.

but love, romance- at least sometime in the past
was remembered again.
they werent over it
whatever it is that drifted them apart- or drew them close in the first place.

Trust Issues

You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
uncurrents rise us above everyone else.

If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?

People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.

To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize
how much I've lost.

You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, without your help, show you
how much I care about you.
Because darling,
I don't know how.

pretend darling

i am a little desperate..a bit desperate to move on, move out and leave this place.

i cannot, with all the patience and tolerance that i have, stay in one place for too long. nor be with the same people for a long time. it tires me, bores me, and makes me sick and irritated with everything and everybody. i need a change of scenery every now and then, to reflect and to forget. i never had a best friend perhaps because of this. i see people in the best way i can. i approach people with the best intentions. i easily make friends, draw them closer than what others can do. and then there is the wall. i do not easily reveal secrets, and i prefer concealment than lying. i am a terrible liar; the best i can do is put on a poker face and be silent. and my friends will reach the limit, and i cannot draw them closer anymore, nor do i want to.

i feel so...neglected lately. was it my fault then, that i was so secretive and do not participate much in conversations? maybe it's true, that indeed i am a loner. im okay being alone, unlike some people who need companions most of the time.

up to last year, i always thought i can get along with any person, at least from the start. up to last year, i thought i have enough patience to tolerate the need to stay with any person for some time. turned out i was wrong big time. as months went by, i realized i was alone in my little world. i have always been a spectator rather than a particpant in anything. people i love to watch. but to interact is a diferent matter. most of the time they come naturally though.

what i have been saying might be contradicting. i do get along well with people especially those i talk to the first time, but these are those whom i met several times before. but any closer and any newer will probably make me nervous and edgy.

they never do seem to understad me. their way of thinking is different from mine. and though they are accurate most of the time, the narrow mindedness and limitations of the way they think annoys me.

my communication skills are not good, not as good as them. i cannot make them comprehend my ideas, thoughts. they think im stupid so most of the time i just leave them alone until they were able to realize or think on their own what i have been saying or what was obvious for a long time.

they probably do not intend to bully or annoy me, but their teasing on certain matters really gets me. sometimes i pretend i do not hear or see them. i pretend that i did not understand them, just to prevent any more damage on my part.

it tires me so to be in this state. and it depresses me more. i wish i could go out. transfer and move away, before i break somebody else's neck.