friends?

Everything was so much more intense this week. 3 consecutive days. I was trying hard to control the situation. I felt, most of the time, distant.

I just wanted friendship - why is it always so hard with them?

I remember random things we talked about:

1. marriage - usual topic. i insisted time and again, that i'll get married after 10 years, at least. and he said maybe 20. he was actually wanting me to say "no" and that i want to get married and not want to be an old maid. but i said the opposite - i said yes. and that it's alright if i never marry. then he said then travel around and do everything that you (i) want? and i replied, and you did those right? he had to agree that he had a fun and exciting life. he couldn't admit that it was boring or that he wants some stability now.

2. children - we heard a baby crying and he said that's why he never wanted one. and added later, that that's why i never wanted to get married. and i agreed - just to shut him up. not in a bad way, but just to avoid any more questions of the matter.

Thursday lunch time:
We were all having fun as he was giving us some palm reading. Mine was pretty different from theirs - soft, pinkish, thin, and distinguished lines. He said I'm an old soul because the lines are clearly drawn. My left shows my potential, he said. While the right palm shows my actual status/situation now. Everything's great, like my future's made up already. But there was one area he was really driving at - my romantic life. That I'm passionate by nature, but I'm not fulfilling it. That if I manage to fix it, everything else will follow. That if I just take chances, I'd do the right thing. Take chances? of what? And he said, see, if i would just open myself to opportunities. or in what i can remember, he means if i just consider some things as opportunities and not categorize them as "cannot be".

What a pickup line. or lines, I should say. Repeated again when I went to his bedroom to ask for something. I wasn't flirting. I was being friendly.

Friday:
We went to a museum, had lunch, another museum, grocery, then home. like a date. i was eating chocolates. He mentioned chocolates produce better effects than kissing. then he bought a lot of chocolates on the way home. he ate everything. *he was trying to substitute chocolates for kissing?*

then we planned for the next day.

Saturday:
i went to a museum. he texted me for dinner, called several times. we went to a mall, grocery, then coffee, then we had a nice dinner at the buffet. great. best meal i've had. but dull conversations. i avoided saying too much to him that day. i mentioned the boys though. i was even feeling a bit sick and tired. I knew i was acting kinda distant. then we went to the night market, and the jazz club. we realized then that we were different. I wanted to go somewhere he doesn't want to, dance and party all night. we went home after the bar thing, and then he got some beers and immediately went to his room. he left me in the kitchen? i was getting some tea, for goodness' sake. he knew i wanted to chat for a while.

was this day like a second date?

Consolation:
Good thing we split the bills. I never have to carry the guilt feeling.

Sunday and Monday: we didn't see each other. Which is great. Space is what we need.

I just wanted friendship. Why is it so hard with these people? Men, whom I'm usually stuck with.