today is an all-time low

I want to move all the time, just to be somewhere different than before. It may seem like I'm escaping all the time, and maybe it is so.

Darling, i never seem to fit anywhere. There are always tensions and i don't know if they're self-induced. I hope I can be the ray of sunshine of everyone i meet. But I'm always worried about money, feeling not so good, or sometimes hungry. My situation is pathetic, i know. Sometimes I don't want to eat breakfast or lunch, because I know I'll have a good dinner and so I don't have to spend for the first two meals. I'd just stuff myself during dinner.

I know, i know. I need to learn how to relax. That's why I need to be away; because I need to learn how to do things on my own and stop being a nuisance to others. But sometimes it's so difficult trying to be strong all the time. I just want to relax, and be carefree. And I know, that when I'm relaxed and not trying HARD to do anything - everything that I wish for (& more) comes to me willingly. This is my training, darling. I need to learn something to improve myself, so I'll be ready for you.

I need to discipline myself, and start being happy. I need to relax, and let go. I need to learn how to stop trying too hard and worrying. And, I need this training on how to be independent so that we won't have a hard time together.

Good news: I'm becoming more punctual!
Bad news: My output and productivity is suffering. I am neither effective nor efficient at the moment.

I need you to support me that everything will be alright. So I don't need to worry, and try too hard. But you don't seem to need me, so I guess I'm all alone. My self-esteem is in its record low. Darling, why can't I feel happy? Is it because of too much caffeine? Why am I not feeling happy? Do I need chocolates for this?

Btw, the food here is really great. lots of veggies and different ways of cooking. But lots of msg i guess. terrible after-taste. I'm yearning for a "fry-up"! feels like my tongue is full of MSG all the time.