Steve,
Hindi ko man lang nasabi sayo ng harap-harapan, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na mahal kita. Andaming pagkakataon pero hindi ko man lang yun nagawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero kung hindi pa panahon, maghihintay ako. Kung tayo talaga, sana marinig mo rin ang tawag ng tadhana.
I must admit, you were more committed to the relationship at the start. I didn't know if it was just so easy for you to be that, or if you're really in love with me. I was so cold and distant. But I was still trying to figure out my feelings as well as how to express them. Honestly, I don't know if it's love, if it's the real thing. But the only thing I know is that I want to be with you forever. And I told you that before, you're the only person I can give forever to.
Mahal, sana masaya ka kung nasaan ka man. At habang ako'y nagsisimula ng panibagong buhay, gagawin ko ang lahat para sa susunod nating pagkikita (kung sakali man), mas magiging maayos at masaya ang relasyon natin. At sana magkasama tayo magpakailanman.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
letter to Steve
Dear Steve,
I'm here in Manila already. I just changed my Facebook status as not listed in a relationship, which I might as well do before you delete your account. I really hope you wouldn't though. I want to see some of your pictures in China.
I'm sorry for last night - I should have listened and answered your questions. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time, that you'd laugh at them, and then I'd know that they don't matter to you. I'm sorry for today's calls - I just can't imagine how it's going to be like the next days, and weeks, and months. We've only been going out for over a month, but I hope the notes tell you how much you mean to me.
Thank you for everything. I have no regrets in saying "yes", meeting you, and having fun. I was happy, and I hope you were too. My only regret would be that we were both there for each other when we were planning our next trips, and I was thinking that maybe...just maybe, we could have done something to make it work for both of us.
I remember the Ninh Binh trip with the bridge, the stars, the fireflies, and you. I remember sitting beside the lake, in a cafe, or having lunch/dinner with you in a restaurant. I remember just hanging out with you watching TV in your apartment. I remember you driving all the way to Cau Giay just to pick me up, and later drop me off at Doi Can. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses, your smell, your shirt, everything about you. I will miss your apartment, your motorbike, and all the places we've been to. I will miss the way you hold me, and I will miss your laughter. I will miss you, evil Steve. It's not going to be easy for me, but you were nice and sympathetic enough.
And oh, I think you'd be a great dad. I've seen you with pets and kids, and you love them. Age isn't an issue. You know what? I thought, just thought...that with all those side comments from you, that you were actually changing your mind about marriage. False hope, I guess. I was hoping that there'd be something more. And now I realized what the differences are between dating and bf-gf: Love and Commitment. And we never told each other the L-word. So I'm saying it now - I do love you, Steve. And it will take me some time to let go, and move on. But I will really really try not to contact you again unless you ask. This should be my last, and I really hope I can control myself. I'm still crying, and I've been crying since I called you this morning. It hurts, and I can't help it.
Even though it hurts, still I'd wish on a thousand shooting stars for Forever. But only if you'd be happy too. And I wish you the best in everything that you do.
Love,
Nikki
I'm here in Manila already. I just changed my Facebook status as not listed in a relationship, which I might as well do before you delete your account. I really hope you wouldn't though. I want to see some of your pictures in China.
I'm sorry for last night - I should have listened and answered your questions. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time, that you'd laugh at them, and then I'd know that they don't matter to you. I'm sorry for today's calls - I just can't imagine how it's going to be like the next days, and weeks, and months. We've only been going out for over a month, but I hope the notes tell you how much you mean to me.
Thank you for everything. I have no regrets in saying "yes", meeting you, and having fun. I was happy, and I hope you were too. My only regret would be that we were both there for each other when we were planning our next trips, and I was thinking that maybe...just maybe, we could have done something to make it work for both of us.
I remember the Ninh Binh trip with the bridge, the stars, the fireflies, and you. I remember sitting beside the lake, in a cafe, or having lunch/dinner with you in a restaurant. I remember just hanging out with you watching TV in your apartment. I remember you driving all the way to Cau Giay just to pick me up, and later drop me off at Doi Can. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses, your smell, your shirt, everything about you. I will miss your apartment, your motorbike, and all the places we've been to. I will miss the way you hold me, and I will miss your laughter. I will miss you, evil Steve. It's not going to be easy for me, but you were nice and sympathetic enough.
And oh, I think you'd be a great dad. I've seen you with pets and kids, and you love them. Age isn't an issue. You know what? I thought, just thought...that with all those side comments from you, that you were actually changing your mind about marriage. False hope, I guess. I was hoping that there'd be something more. And now I realized what the differences are between dating and bf-gf: Love and Commitment. And we never told each other the L-word. So I'm saying it now - I do love you, Steve. And it will take me some time to let go, and move on. But I will really really try not to contact you again unless you ask. This should be my last, and I really hope I can control myself. I'm still crying, and I've been crying since I called you this morning. It hurts, and I can't help it.
Even though it hurts, still I'd wish on a thousand shooting stars for Forever. But only if you'd be happy too. And I wish you the best in everything that you do.
Love,
Nikki
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Reflections on Breakup
Why I had no boyfriend before?
I never liked anyone that much to exert effort in a relationship. I follow my instincts more than I do what my brain thinks. And with you, I was just comfortable - no questions asked. It just felt so right. I knew there was no certainty, but I was still in for the real thing. It was a risk I had to take, and I wanted to take. And I'd do it again if given the same opportunity.
I just want you to know, that even though I knew there was no assurance, that we have to part ways, and there will be changes..I was still in for the real thing.
Maybe it just took me some time to get used to the idea of having you around. Maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other, and that we might misinterpret what the other person is trying to say. Maybe I just didn't have the previous experiences necessary for me to express my feelings properly. Maybe I just wasn't the expressively sweet and loving person you want me to be.
But I just want you to know - that I do care for you, and I wish you the best in life. I hope you enjoy the travels and adventures you will have ahead.
We had a great time, didn't we? We had a wonderful time together. And I don't regret taking the risk. If I had one shot at Mr. Right, I'm going to take the risk. Yes, yes. I will say Yes, over and over again.
You taught me how to love, how to let go. I'm willing to do everything, and fight for something but I have to know that person I'm willing to fight for wants me to do it as well...wants to be won over.
You're a very attractive person, and I am jealous of all the girls throwing themselves at you, while you continue to be the sweet person that you are.
Things I should have told you then:
1. You are attractive
2. You make me happy and contented
3. You make me laugh
4. Yes, you got me!
And I have taken them all for granted
I have to stop being so sensitive. You love me, and I know that! And I'm not helping either of us, or the situation by being so negative. You love me. And I love you. And we will be together forever.
I know the feeling of being grumpy and not caring about the other people. It's been too long, and you are tired. I hope you're making the right decision darling.
I am happy. Because I found someone whom I can give forever to. I thank the Lord everyday, that I met you and I experienced love, which is something you cannot sympathize with unless you experienced it.
What will happen is just a challenge - a test if we are really for each other. Bring it on, Life! I'm ready. If we're not for each other, then somebody else out there is for us. Someone better suited to us. And yes, we shouldn't be sad. We should be happy. Because in the end, everything's going to be alright. Just the way it should be. Just the way God wants it to be. The perfect way.
I never liked anyone that much to exert effort in a relationship. I follow my instincts more than I do what my brain thinks. And with you, I was just comfortable - no questions asked. It just felt so right. I knew there was no certainty, but I was still in for the real thing. It was a risk I had to take, and I wanted to take. And I'd do it again if given the same opportunity.
I just want you to know, that even though I knew there was no assurance, that we have to part ways, and there will be changes..I was still in for the real thing.
Maybe it just took me some time to get used to the idea of having you around. Maybe we just have different ways of showing that we care for each other, and that we might misinterpret what the other person is trying to say. Maybe I just didn't have the previous experiences necessary for me to express my feelings properly. Maybe I just wasn't the expressively sweet and loving person you want me to be.
But I just want you to know - that I do care for you, and I wish you the best in life. I hope you enjoy the travels and adventures you will have ahead.
We had a great time, didn't we? We had a wonderful time together. And I don't regret taking the risk. If I had one shot at Mr. Right, I'm going to take the risk. Yes, yes. I will say Yes, over and over again.
You taught me how to love, how to let go. I'm willing to do everything, and fight for something but I have to know that person I'm willing to fight for wants me to do it as well...wants to be won over.
You're a very attractive person, and I am jealous of all the girls throwing themselves at you, while you continue to be the sweet person that you are.
Things I should have told you then:
1. You are attractive
2. You make me happy and contented
3. You make me laugh
4. Yes, you got me!
And I have taken them all for granted
I have to stop being so sensitive. You love me, and I know that! And I'm not helping either of us, or the situation by being so negative. You love me. And I love you. And we will be together forever.
I know the feeling of being grumpy and not caring about the other people. It's been too long, and you are tired. I hope you're making the right decision darling.
I am happy. Because I found someone whom I can give forever to. I thank the Lord everyday, that I met you and I experienced love, which is something you cannot sympathize with unless you experienced it.
What will happen is just a challenge - a test if we are really for each other. Bring it on, Life! I'm ready. If we're not for each other, then somebody else out there is for us. Someone better suited to us. And yes, we shouldn't be sad. We should be happy. Because in the end, everything's going to be alright. Just the way it should be. Just the way God wants it to be. The perfect way.
Breakup Part 3
August 31: The last day in my calendar
We were at the cafe, and you were just trying to hold on to a conversation mindlessly, heartlessly. Just like some colleague at work trying to cheer themselves without their hearts really into it. I can see it in your eyes, in the way you talk, and the way you look at me.
I kept wanting to hug you, but you kept pushing me away. You said it's the same thing over and over again. I was trying to hold back tears, and you kept telling me not to cry. But I kept crying, and I can sense the annoyance in your voice. You said I cannot understand why I'm sad. We had a great time, and it's something we
should be happy about. You cannot understand why it's hard for me to let go and move on.
Me: Would it kill you to hold me back just for a few more days before you leave?
You: -no response-
Me: You wouldn't hear from me again - no texts, no calls, no emails.
You: *shocked* What? I thought we're gonna keep this up - on and off.
Me: What? Merry Christmas, Steve? It's easier for me that way.
You: Okay.
Me: But while we're still here, we might as well be happy, right?
You: Yeah we can still hang out, go somewhere, chat. But it's over. And you know that.
Me: -long pause- Is it over because we're gonna leave soon, or is it because you don't like me anymore?
You: I still like you. -but maybe not as much as before?-
Me: I knew there was no assurance, and I should have been more prepared.
You: You are prepared.
Me: -confused- Yea, time's up. It's in my calendar - August 31. 45..46 days.
You: -surprised- That's it for you? -no idea why you're so annoyed by what i said-
Me: Yes. And then I'll go back to the Philippines, and will try to forget you. Can we go to your apartment one last time? I want to tell you one more thing.
@ your apartment:
I sat on your lap and hugged you. And I won't let you push me away.
Me: I care about you, and I'm happy when I'm with you.
You: Is that all? Were you just afraid you're gonna cry again?
Me: Yes.
You: But you just told me you're gonna forget me when you get back to the Philippines.
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend?
You: -no reaction-
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend? How could I forget my first kiss?...Well,we can't be friends, but I won't hate you either.
You: -shocked again and long pause- How was it?
Me: What?
You: Your first kiss!
Me: Well, we were in Ninh Binh.
You: I didn't ask where, I asked how was it!
Me: I'm trying to remember!
You: You don't have to remember anything!
Me: Great!
You: You're learning!
And then you hugged me, kissed me. And you just transformed into the old sweet, charming Steve that I used to know. And I haven't told you yet that I love you.
Then we had a nice time watching TV, and had a wonderful dinner. A happy evening for us.
We were at the cafe, and you were just trying to hold on to a conversation mindlessly, heartlessly. Just like some colleague at work trying to cheer themselves without their hearts really into it. I can see it in your eyes, in the way you talk, and the way you look at me.
I kept wanting to hug you, but you kept pushing me away. You said it's the same thing over and over again. I was trying to hold back tears, and you kept telling me not to cry. But I kept crying, and I can sense the annoyance in your voice. You said I cannot understand why I'm sad. We had a great time, and it's something we
should be happy about. You cannot understand why it's hard for me to let go and move on.
Me: Would it kill you to hold me back just for a few more days before you leave?
You: -no response-
Me: You wouldn't hear from me again - no texts, no calls, no emails.
You: *shocked* What? I thought we're gonna keep this up - on and off.
Me: What? Merry Christmas, Steve? It's easier for me that way.
You: Okay.
Me: But while we're still here, we might as well be happy, right?
You: Yeah we can still hang out, go somewhere, chat. But it's over. And you know that.
Me: -long pause- Is it over because we're gonna leave soon, or is it because you don't like me anymore?
You: I still like you. -but maybe not as much as before?-
Me: I knew there was no assurance, and I should have been more prepared.
You: You are prepared.
Me: -confused- Yea, time's up. It's in my calendar - August 31. 45..46 days.
You: -surprised- That's it for you? -no idea why you're so annoyed by what i said-
Me: Yes. And then I'll go back to the Philippines, and will try to forget you. Can we go to your apartment one last time? I want to tell you one more thing.
@ your apartment:
I sat on your lap and hugged you. And I won't let you push me away.
Me: I care about you, and I'm happy when I'm with you.
You: Is that all? Were you just afraid you're gonna cry again?
Me: Yes.
You: But you just told me you're gonna forget me when you get back to the Philippines.
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend?
You: -no reaction-
Me: How could I forget my first boyfriend? How could I forget my first kiss?...Well,we can't be friends, but I won't hate you either.
You: -shocked again and long pause- How was it?
Me: What?
You: Your first kiss!
Me: Well, we were in Ninh Binh.
You: I didn't ask where, I asked how was it!
Me: I'm trying to remember!
You: You don't have to remember anything!
Me: Great!
You: You're learning!
And then you hugged me, kissed me. And you just transformed into the old sweet, charming Steve that I used to know. And I haven't told you yet that I love you.
Then we had a nice time watching TV, and had a wonderful dinner. A happy evening for us.
Breakup Part 2
Farewell Party:
The only reason that I invited him is because I'm thankful he introduced me to you. I'm getting emotional lately, and I really promised you that I won't be emotional at the party. There was no assurance from the start, we both knew it's gonna be over at the end of the month. It was no surprise to anyone. I knew it from the start. I played it cool the whole time. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now. If it's a game, then I lost. But I took the risk, and I don't regret it.
I have to be smiling at the party. And it really takes an effort every time I'm reminded of the time remaining. When i start crying, you'd tell me gently that when we started dating, we both knew. But you were so distant these past few days. You weren't as sweet as before. So I'm really getting worried. You were so ready to commit before, when we just started.
The only reason that I invited him is because I'm thankful he introduced me to you. I'm getting emotional lately, and I really promised you that I won't be emotional at the party. There was no assurance from the start, we both knew it's gonna be over at the end of the month. It was no surprise to anyone. I knew it from the start. I played it cool the whole time. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now. If it's a game, then I lost. But I took the risk, and I don't regret it.
I have to be smiling at the party. And it really takes an effort every time I'm reminded of the time remaining. When i start crying, you'd tell me gently that when we started dating, we both knew. But you were so distant these past few days. You weren't as sweet as before. So I'm really getting worried. You were so ready to commit before, when we just started.
Breakup Part 1
Let me try to remember what exactly happened for the past week. When we got back from Hai Phong, I told you I was hurt because you kept pushing me away. You kept giving me the "It's hot and I'm sweating" excuse. Days after that, I was the one who initiated most of our dates. I called you, asked you to pick me up, and barged into your apartment.
You were cold and distant, and I couldn't figure out why. When we go out, it seems like you never even want to see me. You don't even want to touch and kiss me. I had the feeling it's gonna be over soon.
We had lunch the day before the farewell party. Before we slept that night, we talked about our breakup. And you gave me your hanky because you said I'm gonna need it.
You: How about it started with a lunch and ended with a lunch? The last lunch we'd ever have. It can be the one we had today or tomorrow or any other day. Or how about 3.33am? Good enough for you?
Me: How about lunch and dinner? Started with a lunch and ended with a dinner?
You: I still like lunch-lunch. The last lunch. It's almost poetic. We'd never know until it's way over.
Me: Okay.
You: Or how about now?
Me: Now?
You: Now? How about now?
Me: Last lunch then.
Darn it. You got me now, and you want to let go?!
I was crying for the past several days, and my eyes are always red and puffy. You said you never understood why I was crying. We had a great time, I should be happy. It's nothing to be sad about. When I say I'm gonna miss you, you say nothing. As if you heard nothing.
You were cold and distant, and I couldn't figure out why. When we go out, it seems like you never even want to see me. You don't even want to touch and kiss me. I had the feeling it's gonna be over soon.
We had lunch the day before the farewell party. Before we slept that night, we talked about our breakup. And you gave me your hanky because you said I'm gonna need it.
You: How about it started with a lunch and ended with a lunch? The last lunch we'd ever have. It can be the one we had today or tomorrow or any other day. Or how about 3.33am? Good enough for you?
Me: How about lunch and dinner? Started with a lunch and ended with a dinner?
You: I still like lunch-lunch. The last lunch. It's almost poetic. We'd never know until it's way over.
Me: Okay.
You: Or how about now?
Me: Now?
You: Now? How about now?
Me: Last lunch then.
Darn it. You got me now, and you want to let go?!
I was crying for the past several days, and my eyes are always red and puffy. You said you never understood why I was crying. We had a great time, I should be happy. It's nothing to be sad about. When I say I'm gonna miss you, you say nothing. As if you heard nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)