reality

i did something stupid. and ugly. and embarassing. and i hate it.

but i did something else which is wonderful and fulfilling.

i did everything darling. i did everything i can even if there's nothing to save in the first place.

i suppose i should be happy now. that i was given the opportunity to do everything. i took the risk, see? even if it didn't turned out what i hoped for...what happened was different.

i didn't expect something incredible to happen, though i hoped for it. what happened was nice enough for me to wish for a second time around.

i was always giving and expecting nothing in return. but i wished and hoped, and i prayed, that someday you will do something for me. but darling, throughout the years, you never even bothered to give me something. sometimes you were there when i asked you to. but that's always it - i ask for it, and sometimes you give in. it's like you're forced to do it. it's like you do it in return for whatever you received from me. that's what i feel. that's what i think you feel about it.

and you don't even know my birthday. i appreciate everything you did for me; but sometimes the yearnings of a romantic shows itself - the roses & chocolates, the sweet nothings, the spark, the magic, and the feeling that you love and are loved in return.

and it's obvious in your part that there is nothing to believe in. i should quit fooling myself that the things you do for me are special. cause i think they are ordinary things you do to your friends. i can't stop thinking how i managed to be in a delusion for such a long time when i'm hurting all the time.

it's over. it should be.

cause you are real darling; and i should stick to reality.