Today is probably a full-of-headache day

I suppose the people you attract tells something about you. It reflects how you portray yourself to other people. I am not sure I will be proud if men think I'm a hooker. Or, maybe in your case, you are just an attention whore?

And to my on-and-off boyfriend, if you are just trying to be a perfectionist so you can appear different than other people, you can go f*ck yourself. And if I'm always cranky because I'm hungry, tired, and/or sleepy, remind me that that's my fault, and I'm expected to be able to take care of myself.

Unfortunately, they give me headaches and heartaches...oh, but not for long. I don't have time and energy for this. I don't think these are worth my education.

BUT! I'm cooking cornbeef and rice, and I will have a wonderful meal and I will study in peace. Yay! :)

Life

3 days and I heard nothing from you.
Last Thursday, it was less than 5 minutes difference between you and my ex.
I marveled at the coincidence.
How did it happen that you both answered me at around the same time?

A conspiracy?
What a joke.

Life is mocking me.
And I will laugh back.
Bring it on.
I will welcome whatever it gives me with open arms.

Because, I know,
that in the end,
life will give me the best
of my heart's desire.

Last resort

If we're still single by the time I'm 35, will you be my last resort? I would want to be married at that time, and settle down. What do you think?

I miss you

I miss you.
When will you ever ask me out?
Yes, I liked you for 2 months now.
This isn't a simple crush.

I've been waiting for the past Wednesday.
Was so excited just to see you.
Then I got shy, and totally ignored you.

It wasn't a grammatical error.
It wasn't "I missed you."
I said I miss you.

And I really do.

June 21

It's the first day of summer! :)

What happened today?
I backed out. I'm sorry.
I was so nervous.
I was so scared, and shy, and embarrassed at the same time.

You sat beside me while watching the movie.
You wanted to touch me.
You kinda asked if I was not straight.
My gosh, was that your move?
To make me more sexually aggressive?

You killed the bug;
You're my hero.
How come you knew exactly what's happening?

You said you wanted to stay home tonight,
and not to go bar with friends.
You asked what time I go to work the next day.

You said your mom's coming next week.
You said you're gonna take her to the restaurant we passed by.

You said you thought my job isn't a real job.
That's what my ex-boyfriend used to say before.
I ain't pleased.

June 20, 2011

After class, you looked at me and kinda waited.
Then you asked if I'm walking, and I said yes.
I asked you to wait, and you did.
You were there near my locker door as I was putting my stuff inside.

You were there as if guarding me.
You made it clear to everyone that you're waiting for me.
It's like a High School romance I never had! Haha.
Then you said you like going home after class.
That you'll miss going to class when we're done.
That you like learning French, and going to class.
You asked if I'm going back on September.

During the break, we went to the park and sat on a bench, and chatted.
It was rather nice.
:)

French class

You were supposed to walk with me, not with her.
I miss you.
I was running conversations in my head for the past few days.
I wanted to talk to you alone.
Why don't you even ask for my number?

Tuesday night you said - see you tomorrow
You didn't go to class Wednesday night.
It happened before too.

I hope to see you on Monday.
And I hope you find your cat.

I care

Where are you?
I've been waiting for your call the whole day.

Series of Culinary Experiments

Desserts:
6. Angel Cake - not good; too sweet for me
7. Flan de huevos blancos - made a mistake, not good
8. Strawberry cream pies - good!

Appetizers/Main:
1. Tokwa't baboy

Clean up

To become more of a private person
I have to clean up my cyber footprints
Clean up my online image

Friendster - deleted
LinkedIn - deleted
Multiply - Ongoing downloading of photos; will be deleted soon
Facebook - major cleanup
Other sites - Jobstreet, etc - should all be deleted

FB life

Ex told me once that those who are in FB are the people with no life.
No life in the real world.

Guess he's right. :/
Or they're attention whores.

Mixed thoughts

We pride in being busy,
in being preoccupied most of the time,
even if aimlessly.
It's not because we're hoping it'll lead to something greater,
but because by doing so,
we FEEL important,
that's why.

Looking as if we can't be bothered,
that we don't have time for other people.
As if we are so much more important than others.
This is stupid.
I'm not busy, and I won't deny it.

I should go back to the musuem of fine arts when free,
and if there are exhibits.
Maybe on weekdays, not weekends;
there are tons of tourists on weekends.
I prefer less people; it's quieter.

I was already thinking about it-
not coming here.
But I feel at home here, somehow.
Still depressed, but less;
no longer suicidal.

Still it is depressing to know,
that I'm here all alone,
in this small lonely apartment of mine.
Yes, I like and love my apartment,
but it gets lonely living alone,
somehow.

I try to remember - some people have it worse than me
I'm quite selfish,
with only me to take care of.

I wish I have someone with me.
Someone to share life with.
Cheezy? Yes, but I don't care what you think.
Lord, I would like to thank you for that person.

Insecurities.

Not ready to deal with you right now.
Off with you.

Seems like you don't care anyway.
Took me a few months to realize.
Agh. I hate this feeling.

I have to be alone, heal myself
Get back on my own two feet
Without depending on anyone
Without seeking anyone
Asking them if they need me, want me

I look desperate, don't I?
I should keep myself busy.

WHAT?!

Messed up.
Mixed emotions.
Glad to have the day on my own.
So as not to affect others.
Though i'd love to go out.

I'm confused

Why is it YOU? Why are you making me smile and blush? Why do I think of you often, and not him?

The day he arrived -
You: You cleaned my oven??? *Then opened the fridge, stared, and gaped.*
Me: I cleaned your fridge.
You: Ahhhhhh.
Me: I took out some food containers. Not good.
You: *Looking at me* You are amazing. Why do you have to go?

If I knew you didn't want me to leave, I would have stayed. I wanted to stay. I love your place. And I like pestering you in the morning. :D

I remember the first time we met. You looked at me for more than 10 seconds before you said anything! :D

The first time we met at the airport!
So, that was your best friend with you!

You stared at me for sometime.
As in stared at me!
I couldn't understand why -
Were you disappointed?
Were you surprised?
Did I look so different from my Facebook photos?
And your friend was smiling all the time!

Certainly not rushing

Maybe it's because I understand him more when he speaks. Maybe because we've been talking long before I came here. Maybe because he's the first person I met here. Maybe because I lived with him for some time.

Maybe it's because of all those that I feel closer and more comfortable to him than to you. And he understands my background. I cannot deny though, that he's smart, good-looking, and quite attractive. He didn't flirt or try to be touchy with me. I was starting to think he was gay. He respected me and kept his distance. He's like one of my guy friends in college. I can talk to him, argue with him, make drama, laugh with/at him, do silly things, and he'd take it all in a stride, wouldn't think much about it, and still treat me the same way.

But You. You are too much like me, it scares me. Is it even real? We think in the same way, we have the same goals. We had the same reasons why we did what we did, why we're here.

March 1987.
5 years.
Graduated 2009.

But is it gonna last forever? I'll take it slow. A friend of mine told me to take it slow. We have 17 months left, anyway. Quite the opposite of my last relationship. :)

New You.

No reply, honey? No calls nor text?
I kinda miss you. :)

For some reason, I like being with you.
It will take some time for me to open up,
But I feel comfortable being with you. :)

Will you ask me out again?
A real dinner this time? :)

You're just terrible when we don't see each other.
But you're awesome when we're together.

April 9

He was definitely more attentive to me this time. He woke up for me, and opened the door, and there he was waiting and smiling at me. Just standing there, looking at me. Like when we met the first time at the airport.

And then:
Me: So when is the intern coming?
Him: In a month. So you can replace me with her.
Me: Who? What? Replace who? *lost and confused*

He loved my leche flan! He said it's actually pretty good! Definitely a compliment from someone who can cook! :) I said it's a dessert, and I pointed out that he's eating it for breakfast. He said he eats anything for breakfast. :)

THEN YOU CAME ALONG, AND ASKED IF I BOUGHT IT! He said I made it, and that I brought the pan. Then you said it's good, and that it's just like what your mom makes. I was a little surprised; I was pleased that you liked it, but it's like you're comparing me with your mom. Then you made up some sort of excuse, like it's your first month in Montreal today so it was a good thing I brought cake.

I love the way you touched me, I love the way you made coffee for me, I love the way you share things with me. :)

I'm scared, honey. I might fall in love with you too fast, too soon. I want to take it slow, also to allow you some time to think about it. I sincerely hope you're genuinely interested in me, and that the feeling's real.

It wasn't that exciting today. But I like you, and you're just so much like me in some ways. In how we view life. And you want to settle down after this. Haha. I mentioned travelling, and you said you wanted to stay in some place because you've already travelled enough. That was exactly what I told my officemates and friends just a few days ago!

You're ready! Omg! I never thought you are right now. Are you my soulmate? Someone I'd live life with? Someone I'd grow old with?

I'm starting to like you, and I hope you like me too. :) I probably haven't impressed that much on you that we're alike in so many ways, but I want to try show you that I'm not trying to pretend just to impress you.

I'd love to have us spending more time together! I so wanted to hold your hand and kiss you while we were in the theater. You are being more careful these days. Why, honey? Exactly a month ago, you were already holding my hand, and your arm was around my waist! :)

Happy First Month! :)

At the Start

The first time we met - you held my hand, and you wrapped your arm around my waist.
In less than an hour.
You were smiling and holding my hand.

I saw you were just too straight to be gay.
I thought you were!
Too flirty.

Then you said me you miss me. :)
I'm starting to like you.

16 hours a week with me?
Will you ever do it?
Not for sex?

I wish we could spend more time together,
And get to know each other well.

I hope you are not too much of a cynic.
Can you appreciate just what's there?
And laugh, and smile as much as you can?

Because I'm starting to like you, honey!

Marriage

I feel really lonely this weekend. Getting those occasional bouts of depression now that I'm quite settled. Still need to do some errands, but heart is empty and I want someone with me. I want someone to travel with, and share my experiences with - to talk to, to call anytime, and just to have fun. But I also want someone I can dream with, and make future plans.

Honestly, I want to do everything here and really enjoy this trip. But I also want to settle down in one place, with one person, with a long-term career plan and a dream. I guess I'm getting the marrying itch. Haha. Just right for my age? :)

And I hate you, Steve, for putting that idea into my head. Now I can't get it out.

You.are.funny.

Last night, you called. I forgot my phone, so my friend returned your call. You said you don't want to see me again, because the f*ck last night (other night now) was really bad. My friend answered that we just f*cked and it was good!

Darn you. I never slept with you. I haven't even seen you for a week!

When I come back

On September 2012:
I will go back to the province and work for the family.
I will study for the FSO exam while I'm there.

By that time, I'm 25 years old and has worked a total of 2 years abroad. Total work experience would be 1 month + 6 months + 1.5 months + 18 months = 26.5 months. I've had 4 jobs in 4 different companies, doing entirely different tasks. But now, at least, I know what to do. :)

Everything fell into place. I was able to help my parents during the time I was unemployed, and I attended a batch dinner and a get-together with college girlfriends this week. They were totally not planned for my departure, since I only learned about it yesterday. I'm glad about it, and thanks the Lord for making everything alright.

Catch-all

Trying to be the catch-all assistant. From a secretary to a governess, I have to do everything else that needs to be done.

A Library

I have a dream, a vision. I want to put up a library here in our province. It's gonna be something of a retirement job. I want to design it, build it, and manage it. It's going to be more of a private collection, but I suppose I can put a whole range of genres. There will be children's to old people's books. And there will be story telling sessions and autograph signing. It's got an automated system- a digitized library card maker, barcode scanner for books, and an inventory system like a POS. Just one computer for the librarian to manage lending and receiving. Another open terminal for people checking the reviews and availability of books. People can also write reviews on the books they've read using their library card. Then book sales can also be organized, and also for consignment from other people. Then a small cafe outside, and another private room for book club meetings and wifi users. A video and music room can also be made upstairs.

It's beautifully designed, warm and cozy. It's well ventilated, and most of all, it's FREE. Violations and late returns however, will be fined. :-)

Predominant mental disposition

I think it is unavoidable to think negative thoughts, but our predominant mental disposition should be positive. I think I have a similar post about this months ago.

I should be like Cyrilla, able to make happy, cheery, and easy letters.

Work and feelings

People say it takes work - great marriage, career, and everything else. So I'll work, and be as patient and as determined as possible to make our relationship work. A deal is a deal, even if it's only with myself.

And I won't let you decide how I feel. What I think and feel should be based on me alone, and I will not let outside circumstances affect me. I will continue to be a loving friend towards you. Not because I'm hoping you'd return the affection, but because it's me. I want to decide how I feel, and I am determined to be as happy as possible.

Alkaline

On a completely unrelated topic, what do you think of alkaline water? Of course I'm doing research too, but I'd like to know if you've heard anything about it. Planning on switching to it from purified. Is the concept a scam? Is it really beneficial to our health or is it harmful?

Abroad

One of the reasons why I love living in another country with a different language is because it is so much quieter. I can't understand them and I can easily block the "noise". I have only myself to think about, only my thoughts to hear.

vs. last year?

Why do I feel stagnant? It's an awful feeling, and I don't like it. Compared to last year, it feels like I'm back to Square 1 again. No job, no money, no lovelife, nothing. Nothing going on in my life. I try to do everything I can with what I have, as I always do. But just right now- I'm in the same exact situation as I was a year ago. Late 2009-Early 2010: After the board exam, the holidays, and on to the new year. 2011- This is supposed to be my year. I want EVERYTHING! And I'm excited about the future!

24

The date here is a day late. or half a day late. It's already January 5, and this post shows January 4. It was my cousin's 24th birthday yesterday. It reminds me that I'd also be turning 24 soon.

I keep dreaming that he will propose to me soon. That is, day dreaming. But no matter how exciting that prospect is, I hope I will snap out of it sooner than later. I am sick of waiting, with no assurance. Tired. Anxious. Hopeless.

24. I thought I'd have something GREAT going on in my life right now.

As Quitter of the Year

2010 - I resigned from my last job and relationship. They're over. Time to move on.
2011 is going to be my year! Woohoooo!