Way Home

slept during the bus ride so i wasn't able to see the damage in Albay by typhoon durian/reming.

tabaco & catanduanes though both looked BROWN & GREY. So much for typhoon damage. gloomy weather.

Home & San Roque not damaged; just the landscaping a bit. Sea Breeze yeah.

i love block A.

" i love block A."

i will really miss them. i've never been so attached in my whole life. i never thought that i will ever be. i never thought i'd be capable of being this happy, of loving & caring for these people.

these people changed my life. even if everything seems so down, i still feel happy because of them.

i learned to enjoy life.

Block Party

dec 12, tue - got ready for the block party after class. at a little past 7pm - met at BA steps. with blockmates. Commute to PEts' place at Tandang Sora. whew! 8-9pm. jeep to Philcoa, and it was weird at philcoa - people all over the streets, and no taxi. so tricycle to McDo somwer then taxi to Pets' Place. Lots of food - pizzas from Pizza Hut, pasta from Avenetto, cake rolls from goldilocks, & drinks. So many food, and we enjoyed a lot.

Exchange gifts- fun! =) amusing.

then at 10:30pm-Sir Manuel arrived with Jed. Hehe. then we played charades tila round 1 am. Then Sir went back home. So we had an open forum while we were at the garden (back lawn of Pets' house) til around 5 am.

loved the party. just didn't like the large butterflies. i love Block A. Sharlene gave us all gifts (keychains) with personalized messages. i love my new slippers from marj. kat gave me a gift too. grabe. sooo Sweeeeettttttt!

then 6-7 am -slept a little. i was teasing jed about his new crush/girl. hehe. others were sleeping, and the others were playing cards. =)

then out by 7am. commute again to UP -tricycle, jeep, jeep. whew. too tired. then just changed clothes, then slept 9-2 pm. then to BA at 3:30 pm til 9pm for BA 186. then so tired. didn't do accounting.

Party Mode! =)

Awitan.

dec.11, mon- last PI class dis year, no law class. =) 7.30pm at UP theatre with Kat, supposed to watch the Awitan to start at 7pm. But there was no electricity and so it was moved to 9pm. Kat & I went to SM north instead; bought some gifts. Then to UP Theatre at 10:30 to 12midnight. Had ate reign (room mate) fix my special late permit. Arrived when the MSS org before IE club was performing.

IE club (ate rox, a room mate) performed too. Karolyn, Pie, Rhett, & Pets were there for JPIA. THey were really good. Great performance! The common song was Fruitcake by eraserheads. IE club sang "Tindahan ni Aling Nena", while JPIA sang "Manila, Manila". Good choreography.

Rushed back to dorm after JPIA's performance. They were the last performer anyway. it was nearly 12mn already. I was with Kat during the whole awitan; i went back to the dorm with Ate rei (dorm mate, also a JPIAn). arrived at exactly 12mn.

results:

JPIA-3rd
IE- 2nd
CIEM- 1st. I don't think they were that good compared to the other two though - performance, songs, choreography, vocal quality.

normal.karma. normal karma.

Love doesn't see the pain.
But hurt is so strong.
Will you be there for me?
Love is distorted as I see it.
When can I feel loved?
Loneliness is becoming a part of me.
They see me as happy;
Glad that they do.

-------------------------------------------------

Love is distorted as I see it.
When can I feel loved?
Loneliness is becoming a part of me.
They see me as happy:
Glad that they don't see the pain.
But hurt is so strong.
Will you be here for me?

culminating night

dec.8, fri- immaculate concepcion. We're supposed to have no class today. but ma'am acuna of 151 decided that we should have one no matter what happens. & so we did. actually, the group met at 10.30am for 186. i wanted to finish that darn thing. it's quite difficult pa nmn. we had consultation with sir after 151 class. then decided to revise it afterwards. had dinner at BA. then went to mass at 7-8.30pm. went back to dorm to fix myself, then back to BA rooftop for culmi nyt. block A supporting Pie, rhett, pets, saerom, & adrian. great performance. rhett practiced them the night before til 3 am. whoa. grabeh.

went back to dorm at 11pm with karolyn. =)

dec.9, sat- kat & I met at 12nn-2pm for 186. finished that darned thing. was so complicated, but we able to fix it up. it's better that only the two of us meet up rather than the whole group. it'll be so complicated then.

3-5pm- at cubao! got so lost! i was supposed to go to the bus terminal to get my ticket to catanduanes on 16th. but my gosh. i entered different malls, and i was so confused. then i also bought my plane ticket back to manila for jan 3rd. agh. i got lost, i entered smelly places, and i rode the MRT.

i was on my way to cubao when karolyn texted that rhett's got a concert at glorietta. actually, a free choir performance at g4/oakwood. met up with pie & rose ann & kat. 6-7pm. nice. i love the OPMs.

toured glorietta.went to greenbelt.seattles til 11.30pm. rose-ann's birthday the next day.then kat & i back to UP. it was awkward back there. reached dorm at exactly 12mn. wasn't late for curfew! haha.

-so bothered. i hate this guilty, anxious, hurt feeling.-

varied.

dec 5, tue- it's karolyn's 19th birthday. got no classes. cancelled. SR convolcation 1-4pm. our class is at that exact schedule. great. hehe.

6pm- went to church. after mass, talked to Father Jboy. Learned he was from Catanduanes too. We talked in Bicol. He was asking for help/donations for the people there. 90% property damage.

8 pm- got allergies. it started itching yesterday afternoon. i didn't mind it then. it was tolerable. then at after i went to church, i saw some red spots all over my body. texted papa, then went to ER at infirmary.

they gave me an injection and a tablet. i slept from 8.30 to 10 pm. Papa, marlon, and uncle evan arrived. the doctor gave me medicines for five days.

then back to dorm. slept. was so tired.

dec. 6, wed- morning i saw offline messages from rhett. -bacbacan- haha. later on he was performing with nica for Mr.& Ms. Bacbacan. good performance! =) (kaya pla "see u in bacbacan")

bacbacan til 4pm. movie afterwards.sir called.

dec. 7, th- no class in accounting & law. made a multiply site for block: http://bestblocka.multiply.com. password: *******. i informed some of my blockmates about it. everyone can access it, and customize.

went to mass afterwards & attended an immaculate concepcion lecture at the dorm lobby.

BACBACAN 2.

Wednesday - @ DAR gym, we were having our sportsfest. Bacbacan 2 is all about competition with other BA-based organizations. We had fun watching Mr& Ms Bacbacan. Rhett & Nica were representing JMA, but since we were blockmates, we support them! haha. JPIANs may actually hate us for that. But we kept on cheering for JPIA (Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants) too.

Then basketball games..it was ok. our team was losing last time i checked.

At 4 pm- we were bored already so we went to SM north. actually we walked to philcoa then someone suggested we watch a movie, so we went to SM. haha. watched "a good year" of russell crowe. it was ok. i wasn't affected in any way. it's just wala lang. Not pretty good if it has no effect. Quite a love story anyway. There were JPIANs too. What a coincidence! Stan's group was also there.

Then at 7:30 at UP already. Someone called. I have to make a plan. Fast. I think it is for the good of everybody so I lied. If I made the wrong decision, and everybody puts the blame on me, I think I have the comfort of knowing that I did it not because I wanted it. I did it not for me. I lied because I think everybody would benefit from it.

That makes me quite a hero, don't you think?

>But such thought made me feel worse than a liar...<

The thought of sacrificing one's self for the good of everybody; like a martyr if you may say so.., it has to be done voluntarily, freely, for the love of others, for the love of God and fellowmen,... and not for the love or thought of one's self that in the end you will be praised by your fellowmen.

CRABS for SALE

HI,

If you're interested in buying crabs
from 500grms to 1 kg each, you can
contact me at:

09177374309 - nikki
09154473909 - sammy

they are in bicol. no problem in
transportation to metro manila or other nearby areas of metro manila or catanduanes.

just order. thanks.

alumni homecoming.

9 am- at BA with Kat. assisted in registration of the guests.

helped in seating arrangements, photography, and other small details such as holding the mic for the JPIA choir.

done at 2.30 pm. at dorm before 3 pm. got some roses from the flower arrangemnts at the tables. had lunch there too. food's ok. got dessert from the guests. hehe. nice.

enjoyed it. met lots of people. oldies, profs, etc.

- Papa drove me to UP 7-7.30 am. heard news from radio: 6 people died, some injured, some missing. from a small boat that was at the sea during the typhoon. stupid people. the details were sent be gov. verceles. there was no other news. that was all. still frustrating.-

typhoon

nov 30, thursday-no classes. actually, it was announced the day before that classes were cancelled due to typhoon. i also learned yesterday na signal #4 na sa amin (virac, catanduanes). i hate it. centro n nmn kami.

mama called up 7.30 am thru the dorm's landline phone. there was no more signal in virac. she couldn't contact me na. she told me to go to san juan because it's going to be a very strong typhoon. it'l be difficult if i get stuck in this dorm. i was opposing it actually. i have to bring a lot of things. she told me to go to san juan quickly before it starts to rain. the typhoon (reming/durian)was already starting to get heavy -rains, winds, etc. the path was supposed to include metro manila. so she was worried too. but i was worried more. my god, my dad is here. so who were left? my mom and four younger sisters. great.

i reached san juan by 9 am, taxi. i read 151, some law, 142, did some 186. actually, i think i was pretty productive that day. i did a lot of things.

dec 1, fri- holiday.

i was supposed to go out with my HS classmates today (miriam, jane, etc) but got cancelled due to bad weather. it wasn't raining, but the sky was gray and gloomy. i watched TV whole day waiting for news. NONE for catanduanes!!!! i hate it! all they said yesterday was that it's signal #4! but nothing nothing now! i hate the Tv stations! everything's down there - electricity, water, communication lines, cell sites, net, radio, everything!!
there is absolutely no contact!

i tried to read something but it was no use. i was worried, and that was it.

good thing there are also some people equally frustrated as i am.

dec. 2, sat- i just finished reading a chapter during the morning, and i did nothing else but watch TV the rest of the day. there is still no news! my gosh~! i was reading newspapers everyday, the TV was on the whole day, i kept on dialling the phone for every few hours, i tried calling them on their cellphones evry few hours, and i'm on the net regularly to check for updates.

this is really frustrating. there is no single news on TV whatever happened to catanduanes. they kept on mentioning albay. thing is,they already know what's happening and what happened there! same thing being repeated! same news, same videos. damnit, they were feasting on the same news the whole darn day, since yesterday pa.

couldn't the government at least send a chopper or a plane there? no volunteers or relief goods (because they'll bring news if ever)? my god.

i just want to know, are they still ok? are they gonna be ok? darn TV stations. darn gov't. u two covered everything, every place the typhoon hit,..all except our province.

my dad said about 6 people died. he said from the radio. that was all.

adidas.

nov.28, tue- i went to galleria because of the adidas check i have to get. from 4.15 to 5.30 to galleria, then waited until about 7. the office was in the 38th floor, equitable tower. i got messed up in the elevators. hehe. there were floor arrangements pla. certain elevators on a particular range of floors.

i went back to UP after getting the check. did some 186.

nov 29, wed- @ BA for the TFI (tuition fee increase) lecture by the student regeant. honestly, his arguments aren't that good. there was a lot of loopholes, and illogical or irrational arguments, whatever he is trying to point out.

12 noon- Avenettos at Visayas Ave. for lunch with groupmates (Carlo, Ash, Kat, Karolyn,Rhoma, Wow, Mayeen),Pie, Nina, Rhett. Nina & Rhett got cars so there we went. Food's great! ok ambiance, similar to TOSH. we ordered two large pizzas (bacon cheeseburger & new york), 4 pastas (2 red & 2 white). haha. we didn't finish them, so take-out. then to BA. group meeting for 186. gosh, discussion.

then gave some pizzas to ate guard, sir manuel.

6 pm- Sir called up. He talked about a lot of things. He said he's a little annoyed that his birthday landed on sunday, same day for the alumni homecoming event he was organizing. oh well.

live it up.

so tired. i woke up at 5 am because someone texted me, and there was a continuous ringing of a celfone from somewhere. whew.

i got so sleepy in the afternoon, and so irritable.control.

i went to galleria, but i was so tired already that i didn't have enough energy to be angry, except for certain txts and IMs a while ago. i made a lot of mistakes but fine, i don't care. i just want everything to be over with.

-i thought he cared for me.. i thought he liked me...stupid illusions..i must be dreaming to expect something from him. -

must forget. must forget.must still live.

dizzy

surprise surprise.

i feel better already. i still get a little dizzy sometimes.

stil figuring out how to fix the van. oh my gosh.

red, pula, red red, pula pula, GO ReD! redelicious. ravishing, exciting, dangerous Red Team!

PANA

yeehah! UP won at PANA (Advertising Association)..it's actually a marketing competition for Philippines.

we attended (kat, ash,wow, wow's bf/falk & me) the seminar. we entered and loren legarda was already having her speech. she's quite a beauty. hehe. symmetric, flawless features.

great speeches. + a CEO + managing director...nice nice nice.

the contest started at 2pm. wow & falk left at noon. there were 7 contestants/schools (UP Visayas, FEU, UP Diliman, La Salle Dasmarinas, Assumption, Ateneo, Holy Spirit Manila).

UP CBA students were about 1/3 of the audience. haha! great cheering guys! ~wheeeee~!

enjoyed it though i loved the stratmark entry of UP better than this one. and the presentation this time wasn't really outstanding relative to the others. i must admit, some were at par with UP. i don't know what made them win, but maybe their proposal appealed to the judges.=) they know better though.

after that, kat & i went to katips, ate some dinner, then starbucks for l'oreal. that e-strat is so complex. gosh, can't understand anything. oh well, we just entered some data and submitted it. hehe. wishing for luck. wishing for blessing. oh please let us make it to the second round. we'll try study how it works.later.not much time now.=P

so tired.so much to do.off to sleep!=)

My Preschool

I made this poem for my youngest sister, Laurice, who is a contestant for a Poem competition (Division Level) on December 22, 2006.

The theme was: "Preschool education: Start right, grow smart."

My Preschool

I entered school when I was two;
It was because I wanted to go with my sister too.

It wasn’t easy because I was so small;
But I proved them wrong, I beat them all.

At first I was frightened; I was all alone;
But then, I saw little children like me looking so forlorn.

I smiled, and I made friends,
We sat together like we were best friends.

Then our teacher came,
And we were surprised she doesn’t have a cane.

We thought she’s old and ugly and mean;
But it turned out she’s young and pretty and sweet.

At first, we played and played,
And good health to God we prayed.

My teacher proceeded to say,
That there are some things we should obey.

[That there are some rules for you and me,
You’ll see how important they can be.

We should always be honest, kind, and fair,
Always be good, and willing to share.

These are rules that we all should know,
We follow these rules wherever we go.]

From our teacher we learned our ABCs, and how to read and write,
She also teaches us what is wrong and what is right.

She taught us that plant makes food from sunlight,
And she was so proud that we were so bright.

She taught us colors, and there are lots of them
And our favorite rainbow has seven of them!

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet;
I have to memorize them so I don’t forget.

She taught us how to draw and paint,
We also had fun making paper dolls and planes.

She taught us how to add and subtract numbers,
So that we can count our money ‘cause we’re not bummers.

She read us tales and stories;
And we were enchanted by the fairies!

We learned how to act prim and proper;
‘Cause we are little princes and princesses with honor.

[We raise our hands to speak;
We work quietly at our seats.

We use voices soft and sweet;
We keep our places tidy and neat.

We are helpful, friendly, and fair;
We take turns, and willingly share.]

In preschool, we learn and play;
We also think and pray.

We learn how to love and care;
To follow our dreams, we also dare.

Being good is what we learn in school
And we grow up smart in our preschool.


Time duration: approx. 2 minutes.

* Those in brackets are the lines I copied somewhere in the Internet which I couldn’t find now. Please tell me if you happened to know the sources so I can appropriately acknowledge them. The rest are original.

self-mutilation

terrible day.

i hate it.

i drank that stupid coffee. i feel bad. i feel so anxious everytime. i don't like this. i hate it!

can anyone please tell what to do? what to take so i can stop feeling like this? please!

- had fun with ash, rhett (py-rhetts..haha), kat, karolyn & rhoma at isawan. - whatever.

-terrible. i feel bad. i want to hurt myself physically so i can stop feeling the hurt inside. wat do they call it? self-mutilation? psychological problem. but i feel that way. i hate it. wish it will stop. please make me forget it.

- i can't sleep this way.-

carlo had problem with that taxi driver. met his family agen.

- wish i could sleep! forget everything. start over new. -

this is the worst feeling ever - the guilty embarrassed anxious feeling.-

back to school.

wish i could go back home.

fone..

i lost my mobile phone/cellphone just a few hours ago. stolen. oh well, i think the market value of that one will barely reach a thousand pesos. haha. it was already a very old model of Nokia, and has depreciated so much, with lots of cracks on it, and it wasn't functioning well lately. turns off automatically, and has other symptoms of giving up soon. at least it was the only fone lost in the house. the cheapest one.

but it was my fone for exactly 2 years already; longest one.

no use in getting a new fone since i don't have a list of my contacts. nice.

-i hate it here. terrible place.-

home..

*hot shower beats the nagging, yes; but how long is it gonna be?*

is this the trade-off i have to pay? i got my food (of course a lot better than i have at school), my net, TV, etc. in exchange for the nagging? can't i just rest for a while and then i'l get back on my feet after. but if i don't get my proper rest early on, the need for it will drag over the days. now this is bad, becasue i'l be feeling tired & gloomy for a lot many days.

my gosh, i'm so tired of everything, just plain exhausted of last sem, when i was running and cramming the whole time. though i can say, i sleep 8 hours about 80% of the days, the brain work is still pretty draining.

i want to recharge myself to face a whole new set of challenges next sem. but the moment i try to, there will be always someone, something who is very enthusiastic in keeping me on my feet. and there's the nagging thing. it's a totally bad habit women can't seem to get rid of. and some actually, managed to increase their levels, instead of reducing it.

why can't i just sleep wen i want to? i just want to rest. please.

laurice & hersheys

laurice, in her sisters' bedroom.

-advertising for hersheys? haha.

before going home...

by saturday, i was home in san juan. i got my rebooked plane ticket in the afternoon. then i was just wandering at gateway. there's nothing to do; and nothing i wanted to do. i went to the bookstores - browsed the books; read some; bought nothing. i texted everybody; everybody was texting me by the way. My parents, friends, profs, were all calling up. feel so sorry for my fone.

by sunday, i was supposed to meet a friend to borrow some books. But since he cancelled it off at the last minute, i decided to go to the nearest mall and wander around (again). just got some few things to buy i could finish up in less than 20 mins. but i was there for hours before someone i know saw me. haha! we watched a movie - "the departed". great movie. though it lasted more than 2 hours long, we were glued to our seats, and watched with excitement, fascination, & thrill of it.

glad we watched that one. we both haven't been to the movies for months. haha. busy with school stuff. at last, i'm starting to rest & relax my super tired mind. gotta recharge both my body & brain for next sem'd challenges (which i'm sure is a lot).

at least, before i go home, i have starte dto unwind myself, & free myself from worries, anxieties about my grades. gotta let them be. can't change them. just have to pray for them.

happy SemBreak! haPpY VaCatIon! =)

will go to the beach. must go.

hmm...now where's my new swimsuit?

accounting.

hmm, let's see. we had our finals last thursday (19th), and it was from 8.30-12nn. i studied the whole two days before that, and i was confident i'd at least pass that exam. i'm not so sure about my 3rd exam though.

anyway, after the final exam, sir told us we are supposed to pass our exercise folder (i.e. homeworks for the whole sem!). But i hardly even do them, and there are several chapters of them. the problems assigned looks like a matrix. gosh, there were so many of them. then i tried to call up sir & he didn;t answer. But he returned my call. He said he had no other basis for the other 5% for our grades which is supposed to be class participation. So there. I started doing it that night; finished till 1 am. woke up early the next day, and finished the whole thing by lunch time. passed it by mid-afternoon. though it's still due on monday; i couldn't rest until i've done the whole thing.

my flight home should have been 20th morning; but since i don't think i could make it due to my other project in 182, my mom cancelled it off a day before. then had my cousin buy me a bus ticket that same day that would leave late in the afternoon. that is supposed to give me some extra time; but as fate would have it, the additional homework thing added to my requirements list, and so i have to have additional time. so again, bus ticket cancelled.

today i went to san juan with the rest of my things. the driver picked up most of my stuff yesterday. i went to cubao to get my plane ticket for monday; then off to gateway! did nothing; just ate lunch then to national bookstore browsing some books. i bought nothing. haha. i'm broke. i'm just there to pass away the time, and to relax my mind.

as i was in the LRT to V.mapa (i'm off to another mall), sir called. & he brought me some happy news. for that sir, i'm willing to look for that dry oil mist in Body Shop that you want. haha.

luv yah sir! i hope to see ya next sem!

wenk.

-this was kuya lawrence's status last night.

*wenk*

accounting 3rd exam..

-was so tired. 1.30-5.30pm. whoa. diet. just drank some water the whole time.

i realized i'm losing a lot of stuff:

1. my favorite black cardigan
2. about 3 or 4 skirts! [damn, who borrowed them?]
3. my new pair of swimsuit [it's a 2-pc!]
4. money/cash

please return them, whoever borrowed them or seen them. please please! thanks!

comm3

october 13 - friday 10-12nn: comm3 final group presentation.

the groups had the liberty to choose whatever it wishes to perform, & our group chose to do a magic show. =) although it was so much a hassle, and we have to prepare a lot, it was still a lot easier than the others who have to memorize some lines, practice the plot, etc. while we just have to dance and do the magic tricks. haha. it was so spontaneously done. & i think the audience was entertained too.

sir videotaped the presentations. he interviewed us one by one at the start (he was recording them), then the presentations. he was also doing it even after. he prepared a letter, & read it aloud. it was so much fun. it's apparent that he's gonna miss us, & yeah, we're going to miss him too. he gave us chocolates in then end (kisses!), and since i was the one nearest to him, i was the first one given. haha.

then he hugged & kissed us..aww. gonna miss you sir, even though you were so demanding the whole semester. i sacrificed a lot for your subject.

& you're gonna watch our videos the whole sembreak. i know you're gonna miss us. & yeah, you probably know we're gonna miss you too.

oh well, that's how it goes. i'l miss you sir archie! =)

-p.s. i still have that chocolate you passed around. i'm having a hard time trying to decide whether to eat it or not. if there's something i forgot to tell you while you were interviewing me, it was the fact that i'm gonna miss the class, & that includes you. haha.-

law exam..

yesterday, i had my speech for comm3 which i crammed the day before. Tuesday, i also had an exam from 10-1 pm. i did my speech plan after; practiced it the next morning. so wed- had my speech which Sir had nothing to say but negative comments. agh. i think it was ok though, if not for my super-talkative classmate who was talking the whole time i was doing my speech. He was doing it the whole period. haay.

then wed pm- we practiced for our presentation on fri am. my god, i was so tired i slept early without even reading my law book.

so i just started studying this morning. haay. slept a lot in between. my mom told me to study well. sorry ma.

had the law final exam 6-8 pm today. i missed a lot of details of course. bad. it had ennumeration, what do you expect? i hate that exam. i finished earlier than the time limit; waited for others. then about 20 of us decided that we'll have a block dinner. haha. philcoa. then! no space at the fastfood restos we want, so we went to where there's enough space for us - Kungfood! haha. honestly, the food wasn't good. the green tea was terrible. haha. but the company's great. i love my blockmates.

hey nina! how many heads does a guy have again? haha! 2 or 3? one real head.., & the others please? where where?

the guys were laughing! as bryan put it: nina! a guy has 1 head & 2 eggs! so total: 2 heads! haha.
my god. you're killing me.us.haha.

other interesting things that happened today:

-pets scared the hell out of me when he touched both my ankles behind my back. stupid. i was so surprised. i was cramming for the exam.
-jed surprised me when we were at the philcoa, jollibee waiting for them. haay!
-another guy was attempting to do the same. whoa guys. i'l be getting a heart attack if you don't
stop.haha.
-ash got my celfone while we were at the resto. wow. so fast. then went to the inbox & showed it to the rest. he opened jake's forwarded msg.haha. there's nothing interesting to show there.hahaha.
-gil unlocked my fone too. my gosh. what's with these people? haha.

--wanna go home & rest--

tissue.

i was sick since thursday last week. i still have a runny nose, and is coughing at times. i got a roll of bathroom tissue on my hand while i was walking back to the dorm, when suddenly:

Guy in corporate attire : Miss, Miss, puede humingi ng tissue?

[translation: Miss, may i have some tissue please?]

He was standing near the econ bldg, & he's quite good-looking.

haha. funny guy. though i gave him some.

horoscope.

Pisces- If you are in the midst of trying to explain something to someone -- you should stop. Right now, trying to help someone else to understand exactly what you need to accomplish is not going to be easy. The world outside of your head is moving to its own rhythms, and they are not currently in sync with yours. So stop knocking on someone else's door trying to get in. Go wherever you feel most comfortable, and let yourself ignore the rest of the world.

http://www.excite.com/

i find horoscopes from this site really good. nice work. and applicable to me. wow. i appreciate the advices. thanks.

starbucks.

sept 29- went to starbucks agen, but didn't accomplish anything. was more productive yesterday. went back to dorm at 7 pm. got electricity by 6 pm, my roommate said.

it was nice. back to normal.back to work.

slept at 9pm to 9 am the next day. haha.

typhoon.

sept.28, thursday - my accounting professor actually texted me yesterday that there will be no class today, as announced by the chancellor. so, i forwarded the message to all my classmates, friends, & other profs that are on my phone list.

it was because of the typhoon, which started today. black-out by 11 am til the next day. heavy rain & strong winds; the big old tree in front of our room broke down. our pretty garden was trashed.

& so i decided i'll just go to san juan and see if there's electricity there. need to study. my time's wasted doing nothing. ahh. but bad luck was following me around that day. i rode on a taxi, with a darn stupid driver. oh my god. i asked him to drive me to a nearest starbucks or mcDo with electricity, not generator powered. i have to charge my phone & have to study too. he talks to me rudely, and he was so nasty. i hate it. it was so insulting. we went to cubao first and i didn't like the mcDo there because there was a lot of people. and i don't think they have an outlet for customers. so there, i told him to drive me to timog. but no! he told me that mcDo's there & i have to get out. i offered to pay him additional so i could go to timog. agh. i hate to do it but i had no choice. there was no LRT and there were a lot of people waiting for taxis. whew.

we went to timog, then tomas morato. he wanted to drop me off at the first restaurant he saw. i hate him. i just can't go to any resto. so i said i'll leave on the nearest starbucks. & know what he told me? that he thinks i've got a loose screw on my head. my gosh! i'm a student wanting to study, and doing my duties as a proper student. oh my golly. i hate it. i have to contact some people so i need my fone. & he sees me as that?!

haay. whew. i think he's the one who's a little demented. maybe that's why our country isn't progressing. a lot of stupid people. stupid.stupid.stupid. even common sense isn't so common afterall.

stayed at starbucks from 7-4am. good thing though the people there were nice. saw yul servo, the actor. good-looking person.=)

had a lot of disagreements with people today. omg. maybe i'm just a little cranky; but hey, the taxi incident topped the whole thing off. with no electricity, no internet, no atm, no money, no LRT, & my god, no taxis.

so many inefficiencies.so much money, time, effort wasted. i hate this. i feel guilty.

agh. whew. *sigh*

well, actually, i wished for a typhoon so classes will be cancelled. i actually said the day before that there will be a typhoon today and there will be no classes. i never thought it would come true, though i was hoping. but i never wished it to damage the country this much. i'm sorry.

atlantic city.

May 2006 - Atlantic City, NJ

Although I've been here just for a few hours, I fell in love with the boardwalk of this City. It was so cold, and some of the stores were closed. There were only a few people aside from us, and it rained a little afterwards. It may seem gloomy to some, but it was one of the happiest days of my life.

I don't know why. Maybe it was with the people I am with. But I've been with them for two months on different places living with other people. So it's not exactly the reason. I gave up trying to figure out why.

But I will always remember this place with fondness, just like Chicago.

church.

Love is patient;
love is kind;
love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
-(NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Father said we should be patient not just with circumstances, but with people. I remembered I just lost my patience with this guy last night. I offended him, and i'm sorry.

I nearly cried when I saw this little girl running happily towards her sister outside the church. they were sitting on the floor against the wall. they were selling something or begging.

Father said that he met many people in UP who are intellectuals, intelligent people with substance. But without love, they are worthless.

Loneliness is such a terrible thing. But I try to be happy in whatever situation I am in.

& for you darling, yes, I'll try to be patient.

home.

it's fixed. my mom already bought my plane tickets. My flight's on friday morning, and will be back by monday.

I still have a paper due tomorrow; an exam by wed; a monologue to recite, a play to watch, and an oral recitation on law by thursday..and i'm on a short vacation starting friday...can't wait...=)

i'll bake some cakes for my friends here..i miss doing them..

& i miss him too.

mixed

this is the day when i felt like a month has passed by..& by that i don't mean just any ordinary month..

8 am- @ adidas, vinzons - i was with this JPIA applicant & we were both manning the entrance booth, when my mom called. She was crying. Her father just died. It was her birthday yesterday. She was planning to celebrate it when she comes home. Her flight was today, so she just arrived there in the morning. & her father died that morning too. Probably from stoke, they said. My grandma was staying at our house while mom was away. She came back to their house early in the morning, and they couldn't wake him up. He was dead.

I refer to him as my mom's dad, not as my grandfather. we weren't that close. we've talked, and we were always at their house when we were kids; but that's all. we see him, & that's it. nothing more. a person can say that i've been too unfeeling, so unemotional. but that's him too. in any case, my mom was crying till the afternoon, & she wants me to go back home next week. it was ok on my sched. But my dad & grandmother decided against it. my mom is still trying to decide about my flight home. her father's dead; there's nothing more i can do. i can't bring myself to cry, to mourn, to do something that would show my grief. nothing..

i told jake about it. he also went here from the states when his grandparent died last summer. he keeps asking if i'm ok. & i am. no need to worry.

11:30 am- my professor in 101 gave the results of our midterm exam, and i got a hundred, a perfect score. in our group of six, 2 of us got a prfect score, one 99, one 98, one 96, & the other unknown. four of us got a 1.00, that's over the nine people who got a 1.00 in the whole class.

that subject is ok for us. we gt nice papers, got good grades in quizzes, & delivered a good report presentation. i'm a little behind right now, but i'l try to catch up with it later on.

2.30 pm- class pic with sir. last day of 141. gil's birthday.

5 pm- someone from jake's school (he ws in a PE uniform), came over to the adidas sale. was surprised. but happy that he really tried to inform people & help me with my project.

6pm- he called 30 minutes earlier saying he was already in UP & was looking for the adidas sale. then i went to BA to check some stuff. Then a few minutes after i came back, he went out the room. i really appreciated the effort though he wasn't able to find what he wanted really. thanks.

7 pm- the adidas staff said that the sales for the day is ok though still not enough to cover the low sales the past few days.

7.15 pm - i asked my prof in 182 if i passed the midterm exam. he said mine's on the 80+. so it's ok. great. i thought i'm going to fail that course.

i read the university paper and the article titled "keys me" was really intriguing. a critique directed to most young people. i want to meet the author. i've got lots to ask.

--i'm too tired to think of anything else right now. i haven't studied yet for my exam in accounting for next week. i wish i could rest for a week.--

McDo

7:46 pm: dinner. brownout for a split second & several people shrieked. so funny. why can't they just shut up? Is it already instinctive or reflexive of them to panic with a simple event like that?

i hate it when people disturb me with senseless reasons. do i have to be involved in such a stupid situation when i don't even care for the whole damn thing? i mean, do a person have to tell me all his/her problems (even the petty ones my gosh) and would ask for my help? even the petty ones, believe me. it's so irritating & frustrating to hear those darn pleas for help. like: can i borrow this because of this,,that,.that..because you know i have no time to do this, or i have no money/financial resources to afford this or that...the hell i don't even care. you can even spend on some things that i don't even think of spending. my god. and you have the time, hah. you've got to do things i don't even have time of doing. & i've been in your place/position, wen i didn’t have those things before. believe me, i survived. other people also do. i own these things, i spend for these things, and you'll use them for free? omg. then i shouldn't have bought them and could have just borrowed from other people if it's all the same for you.

such parasites.

*sigh* it irritates me so. gives me such a headache.. whew… how could i stop this temper & learn to relax & tolerate other people? moreover, how could i discipline this kind of persons?

Anonymous II

hello darling.

this post is a tribute for you.

now that we're saying goodbyes, what i want you to know is that:

you're one of the greatest persons i've ever known. oh well, you might not know it, & you might think i don't know you well enough..but as far as i'v known you, you really are great.

you're smart, intelligent, witty, and a very sensible person. at first, i thought you're just one of those cute guys with no exceptional intelligence to match. now you know i find you cute (or you've known it before) haha. & nah, i didn't mean i thought you're dumb or anything..[kidding]..i just didn't think you really are something extraordinary.

i get surprised every time we chat; every time we talk about anything, there's always something special i'l discover about you, something different that makes me appreciate you more. you're different from the other people i've met; there's always some depth. maybe i haven't been with other people that much, but that's the reason why. i don't spend my time with them because it means wasting my time talking about unnecessary & uninteresting things.

i don't know if you find chatting with me as wasting time; but i hope not..we've spent too much time just to regard it as nonsense, yes?

even though i've said that i wish we shouldn't have met the time we did, what i really meant was., maybe if we met at a later time, then we should have gotten along better... as better friends.

but i really appreciate everything you did for me (the positive ones!- attending my formal dinner, & chatting with me for hours..=)..

& also your pickup car..loved the color... you asked me about what i wanted, & u discussed the options with me. don't know if you did it with other people but it made me feel important.

thanks again.

ich vermisse dich.

[- that i won't forget.]

Anonymous

thanks. i really appreaciate it. i also want you to know that i'm really sorry for everything i'v done to you..i know i'v affected you negatively. it's been a result of teenage infatuation that i've only learned recently how to control.

thanks for the things you'v done for me. even though we didn't get along well, at least we tried to be civil & friendly with each other.

i really could learn patience from you. you never showed your temper... oh yeah, you sound irritated sometimes, but you could control it.

i mean you're a pretty nice person; great in fact. but even though i've learned lots of things from you, now i wish we shouldn't have met by the time we did. i wish i didn't get your number then. i wish we should have took our time. i wish i didn't meddle with what destiny had for us- if we're not supposed to meet & be friends, then fine. then I could have spent my time with other people, doing other things; instead of being miserable & aggressive.

now i know that people should be patient with destiny. wait for what fate has before us. we shouldn't be aggresive.

now i have to learn to be tolerant, to be patient, & to be thankful for eveything.

thanks darling.

octopus

problems are like an octopus. you pull the big head out.., & the tentacles follow along.., each with its own boulder carried with it.

i don't know what else i have to do in order to achieve or perform everything right. or to please everybody including myself. but by doing so I'm torturing myself.

have to find a way out. have solve it soon.

i have to do something to make my life better. more desirable. more desirable to me.

alice in the wonderland

excerpt:

"Who are you?" said the caterpillar

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied rather shyly, "I hardly know Sir, just at present - at least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then."

My temper. my emotions. so hard to control. my mood changes dramatically from one phase to another in a matter of seconds. it's hard for me to keep still. too much energy and feelings.got to have an outlet. got bored easily. have to find something to keep me entertained.

& i think it's already affecting the people around me.

It's rather difficult for me to work in a group. I hardly have any tolerance or patience for that matter, to communicate with and understand my groupmates. It's hard for me to adjust to their way of thinking. I'm not saying I'm always right, but I see things clearly and simpler than most of them. In the end, I end up more tired and confused than before. It irritates me so to wait for them to comprehend and understand the whole thing I'm saying, or the whole matter at hand. I have to learn to be patient, & to be tolerant of other people's behavior..

It also hurts me...that I had hurt them or had offended them...but I can't control it. The way i see it, if we have to efficient & effective, they have to do things MY way. so selfish. yes, i have to practice and develop teamwork and cooperation.

This is a lifelong activity- to be involved in groups or teams. i have to learn to adjust & coordinate with them.

hard time though.

the man who ate the 747

For anyone who's ever done something crazy for love

excerpts from the book by Ben Sherwood.

Facial symmetry means fewer genetic mutations. Of course, men also want women with waists 40 % smaller than their hips. The hourglass figure is biological proof of fertility and fitness. You see, beauty is about attraction, and attraction is about survival.

Love is all brain chemistry. You see a pretty girl and you get a blast of a neurotransmitter called dopamine. that;s why you feel excited. Same with happiness. It's just an electrical impulse from your left prefontral cortex. [sight stimulates release of dopamine? =)]

Love, or the sensation associated with it, comes down to three things: symmetry, scent, and sound. The way a person looks, the way they smell, the sound of their voice. That's what love is. That special feeling is just nature's way of telling you to mix your genes. As for true love, friendship, or even compatibility...[same thing].

"Loves me 65".. when i was three or four, my parents came to tuck me at night. i told them i loved them. dad asked "how much?" so i thought of the biggest number in the whole wide world and came up with 65. it was the highest i could count.

Oxytocin is a hormone that induces labor, starts lactation, attaches women to theur babies and to men they sleep with. Stimulates brain receptors that create emotions. Men have it too, though not as much as the women.

[but you know what, in the end, JJ Smith, the keeper of the records, ended up falling in love, and believing in love...

and that's what love is..accepting ur mistakes & livin ur lyf. =) ]

the self

Maybe the ordinary man or woman...doesn't behave like a single-minded individual because he or she isn't one..-Thomas Schelling

life oh life..

life is so short for drama & petty problems..
so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly &amp; forgive quickly;
life is too short to be anything but happy!

july 20, thursday- i drove the car and it hit the gate. what a mess. my parents still don't know. i hope they'll forgive me though. one of my savings account in a certain bank is in a twisted state. i really don't know what happened but there are some missing funds. oh well, as that saying goes: life is too short to be anything but happy.

oh well, life is too short to be anything to be happy.

shadows of the reef

july 13, thursday- i nver thought i'd be so scared watching a threatre play. the apparent display of emotion is so extreme that it make me feel so ashamed of the indifference of myself, emabarrassed of myself watching that play, and so shocked of their acting that they can pretend not to notice us, who are only a few meters away from the stage.

it scares me so.

family

my youngest sister, laurice

we desire desire.

it would seen childish to point out that we take satisfaction in showing that we can do something better than others. we take a great deal of pain to cover up such a situation; but actually we arevastly gratified.
-(Marleau-Ponty: 1962-1989:189)

and though some things matter to us on account of use value, they also equal matter because they are symbols of desire of the other. we desire desire.
- Nick Crossley

there is Human desire for recognition in which recognition comes only thru superiority, dominancy, and power.

the thing is, i think people have this trait or tendency to feel satisfied that you're greater than others, and the importance of some things for us not because we need them nor want them in the first place because of its supposed value, but because people want it. This is because it is a necessity for them to survive in a community, in a society; and vice-versa. it's a part of the natural process of surviving. if you show people you have something greater/better than them, they will feel the need or want for you to be included in their group. it is because of the expectations or the feeling that you have something they lack that will complement or help them at the present or in the future. it creates the feeling of need, or want, for that matter.

imagine if you're the other person or the society, and you've just met someone with something you don't have- either materially or personally as a talent or skill. what would you feel? of course there is an assumption that this person you've just met is quite humble and 'unaffected/unflattered' with his/her power. You will naturally feel the need or want to be with this person. he/she can contribute something to the community. this person can help you, or share with you whatever it is he/she has that you lack.

works both ways. ]

instant friendships/allegiances form because of the simultaneous attention of the 'extraordinary' charcteristc of each party.

great friendshps form because as time goes by, the more the persons involved realize the need/want of each other for each other.

it was said that no two persons can't stay as friends in a long time unless there's something repulsive with the other person, or perhaps simply just the thought of it. that something can be anything from culture, environment, society, religion, moral values, ethics, priciples, to physical aspects and the overall personality of a person.

watched movie with friend jane.tokyo drift, fast & the furious. better than superman.

random events

"Ramdom events happen to everyone and there's nothing that can be done to predict them."
- qtd from somewhere. author's probably Anonymous

july 1- watched superman with jpia fin committee. enough criticisms for the plot. got lots of loopholes in the story which makes it such an illogical movie. but anyway, you don't watch superman movies for the sake of learning something eh?..you watch it for fun, for entertainment.

others enjoyed. i did not. probably because of the persons i was with. i don't regret having them beside me. i enjoyed analyzing the details. the only thing i regretted was the time i spent not being simply happy. sometimes trying to be smart or intelligent or wise is not smart nor intelligent nor wise at all. you lose the time darling. so what if we analyzed the whole darn thing? i could have relaxed. i could have pretended those flaws didn't exist. it wouldn't affect me anyway.

just relax. be happy.

superman.kryptonite.i gotta live.we gotta live.

cherry blossoms

" Oh dear! (^*^) But that's the only way to live. Romantic love is like the cherry blossoms. Their fleeting beauty must be enjoyed while it lasts. But i hope it brought you a lot of joy before it ended. That's what matters most, and that he got it from you, too."
-from my advanced chem teacher, the lovely Ms. Caluban

july 1- Yes, i suppose. the process of feeling simultaneously happy and hurt, happend to me that night. the relationship i had with him, which was simple friendship for that matter, was fulfilling in a way it brought out the best and worst in me i never thought i had, or could be. i never thought i could care so much for a person, and get hurt that much. the intensity, uncertainty, expectations, anticipations were so much i could barely think of anything else.

i was happy being with him. his presence is enough. but the way he treats me is way too much. i'm off darling. i think you had enough fun with me too.

having first experienced the extent of how a personality of a person can be affected greatly by other people, i also 'discovered' myself. the word 'discovered' in that sentence is actually incorrect. i don't think i had those traits in the first place. he helped me developed those. i became more confident, aggressive, patient, & a master of pretense- pretending something didn't happen nor affected me greatly in any way. though i still think someone else could have done me a lot more of postive things that would make the two of us better persons. But you're better than nothing darling.

oh yes ma'am, i agree.

bench fever.

Dan: "Does he make you smile, like I do?"
Tess: "He doesn't make me cry, like YOU do."
-John Ballard Surrey/Margaret Rose Powers.qtd from email forwarded msgs.

june 30, friday- i thought this would be a very exciting night. i thought we're gonna make it.

he was late. as usual. i thought maybe he just underestimated the traffic (again)..now i think he intentionally did it for the sole purpose that he'l be able to spend less time with me. excuses. i'm not being paranoid, am i? but the fact is, he doesn't even show some care for me.

didn't open doors for me. walked straight ahead; quite forgetting i'm with him. so i pretended i didn't care so as not to appear running after him. crossing the streets? before i cross, i always look for him, just to make sure he's still there. nice. he's absolutely a master of disappearing acts. before i knew it, he's already at the other end, and the cars are already zooming by. why? because i was looking behind me to look for him. it happened a lot of times.

i waited in McDo for about an hour. 7 pm. he came by past 8. got lost going to the venue by 9.30. watched for 15 minutes. left. he called up his mom for extension of dorm's curfew. ice monster. bread talk. got lost. left me at makati. taxi. home by 11.20. i wanted to cry. but i gotta show i'm brave. at least now i'm proud to say i didn't cry over him dat day. it's done. it's finished.

he absolutely didn't care, doesn't care. if i'm not going to be in his priorities, then wer am i gonna be? can he just refuse so as not to let us both get hurt & suffer?..it's worse than refusing my invitation right on if he's not happy doing it for me.

i just wanted someone to be with me that day. i thought he'd like some time-out from his acads. i never thought that even while's he's with me, he's mind off to somewhere else, somewhere i could never be.

although i think i could have been better off i just invited another friend, i still think it is for the both of us. the experience i had with him that night is a revelation of his true motives for me, of what he really felt for me: nothing. i'm nobody for him. just nikki, who was always there if ever he needed someone to talk to.

now it's never going to happen darling. i'm still here for you. but there are limits or self-control i must impose upon myself to avoid expecting too much, and getting hurt in the process. if termination of our connection/communication is necessary for me to accomplish that goal, then yes darling, i'll have no qualms on doing it right on.

at least the bench fever's HOT.

undefinable.

Later in life, you'll learn the subtle difference between holding a hand, & chaining a soul. You'll learn that love doesn't mean learning, & company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises. You learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. after awhile, you'll learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden, & decorate your own soull, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You'll learn that you can endure, that you're strong, & you have worth.

(by the world's most famous author: Anonymous)

confused.

now u hate me...

i really don't know what it is you want., do u want me ever-present, voluntary in my part.., or just there when you want me?,,yea i suppose you want just when u want me, or need me..'me' is actually a very aggressive word. i think you only want someone as a companion, someone to talk to; regardless of whoever that person is. easiest one: me.

so depressing.

i don't like this non-committal type of relationship. it's so all over i couldn't draw the lines between the OKs & nO-nOs..

now here i am again, after that one-time effort on your part, i'm doing all the work again. y does it have to be like this? such a stupid one-way relationship with me being always the driver? & you as the passenger.., a backseat passenger.

but at least you can have the decency to tell me what you feel. if you don't want me, then tell me & it's fine. I'll be sad & all, but that's the best way.

sometimes you're sweet..the whole lot of time you act just like any other friend. are you going to keep me hanging like this forever? when i'm on the verge of letting you go, you suddenly appear, & your presence just pulls me back together again. after all those months of trying to forget you, of making you disappear., & in an instant you got me back again.

such a fickle-minded person.

and i think you act like that to all the other girls you've met, or are somewhat interested in. we're all hanging; ready on your beck & call. we aren't dogs, or pets for that matter. you play your cards well. i think i'm ready to play that game. i thought i was, 3 years ago..but i ended up with my heart shattered, glued, and shattered again. cycle repeated a thousand times. haven't i learned my lesson?..yes, if you ask me, my brain will answer with perfect explanation & analysis of why i should give you up. but my heart wouldn't listen, wouldn't it? substance over form.

now i'm ready. play with fire. -pyro.-

it wasn't easy. why do you have to come back? why do you have to notice me?

you should have gone. it would be easier for me.., for us..without regrets.

leave me alone..i hate waiting for you. i hate expecting/hoping that you'll do something special for me.., for both of us.

bye.

cheers darling...it's over

It just seems so unnatural to feel like this. After knowing each other for more than three years, I thought I knew him already. Though we belong in separate circles in our society, we communicate regularly, met a few times, and discussed our lives through mobile phones & the Internet. We had our similarities & a few healthy differences, but we lived through them; and I think our relationship is closer now than ever.

Or so I thought. It seems there is a sudden realization over this infatuation that lasted for years and had shaped our lives in manners I do not wish for. Aggressiveness took over. Nobody controlled me, or him either. I started first. He started responding later on, much to my delight. Then now we are both so used to each other that makes it difficult to move on. We are like committed in a non-committal relationship. A fling perhaps? What began as a teen-age crush/infatuation lead to a disastrous obsession. I don’t even know what our relationship exactly is; are we just close friends? MU (though I don’t know how to describe this phase)? Or just nobodies who happen to find themselves when in need of company?

Mistakes in our lives cannot be erased, but can be remedied. I am an impulsive person, especially in situations where money is concerned. I don’t think much when I buy some things I deem necessary, & many of them were left unused, trashed, and wasted. Impulsiveness results to such restless characteristic, with feelings of insecurity and guilt creeping in. He is also an impulsive person. Trying to be cool, and accepted, and regarded high by his friends & acquaintances, has led him to make some wrong decisions. He is cool in any way I see. But his want to show off more of his perceived goodness overpowered his sense of reason & practicality. I tolerated his rants, egged him even more. Wanting to be with such a cool person. But the thing is, we’re driving each other into madness. Later on we’d be sorry of having done this, bought that, etc.

Another one is about money. We’re both willing to pay people to avoid confrontations. We are not that super-friendly people-persons that know how to handle awkward events. If someone pesters me so much, I’d just buy his/her product to just let it stop. Not knowing how to say NO properly, and not thinking enough about dealing with others has left us with our own problems- with money or friends. We forgot to think properly of the possible consequences of each action we undertook. There’s also our priorities that just doesn’t seem to match up. He’s into techie stuff (usually gadgets that are not cheap), and I spend a lot on things I like at first sight, not knowing that we are just wasting our resources for being gullible. But at least I do try to save.

Last one is our attitude. Ignoring someone is a perfect way to excuse yourself out of a circle you never wanted. But I think telling a person directly that you don’t want him/her for whatever is more appropriate.

I’ve been waiting for years, hoping we’ll lead somewhere & mature into happy, sensible individuals. But we’ve wasted so much time for each other that didn’t help us as much. I was so willing., willing to get along that I forgot my principles, ethics, & basic moral values.

The fact that you don’t tell me your plans that in any case may concern or affect me, is an obvious sign that you just don’t care.

You said you don’t have time. You’ve got to make some time. Make it work for you, not the other way around. I often questioned why you always said you’re busy with something, when I can handle my acads/grades in school in the top form, talk to you, and still have extra time for leisure. Maybe it’s your way of saying you don’t have time for me.

I get it now. You take me for granted, thinking you can have some use of me later on…but not on the matters I was hoping. We had a different purpose on being with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding & resentment. We’d drift off for a while, and then go back as if nothing happened. Back to square 1, but a little nicer than the first time around.

I looked on your actions towards me, and was always hoping for something that would show that in your own discreet ways, you truly care for me. Not much to hope. I see some efforts to please me, but the whole thing goes back to zero after a week. As if nothing happened. The magic died down, as sudden as it appeared.

Dreaming is one of my favorite past-times. Maybe I dreamed too much to lead into illusions. Maybe you never really felt something special about us. Maybe for you we really are just ordinary friends. Maybe I just imagined all those things that you may have felt. I really don’t know.

It’s been a pleasure sharing my life with you, and you in turn had also exerted a lot of time and effort in chatting with me even though you always said you were busy and don’t have much time. I appreciate that, regardless if you’ve got some hidden agenda for that.

Maybe you are just so insensitive of my feelings of whatever you’ll say or do, that it takes you at least two months to check if I’m still alive, Or in a much more probable scenario, you just happened to have some extra time and is bored to death that you eventually have to talk to somebody like me. There are always doubts. You never gave clear intentions or directions; and if something/somebody else has caught your attention, then I’m off waiting in the fog; forgotten in the middle of somewhere, wondering what really happened.

I thank you for all those things that you did for me. You were always there but never offered freely; I have to reach out with an extended hand, and ask for what I need.

I’m sorry for not being a better friend. I could have helped you make better decisions in your life when you were so discussing them with me. But with pride and inconsideration, I managed to let the opportunities for us to pass by.

I don’t know if it’s your super-inflated ego or perception of reflecting a macho image, that lead me to realize how similar we are. That being with each other lead to the less than the best outcomes. We don’t have to put up a front that we are our own happy and perfect individuals. With all these masks, I can hardly see you.

But then again, you never gave me much of your time. I barely merit your attention.

So cheers darling, to our relationship that already landed but never took off.
I say goodbye, & that I hope we learned much from each other to make ourselves the better persons we all want to be, without each other.

half-naked

i often wondered why some people can't live together, or can't learn to live together in peace..it's easy for me to get along with all kinds of people., the only trick is to expect nothing out of them, but don't be proud yourself..

i got a lot of friends..not really that much but enough to keep my name known in our small town..this i need to accomplish some nearly-impossible tasks when i was a student there..i got friends..but they're just it..nothing more..i'm not proud to say that i never had a bestfriend..being with the same person for a long time makes me feel sick. i start seeing his/her mistakes, flaws, imperfections..as if i'm perfect myself. but to avoid such unnecessary confrontations & petty quarrels, i just pretend that i'm ok and then later move on to another crowd..still friends, and it's better for all of us. i can't stand some people and it has been easier for me to ignore them totally..i perfected that craft..of making people disappear, pretending they do not exist is one of the easiest mental activities i can do..

i may not have a pretty life, but i managed to get along well enough with friends, some close ones, and family..

i tend to move on easily..forget the past and go on with the flow..at times hurting some of the people i knew back then.. it's easier for me..but it also brings out the worst.

i never thought there'd be a day i'll find someone that i'll never be able to live with..& it hurts more that he's one of the closest persons to me. can't deny i like him. what a terrible mistake indeed.

JPIA Likhain..edible

had an english 30 group miting for our presentation all afternoon..at least natapos na namin..haay.

then at 6.30 went to yakal..with charie..then to bahay ng almuni for the JPIA event..my main purpose of going there is because sayang namn ung 250php na binayaran namin since we're required naman...we had a choice of 250 or 350.. the 250 is only for one buffet tabel (meals)..the 350 allows you to get unlimited food on 4 buffet tabels (appetizers, desserts, meals, pasta).. i chose 250. di ko nmn kayang kaini un lhat, my gosh..

so we sat in this big round moving table (i had to ask for the waiter to fx it up) : charie, arcadio, pindoy, rj, marlowe, & me. pagsabi palang na puede na kumuha ng food., woW! diretso na tumayo ung 3 lalaki..haha kuha ng appetizer..pagbalik kumain na diretso

then sabi ko pila n kami dun sa npakahabang linya for the meals (as in rice, adobo, etc)..pagbalik namin pasta na ung food nung tatlo. AT! nakasimangot silang lahat! haha grabe! pagkakaita nila sa dala kong food, as in parang natulala sila..kaya tayo ulit sabay pila din dun..,haha tapos na kmi kumain ng dumating cla..

AND! hindi pa cla tpos sa pagreklamo. an tigas daw nung okra. my gosh. accdg to pindoy: edible lang daw tlga ung food. haha. c rj nakasimangot all throughout. oh well, c marlowe lang mejo ok. kinain nia lahat ng kinuha nia although di nia rin maxado gusto.haha

and i also learned pindoy's from naga..great!

oh yeah. ang ganda ng fashion show..though 8 out of 27 plang nkita ko kc andmi intermission na mga bands..pero ok dn ung bands =) mojofly's good.

went home at 9.40..curfew's at 10..ah! i 4got! 11 pla,,sayang! naglakad pa ako magisa from bahay ng alumni to dorm. nkkatakot grabe. haay

oh well, gotta study pa for econ exam tomorrow. 9 am pa nmn.=)

damn tired

181- case & exam.
99.2-HW, quiz, read
eng 30-research

agh.

papers, papers, exams, etc

net cafe as usual.

why? laptop's dead. sorry baby. should have taken care of you.

finsihed 181. didn't print it. why? cud revised it in the last minute. also the 180.1 reaction paper which i did so horribly ruthless. sorry guys.

so tired. damn tired. finshed "to kill a mockingbird".borrowed the book from ate rox. nice one. good for children and young adults.

will be finished with this school year in a month's time.

wen will our country be finished with all these mess?

mama

my mom was nagging me about attending a mass today. she always does. wants me to go to mass every sunday.

which is totally against my will.

i like going to mass. but not on a sunday. there's a lot of people and children and vendors and everybody else. it's so noisy, crowded, suffocating, and utterly uncomfortable. can't concentrate. how the hell are you gonna pray with all those distractions?

i'm jz gonna attend tomorrow. my idea is that i go to mass at least once a week, disregarding whether it is a weekday/weekend/or any day except sunday.

i didn't go today. sorry ma.

open house

had it yesterday. feb 25, 2006 (saturday)

open house- dormitory open for everybody. 10 am-6 pm. the film showing and mini concert (UP bands) at nyt.

so tired. made strawberry salad for some special people. was chatting and eating with everyone else the whole darn day.

and oh yeah, our room was facing the backstage of the concert at the garden. the concert ended at 12 midnight. guess how many hours i slept.

oh so stupid..i couldn't get my BA 181 case done. why? because i don't know how! my god, help me.

i've been wondering about that piece of paper for a whole week..yeah, oh yeah. and i've been staring at it the whole time too.

leave me alone darlin. gotta hav som rest.

valentines_2

feb 14 was a tuesday. my org had a committee meeting that day, lunchtime. my org has around 200+ members, so a certain group had its fundraising by doing harana and giving roses by request. the request (person to be serenaded & the song) & the payment was given to the head of that group.

my gosh. after ng lunch namin, may dumating and the singing group told me some1 requested for me. they gave me a white rose and sang "burn" by tina arena. haha. it was so funny.

i asked all my friends if they were the masterminds. bka nangtrip lang kc. wala daw silang alam. nagulat din yung iba. ewan ko ba. up to now, hindi ko pa rin alam kung cno un. ay loco. nahihilo na ko sa kakaisip. no one's that passionate to request that song for me. wala nmn nagttxt. haha. ewan ko nga.

my proposal.my date.

exams..agen?

yeah. got my BA 99.2 & socsci1 results. 86/110 and 101/117..over 100 actually in the records; the rest are bonus points.

whew. oh so stupid...lots of mistakes. lots of carelessness. wen the hell am i gonna learn? double check evrything!

bipetal locomotion..true/false?--> FALSE! why? bipeDal, not bipeTal! haha omg!

valentines.2.14.06.tuesday

white rose.

'burn' by tina arena.

guy/girl. thanks. made my day.

girl: hope we cud be better friends.

guy: i got a proposal for you. be my date at my formal dinner on march.

hope to meet you soon.

live forever

jz had 2 exams last wik..econ 100.1 & soc sci 1..

jz a wik free. dis wik..nxt wik acctng!

yeah..had a wonderful wednesday..=) parks & wildlife. now i'v got fun memories for that place. haha. kat, marlowe, iris. hehe galing natin!

we tried. we were tired. & we got the last place. but anyways, we enjoyed a lot. learned a lot. who sed every guy knows how to play jolen? haha c marlowe hindi. haha but he's totally great in evrything else. did 7 high jumps- chinese garter! haha. Kat & i learned how to play jackstones. impromptu! 10-20 yeah. bubblegum. haha. bubble. bubble. iris did the rubber band thing al;ong with marlowe. my gosh, sakit nun. sorry guys. la man lang kami naitulong.

but i did try to help with those i know i can accomplish. ung mga bagay na madali lang perro minsan kadiri or ayaw lang gawin.-> e di un nlng sa kin. at least may pakinabang.

and yeah. thankses rj for the rides- to the park & back to UP. hehe.

and charie! grabeh. the hell u sed somthing lyk dat huh? ayan c marlowe kung anu-ano na pinag-iisip. gosh! haha.

3 oble kmi dun sa group. & we didn't win. haha. great. nobody's perfect. got talents. got limitations.

but kat & i will pratice those games, para pag contest ulit.., mannalo na kami! haha!

competition. rivalry. makes me hyper. makes me alive. burn with passion.

gonna live forever.

want to..

my eng 30 teacher (my former eng 11 instructor) told the class that she's got no religion..that's nice..she's pretty good...pretty good in fact that if all people will just be at least as rational and as friendly as her, with or without religion.., then i guess the world will be much more peaceful..=)

exams

who wants to read about exams?..everybody gets a headache jz by the mere thought of it..esp. UP students..haha..pano ba namn, it's like every week we've got an exam..AND! u nid at least a week to study for one. pano pag nagkasabay-sabay?..haha goodluck nlang..
i jz had my exam in BA 180.1..wala man lang ako maisagot..it's not that i didn't study! i did, for goodness' sake..kahit ilang araw lang..but i did..pero wala eh..eh di sana pumunta nlng ako dun sa speedating last nyt, and could have enjoyed it better than i will be wen i see the results of that exam..i don't know..mayb i was jz plain tired..haha a very creative excuse indeed..
katrina & i went to a mall dis afternoon..watched narnia..ok lang..not much. HP's better. esp the 4th one..we're both worried for our grades..GC ba kmi? nah..mas GC pa mga clasm8s namin..kahit hindi nagpphalata..it's like they've got secret lives after school--then todo aral..yeah! e kami, pag sa dorm- tulog, kain, aral ng konti, pasok sa klase, nood ng sine, & u start ol over agen..aral din..kelangan..dpat OC. dpat! we hav to. we gotta study hard..
or ELSE, we're going to lose everything...everything we've built up..it's not much. but it's everything we've got..i've got. damn.

da.

got my accounting results. not as good as i expected. should have been better. careless. mixed up lina & lino's accounts. haha.
nyways..i'v noticed that the highest in the exams are usually on the other class. same case as of last sem. i have the same prof. teacher factor? i guess so. the top student last sem was placed in my class. and he didn't get the highest now. i mean, if the competition for the top spot was tight then, i could have understood. but no, he was the only one there, and a few others followed on the next levels..but then, there may be other factors..
--"folks tend to forget that if the grass in greener on the other side, it is usually because there is more shit in the soil.."-PDI
damn so true.

horoscope

jan. 14, 2006 (sat) :The Moon is in Leo today, still providing some Full Moon energy, but with a flair for the dramatic. Passion and romance take a theatrical turn, putting your pursuits in the spotlight. Do you want them to know what makes you roar like a Lion?

haha. know wat happened? n-o-n-e. done.

gotta study 4 exams.

new year's resolution

ahh there..so we're starting the 2006.
so wat happened on dec. 31? in my case, nothing much. family party..as usual..no date..as usual..haha
now let's see, i sed i'm gonna start the new year without him..even jz in my thoughts...hmm..nah, ddn't make it,. i had a bet pa with my sister..50 php if he's coming or not. i sed he won't. she sed yes. c? i'm willing to pay (even if it's jz a small amount..pan-load na daw eh) jz to see/meet him..ah but no, destiny has anoder fate (no sense at all)..it wouldn't let us meet..he doesn't want to see me..great. nice new year nik.
so there. i won sa pustahan. yeah. pan-load. great. txtd replies to some people i know surely miss me. at least they care. haha.
my revised new year's resolution: will not try to contact him unless he makes the first move.

great. jz great. so are u happy now? u miss me don't u? haha smile darlin'.
tips to the guys nyways:
if any girl asks you if you miss her: the exact translation is: she misses you.
stupid.

A1

oct. 13, 05:

ahh. A1. kung meron mang nkakapa-sigla sakin dis past 2 days.
di naman sa pang-aano (?)..pero nmn ung mga clasm8s ko..hehe bat nmn cla tanong ng tanong ng mga tanong na wala namng kwenta?! pag nagtanong pa ung lecturer, di pa nila masagot ng tama. may book na nga cla, nagt-take down pa ng notes (na andun nmn sa book)..in-explain n nga kung ano ung definition & function nung mga parts., pag tinanong ulit, mali pa ung sagot...ano ba yan..nasa board n nga eh..paulit ulit pa.
prang gingwang acads ung pag-aral ng mga basics sa driving...pati mga arrow sa ppt ng left & ryt lyt signals sabay drawing pa rin..haha
commonsense is not so common indeed (qtd).
hehe..la nga ako book..khit isang letra wala dn akong tinake-down..oh well..
astig tlgang mga clasm8s ko yan..haha. grabe. at least they keep me happy! haha!

aggressive

"ahh..can't u c i'm falling for u?"
>>so blunt.., so open..so ridiculously aggressive...<<
aggressive, yah..my english 11 teacher jz said yesterday dat we (female/girls/women) shoudn't expect that the right man (aka prince charming) will come to us & sweep us off our feet..we shoud LOOK for them! or at least, wait aggressively..i don't exactly know wat it means, but i guess it denotes somthing of exerting more effort on finding whoever that person is.
ahh,.she certainly isn't a Maria Clara., & she has great, contemporary, & realistic ideas.

see?

u can't rily c me., can't u? or am i jz plain invisible?
it has been a very long nyt u know...
wat can i do to make u care?