today is an all-time low

I want to move all the time, just to be somewhere different than before. It may seem like I'm escaping all the time, and maybe it is so.

Darling, i never seem to fit anywhere. There are always tensions and i don't know if they're self-induced. I hope I can be the ray of sunshine of everyone i meet. But I'm always worried about money, feeling not so good, or sometimes hungry. My situation is pathetic, i know. Sometimes I don't want to eat breakfast or lunch, because I know I'll have a good dinner and so I don't have to spend for the first two meals. I'd just stuff myself during dinner.

I know, i know. I need to learn how to relax. That's why I need to be away; because I need to learn how to do things on my own and stop being a nuisance to others. But sometimes it's so difficult trying to be strong all the time. I just want to relax, and be carefree. And I know, that when I'm relaxed and not trying HARD to do anything - everything that I wish for (& more) comes to me willingly. This is my training, darling. I need to learn something to improve myself, so I'll be ready for you.

I need to discipline myself, and start being happy. I need to relax, and let go. I need to learn how to stop trying too hard and worrying. And, I need this training on how to be independent so that we won't have a hard time together.

Good news: I'm becoming more punctual!
Bad news: My output and productivity is suffering. I am neither effective nor efficient at the moment.

I need you to support me that everything will be alright. So I don't need to worry, and try too hard. But you don't seem to need me, so I guess I'm all alone. My self-esteem is in its record low. Darling, why can't I feel happy? Is it because of too much caffeine? Why am I not feeling happy? Do I need chocolates for this?

Btw, the food here is really great. lots of veggies and different ways of cooking. But lots of msg i guess. terrible after-taste. I'm yearning for a "fry-up"! feels like my tongue is full of MSG all the time.

meant to be

Am I meant to be here, darling?

It was easy for me to get here, and I don't feel as much resistance as I normally do on changes. But then again, I'm a mover. I move a lot, and residences are always temporary for me. I've probably stayed in 15-20 houses over my lifetime - and they are the "permanent" addresses type (months to years).

No resistance, just smooth flow. It was easy, fast, and I feel at home.

And the people I meet? They're like family. And oh, I got the book I was looking for several months already.

But then, are we?

dream land

So, i moved in to a new house today. this morning. I have a nice room, bigger and better than the earlier one. It's clean, net, and fully furnished! :) It's got an aircon, a TV and dvd player, a fan, a cabinet, a nice desk & chair. :)

Well, the family I'm living with is nice and friendly. They gave me sheets and a pillow, and I'm free to use the kitchen too. I wish I have some extra money right now to buy some food. I'm always so hungry lately. I want to buy and eat some real food. I bought a bread a while ago, cheapest one I could find. I couldn't really buy from the street because there's no price and sometimes, they try to rip me off. I hate it. I wish I'll stop thinking about being ripped off, coz it will always happen if i do. Maybe i should bring my calculator to show how much. or learn the numbers in the local language. Hay.

So there. Dead broke.

Anyway, the family I'm with - the dad's a fireman, the mom's a cook in the police department, and the daughter is a chemist who works in the fire department's laboratory (same place as dad's), and the son is in shanghai for university studies. And there's a cousin staying here also for university.

Kinda surreal, isn't it? Just like in the movies! Haha. I've always wanted an exciting life. Similar to what I see in the films. I'm a small-town girl who dreams of traveling the world, and experiencing a different kind of life.

Another thing- they have a lot of opportunities here! I've met a lot of students who has sisters/brothers in US, Europe, etc studying on a scholarship! Isn't it grand? And we, in the premier university in our country barely have enough scholarships just studying there! So envious of these people! When we are as good as them, and better even in communication. Oh, i really hope I can get a scholarship in an Ivy League university and work abroad! One of our dreams.

I'm also wondering at their level of income. The family that I'm living with have a really nice house, in a good location at that. So how can they afford it? The people here must be earning pretty well even at that level of work.

easy

"I don't know if I should care for a man who made life easy; I should want someone who made it interesting."
— Edith Wharton

Mark Twain's Roughing It

I've just read the last chapter of Mark Twain's Roughing it:

"Moral: If the reader thinks he is done, now, and that this book has no moral to it, he is in error. The moral of it is this: If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them - if the people you go among suffer by the operation."

With more than a century between us, Mark Twain captured my situation so accurately that I'm laughing my head off at this very moment. This excerpt can be found at the end of the last chapter and before the appendix. This is so hilarious.

I've dutifully read every single sentence in the book for about the first 60%, and randomly selected chapters in the next 40%. So I haven't read the other stories, but I find them quite amusing. Really. Life is all about Roughing It.

Thank you so much, Mark Twain. :D

darling

it would be nice if you'd come here. and no cheating.

settle down?

I just want to try something different. Youth has its perks: I have the energy, the determination to be risky, and the excuse to be reckless. And I've seen, youth has special benefits from society - they're not apparent, but if you try to look for "special" opportunities, you'll see them. Young people are exempted from the demands of the bureaucracy - be it an internship, a volunteer program, etc. They see youths as a new blood- which can help the ailing economy to achieve a different, more successful route.

Coz if I settle for a permanent "career", hey, when will I be able to do what I wanted to do? What I've always dreamt of doing? I just want to see what else is out there; what else the world can offer me; and what else can be done.

Different perspectives lead people to better solutions, more win-win situations.

Give me some time, darling. I'd settle down in a while. :D

tried

I tried to really work. So my laptop was turned on the whole day. But I can't seem to start right. I'll just sleep and wake up early tomorrow, hoping all my creative ideas will come rushing and inspire me to do my work.

I can smell some cooked food - like freshly baked cookies. But I know they are not, because there's not even an oven here.

I hope I can live a better life than what I have right now. But I want you with me. No matter what happens, we'll be there for each other.

potential

I guess there are a lot of people with more problems that I have right now. Not really problems, i'm just worrying myself sick of the future "potential" problems. Mostly due to financial scarcity. Oh well, after worrying for it the past week, and no solution has arrived - I guess I'll just leave it up to God. and He will take care of it. I tried, really really tried, to get another job. But it seems all doors are slamming on my face - nobody wants me. So there.

I resolve to be happy, try to minimize expenses, but would no longer worry about my future problems. Will take of them as they come.

How about you, darling? :)

guten morgen

happy? :)
can't wait to see you again!

3 things

that made my day:

1. Taught my first class! It was great! I hope they enjoyed it, and learned a lot in the process.
2. Confirmed for my new house/room! :)
3. Bought some bread and milk. Gosh, i miss my usual fare at home. I love peanut butter but it's so expensive here! imported from US. but love it love it love it. wish it's sweeter though. haha. just like the ones Philippine-made.

now that i've told you something about my day, tell me about yours. :)

?

I still find it hard to believe - do you or do you not love me?

yes?

Aren't you going to talk to me? :/

I would really like to talk to you. Because darling, if you want me there, I'd be there. :)

3 things

you reminded me of 3 things:

1. accounting books
2. thick clothes
3. roaming

I was able to prepare for the last item only. And now, I realize everything you said was right. Haha. How I wish I listened to you.

bye

I got the message loud and clear - you don't want me.

Okay then, I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you in the coming months. Goodbye. :)

hormones

too much caffeine and raging hormones. darn. shouldn't have taken much coffee and tea. and my period is so bad timing.

Haha. Met a cute guy last night though.

illusions again

darling, i'm kinda busy tomorrow. going someplace with friends all over the city. i miss you, and i wish you're here. But you'd never really "go" with me, right? You have commitments, and you have hesitations about being risky and adventurous, even when you've been dreaming about it for so long. Will you ever live up to your dreams? Will you ever try and just jump? Or will just wait forever for that "perfect opportunity" that will knock on your door without any effort and give you "a too good to be true" chance of a lifetime?

i hope this weekend will be something for me. I need some cheering up every now and then. And i know you do too. I'm so sorry I'm not there with you all this time. But you know I have to do this, right? I have to, in order to become a better person. And I know you'll love me more (and hate me too) for this. I hope you'll be online in a while, and please tell me that you do care about me.

I wonder, will we ever meet again? and feel the same way as we did before? But why oh why, in all my illusions, are my feelings getting stronger?

now

now that i'm here- you don't want to talk to me anymore? :/

hello

Good morning! How are you today? It's been pretty chilly here, so i still can't sleep well. But it's not as freezing as before. :)

hey you

But hey- you admitted last night that you were online everyday before i left. Was it intentional? :)

-----

Funny thing here: Saw a Kia car with the name New Morning. I remember seeing another car named Jolie (forgot the manufacturer's name but it's a famous brand). Hehe. Localized? I don't see any of those in our country.

how are you?

What are you up to lately? Everytime we talk, I'm always bursting with stories that I always forget to ask you about your life, until it's too late and you're saying goodbye.

Why didn't you text me then? I'm on roaming anyway. After you so insisted on it. Haha. And you didn't text me the day I left, you weren't online the night before it, and for a darn whole week after that day. And you didn't even drive me home that night we had dinner! Agh.

Where are you now? I just want to know what's happening to you for the past few months. :)

Just tell me - what and where are we now?

really?

You did it for me? :)

not BS? :/

gnyt

and you didn't. chuc anh ngu ngon. :(

try

I'm trying to reach out, patch things up. I hope you'll cooperate.

princess

When I get back, i wont be a princess anymore. haha.

I want to prove to myself that i can do anything, no matter where I am. With my life now, i'm pretty independent. and i'm not asking money from my parents anymore. i have to make do with what i have.:)

Just a bit of lakwatsa after college, but i have to pay my way. And it's fun and really educational at the same time! :)

you

i want to ask you a lot of questions:

1. did you just put me under cruise control?
2. why didn't you even say goodbye?
3. what's up with you now? How's the job application process?

internship

Internship - just another excuse for companies to hire young people(fresh university grads) temporarily (like probe) for low wages, in exchange for experience and additional boost in a resume. So most of the time, companies that offer this kind of employment is a big multi-national, or has some clout with its name.

Haha. Well, that's my personal definition of that word. Okay lang, basta at least break-even ako. :)

here (part 2)

1. They lock their gates from the inside. There's a small square hole where you can put your hand to lock or unlock the padlock. It is so difficult at first! Takes a lot of practice.

2. They really dress well here. People are mostly in shoes (stilletos for women!) and longsleeves (corporate attire). I feel so underdressed (too casual) or overdressed (too formal) most of the time. They're somehow in the middle - casual dressy or smart casual or casual chic. And they all somehow fit together in the environment/setting. Even if they're driving motorbikes.

3. They can wear silk. It's not humid here. Weather is really good, and it's not so dusty or windy. It doesn't smell so polluted either.

4. My office has really nice classrooms! And one of my teachers uses a notepad through a computer and a stylus then projected. It was really good. Imported teachers = malaysians.

5. We drink coffee, tea most of the time. Tea is just water and a tea bag. Filipinos really have a sweet tooth - sweet everything! Here, the focus is mostly on the natural flavor of the food.

5. Most people here are either buddhist or atheist. Athough there are a lot of pagodas, a "normal person" here doesn't have a religion.

hang-over

It's not our game anymore. Let's move on. There are a lot of things we can still do (not to mention more fun & exciting) than what we had then. You've got a very heavy hang-over, darling. :)

Te extraño

Annnnnddd you miss me! Hahaha.

Anyway, i took the bus yesterday - just me. It was my first time, and I was on my own. I was armed with a map and some cash. Haha. And some notes I just show to the conductor, written in Vietnamese by my classmate (and new found friend). So nice! :D

Oh well, I hope I can get another job during my free time.

:)

PS: that's from yahoo answers hahaha

here

people here don't bother much on cleanliness. they throw everything everywhere. restaurants seem like garbage dumps with toothpicks (they use it like candy - public and a darn long time), tissue papers, and whatever else fell on the table/floor.

they're nice enough coz they are very patient (seldom angry), and they don't mind the unruly drivers. there's a lack of street/driving rules here. there is always a left turn in intersections so can you imagine turning left when the other side is rushing from the opposite direction? head-on (or sideways?) collision! hay. so stressful.

what else? i want a nice breakfast - bacon, ham and eggs. can't get it here.

and oh, i just passed by a duty free this morning! finally, maybe i can get some jams and peanut butter there. i can't find cotton and jams at the supermarket. but the usual meals here are good - mostly vegetarian.

there are also lots and lots of cafes (pho, bia hoi, and restaurants with seats outside) and karaoke here.

yahoo

haha yahoo posted some dating tips. of course i read it! and my gosh, you just hit 2 - #5&7. and i'm not even sure. Haha.

'cause you're nice, you really are. when I have a problem with my car, i always text/call you. and you were always there to talk to me on just about anything (waaay back then). but 2points over 10? i admit the rest i don't even care about. haha. but it would be nice if you hit a 100%.

so what happened to us?

youthsays

Haha. just browsing my seachange page, earning a few pesos for every survey but none right now. I should probably edit my profile to get all possible surveys. out of sheer boredom, darling.

Check it out so I'll get some points, haha:
http://philippines.youthsays.com/pyro/waterday

swot

So I'm going to teach a subject in CAT and ICFE. Oh well. Haha. English is not particularly my strong point, but hey, this is a time for me to work on my weaknesses. Same thing with my work last month - auditing.

After I've worked on my weaknesses, I think I can work better on my strengths. So this experience is all for the best. :)

listen

Darling, can you download and listen to Glee's version of Journey's "Don't stop believin'"? It captured exactly what I'm feeling right now. and yes, i so miss you too. :)

hi

Good morning! Slept well last night? I hope you won't be offline for 6 months darling. :)