January 7, 2010
always looking for the perfect start for the perfect ending.
what an illusion.
he snapped me right out of it.
Just start somewhere,
he said.
February 28, 2010
wont you even speak to me?
darling i love you, you know that.
what's with cruise control?
don't you care for me?
will you ignore me until i come back?
can't you see im waiting for you?
you're still with her?
don't you love me at all?
i think you care
March 24, 2010
Next month, it will be different.
Darling, there's so much i want to tell you!
I really, really want to talk to you now.
I miss you.
And yet, will you not make it work?
I'm dreaming, when I’m back. will you still love me?
Do you love me now?
for no other reason, i just want to cry.
i am certainly not homesick.
not bored.
i have something to do. for at least 5 more months.
but why am i feeling so helpless? hopeless
Broke?
self inflicted pain.
just depressed. i think i need some chocolate.
i thought leaving, a change of scenery - would me make feel better. Yes I’m free. and worthless.
the lunch food i bought for 30000 dong left a horrible "death" taste in my mouth. i want something sweet, something heavenly.
some people move. some people stay. I’m a mover. make me stay, darling.
March 29, 2010
Stillness
Hi Toni, here's what I read from J. Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted about stillness. "Today, before I make decisions, I will try to listen for God's voice. Today, I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or anger - I will take those feelings as prompts from the Spirit to listen first. In each of these situations, I will ask God, 'How would you want me to respond?'. I will live in stillness."
April 4, 2010
Wedding!
I saw that Yahoo article about pet peeves during weddings, and now I'm imagining my own wedding! What would it feel like to get proposed to, and have a wedding! :)
I would love to have it in a beach or garden. I hope it's sunny and warm. People can dress comfortably (with the assistance of the hired stylists), get a light sunny makeup, and dressed up hair. It would be great if everyone can feel beautiful and happy at the same time. they feel easy, comfortable, and free. Punctuality would be a must. Mass, signing, then pictorials all throughout and a formal one at the end of the mass. Then, reception in the same area. Lots of good comfort food - familiar, healthy, delicious, good-quality. There would be cocktails before the mass, no food during the mass, then full-course after the mass. There would be appetizers, main course; desserts served buffet style with many tables so not much lines. There would be veggies, vegan food, pork, chicken, beef, everything! lots of fruits, chocolates, champagne, and beer. No one is allowed to get drunk. no cocktails, just champagne, soda, water, and light beer.
Everybody can stuff themselves full - easy dining with no fuss for the formal table manners and clothes. Then they can watch the video of the guests afterwards and there will be games for everyone - kids, teens, adults, oldies. Lots of dancing too! cake will be delicious and served during the dancing, with champagne. Ahh desserts. Everyone should dance. garter and bouquet as a game for the single adults.
So much love and comfort. If beach, then people can go swimming afterwards. Souvenirs will be sent through mail - photos and a little thingy. A hundred guests will be enough - just close family and friends.
Gosh, i want to attend a wedding like that. Afternoon to evening would be perfect. 3pm-4pm mass. at 5pm,reception will start at sunset.
April 26, 2010
Third week of April, 2010
I know I'm supposed to be here. Everything keeps pointing this way. All the arrows- all of them - even the maps and directions I've asked ages ago - are pointing this way.
But I still have no idea- aside from my personal development, what else is in here for me?
I guess this is the time to fix myself up. And there will be no escape or exit route for me this time. I have to fix myself and work on it. Really, really hard.
Part 2:
Darling,
How come you're not here with me? I've tried to put a face on you. But no - it escapes me. You're like a myriad of characteristics of all the men I've ever met and interested in.
I am not lonely. It's just that things aren’t working out as well as I thought it would be. And I want to move away - escape from everything. Stat all over again, and leave all the mess where it started. But I know, some way or another, all the messes I've left and escaped from - will come back to me in the most haunting way. And I'm afraid I can't face them all at the same time, and all by myself.
I just want you to know, that whoever you are, please come and help me. I just feel like crying and darn, I hate it. I've been stuck up in this room for days - sick physically and emotionally. And most are psychological anyway. I want some excuse to be excused from all the normal ordinary work that haunts me now. Darling, please come over and rescue me before I start getting angry. Everyone and everything is normal - with the usual ups and downs. But why do I feel this way? Maybe it's just that I haven't really mastered the art of dealing with the unfortunate situations.
I've been wanting to get into therapy - to talk to someone. What are the chances I'll be living with someone who got a degree in psychology? I'm meant to be here darling. All arrows are pointing this way. But I'm not ye sure wh/ But I'll do everything I can - fix myself, grow, develop into a more mature and charming person.
April 27, 2010
This week
Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.
I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?
I remember random things we talked about:
1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.
2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.
Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. What a pickup line.
April 27, 2010
YES
Yes, I know intercultural marriages are now very common. But people are still very judgmental about it.
I’ll tell you what. If you are just somewhat younger, probably my age – I’ll respond. But darling, you’re a nice person and I do recognize the signs:
1. You remember everything I said - the food!
2. You care
3. You want to see and talk to me all the time
4. You kept making all these excuses to see me and be with me. And oh, your classic pick up lines.
5. Chocolate? You wanted to kiss me. You need a girlfriend.
6. Breaking your diet? Hah. I know better.
7. You’ll do everything for me. You don’t want me to leave.
But I’ve got an amazing self-control, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, you couldn’t control yourself, right? Beers and rushing to your bedroom? You just left me in the kitchen? You’re not like that.
I’m a tease. And you’re my friend. And that’s all there is to it. I’m giving you hints – you’re older than my parents, my friends (guys), guys I want to date - no marriage, etc. You have to know, a lot of guys feel the same way as you do about me. That’s why they kept wanting me to settle down with them. I can make a connection with anyone I want to have one. See? They’re not coincidences. All these guys – they feel like I’m their soul mate or something. One I really particularly liked, and would have introduced him to my parents had he not suggested it in the first place.
But you – you’ve been through everything I wanted to do. Now your life is quite stable, you’re all settled now – ready to settle down and get married. But me? I want a fast-tracked life with all the fun and excitement. We are not meant to be together. We are just friends.
You think I’m holding back my feelings? I always maintain a certain space between us. Cause I know it would be a trigger for you. You’d feel something much more stronger if I touch you, see? That’s why I avoid even just touching you. But yesterday, i just had to call your attention. and we did. And it’s a mistake. At least last night, we realized how different we are.
I’m not that pretty for men to always fall at my feet. There are always several men that I also like but seem to have very strong feelings.
I’m so messed up right now. I don’t know how to face you tomorrow. We really need to talk.
As you have said, women have internal loser radars. And we have this attraction radar too. After a few days or weeks together, I can somehow “read” a guy’s mind and get in sync with his life. I’m quite flexible, if that’s the case. But they’ll never have me. Never.
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