sudden realization

now i know why i'm always tensed and nervous when we meet.

'cause darling, for such a long time, we communicated thru phone/PC. we got to know each other using these means of communication. in the absence of personal interaction, i somehow managed to conjure up illusions of you. the sole basis of course were the conversations we had, and the few times we met.

and then, i didn't know how to react - when someone i believed so far away is suddenly infront of me. how can i face my illusions? i imagined a person out of you. i made a dream person out of our conversations.

the premise for our conversations i believed at first, is that i can easily open up to you because we are never going to meet. see? as much as i want to meet you again and again, there is a lot of difference in talking with a person thru phone/PC compared to being with you personally.

i cannot imagine that someone i dreamed for so long, someone i illusioned, someone i made up out of my own wishful thinking, will face me. i can't stand the fact that someone i opened up to -my feelings, my secrets, my thoughts - will face me one day.

and the embarrassment! how am i supposed to confront you?

my dreams, my fears, my illusions - they have to fade away. somehow i managed to hold on to them for such a long time and disconnecting myself to them is like giving up a big part of me.

but it's time for me to move on. move on to reality. you cannot remain in my thoughts as is.

you are real.