oregano

Had lunch at a new restaurant - good, not excellent. won't go back there again. it's average in manila. Haha. But it's quite rare here, i guess.

I really have to talk to him tonight and straighten things up. It's just that I'm not good at confrontations. Really have to clear up everything.

I'm good at controlling my positive feelings, but not my negative emotions. :)

friends?

Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.

I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?

I remember random things we talked about:

1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.

2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.

Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. That if I just take chances, I'd do the right thing. Take chances? of what? And he said, see, if i would just open myself to opportunities. or in what i can remember, he means if i just consider some things as opportunities and not categorize them as "cannot be".

What a pickup line. or lines, I should say. Repeated again when I went to his bedroom to ask for something. I wasn't flirting. I was being friendly.

Friday:
We went to a museum, had lunch, another museum, grocery, then home. like a date. i was eating chocolates. He mentioned chocolates produce better effects than kissing. then he bought a lot of chocolates on the way home. he ate everything. *he was trying to substitute chocolates for kissing?*

then we planned for the next day.

Saturday:
i went to a museum. he texted me for dinner, called several times. we went to a mall, grocery, then coffee, then we had a nice dinner at the buffet. great. best meal i've had. but dull conversations. i avoided saying too much to him that day. i mentioned the boys though. i was even feeling a bit sick and tired. I knew i was acting kinda distant. then we went to the night market, and the jazz club. we realized then that we were different. I wanted to go somewhere he doesn't want to, dance and party all night. we went home after the bar thing, and then he got some beers and immediately went to his room. he left me in the kitchen? i was getting some tea, for goodness' sake. he knew i wanted to chat for a while.

was this day like a second date?

Consolation:
Good thing we split the bills. I never have to carry the guilt feeling.

Sunday and Monday: we didn't see each other. Which is great. Space is what we need.

I just wanted friendship. Why is it so hard with these people? Men, whom I'm usually stuck with.

scared

Part 2:

I was saying that Trang's gonna marry this year, he's gonna marry in 2 years, and me in 10 years. And Trang said something..

Him: ..but you see, 10 years is a pretty long time.
Me: Huh? But I'M gonna marry in 10 years! YOU'RE gonna get married in 2 years! *What's your issue with my 10-year plan?*

And there was also something like cooking and trying to impress someone. And when I asked him why I should want to impress him, he made some excuse like trying to be helpful for my training to my future husband. Haha.

This morning, he made some comments about me marrying some primitive person. Haha. I recognize those signs - teasing me and suggesting partners for me. And yet, even with all the teasing, I know that they're gonna do everything for me. I know they love me. Essentially, they all make the same signs.

They try to make suggestions through teasing like - you're not gonna get married, or you're gonna be an old maid, or you should marry the next guy who'll propose because you might not get another. haha. darling, i know when a guy likes me and loves me enough to propose- but just scared to do so, because they're not sure if I love them back.

But you know, I'm just scared. I'm not sure I can trust them so it's pretty difficult for me to really accept it and commit to someone.

reason why

I'm really confused right now, darling.

I know i'm supposed to be here. All the signs are pointing this way. And I feel totally at home. There's no doubt that I made the right decision coming here. The things happening aren't just coincidences - they are meant to happen. The reason why I'm here, however, is what I don't know.

See, I've realized the following after having a talk with a friend last night:
1. I don't like the corporate life because it's too confining or restricting working in an office environment with all the cubicles, work hours, and policies.
2. I don't like my current job because I don't think I'm good at it. And low pay doesn't make me feel any better either.
3. I always try to move away if things don't go as good as planned. Or you can say, I try to escape the mess I'm in.

So, I think I have some idea now why I'm here:
1. Fix myself - emotionally and mentally - my plans, my attitude, and how I face temporary setbacks in life.
2. Have fun. Learn how to relax.

What are the chances, darling?
1. I've read that if you stay with police people, you don't have to do much paperwork. And I do now. I just learned about it that they're part of the police.
2. A housemate with a degree in psychology? I had wished for ages to talk to someone professional for some kind of therapy. Even informal.
3. A family. They are really nice and I like them. It feels so much like what a home should feel like.

I gotta fix myself. I was so messed up when I left the country.

forever?

These aren't the exact lines but they capture the essence:

He asked about my plans, and I told him I don't have any yet. My plan is only good for the next few months, and it's not even sure.

Me: So what are your plans?
Him: Forever?
Me: No! (*totally bewildered*) Just for this year!!!

> Gosh. What's with FOREVER? I'm living one month at a time, one week at a time, ONE DAY at a time. And then of course, he told me he wasn't sure yet. and I think it was then that he told me he's planning to get married in 2 years. Not planning, but he can feel it. Haha.

Me: you FEEL that you're getting married in 2 years?
Him: Yeah. Have you ever had that feeling? Like a gut feel, and if you don't follow it, it's going to be bad luck. I've had it for the past months - dreams, thoughts, you know.
Me: Yeah, that's why I'm HERE.

>I don't mean it that way! I was only saying I'm here in this country because of gut feel, like this is the one path for me at that time (and until now). But not in relation to his marriage feeling. HAHA.

take it slow

"Corbett was perfectly charming; it was inevitable that he should go on being charming to the end of the chapter. It was equally inevitable that she should go on being in love with him; but her love had undergone a modification which the years were not to efface.

Formerly he had been to her like an unexplored country, full of bewitching surprises and recurrent revelations of wonder and beauty; now she had measured and mapped him, and knew beforehand the direction of every path she trod. His answer to her question had give her the clue to the labyrinth; knowing what he had once done, it seemed quite simple to forecast his future conduct. For that long-past action was still a part of his actual being; he had not outlived or disowned it; he had not even seen that it needed defending.

Her ideal of him was shivered like the crystal above the miniature of the warrior of Chancellorsville. She had the crystal replaced by a piece of clear glass which (as the jeweler had pointed out to her) cost much less and looked equally well; and for the passionate worship which she had paid her husband she substituted a tolerant affections which possessed precisely the same advantages."

- excerpt from The Lamp of Psyche by Edith Wharton


This is what happens when a woman suddenly "figures out" her partner. Their relationship changes. It differs from the Twilight case in which the lead was attracted to the lady because he can't read her mind. When you figure someone's character, you can predict what they will think and say. It is entirely different from being able to read what someone else is thinking at the present moment, when that person is already thinking about whatever it is.

Then it becomes so predictable and boring. It is not just because you can already predict their thoughts and actions, but rather you can now see the narrowness and limit of their personality. This will result to disappointment and boredom. Really.

I've met guys who are non-losers but bordering on the losers' group. They were smart, nice, straight-arrow men. Good in school, but you won't know about the future because after-school or career is entirely different. There is no laid-out plan. But anyway, these guys, they have good jobs now & vacations, girlfriends, hobbies/sports, family, etc. The usual. Are they interesting? At first. But then it tends to get boring after. You see that after a while, they have nothing new to offer. Maybe I was impatient. Only a month, and I think I figured them out. Maybe a few more months, and deep conversations we would be able to find it each other more interesting, exciting. And then create new memories, experiences to share with each other.

To my future Prince: I hope you take it really slow but please assure me all the time that you love me. I will panic when you start asking about my plans, and meeting my parents. Please wait when I'm ready.

the signs

Dear Diary,

I think he's in love with me. Let me count the ways, darling:

1. He's too protective - doesn't want me to do a lot of things he deems risky
2. He asks about my schedule, and always says "see you" when hell, we're living in the same house.
3. wants me to meet his friends and vice-versa
4. wants to go to the country
5. plans my future and sometimes "our" future
6. keeps saying "we"
7. doesn't want to tell his age and wouldn't ask for mine - afraid it would burst the bubble or pose a threat/issue
8. compliments me almost daily
9. would talk to me for hours, and abandon his work/gym or anything he was planning to do
10. being a total gentleman - opens the doors, lets me in first, etc

I hope I'm mistaken, though. But all the signs I usually see in the opposite sex (my age most of the time) are present. I had to find a way, so I asked for everyone's birthday. I really wanted to know the birthdays so I wouldn't miss a special day. But I wanted him to know that I'm less than half his age. He's even older than my parents! He kept avoiding that fact.

It took only 2 weeks. 17 days tomorrow. Even the first week already had an effect. I only wanted a friend, a companion, a buddy - someone that will have my back if something happens to me in this foreign land. And I'd do the same for that person too. But I got more than I bargained for, I got a family and someone who treats me so well it scares me so.

Just one thing, though - we split the bills. no monetary indebtedness. haha.

2 weeks passed. 21 weeks to go. :)

my housemates

I'm renting a room on the third floor of the house of a Viet family, and an American is also renting a room on the second floor. He's really nice, friendly, and decent. He's well-educated and well-traveled. He's a good conversationalist, and I'm always at ease with him - no tensions, no pretensions, no anything at all. It's a good sign; it means I'm happier and more relaxed these days. And we spend hours talking during mealtimes - breakfast/brunch, lunch, dinner. I have yet to know if he's smart and witty enough to handle things he hasn't encountered yet. But with his age, it's hard to find anything he hasn't dealt with before. But sometimes yeah, I'm more adventurous on some things. He absolutely forbids me to take the xeom. And I get some things done more easily and faster. I got the brains, he's got the experience (& brains too i guess). Haha. It gives me some security though, that as we get closer and are friends now (can't avoid since we see each other almost everyday)- that someone will be there for me if anything happens, that he's got my back, and he knows everything that will make it easier for me. And that he will do everything to help me, if I ever get into trouble. Although i think he's a tad too protective, and really cautious.

I think he's a bit older than my parents too. So I'm less than half his age. Haha. It's quite amusing, meeting people and making friends from different backgrounds and different age groups. And although locals probably think negatively of a young Asian woman walking around with a much older Caucasian man, i honestly don't care. It's fun hanging around with him, and I'm learning a lot. I really think he cares for me, but he won't tell me his age. Haha.

turn-ons

so what do I like in a guy?

1. Smart, conversationalist, sociable: good talker, not boring, has some decent sense of humor.
2. Ma-diskarte: a characteristic that will assure me that we will be able to handle everything that comes our way.
3. Passion and ambition: to succeed in life (no lies & crimes, please)
4. Neat, clean, presentable: decent looks and hygiene
5. Really loves me.