letter to Steve

Dear Steve,

I'm here in Manila already. I just changed my Facebook status as not listed in a relationship, which I might as well do before you delete your account. I really hope you wouldn't though. I want to see some of your pictures in China.

I'm sorry for last night - I should have listened and answered your questions. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time, that you'd laugh at them, and then I'd know that they don't matter to you. I'm sorry for today's calls - I just can't imagine how it's going to be like the next days, and weeks, and months. We've only been going out for over a month, but I hope the notes tell you how much you mean to me.

Thank you for everything. I have no regrets in saying "yes", meeting you, and having fun. I was happy, and I hope you were too. My only regret would be that we were both there for each other when we were planning our next trips, and I was thinking that maybe...just maybe, we could have done something to make it work for both of us.

I remember the Ninh Binh trip with the bridge, the stars, the fireflies, and you. I remember sitting beside the lake, in a cafe, or having lunch/dinner with you in a restaurant. I remember just hanging out with you watching TV in your apartment. I remember you driving all the way to Cau Giay just to pick me up, and later drop me off at Doi Can. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses, your smell, your shirt, everything about you. I will miss your apartment, your motorbike, and all the places we've been to. I will miss the way you hold me, and I will miss your laughter. I will miss you, evil Steve. It's not going to be easy for me, but you were nice and sympathetic enough.

And oh, I think you'd be a great dad. I've seen you with pets and kids, and you love them. Age isn't an issue. You know what? I thought, just thought...that with all those side comments from you, that you were actually changing your mind about marriage. False hope, I guess. I was hoping that there'd be something more. And now I realized what the differences are between dating and bf-gf: Love and Commitment. And we never told each other the L-word. So I'm saying it now - I do love you, Steve. And it will take me some time to let go, and move on. But I will really really try not to contact you again unless you ask. This should be my last, and I really hope I can control myself. I'm still crying, and I've been crying since I called you this morning. It hurts, and I can't help it.

Even though it hurts, still I'd wish on a thousand shooting stars for Forever. But only if you'd be happy too. And I wish you the best in everything that you do.

Love,
Nikki