I never learned how to budget my money back in high school and college. I loved going out, and was always in shopping malls, restaurants and bars all the time.
Now, you'd be proud to know that I'm learning. I'm broke again, for the fourth month in a row. Not really broke, 'cause I'm not negative. I just don't have any cash left. I have enough to pay for the basic expenses until I get my salary on Wednesday.
I smile, and I hope that money will come my way today. Thank you Lord for keeping me alive just to hope.
I don't want to use my credit cards to get a cash advance. I don't think I have enough money to go to a bank anyway.
I don't know what to do. Money's always in my mind. And I really have to learn how to manage my finances. July and August should be fun. I paid all my fixed costs this month, and I just want to have fun.
Back in college, I always had this feeling of having tons of money in the bank. Just a false thought, but I never worried and kept on spending. And of course my bank account sufferred.
But now, i'm learning how to live on so little money. I hope it's healthier, and better for me. I tend to stay home a lot too, since I have no money to spend. But hey, now I just spend most of the time thinking and contemplating about life. I'm more peaceful, I can sense my emotions as I get more anxious and stiff, and try to relax. I'm learning to relax, let go, and forgive myself of the mistakes.
And it happens again and again - I regret spending too much during the early days. It never evens out.
Let me have fun next month. 'Cause I can't wait!
Let's pretend: I have a million dollars in my bank account!
I have a million dollars in cash right now! :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
rules and hormones
i came here to get away from the "rules" i grew up with - corporate, social, financial rules or standards.
i thought - here, I wouldn't make any difference. That no one would care whether i know everything or i know nothing, whether I have something or nothing, that I'm tooooo young relative to something I don't know. I thought there would be no rules.
I was wrong. I just jumped into a society with a whole different set of rules - differet from the previous one, but still - rules, standards, stereotyping.
Maybe it's just me - maybe I can choose not to follow, not to react.
But still, it's the same case the world over - judgment based on economic, financial and social status.
So, what if I'm at the lowest level?
You still want me, do you? Want me, need me. Because darling, you can't find anyone else like me. The odd man (or woman) out.
--------------------------------------------------------------
is it just my hormones, or am i falling for you? oh no. if we can last more than a month, maybe.
--------------------------------------------------------------
why am i thinking more and more of you these days? We've known each other for only 3 months and it seemed forever. 2 more months to go. I'm just lonely, I guess.
Why do the guys don't bring their girlfriends along? Haha. But they like me, so they want me to come with them.
Some people aren't just worth it, so they won't bother bringing them along on a relaxing trip/vacation.
I love these guys.
i thought - here, I wouldn't make any difference. That no one would care whether i know everything or i know nothing, whether I have something or nothing, that I'm tooooo young relative to something I don't know. I thought there would be no rules.
I was wrong. I just jumped into a society with a whole different set of rules - differet from the previous one, but still - rules, standards, stereotyping.
Maybe it's just me - maybe I can choose not to follow, not to react.
But still, it's the same case the world over - judgment based on economic, financial and social status.
So, what if I'm at the lowest level?
You still want me, do you? Want me, need me. Because darling, you can't find anyone else like me. The odd man (or woman) out.
--------------------------------------------------------------
is it just my hormones, or am i falling for you? oh no. if we can last more than a month, maybe.
--------------------------------------------------------------
why am i thinking more and more of you these days? We've known each other for only 3 months and it seemed forever. 2 more months to go. I'm just lonely, I guess.
Why do the guys don't bring their girlfriends along? Haha. But they like me, so they want me to come with them.
Some people aren't just worth it, so they won't bother bringing them along on a relaxing trip/vacation.
I love these guys.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
july
would love to love you.
but it just so happens that you're the only one i see.
july - i have to go out, have fun
this is totally depressing me
july - new haircut, waxing, nails done, shoes, dresses, parties
july is going to be a fun fun month :)
but it just so happens that you're the only one i see.
july - i have to go out, have fun
this is totally depressing me
july - new haircut, waxing, nails done, shoes, dresses, parties
july is going to be a fun fun month :)
Entries from the past 2
January 7, 2010
always looking for the perfect start for the perfect ending.
what an illusion.
he snapped me right out of it.
Just start somewhere,
he said.
February 28, 2010
wont you even speak to me?
darling i love you, you know that.
what's with cruise control?
don't you care for me?
will you ignore me until i come back?
can't you see im waiting for you?
you're still with her?
don't you love me at all?
i think you care
March 24, 2010
Next month, it will be different.
Darling, there's so much i want to tell you!
I really, really want to talk to you now.
I miss you.
And yet, will you not make it work?
I'm dreaming, when I’m back. will you still love me?
Do you love me now?
for no other reason, i just want to cry.
i am certainly not homesick.
not bored.
i have something to do. for at least 5 more months.
but why am i feeling so helpless? hopeless
Broke?
self inflicted pain.
just depressed. i think i need some chocolate.
i thought leaving, a change of scenery - would me make feel better. Yes I’m free. and worthless.
the lunch food i bought for 30000 dong left a horrible "death" taste in my mouth. i want something sweet, something heavenly.
some people move. some people stay. I’m a mover. make me stay, darling.
March 29, 2010
Stillness
Hi Toni, here's what I read from J. Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted about stillness. "Today, before I make decisions, I will try to listen for God's voice. Today, I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or anger - I will take those feelings as prompts from the Spirit to listen first. In each of these situations, I will ask God, 'How would you want me to respond?'. I will live in stillness."
April 4, 2010
Wedding!
I saw that Yahoo article about pet peeves during weddings, and now I'm imagining my own wedding! What would it feel like to get proposed to, and have a wedding! :)
I would love to have it in a beach or garden. I hope it's sunny and warm. People can dress comfortably (with the assistance of the hired stylists), get a light sunny makeup, and dressed up hair. It would be great if everyone can feel beautiful and happy at the same time. they feel easy, comfortable, and free. Punctuality would be a must. Mass, signing, then pictorials all throughout and a formal one at the end of the mass. Then, reception in the same area. Lots of good comfort food - familiar, healthy, delicious, good-quality. There would be cocktails before the mass, no food during the mass, then full-course after the mass. There would be appetizers, main course; desserts served buffet style with many tables so not much lines. There would be veggies, vegan food, pork, chicken, beef, everything! lots of fruits, chocolates, champagne, and beer. No one is allowed to get drunk. no cocktails, just champagne, soda, water, and light beer.
Everybody can stuff themselves full - easy dining with no fuss for the formal table manners and clothes. Then they can watch the video of the guests afterwards and there will be games for everyone - kids, teens, adults, oldies. Lots of dancing too! cake will be delicious and served during the dancing, with champagne. Ahh desserts. Everyone should dance. garter and bouquet as a game for the single adults.
So much love and comfort. If beach, then people can go swimming afterwards. Souvenirs will be sent through mail - photos and a little thingy. A hundred guests will be enough - just close family and friends.
Gosh, i want to attend a wedding like that. Afternoon to evening would be perfect. 3pm-4pm mass. at 5pm,reception will start at sunset.
April 26, 2010
Third week of April, 2010
I know I'm supposed to be here. Everything keeps pointing this way. All the arrows- all of them - even the maps and directions I've asked ages ago - are pointing this way.
But I still have no idea- aside from my personal development, what else is in here for me?
I guess this is the time to fix myself up. And there will be no escape or exit route for me this time. I have to fix myself and work on it. Really, really hard.
Part 2:
Darling,
How come you're not here with me? I've tried to put a face on you. But no - it escapes me. You're like a myriad of characteristics of all the men I've ever met and interested in.
I am not lonely. It's just that things aren’t working out as well as I thought it would be. And I want to move away - escape from everything. Stat all over again, and leave all the mess where it started. But I know, some way or another, all the messes I've left and escaped from - will come back to me in the most haunting way. And I'm afraid I can't face them all at the same time, and all by myself.
I just want you to know, that whoever you are, please come and help me. I just feel like crying and darn, I hate it. I've been stuck up in this room for days - sick physically and emotionally. And most are psychological anyway. I want some excuse to be excused from all the normal ordinary work that haunts me now. Darling, please come over and rescue me before I start getting angry. Everyone and everything is normal - with the usual ups and downs. But why do I feel this way? Maybe it's just that I haven't really mastered the art of dealing with the unfortunate situations.
I've been wanting to get into therapy - to talk to someone. What are the chances I'll be living with someone who got a degree in psychology? I'm meant to be here darling. All arrows are pointing this way. But I'm not ye sure wh/ But I'll do everything I can - fix myself, grow, develop into a more mature and charming person.
April 27, 2010
This week
Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.
I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?
I remember random things we talked about:
1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.
2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.
Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. What a pickup line.
April 27, 2010
YES
Yes, I know intercultural marriages are now very common. But people are still very judgmental about it.
I’ll tell you what. If you are just somewhat younger, probably my age – I’ll respond. But darling, you’re a nice person and I do recognize the signs:
1. You remember everything I said - the food!
2. You care
3. You want to see and talk to me all the time
4. You kept making all these excuses to see me and be with me. And oh, your classic pick up lines.
5. Chocolate? You wanted to kiss me. You need a girlfriend.
6. Breaking your diet? Hah. I know better.
7. You’ll do everything for me. You don’t want me to leave.
But I’ve got an amazing self-control, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, you couldn’t control yourself, right? Beers and rushing to your bedroom? You just left me in the kitchen? You’re not like that.
I’m a tease. And you’re my friend. And that’s all there is to it. I’m giving you hints – you’re older than my parents, my friends (guys), guys I want to date - no marriage, etc. You have to know, a lot of guys feel the same way as you do about me. That’s why they kept wanting me to settle down with them. I can make a connection with anyone I want to have one. See? They’re not coincidences. All these guys – they feel like I’m their soul mate or something. One I really particularly liked, and would have introduced him to my parents had he not suggested it in the first place.
But you – you’ve been through everything I wanted to do. Now your life is quite stable, you’re all settled now – ready to settle down and get married. But me? I want a fast-tracked life with all the fun and excitement. We are not meant to be together. We are just friends.
You think I’m holding back my feelings? I always maintain a certain space between us. Cause I know it would be a trigger for you. You’d feel something much more stronger if I touch you, see? That’s why I avoid even just touching you. But yesterday, i just had to call your attention. and we did. And it’s a mistake. At least last night, we realized how different we are.
I’m not that pretty for men to always fall at my feet. There are always several men that I also like but seem to have very strong feelings.
I’m so messed up right now. I don’t know how to face you tomorrow. We really need to talk.
As you have said, women have internal loser radars. And we have this attraction radar too. After a few days or weeks together, I can somehow “read” a guy’s mind and get in sync with his life. I’m quite flexible, if that’s the case. But they’ll never have me. Never.
always looking for the perfect start for the perfect ending.
what an illusion.
he snapped me right out of it.
Just start somewhere,
he said.
February 28, 2010
wont you even speak to me?
darling i love you, you know that.
what's with cruise control?
don't you care for me?
will you ignore me until i come back?
can't you see im waiting for you?
you're still with her?
don't you love me at all?
i think you care
March 24, 2010
Next month, it will be different.
Darling, there's so much i want to tell you!
I really, really want to talk to you now.
I miss you.
And yet, will you not make it work?
I'm dreaming, when I’m back. will you still love me?
Do you love me now?
for no other reason, i just want to cry.
i am certainly not homesick.
not bored.
i have something to do. for at least 5 more months.
but why am i feeling so helpless? hopeless
Broke?
self inflicted pain.
just depressed. i think i need some chocolate.
i thought leaving, a change of scenery - would me make feel better. Yes I’m free. and worthless.
the lunch food i bought for 30000 dong left a horrible "death" taste in my mouth. i want something sweet, something heavenly.
some people move. some people stay. I’m a mover. make me stay, darling.
March 29, 2010
Stillness
Hi Toni, here's what I read from J. Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted about stillness. "Today, before I make decisions, I will try to listen for God's voice. Today, I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or anger - I will take those feelings as prompts from the Spirit to listen first. In each of these situations, I will ask God, 'How would you want me to respond?'. I will live in stillness."
April 4, 2010
Wedding!
I saw that Yahoo article about pet peeves during weddings, and now I'm imagining my own wedding! What would it feel like to get proposed to, and have a wedding! :)
I would love to have it in a beach or garden. I hope it's sunny and warm. People can dress comfortably (with the assistance of the hired stylists), get a light sunny makeup, and dressed up hair. It would be great if everyone can feel beautiful and happy at the same time. they feel easy, comfortable, and free. Punctuality would be a must. Mass, signing, then pictorials all throughout and a formal one at the end of the mass. Then, reception in the same area. Lots of good comfort food - familiar, healthy, delicious, good-quality. There would be cocktails before the mass, no food during the mass, then full-course after the mass. There would be appetizers, main course; desserts served buffet style with many tables so not much lines. There would be veggies, vegan food, pork, chicken, beef, everything! lots of fruits, chocolates, champagne, and beer. No one is allowed to get drunk. no cocktails, just champagne, soda, water, and light beer.
Everybody can stuff themselves full - easy dining with no fuss for the formal table manners and clothes. Then they can watch the video of the guests afterwards and there will be games for everyone - kids, teens, adults, oldies. Lots of dancing too! cake will be delicious and served during the dancing, with champagne. Ahh desserts. Everyone should dance. garter and bouquet as a game for the single adults.
So much love and comfort. If beach, then people can go swimming afterwards. Souvenirs will be sent through mail - photos and a little thingy. A hundred guests will be enough - just close family and friends.
Gosh, i want to attend a wedding like that. Afternoon to evening would be perfect. 3pm-4pm mass. at 5pm,reception will start at sunset.
April 26, 2010
Third week of April, 2010
I know I'm supposed to be here. Everything keeps pointing this way. All the arrows- all of them - even the maps and directions I've asked ages ago - are pointing this way.
But I still have no idea- aside from my personal development, what else is in here for me?
I guess this is the time to fix myself up. And there will be no escape or exit route for me this time. I have to fix myself and work on it. Really, really hard.
Part 2:
Darling,
How come you're not here with me? I've tried to put a face on you. But no - it escapes me. You're like a myriad of characteristics of all the men I've ever met and interested in.
I am not lonely. It's just that things aren’t working out as well as I thought it would be. And I want to move away - escape from everything. Stat all over again, and leave all the mess where it started. But I know, some way or another, all the messes I've left and escaped from - will come back to me in the most haunting way. And I'm afraid I can't face them all at the same time, and all by myself.
I just want you to know, that whoever you are, please come and help me. I just feel like crying and darn, I hate it. I've been stuck up in this room for days - sick physically and emotionally. And most are psychological anyway. I want some excuse to be excused from all the normal ordinary work that haunts me now. Darling, please come over and rescue me before I start getting angry. Everyone and everything is normal - with the usual ups and downs. But why do I feel this way? Maybe it's just that I haven't really mastered the art of dealing with the unfortunate situations.
I've been wanting to get into therapy - to talk to someone. What are the chances I'll be living with someone who got a degree in psychology? I'm meant to be here darling. All arrows are pointing this way. But I'm not ye sure wh/ But I'll do everything I can - fix myself, grow, develop into a more mature and charming person.
April 27, 2010
This week
Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.
I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?
I remember random things we talked about:
1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.
2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.
Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. What a pickup line.
April 27, 2010
YES
Yes, I know intercultural marriages are now very common. But people are still very judgmental about it.
I’ll tell you what. If you are just somewhat younger, probably my age – I’ll respond. But darling, you’re a nice person and I do recognize the signs:
1. You remember everything I said - the food!
2. You care
3. You want to see and talk to me all the time
4. You kept making all these excuses to see me and be with me. And oh, your classic pick up lines.
5. Chocolate? You wanted to kiss me. You need a girlfriend.
6. Breaking your diet? Hah. I know better.
7. You’ll do everything for me. You don’t want me to leave.
But I’ve got an amazing self-control, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, you couldn’t control yourself, right? Beers and rushing to your bedroom? You just left me in the kitchen? You’re not like that.
I’m a tease. And you’re my friend. And that’s all there is to it. I’m giving you hints – you’re older than my parents, my friends (guys), guys I want to date - no marriage, etc. You have to know, a lot of guys feel the same way as you do about me. That’s why they kept wanting me to settle down with them. I can make a connection with anyone I want to have one. See? They’re not coincidences. All these guys – they feel like I’m their soul mate or something. One I really particularly liked, and would have introduced him to my parents had he not suggested it in the first place.
But you – you’ve been through everything I wanted to do. Now your life is quite stable, you’re all settled now – ready to settle down and get married. But me? I want a fast-tracked life with all the fun and excitement. We are not meant to be together. We are just friends.
You think I’m holding back my feelings? I always maintain a certain space between us. Cause I know it would be a trigger for you. You’d feel something much more stronger if I touch you, see? That’s why I avoid even just touching you. But yesterday, i just had to call your attention. and we did. And it’s a mistake. At least last night, we realized how different we are.
I’m not that pretty for men to always fall at my feet. There are always several men that I also like but seem to have very strong feelings.
I’m so messed up right now. I don’t know how to face you tomorrow. We really need to talk.
As you have said, women have internal loser radars. And we have this attraction radar too. After a few days or weeks together, I can somehow “read” a guy’s mind and get in sync with his life. I’m quite flexible, if that’s the case. But they’ll never have me. Never.
Entries from the past 1
July 5, 2009
The Secret
but isn’t being happy now sends signals to the universe that you like what you have now when in fact you want bigger grander things?
or should we pretend a lot?
Feel good. be happy then ask for what you really want.
be positive. be optimistic. believe everything will turn out fine. everything will turn out exactly how you wanted them to be.
Good friends, great family, my soul mate.
we transcend boundaries. God is energy.
but feeling good translates to doing good? - conscience is the check mechanism
people have different tastes, wants and feeling happy
July 17, 2009
I learned a new word (or phrase) last March 7, 2009 in Singapore.
"home-court advantage"
July 31, 2009
Complexities
With the popularity of personality development courses, people are becoming more aware of how to act and speak which will impart to the receiver what the message the speaker or doer wants conveyed.
But then, in the process, they are becoming more and more aware of the power- the power to manipulate people. Sincerity is left out- as people study how to read and show the nonverbal gestures/body language that will impress the receiver.
Somehow i wish that they would just speak and do what they really want, within the bounds of civility and etiquette. I think the moral foundation of the rights and wrongs- a person's ethics code, coupled with sensitivity and understanding- is enough to guide him on how to converse and relation with other people.
Pretense should be dead.
August 1, 2009
Darling
You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
undercurrents rise us above everyone else.
If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?
People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.
To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize how much I've lost
You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, with your help, show you
how much I care about you
Because darling, I don't know how.
---
But I will try to learn.
I will, even if I have to fail several times over.
And then I will be ready for you.
November 15, 2009
Dear Universe,
I really want my UPEACE scholarship and a nice job with good salary and work for the months in between.
I really want to travel this year - free, someplace different.
I love my family, please let them be nice, honest, and loving.
I am going home for Christmas, and take him with me.
Lord, Thank you for everything.
The Secret
but isn’t being happy now sends signals to the universe that you like what you have now when in fact you want bigger grander things?
or should we pretend a lot?
Feel good. be happy then ask for what you really want.
be positive. be optimistic. believe everything will turn out fine. everything will turn out exactly how you wanted them to be.
Good friends, great family, my soul mate.
we transcend boundaries. God is energy.
but feeling good translates to doing good? - conscience is the check mechanism
people have different tastes, wants and feeling happy
July 17, 2009
I learned a new word (or phrase) last March 7, 2009 in Singapore.
"home-court advantage"
July 31, 2009
Complexities
With the popularity of personality development courses, people are becoming more aware of how to act and speak which will impart to the receiver what the message the speaker or doer wants conveyed.
But then, in the process, they are becoming more and more aware of the power- the power to manipulate people. Sincerity is left out- as people study how to read and show the nonverbal gestures/body language that will impress the receiver.
Somehow i wish that they would just speak and do what they really want, within the bounds of civility and etiquette. I think the moral foundation of the rights and wrongs- a person's ethics code, coupled with sensitivity and understanding- is enough to guide him on how to converse and relation with other people.
Pretense should be dead.
August 1, 2009
Darling
You please me darling.
My darkest deepest insecurities, you sympathize with greatly.
My love, what will I do without you?
With you, I felt invincible.
Your love tide us over,
undercurrents rise us above everyone else.
If I could relive the moments again
I swear I will be more sensitive of your advances
The lost promises-
Was it because of me they remain unfulfilled?
People write the love sonnets best
After they were loved, and loved in return
-and lost.
To remember those lovely times
Crushes my heart in the most bitter way
To face the weeks and months ahead
-the years
Without you-
Never fails to make me realize how much I've lost
You have to make me -please!
You have to help me
You have to understand.
I cannot, with your help, show you
how much I care about you
Because darling, I don't know how.
---
But I will try to learn.
I will, even if I have to fail several times over.
And then I will be ready for you.
November 15, 2009
Dear Universe,
I really want my UPEACE scholarship and a nice job with good salary and work for the months in between.
I really want to travel this year - free, someplace different.
I love my family, please let them be nice, honest, and loving.
I am going home for Christmas, and take him with me.
Lord, Thank you for everything.
Monday, June 14, 2010
3 things
Thank you for:
1. this job and opportunity to travel
2. for having a supportive family and friends
3. for the capabilities I have right now :)
1. this job and opportunity to travel
2. for having a supportive family and friends
3. for the capabilities I have right now :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
fb clean up
Had this sudden urge to clean up my FB with regard to my second life here. Paranoid? Instinct? I think I'm being watched, was or will be. In any case, i've been a little lazy lately. Should have been more aware of what other people will think of me. I need them, for now.
I wanted my wall to be "me" - with all the memories and emotions attached to the pictures, and in every single thing I say. But i send messages instead of wall posts. and delete wall posts in less than a week.
darn clean-up. I hate to let go, but it's just like breaking up and moving on. New lease (or leash?) on life. At least for once, the people I care about, have seen the real me even in glimpses.
I wanted my wall to be "me" - with all the memories and emotions attached to the pictures, and in every single thing I say. But i send messages instead of wall posts. and delete wall posts in less than a week.
darn clean-up. I hate to let go, but it's just like breaking up and moving on. New lease (or leash?) on life. At least for once, the people I care about, have seen the real me even in glimpses.
HN House #2
Will be staying here for the next 5 months. I'm living with a Vietnamese family and another transient, a middle-aged American who travels a lot in a motorbike. :)
I love my new room - with aircon, tv & dvd player, desk & chair, cabinet, and ala-theatre curtains! :D
Bookshelf with his things and mine
My desk
Bags and a really nice cabinet! :)
My new room, previously Ms. Trang's brother's room. But he's studying in Shanghai now, so it's rented out. And there are some movies and music in DVDs and CDs left in the room. They're classics! :) Bach, Beatles, Cannes movies. :D
Nikita & Trang in Trang's room
Nikita's last night. She stayed here for a month, went to Sapa for 2 weeks, then a few days here, and she's leaving the next day for NZ, hoping to get a job in the mountains.
Trang's new mug! :)
I love my new room - with aircon, tv & dvd player, desk & chair, cabinet, and ala-theatre curtains! :D
Bookshelf with his things and mine
My desk
Bags and a really nice cabinet! :)
My new room, previously Ms. Trang's brother's room. But he's studying in Shanghai now, so it's rented out. And there are some movies and music in DVDs and CDs left in the room. They're classics! :) Bach, Beatles, Cannes movies. :D
Nikita & Trang in Trang's room
Nikita's last night. She stayed here for a month, went to Sapa for 2 weeks, then a few days here, and she's leaving the next day for NZ, hoping to get a job in the mountains.
Trang's new mug! :)
Tour with Jack
With my housemate, an American who can speak Vietnamese.
He said I gotta stop being so que. Haha. que = from the countryside = probinsiyana! okay, I really am probinsiyana. but well, i think i passed the vodka mixing test. haha.
Funny, since he's touring me around and speaking Viet to the locals, while I'm the one Asian and who's often mistaken for a Viet! Haha. :D
Went to his favorite cafes - Viet, French, and other Western types. He always gets a beer from every place - restaurant, pub, bar, whatever you call them. Lunch at Kangaroo cafe (owned by an Aussie), cakes at Paris Deli (French chef?), then Sofitel Metropole (French architecture) for vodka during the happy hour.
People-watching - lots of tourists on the cyclos, and backpackers with their lonely planet books & 1-liter bottles of water. :D
old Viet restaurant - he said they used to serve good food. no longer. haha.
View from the resto
Jack again haha
Kangaroo cafe. there are quite a lot of fake ones. haha.
some other cafe i forgot the name. he got a beer.
lunch at Kangaroo.
arrabiata. no black olives?
NOTES AT THE TOILET! haha it's unisex so there are notes for boys (2) and girls (1), and for tourists (1). The owner must be really mad at his customers. Haha.
Very narrow house with a gallery at the first floor
Ice cream- funny, not smooth, but flavors are okay :)
drunk tourists- there were four of them. one with a hat, backpack, and a bottle of water. Another with a glass of bia hoi.
they were probably looking for something, but it seems like they were trying to pick a fight with the locals.
really drunk
vendors from the countryside (que)
market
Le Pub - french. he got another beer.
fake kangaroo cafe #1
fake kangaroo #2
Opera house and an accident
the accident as mentioned in the previous picture
Paris deli for the cakes
blueberry cheesecake for him
black forest for me
my seat
press club
Sofitel Metropole
at the hotel
vodka at the hotel
He said I gotta stop being so que. Haha. que = from the countryside = probinsiyana! okay, I really am probinsiyana. but well, i think i passed the vodka mixing test. haha.
Funny, since he's touring me around and speaking Viet to the locals, while I'm the one Asian and who's often mistaken for a Viet! Haha. :D
Went to his favorite cafes - Viet, French, and other Western types. He always gets a beer from every place - restaurant, pub, bar, whatever you call them. Lunch at Kangaroo cafe (owned by an Aussie), cakes at Paris Deli (French chef?), then Sofitel Metropole (French architecture) for vodka during the happy hour.
People-watching - lots of tourists on the cyclos, and backpackers with their lonely planet books & 1-liter bottles of water. :D
old Viet restaurant - he said they used to serve good food. no longer. haha.
View from the resto
Jack again haha
Kangaroo cafe. there are quite a lot of fake ones. haha.
some other cafe i forgot the name. he got a beer.
lunch at Kangaroo.
arrabiata. no black olives?
NOTES AT THE TOILET! haha it's unisex so there are notes for boys (2) and girls (1), and for tourists (1). The owner must be really mad at his customers. Haha.
Very narrow house with a gallery at the first floor
Ice cream- funny, not smooth, but flavors are okay :)
drunk tourists- there were four of them. one with a hat, backpack, and a bottle of water. Another with a glass of bia hoi.
they were probably looking for something, but it seems like they were trying to pick a fight with the locals.
really drunk
vendors from the countryside (que)
market
Le Pub - french. he got another beer.
fake kangaroo cafe #1
fake kangaroo #2
Opera house and an accident
the accident as mentioned in the previous picture
Paris deli for the cakes
blueberry cheesecake for him
black forest for me
my seat
press club
Sofitel Metropole
at the hotel
vodka at the hotel
B52 Crash Site
I was feeling really sick, and I had canceled all my classes that day. But it was such a nice sunny day after weeks of cold, wet weather, so Jack took me out for a ride late in the afternoon to see the B52 crash site. It was less than 10 minutes drive from our place. Thought it would do me some good to get some fresh air, as my room had this sick atmosphere already.
The US fighter plane (bomber) was fired down by the Vietnamese army way back in the 1970's. According to Jack, the army used women to target the planes as they are better shooters than men - and I agree. Haha. If given the chance, we really do shoot better - we're calm, and fire straight at the target. But women don't usually care for guns, anyway. :)
He got some ribs for snack. Excuse for some needed protein.
The US fighter plane (bomber) was fired down by the Vietnamese army way back in the 1970's. According to Jack, the army used women to target the planes as they are better shooters than men - and I agree. Haha. If given the chance, we really do shoot better - we're calm, and fire straight at the target. But women don't usually care for guns, anyway. :)
He got some ribs for snack. Excuse for some needed protein.
Ethonology Museum & Hoa Lo Prison
Ethnology Museum again, with Jack this time. He hasn't been there before. But he claims to have seen some of the featured tribes in his motorbike trips. Haha. I'm so excited for our motorbike trip next weekend!
Then we had lunch at a Chinese fast food near our house.
Hoa Lo Prison or Hanoi Hilton (sarcastic nickname given by the prisoners) in the afternoon. The Maison Centrale is just a small portion as most of the area had been converted to apartment buildings known as Hanoi Towers. Classy, hotel-like condominiums with a really nice supermarket inside. Jack said there are occupants who claim seeing ghosts. No wonder, with all the prisoners who died in the prison.
tomb
tomb of a tribe who's really crazy about fertility
Tall house. Lots of tourists since it's a holiday.
Hoa Lo Prison
Some prisoners escaped through a sewer
sewer escape
inside the prison
where they chop the head off
Hanoi towers right beside the museum
Inside the Hanoi towers - resto at 4th floor.
It's a really great family-friendly restaurant. It's big, and there are areas for everyone. They've got a big screen TV and another LCD projector screen showing some sports game where some foreigners were watching. Hanoi towers is mostly for expats, anyway.
He wanted some fresh spring rolls. I was eating my chocolate bar.
Then we had lunch at a Chinese fast food near our house.
Hoa Lo Prison or Hanoi Hilton (sarcastic nickname given by the prisoners) in the afternoon. The Maison Centrale is just a small portion as most of the area had been converted to apartment buildings known as Hanoi Towers. Classy, hotel-like condominiums with a really nice supermarket inside. Jack said there are occupants who claim seeing ghosts. No wonder, with all the prisoners who died in the prison.
tomb
tomb of a tribe who's really crazy about fertility
Tall house. Lots of tourists since it's a holiday.
Hoa Lo Prison
Some prisoners escaped through a sewer
sewer escape
inside the prison
where they chop the head off
Hanoi towers right beside the museum
Inside the Hanoi towers - resto at 4th floor.
It's a really great family-friendly restaurant. It's big, and there are areas for everyone. They've got a big screen TV and another LCD projector screen showing some sports game where some foreigners were watching. Hanoi towers is mostly for expats, anyway.
He wanted some fresh spring rolls. I was eating my chocolate bar.
motorbikes
I rented a Honda Wave for my next 3 months here for USD100! Basically, tires are my responsibility but all other repairs especially the engine are the owner's.
Well, I know it's scary but I can't go on riding buses and xe-oms/taxis until the end of my term here. I know I need to learn how to drive, and the first step is to get one. I've delayed it long enough. :)
Jack brought home his new Minsk bike last night, which he bought for USD200 last Wednesday. He sold his old Minsk for the same amount last Thursday - drove it up in OQ, and sold in 5 mins. Minsks are WWII-technology motorbikes made in Russia.
Honda Wave semi-automatic! I like small, light bikes; certainly not the big, butt-heavy, small-wheeled ones.
It doesn't have a big butt like the Vespas, in which the seat often serve like a car's trunk. But the owner got a raincoat for me under the seat! Yey! And yeah, it's missing one side mirror. Should put more air on the tires, and a mirror. But people often drive without one. :)
Btw, ang gwapo pala ng bike ko! Haha
Jack's old Minsk
Jack's new Minsk - taller suspension
Well, I know it's scary but I can't go on riding buses and xe-oms/taxis until the end of my term here. I know I need to learn how to drive, and the first step is to get one. I've delayed it long enough. :)
Jack brought home his new Minsk bike last night, which he bought for USD200 last Wednesday. He sold his old Minsk for the same amount last Thursday - drove it up in OQ, and sold in 5 mins. Minsks are WWII-technology motorbikes made in Russia.
Honda Wave semi-automatic! I like small, light bikes; certainly not the big, butt-heavy, small-wheeled ones.
It doesn't have a big butt like the Vespas, in which the seat often serve like a car's trunk. But the owner got a raincoat for me under the seat! Yey! And yeah, it's missing one side mirror. Should put more air on the tires, and a mirror. But people often drive without one. :)
Btw, ang gwapo pala ng bike ko! Haha
Jack's old Minsk
Jack's new Minsk - taller suspension
moorbike trip
Left Friday morning, returned Tuesday afternoon
With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.
2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!
Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)
to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike! haha. yeah, everyone's staring at his bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!
At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!
Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.
Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha
Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.
Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)
With Jack (housemate), Rick & Steve (his friends). They have their own motorbikes.
2 days at Phu To, 2 days at Hoa Binh. Went to Xuan Son National Park on the 2nd day, and spent the last 2 days at the french resort- La Ferme du Colvert. Anyway, the countryside is like my province. Feels like I'm home again. But for them, it's different. It was fun anyway. And they're teaching me the local language!
Well yes, it might seem weird that I'm the only girl there but the others backed out at the last minute, and I really needed a break. It was fun, and everyone's nice. All good, no worries.:)
to Phu To
First Hotel
Rick, Steve, Jack
Jack & Rick are fluent in Viet, while Steve and I aren't.
Rick on his big bike!
Steve with his pose. You'll see a lot more of Steve facing the left side on a 45-degree angle for no apparent reason. Except for the fact that it's his "looking into the future" traveler's pose. Haha :D
close-up
Yes, automatic posing. I was on the other side but hey, he knows exactly what to do. No need to tell him. Haha.
Rick and Steve
Spent one day at Xuan Son Park. Had to ride, it was really big.
No people/staff - lunch break.
Looking for someone or something. Exactly 12nn, it was so hot and we're hungry for lunch.
Steve
and again. looks pretty cool though! haha :D
Bread and cheese for me, and water of course. Beer and sticky rice for Steve. Haha.
He loves it! Sweet sticky rice!
Enough drama, Steve! Haha
Jack and Steve
Jack's not wearing his helmet after fixing his bike. I'm riding on Steve's bike this time.
What Rick loves most.
Did we stop for pictures this time? Or were you driving? oi zoi oi. Haha.
Local tribe.
Steve and Rick
Chicken house
Fairy spring
Jack at the cave's entrance
Steve
Very clear water
wild pigs?
Rick and fellow visitors
Me! My only picture here! Haha. I asked Steve to get me one.
Steve
hut on top of a hill
long winding roads
slash and burn in the mountains. they were burning the forests, probably for farm land.
pretty ducks
tea!
Gathering tea. Zoom in to the dogs! :D
Tea farms!
Rick and the cows
French resort. Such a shame the locals made a small market at the entrance. It's 4 kms away from the main cemented road, and we had to go through a dirt road to go here. It's peaceful and away from the city.
But it's clean and empty after the main entrance
French resort!
At first, the resort looks ordinary - nothing special. But as I spent more time walking around and looking at everything, I started to notice all the details. It was amazing!
Everything is like a work of art! There are details everywhere! Everything was thought of carefully,from the throw pillow in the hammock to the houses. I really admire the architecture and interior design. Every time I turn around, there is always something pretty and I can't just stop taking pictures.
Thanks to Huyen (manager) for taking care of all our needs! :)
There were at least 10 houses in the resort where people can rent rooms or the whole house. They were all far apart, and there are a lot of narrow pathways to get to them. This is the Lotus house.
Play area for kids. I met this 5 y/o girl named Francesca. She's from Germany, but speaks English as well.
Ornaments everywhere! :)
One of the little hideaways!
Amusing statuettes
Main house - lobby, dining area, kitchen, etc
Reception area
Steve! Haha
Rick and Steve. They're both at least 6 ft, and they look too tall for their bikes, especially the one posing! Haha
Me: But we don't have a group picture!
Rick: Well, that means we have to meet again.
Steve again. I turned red after half a glass of Steve's beer. Jack said it looked like I put rouge all over my face. Haha. I had to take a walk and burn it out.
Who else? Steve!
Kiddie game pool. They were teasing me that this is my swimming pool since the big one has a depth of 1.8m at the lowest end. Heh.
Yellowbells!
Our house! We rented rooms at this house
Path to our house
Dinner buffet
Our hideaway!
Okay, no wine for me please. I already had beer from Steve, and I turned red after half a glass.
Muong tribe performing some arts/music by the pool
Other Muong tribes. The Muong tribe has different villages and has different dances and music. They live around the area.
Flower tribe?
Umbrella dance
Just like tinikling!
Jack dancing
Dinner
Bathroom in my room
Loved the interiors!
Bedroom
I don't need the extra bed, though. Haha.
Pink and green. Not really into it. But you get used to it. I prefer the yellow and green French colors in the Old Quarter. Haha.
Tea Hill House. House on top of a hill surrounded by tea plants
On the way to the main house for breakfast
Breakfast!
I was in the hammock all day long! :)
Fruit wines
Even the lamps have details! :D
Francesca showing me her work of art - she painted the ceramic cat! :)
To Francesca's house
To Prunus house
Spa
Jacuzzi
Lotus house
Lone duck (Covert), hence the name of the resort. There used to be lots of them, according to Jack.
Another house - Savannah Pea?
Another house
A Viet family rented some rooms here I guess
Nice tower! See the artwork?
You can climb up the rooftop!
Lakeside dining area
you can take the boat and go around the lake. But it's quite shallow at this time
Hiking up the mountains! I was tired! Haha Enough exercise for the week!
Massage area
Bathroom!
Bamboo/Arec House
Main house - swing, dining area
Our hideaway! There was a guard dog who would usually join us.
Merienda! :)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
stop nagging!
June 10:
i am not playing the pretend wife today
June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.
1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.
So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.
2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.
i am not playing the pretend wife today
June 11:
i am sick and tired of all the nagging
If you're affected in everything i do, you should have told me from the start and i could have moved out after the first month.
1. You can certainly criticize me - you tell me what's wrong, how it affects you, and recommend a solution. I say "okay, thanks. I'll think about it." You know I always listen the first time, and I do look like I understood what you're saying. But you don't have to repeat it 10 thousand times a day, everyday. Gosh, my brain shuts down every time you say something about my job, my cooking, etc.
So: Just say it once - plain and straight. AND IF IT ISN'T gonna affect you in way, then leave me alone. You NAG more than my parents combined.
2. Stop trying to manipulate my life.
June 9, 2010
I don't fit your criteria of a friend or an interesting person, yet you "like me"? And you're inviting me to the motorbike trip on September that I am clearly not suitable at.
I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.
I want a guy whom i'd have fun with, not necessarily someone who's gonna make my life easier for me.
June 6, 2010
Dear Diary (or Bloggy),
Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.
So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??
Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.
Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.
Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.
Earlier this week, he told me that he'd been searching for a job in the Philippines through the internet. I was a little surprised. Is he planning to stay there for a long time? Haha. And what about me? I'm not planning to go home yet. I'd like to go somewhere else. And I'm planning to the only place he told me not to go.
So:
1. We're both out of this house on September
2. He's looking for a job in the Philippines??
Last night, he told me "subtlety" isn't my thing - both in driving and in behavior, I guess. I know it's got double meaning. He was teaching me how to drive a motorbike.
Before we left the house, he told me it's not too late yet to change my mind - riding his bike instead of mine. So maybe I should tell him today that i'd love to ride/riding in his bike but i need to be independent. I don't want nagging/depending on other people all the time.
Darling, I'm frank, direct, no subtleties, straightforward person. I don't bother hiding my emotions and I don't see the need to. You excel in subtlety. But you have to know I'd never be affected in any way (except irritating and annoying me). there is no way you can control my emotions, subconciously on my part. Some women simply get tired of playing dumb for a long time, you see.
Nevermind
Oh well, forget it. I'm not gonna edit it to please certain people. I'm gonna lose my individuality if I do. I want them to be personal to be shared with people I care about, and interested about. They will see the real me, and I hope they will accept me as I am.
cleaning up
Today, I'm going to clean up my FB - make it less personal, less interesting, and more general. I was so focused on a certain group people. But now I have to face the possibility that other groups of people may be looking at my profile, and so I have to edit it to be more "decent" and "presentable", without them thinking anything offensive or suggestive about their own "groupmates".
Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)
Next entries would be from my FB which will be redirected here. :)
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
over beer and whisky
Highlights of the drinking session last night:
1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.
You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.
1. You said: "I like you." (in what way, i have no idea) In the way you said it though, you could have just said you love me.
2. You said: "They loved you." (referring to your friends during the motorbike trip)
3. You said you like the way I dress - you love my clothes, you like how I match them.
4. That I have to think about september. Honestly, you just don't want me to leave. You're planning my future so I'd stay and we'd be together. You are being really manipulative.
5. Favorite topic: we were darn talking about marriage again, which is funny since both of us never experienced being married. Basically, topic revolves around why it doesn't work for some and how to avoid and solve the problems. And incidental topic: me wanting to get married, which I had to clarify several times that I don't want right now.
You, darling, are proposing (albeit indirectly) to me at least once a week.
here.now.
I need you now, darling. Really. This week started like hell, and I wish it would just end. But i can't deny there are a few little moments of happiness.
But i wish you're here, and we can weather any storm together.
But i wish you're here, and we can weather any storm together.
Monday, June 07, 2010
yesterday
Yesterday morning:
an expert at subtlety - you always make me think if you're using as one of your metaphors again, any of the subjects we're talking about to represent our situation.
Are you reading me again? my body language?
darling, you might think I'm playing with fire with you.
I don't know about you, but as my record will show, I'm not the one who always gets burned.
are you studying me all the time?
you love me, don't you?
1 week and you're already attached.
we're less than halfway, darling.
and you're already worried about being dumped.
Last night:
We talked for 3 hours. Am I just a friend, or am i now more like a girlfriend, or even a wife? Haha. We live in the same house, have breakfast and/or dinner together, chat for hours, update on our lives, and plan the future.
My guy friends usually accuse me of being a jealous girlfriend, when I'm not - and they have girlfriends. Haha. Sometimes I can't just help it - maybe I act more than a friend should be. But still, 99% of the time - it makes us closer. They see it as a sweet, thoughtful act, and maybe just like a little sister throwing tantrums when ignored. But sometimes I get carried away, and them too. But I always back out as fast as I can, and they're left behind. Not that I want to; it's just because I feel it's not right.
I was wondering last night how it would feel to sleep in your arms.
an expert at subtlety - you always make me think if you're using as one of your metaphors again, any of the subjects we're talking about to represent our situation.
Are you reading me again? my body language?
darling, you might think I'm playing with fire with you.
I don't know about you, but as my record will show, I'm not the one who always gets burned.
are you studying me all the time?
you love me, don't you?
1 week and you're already attached.
we're less than halfway, darling.
and you're already worried about being dumped.
Last night:
We talked for 3 hours. Am I just a friend, or am i now more like a girlfriend, or even a wife? Haha. We live in the same house, have breakfast and/or dinner together, chat for hours, update on our lives, and plan the future.
My guy friends usually accuse me of being a jealous girlfriend, when I'm not - and they have girlfriends. Haha. Sometimes I can't just help it - maybe I act more than a friend should be. But still, 99% of the time - it makes us closer. They see it as a sweet, thoughtful act, and maybe just like a little sister throwing tantrums when ignored. But sometimes I get carried away, and them too. But I always back out as fast as I can, and they're left behind. Not that I want to; it's just because I feel it's not right.
I was wondering last night how it would feel to sleep in your arms.
He's mine.
I really want that cat. He's the one for me. I've been thinking about it for some time, you know - getting a pet. I want a pet that will respond - not a fish or a turtle or a bird. A dog or a cat would be great. And it will be a nice training for me in taking care of someone or something. I'll get him tomorrow, no matter what. He or she, it doesn't matter.
---------------------------
Funny moment:
Him: But you'll just dump him after 2 months. Animal Ethics.
Me: 3, I'd be here for another 3 months. What??
Him: Then, you'll dump him after 3 months.
Me: It's not dumping. I'm just giving him to someone else!
Him: That's still dumping him. They get attached, you know. You have to take care of them forever. [was it really the word "forever" again?]
Me: No. [referring to dumping; not attachment]
Him: Trang is probably okay with it, but her parents won't be. And they're gonna move to the countryside after a few years. [retirement]
Me: Huh? Then it's dead by then.
Him: Depends on how old it is.
------------------------------
Is it just a way of playing a role? Is the cat a kind of metaphor? Darling, when I say something, you don't have to over-think or over-analyze. I'm not like Ernest Hemingway; what I say is what I mean - not an iceberg, no 2/3s underneath. Call me shallow, tactless, stupid - I don't care. If it gets the point across, that's my only responsibility. If you over-think and think the wrong thing, then it's no longer my fault.
And oh, a little update - we're both moving out on early September. Haha. Funny, funny how our schedules coincide. My plan was already fixed when I arrived, yours wasn't. Darling, i know you just can't leave me. You don't want to leave me.
---------------------------
Funny moment:
Him: But you'll just dump him after 2 months. Animal Ethics.
Me: 3, I'd be here for another 3 months. What??
Him: Then, you'll dump him after 3 months.
Me: It's not dumping. I'm just giving him to someone else!
Him: That's still dumping him. They get attached, you know. You have to take care of them forever. [was it really the word "forever" again?]
Me: No. [referring to dumping; not attachment]
Him: Trang is probably okay with it, but her parents won't be. And they're gonna move to the countryside after a few years. [retirement]
Me: Huh? Then it's dead by then.
Him: Depends on how old it is.
------------------------------
Is it just a way of playing a role? Is the cat a kind of metaphor? Darling, when I say something, you don't have to over-think or over-analyze. I'm not like Ernest Hemingway; what I say is what I mean - not an iceberg, no 2/3s underneath. Call me shallow, tactless, stupid - I don't care. If it gets the point across, that's my only responsibility. If you over-think and think the wrong thing, then it's no longer my fault.
And oh, a little update - we're both moving out on early September. Haha. Funny, funny how our schedules coincide. My plan was already fixed when I arrived, yours wasn't. Darling, i know you just can't leave me. You don't want to leave me.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
training for something
June 3, 2010
my mom is telling me to get a job which promises a good work experience - or should I say the most gasgas word in job hunting history - good "training". Haha. I'm at a total loss, what am i supposed to be training for? Something that will back up my degree, or something that i want to do in the future? Maybe i should... start planning my career (and life) direction, and saving up for retirement. Yey. Haha. :)
Uncle: too early and too young to be planning for career and retirement .let it come to you.enjoy what you have now .how about visiting us again.you and the boys will have alot to share about careers.love you.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
charming, lovely community
Amusing things here:
1. Grocery store in the diplomatic area with a cafe next door with the same owner. Foreign books at the cafe in all sorts of languages; left by customers perhaps. People can borrow (just get any book from the shelf), and just return them anytime. No issues whatsoever. It doesn't matter, and everyone's cool about it.
2. Bookworm -if you buy something here, you can sell it back for 1/3 the price. good english books are hard to come by, that's why people would just rather like it rotate in the city than leave the country. And it's so interesting to find a myriad of books of different eras. Haha.
3. Xe-om drivers - they remember me, and the places where I usually go. No more bargaining, same price all the time.
4. Market - everytime I go out, I say hello to the babies with their grandmothers in the alley. I pass by the pineapple lady and smile, say hello. Pass by the xeom drivers, say hello. Into the market, and say hello to the tomato man and the fruit lady. Fruit lady's always offering me the dragonfruit, which is Jack's favorite and not mine. I never buy that fruit, although I'd eat it if it's there. Haha.
5. Pharmacy and sari-sari stores across doi can -they know I can't speak the local language, so they're more helpful and accommodating. And they no longer mind me just hovering inside their stores looking hard for something. In other stores, people follow me around and keep on asking what I want. But when they know me already, they just let me be. Haha.
I feel like I'm part of a community, which I'd never felt before in a larger scale.
1. Grocery store in the diplomatic area with a cafe next door with the same owner. Foreign books at the cafe in all sorts of languages; left by customers perhaps. People can borrow (just get any book from the shelf), and just return them anytime. No issues whatsoever. It doesn't matter, and everyone's cool about it.
2. Bookworm -if you buy something here, you can sell it back for 1/3 the price. good english books are hard to come by, that's why people would just rather like it rotate in the city than leave the country. And it's so interesting to find a myriad of books of different eras. Haha.
3. Xe-om drivers - they remember me, and the places where I usually go. No more bargaining, same price all the time.
4. Market - everytime I go out, I say hello to the babies with their grandmothers in the alley. I pass by the pineapple lady and smile, say hello. Pass by the xeom drivers, say hello. Into the market, and say hello to the tomato man and the fruit lady. Fruit lady's always offering me the dragonfruit, which is Jack's favorite and not mine. I never buy that fruit, although I'd eat it if it's there. Haha.
5. Pharmacy and sari-sari stores across doi can -they know I can't speak the local language, so they're more helpful and accommodating. And they no longer mind me just hovering inside their stores looking hard for something. In other stores, people follow me around and keep on asking what I want. But when they know me already, they just let me be. Haha.
I feel like I'm part of a community, which I'd never felt before in a larger scale.
off to neverland
Last week, we were at the Perfume Pagoda. This week, Trixie's in Japan, Lisa's somewhere, and Mia's probably in Philippines now. I feel so down, like the loser in a group. We were never been a group of friends, just people who stuck together for convenience and 'cause it's the best way to do it. But it was fun.
Life should be great. Life is great.
Life should be great. Life is great.
private thoughts, private intentions
We were discussing a medical condition wherein parasites live in the body, and how to prevent such thing by taking a tablet of Fugacar.
Him: You've never taken any (he was assuming). You're not going to be a very attractive girlfriend.
Me: But I don't want a boyfriend.
-----------------------------------------
You wanted me to say something in your defense.
Your age - that you're not too old.
Your body - that you look great.
Your bike - that you're the coolest guy in town.
Darling, I'm a rebel at heart. I will not say/do anything that people expect me to say or do. I know you want me to compliment you or whatever. I'm scared of the effect. For me, it would be normal. But I don't know how you're gonna take it.
We have an entirely platonic relationship, right?
You said you like me, that you really really like me. And that you'd kill anyone who's gonna hurt me. And that you don't like a lot of people. I took it in the friendship plane. I'm having my doubts now. I don't think we were thinking in the same level.
You've been putting the other guy down - acting like a 15 year old, reckless, girly bike, girly ways, what else? 'Cause you're jealous. You can see I really like him, and that we hit it off immediately. Chemistry? No problem.
And I wasn't exactly responding to your advances, right? No comments, no flattery. You don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm gonna do, and my reactions would be. So sorry.
Him: You've never taken any (he was assuming). You're not going to be a very attractive girlfriend.
Me: But I don't want a boyfriend.
-----------------------------------------
You wanted me to say something in your defense.
Your age - that you're not too old.
Your body - that you look great.
Your bike - that you're the coolest guy in town.
Darling, I'm a rebel at heart. I will not say/do anything that people expect me to say or do. I know you want me to compliment you or whatever. I'm scared of the effect. For me, it would be normal. But I don't know how you're gonna take it.
We have an entirely platonic relationship, right?
You said you like me, that you really really like me. And that you'd kill anyone who's gonna hurt me. And that you don't like a lot of people. I took it in the friendship plane. I'm having my doubts now. I don't think we were thinking in the same level.
You've been putting the other guy down - acting like a 15 year old, reckless, girly bike, girly ways, what else? 'Cause you're jealous. You can see I really like him, and that we hit it off immediately. Chemistry? No problem.
And I wasn't exactly responding to your advances, right? No comments, no flattery. You don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm gonna do, and my reactions would be. So sorry.
accomplishments
What have I accomplished so far (January-June 5)?
1. MJN- flowcharts project on tax cycle, fixed assets and purchasing
2. FA 1 book - student's workbook, teacher's manual - answer key and transcript, CD tracks
3. 2 CS classes
Ongoing:
1. 2 FA/B classes
2. Learning to cook local food
3. Learning Spanish and Viet
Should do one every after half-year. Will review at the end of June.
1. MJN- flowcharts project on tax cycle, fixed assets and purchasing
2. FA 1 book - student's workbook, teacher's manual - answer key and transcript, CD tracks
3. 2 CS classes
Ongoing:
1. 2 FA/B classes
2. Learning to cook local food
3. Learning Spanish and Viet
Should do one every after half-year. Will review at the end of June.
fixed costs
why i'm pretty cash-tight (read: will be broke in a while) this month:
1. paid for my 3month visa which cost nearly 200USD
2. paid room rental until end of August
3. paid bike rental for 3 months until end of August
4. vacation and tours last month
5. new phone and SIM, and lost cash last month
At least, all my fixed costs for the next 3 months are covered. Only the variable expenses then has to be monitored, or controlled, which is exactly my problem. I can't say no to eating out and having fun. Haha.
1. paid for my 3month visa which cost nearly 200USD
2. paid room rental until end of August
3. paid bike rental for 3 months until end of August
4. vacation and tours last month
5. new phone and SIM, and lost cash last month
At least, all my fixed costs for the next 3 months are covered. Only the variable expenses then has to be monitored, or controlled, which is exactly my problem. I can't say no to eating out and having fun. Haha.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
direction
my mom is pressuring me to get a career (and life) direction, get a job with good work experience or should i say the most gasgas word - "training". but i'm at an absolute loss, darling. training for what? what am i supposed to be training for?
with my college friends working for auditing firms or as MTs in MNCs, now I look like I'm the only one naliligaw ng landas. But why does everything right now feels so right? Not perfect; life isn't perfect - i have my own share of troubles. But I feel so at home.
with my college friends working for auditing firms or as MTs in MNCs, now I look like I'm the only one naliligaw ng landas. But why does everything right now feels so right? Not perfect; life isn't perfect - i have my own share of troubles. But I feel so at home.
note
note to self:
when something bad happens that is out of my control, i'd say: shit happens
when i made a mistake or a wrong decision, i'd say: charge it to experience
when something bad happens that is out of my control, i'd say: shit happens
when i made a mistake or a wrong decision, i'd say: charge it to experience
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Auntie: good advise manoy __. listen to him.